Late last century, GM decided to fight the rising tide of uninteresting front wheel-drive cars Japanese cars by building their own uninteresting front wheel-drive cars. Three decades of trying to out-Japan the Japanese yielded the pinnacle of American wrong-wheel technology: The Monte Carlo SS. Now that GM’s hulking trucks have had their day, the automaker is busy hawking its lackluster though miserly Cobavion. This despite the fact that one of the best small cars GM has ever produced sits unloved in Pontiac lots across America. Go figure.

It's been a long time since Canadians harbored thoughts of crossing the border to buy a new car. Since the beginning of the year, the “loonie” is up more then 10 percent against the dollar. Now that the Canadian dollar is nearly equal in value with the American greenback (for the first time in 30 years), our neighbors to the north are doing some major cross-border shopping. The Chronicle Herald (of Halifax, Nova Scotia) reports that more than 64K American vehicles have found their way north so far this year; that's up 26 percent over year ago. One Toronto resident hankering after a new Mercedes S63 AMG found one selling for C$171K in Canada. When he threatened to cross into the U.S. and buy the car for US$127K, the price suddenly dropped to C$149.5K. Canadian car dealers claim sales are down by 25 percent across the board; they're “begging carmakers to cut their list prices.” NAFTA that.

The Detroit Free Press (and everyone else) reports that the new DeLorean Motor Company (yes, they can legally use that name) in Humble, Texas will begin limited production of a brand new batch of Back to the Future-mobiles. The DeLorean redux will be re-made using about 80 percent original parts, squirreled away and placed in a time capsule for just such an eventuality (strange that). Thankfully, the new manufacturer's planning a few improvements (not shown here): structural upgrade (those bendy gullwing doors were just sad), electronic upgrades (replacing the car's notorious Lucas-aid) and more power (it was supposed to be a sports car). DeLorean redux hopes to sell the cars for around $57.5k– about the same as an '81 model adjusted for inflation or two ounces of cocaine (street price).

Chrysler's former CEO and current president Tommy Lasorda says his turnaround plan is on target and on course– ish. "The plan is robust, but we'll have to wait and see what happens in the economy." Other than creating some career-protecting wiggle room, Lasorda would like us to know that he won't be booted after the UAW contract negotiations are finished. The Detroit News says Tommy says he signed a contract with Cerberus– but declined to discuss its terms or duration. Hmm. Given Cerberus' "take no prisoners" modus operandi, Boot'em Bob Nardelli's pledge to press fast forward ("if we can do it faster, more efficiently, that's what we're going to do") and LaSorda's ascension to Vice Chairman of Cerberus Operating and Advisory Company (a.k.a. "the bullpen"), expect LaSorda's turnaround plan to mutate even as his golden parachute unfurls. 

Chrysler design chief Trevor Creed better watch his back. According to Wards, Creed's obsessed with producing the Dodge Demon, the small, inexpensive roadster his team designed to take on the firmly entrenched Mazda MX-5. "Building a production version of the Demon is 'foremost in my mind,' Creed confessed. If that wasn't enough of an alarm bell for boss Boot'em Bob Nardelli– whose company needs a mainstream hit more than Los Del Rio– Creed said there's no rush to build the Demon. Its "classic proportions" give it "plenty of shelf life," just like… the Chrysler Crossfire. Low margins. Niche model. Declining niche. Another Crossfire. I’m thinking incubus.

I’d like to meet the idiot who thought that the Cadillac BLS was a good idea. Actually, I’d like to meet the group of idiots who said sure, let’s create a small, badge-engineered Saab, fit it with a diesel engine, call it a Caddy and sell it to Europeans, South Africans and Mexicans. No, wait; just sit me down in front of the idiot who gave the other idiots the power to green light the idiot who had the idiotic idea in the first place. And I’ll ask him straight out: what part of branding don’t you understand? You know, other than all of it.

I grew up in a working-class town where “Buy American” ranked just above “Go to church.” Chrysler cured me of my automotive illusions. One day, the engine fell out of my first new car, a ’79 Plymouth Horizon. At 30k miles. The local dealer, the zone office, and then the factory solemnly informed me that my 12/12 warranty was over, so Up Mine. And yet I have family and friends who’ve kept the faith to this day. As The Big 2.8’s fuselage prepares for its final meeting with terra firma, I know it’s wrong to snigger at Detroit’s woes. But I’m laughing to keep from crying.

General Motors is offering interest-free financing on new Buicks. But don't bundle up grandma and grandpa and trundle down to your local Enclave emporium. You'll have to go to China to take advantage of this deal. Bloomberg reports GM has the dubious honor of being the first automaker in China to cave to competition and offer interest-free loans to try to bolster sales. The only stipulation is that the buyer has to make a 40 percent down payment. While that seems excessive on this side of the Pacific, banks there usually require 60 percent down for financing so it's a pretty good deal. Whether this will lead GM into an [all-too-familiar] incentive spiral is yet to be seen. But they may have taken the first step on that slippery slope.

Aside from select Jeeps, Chrysler's sales suck. Given this inescapable fact, you'd think that the hard-pressed born-again domestic automaker would do everything in its power to keep the folks on the American front lines happy. After the sales bank debacle, after brazen "channel stuffing" (forcing dealers to take cars), after barring "under performing" Chrysler dealers from the company's life-sustaining used car auctions, after sending these dealers letters threatening to shut them down, you'd think Chrysler's corporate clowns would have run out of ways to alienate the troops. Wait! Here's a new one: exclude some dealers from the corporate Internet sales funnel. Way.

