When you realize the Walther P22 in your hand is no match for your opponent’s Colt Python .357 Magnum… that's a bad thing. By the same token, one look at the sick power of a force-fed AMG cruise missile or a glance at the latest big-cube ‘Vette can ruin the fashion-conscious Porschephile’s entire day– no matter what they say about pedigree, finesse and handling. Yes, today's horsepower wars hit zer dicht to Zuffenhausen's 300-ish horsepower heartland. Luckily, Porsche lovers have a secret weapon: the RUF Auto Centre.

Twenty years ago, if one were to trying to describe the differences in the various models from Mercedes-Benz, it would be something along the lines of “just like the big, boring sedan, only bigger / smaller.” No longer. The Japanese, once viewed as nothing more than a bunch of Pacific-rim wet smack upstarts who would NEVER produce a viable competitor to the established German marques, have changed the rules of the game. Not only do the Asian prestige brands have a stranglehold on quality, but some of them are starting to actually look pretty, too. Uh oh. Seems time to swim upstream, mein freund.

When the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of the world’s largest automaker tells his shareholders to think long-term, there’s only one word for it: sell. Yes, I know. The General got itself into this death spiral by thinking short-term: investing its precious resources in a dead genre guzzling, buying brands instead of investing in existing ones, pushing pushrods, rebadging anything that wasn’t nailed down, and so on and so on stretching back forty years. But Wagoner’s no corporate visionary. What he’s really saying is hang on boys and girls, a bunch of bad shit is about to go down.

Those of you who haven’t had their memories erased by GM’s MIB will recall that The General placed all its bets on the success of its high-profit GMT900 SUV’s. Despite a nice little takeoff, sales are flying low. The trucks are starting to pile-up at dealer lots– as is just about everything else save the Hummer H3 and Pontiac Solstice (which can’t pile up because GM still can’t figure out how to make them). In short, even Wagoner knows that it’s going to be a long hot summer. “We’ll need to be patient,” Wagoner said. “There will be some challenging months in total sales… But it will pay off in the long term.”

After taking delivery of a Toyota Camry Hybrid (TCH), I toyed with the idea of de-badging it. I quickly realized my inverse snobbery might boomerang in my elitist face; reducing me to total automotive anonymity. Perhaps that's why Toyota's marketing department equipped the TCH with three "Hybrid" badges to the one discreet Camry badge tucked under the lip of the trunk line. And I suppose I should be proud to drive a clean-burning gas – electric automobile; protecting the environment, reducing oil imports and all that PC sort of stuff. Still, I can't stop the nagging feeling that I'm getting away with something…

As I fired up the GL450, I noticed that the big Merc's trip computer had begun calculating my mpg. I watched in startled fascination as the idling SUV's fuel economy began to drop from the previous night's calculation. Although Mercedes deserves props (or brickbats) for releasing such a glorious gas hog at the tail end of America's SUV craze, the dropping digits left me wondering how the GL450 could possibly rationalize this lampshade-on-the-head consumptive behavior. Even if the target market's interest in fuel economy is more political than wallet-driven, the GL still needs to stump-up some serious self-justification.

Imagine the world's best car salesman. He knows your name, buying history, automotive likes and dislikes. He knows your car: its age, condition and service history. He knows your budget and preferred finance method. He knows what car-related purchases you like: stereo upgrades, driving instruction, branded merchandise, etc. He knows when to approach you, and when to back off. He's friendly yet authoritative, completely informed about ALL automotive products and scrupulously honest. And best of all, he's a computer.

The New York Times recently labelled GM a crack dealer for using $1000 gas cards to "addict" Californian drivers to its gas-guzzling SUV's. There are several important differences between selling a Schedule II substance to low-income drug addicts and marketing a legal product to responsible consumers in a free market. Suffice it to say, the Gray Lady's got it backwards: GM is the addict. The General is hopelessly addicted to fleet sales. Although GM has publicly announced its intention to reduce their reliance on this part of their business, it's nothing more than a junkie's promise to reform. In fact, none of the Big Three are ready, willing or able to leave their dependency behind.

There are two kinds of fleet sales: organizational and rental. In both cases, profit margins are minuscule. Manufacturers aren't overly concerned. They rely on the huge orders to increase production levels; which keep factories open, sudsidize union salaries and reduce a given model's cost-per-unit (CPU). A low enough CPU creates higher profit margins on the model's "regular" (i.e. retail) sales. The enormous volumes also facilitate all-important 'top sales' bragging rights and protect the manufacturer's Holy Grail: market share.

Driving with my windows down, a strange sound suddenly filled the cabin. "What's that noise daddy?" my six-year-old called from the backseat. "Look over buddy and you'll see." He turned quickly and blurted "Ferrari!" Although my son had taken some of his earliest steps in front of a televised image of Michael Schumacher's F1 car, before that moment, he'd never seen a Ferrari F430 in the flesh. Yet one glimpse of that scarlet red perfectly-crafted Pininfarina body, one earful of that wailing eight, and he knew he was in the presence of the prancing horse. That, my friends, is what you call branding.

Excessive Horsepower Disorder is a terrible thing. A sufferer can own a 505hp Corvette Z06 and still feel a nagging urge for more. Luckily, there are plenty of tuners ready to relieve 'Vette owners of their money– I mean symptoms. Despite their noble intentions, few garages can be trusted to monkey around with the complex […]

Our thanks to Redwing Studios for repulsing and rebuilding TTAC after the Romanians tried to turn our site into phish food (don't ask). And also to you for returning to us after the unintentional disruption of service. Rest assured that we're back in force, protected in full and sarcastic as ever. To wit: my conversation with TTAC's West Coast Bureau Chief Jonny Lieberman. JL is with GL at the moment. I've seen the first bit of his review, and it's a keeper. Meanwhile, here's what our intrepid correspondent has to say about, um, stuff. Hey, it was two days ago…

Last week, Merrill Lynch analyst John Murphy counted GM and Delphi employees rushing for the exits, struck-up a chorus of happy days are here again and watched GM's stock play follow the lieder. A week later, Merrill's B-team report that sales of vehicles manufactured by [the artists formerly known as] The Big Three will "soften" in May. Higher gas prices are "likely to sway consumers toward smaller, more economical cars and CUVs and away from large SUVs.' And profit-munching incentives are set to re-rear their ugly heads. Issuing a buy recommendation in this environment is like urging displaced peasants to return to Chernobyl. Of course, if you happen to be selling Ukrainian real estate…

Ethics aside (clearly), it's the same old pattern. GM reveals a market share meltdown, a multi-billion dollar FIAT payoff, a disastrous financial quarter, another disastrous financial quarter, more market share meltdown, another disastrous financial quarter, etc. Micro-managed seconds later, spin is spun. GM CEO Rabid Rick Wagoner steps-up to the podium and announces a new plan or product designed to restore The General to a rosy glow: plant closures, new products, value pricing, etc. When the company doesn't drop dead on the spot, observers buy into management's mishegos and return to the reassuring fantasy that where there's a will, there's a GM.