Reading this morning's PR Newswire press releases, I clicked on "The New Chrysler Awards $5,000 in Prizes at 13th Annual 'Spirit in the Words' Poetry Program." Well, fair enough. Nice to see Detroit as a patron of the arts. A reporter for WALB-TV, an NBC affiliate television station in Albany, scooped the $3k first place award for his ode "Corporate Brutha." Huh? I had to backtrack. Normally, members of the media are barred from corporate competitions, for obvious reasons. It got worse. Turns out the Chrysler contest is restricted to members of the National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ). Huh X2? Since when is it OK a company to run a $5k cash contest for journalists? Since when is it OK for them to accept the money? Quite some time, apparently. "The Spirit in the Word poetry program has been offered at diverse journalism conferences throughout the U.S. including UNITY, the National Association of Black Journalists, the National Association of Hispanic Journalists, the Asian American Journalists Association and the Native American Journalists Association." Shame on them. 

In Portfolio Magazine's feature "The Most Dangerous Deal in America," author Daniel Roth combines high finance with a "what makes Stephen run" profile of Cerberus' enigmatic leader. We get to savor Stephen Feinberg's austere monomania, and enjoy the comedy of Cerberusians chanting "fix and hold, fix and hold." Overall, it seems we have the makings of a genuine tragi-comedy. To wit: temporary dupe Cerberus employee Wolfgang Berhard's three reasons why buying Chrysler was an excellent idea: "One, Daimler­Chrysler just finished spending a 'mountain' redesigning its front-wheel-drive system (meaning Cerberus won’t have to). Two, Chrysler is about to launch a new line of minivans and pickups, vehicle types that have boosted the company’s market share when new models have debuted in the past. 'Three,' he says, 'Daimler was desperate.' The crowd roars with laughter." Wow, If Cerberus believes that, it's only a matter of time before the three-headed dog gets smacked with the world's biggest newspaper. But good. 

Hawaii may be paradise on Earth for tourists, but it’s a game of musical parking spots for University of Hawaii students. KHNL TV reports that 20k University of Hawaii students must compete for 5K parking spots. "It's competitive, yah, early bird gets the worm, kind of a thing," admits U of H student Justin Lozano. Once the official parking spaces are taken, creative parking takes over. Despite the idyllic island life, local residents aren't happy with the result. J.R. DeGroote spoke for many when he decried “people blocking our parking, parking on the grass, taking our parking spots.” While students are gagging for more parking spaces, school officials say enough ain't never gonna be enough. They suggest that Aloha State academics take advantage of a $100 per semester bus pass.  

Ontario authorities are pulling out all the stops to put the brakes on speeding. The National Post reports that the province will begin citing drivers who exceed speed limits by 50 km/h (31 mph) with “street racing” tickets– even if they aren’t racing. Offenders will also be fined a whopping C$2k to $10k, face an on-the-spot license suspension, and risk having their vehicles impounded for one week. The Globe and Mail also announced Ontario’s reintroducing aircraft patrols after a 26-year absence. Earlier this summer, the Toronto Star revealed new requirements for commercial vehicles: 105 km/h (65 mph) speed governors. While many U.S. states have been raising speed limits, Canadian legislators have remained firmly in the slow lane. Ontario limits speeds to 100 km/h (62 mph); no province has a limit that exceeds 110 km/h (68 mph). Whether these anti-speed policies save lives remains, at best, unclear. Since 2000, the U.S. fatality rate per vehicle mile has fallen roughly 2.5 times faster than Canada’s, with American roads now enjoying a slightly lower overall death rate than their neighbors to the north. 

I swear I'm living in an episode of The Twilight Zone written by Kurt Vonnegut. Submitted for your consideration: a wealthy family in Stoke-on-Trent England possess the country's largest carbon footprint. "Their annual energy bill of £3,000 was five times the national average," The Daily Telegraph notes. "The central heating was left on for 24 hours a day. Nothing in their home was recycled, and their carbon-unfriendly inventory included 15 televisions, 30 game consoles, six computers, three DVD players, three fridges, a laptop, 16 spotlight bulbs in the kitchen alone, and two cars (a gas-guzzling 4×4 and a Mini)." The Fowlers are whisked off to a "House of Correction" in Wales where they live for four days without running water or electricity. They fish garbage out of a lake, walk across a pile of burning coals (symbolizing their fossil fuel consumption), watch a pig being killed (and eat it) and fertilize their vegetables with their own urine. Upon their return, they discover an "eco-mower" sheep, an electric car and a pedal-powered washing machine that only works with cold water. Did I mention that this was all done for a reality show called "Outrageous Wasters?" That's it, I'm off to the hot tub…

The Chicago Sun Times reports that The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) is less then enthusiastic when it comes to in-car systems aimed at preventing motorists from backing over pedestrians. The nonprofit group Kids in Cars figures that between 2002 and 2006, reversing vehicles killed 674 children. At the behest of Congress, NHTSA looked into the issue. The agency reported that “at least 183 fatalities occur annually," with no evidence indicating an statistical increase. But they admitted that they have little hard data on “back over” incidents, as many occur on private property (e.g. car owners' driveways). As for prevention, NHTSA spokesman cited its '05 official report that concluded that systems designed to detect persons behind a vehicle are "expensive, unreliable and gives drivers a false sense of security." In any case, most new cars lack these $300 to $600 backup systems because automakers usually bundle them with expensive navigation units.