I'm keenly aware that some readers believe that I'm a spinmeister's evil twin, viewing all stories involving The General through a Death Watch prism. But I know it's possible to read this story from Automotive News [AN, sub]– detailing a shift in GM's design responsibilities from the rest of the world to Motown– as a sign that the artist formerly known as the world's largest automaker is finally rationalizing its sprawling, overlapping, inefficient infrastructure. At first, it seems that way. "We have had a couple studios where some projects have been canceled," Ed Welburn, GM's design vice president, told AN. "We have other studios that are totally overloaded. We just need to level that work around the globe." But then… GM's small-car programs are based at the Adam Opel R&D center in Germany and GM Daewoo Auto & Technology Co. in Korea. With the change, vehicles for Daewoo, Holden, Opel or Vauxhall may be styled in Michigan. So what the Hell happened to GM's "regional centers of excellence" idea? 

Commentators criticize GM’s executives for being “out of touch” and “detached from reality.” Nonsense. Reuters reports that GM’s COO (and CEO in waiting) spoke the truth before jobbing journos at the opening of a $200m production plant in Talegon, India.  Yes, after revising its ’08 sales estimates gently downwards– twice– and talking about an “economic recovery” at every possible opportunity,  Fritz Henderson has finally admitted that GM’s biz is on the skids all the way into ’09 [as stated above]. In fact, it’s so bad that he might even stop saying the rest of the world is enough. “The most important thing we can do is to turn around the North American business,” Fritz  pronounced. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. Henderson returned to Ye Olde developing countries Spin. “We see greater consumer resilience in emerging economies. We expect growth in China, India and other emerging markets will continue.” Nick Reilly (another GM executive) rogered that. “We are on track for full-year profit growth in Asia despite the hit we took in Q2.” Characteristically, Mr Reilly didn’t state a time line for this recovery. But GM’s got big plans. Forbes reports GM’s new Indian plant can crank out 140k units a year. With The General’s total regional sales running at about 72k units p.a., they’ve got some work major ahead of them. Either that or a shitload of surplus production capacity.

Although fans of Six Feet Under might disagree with that statement, much of the series-inspired chuckles were of the "laughing at" rather than "laughing with" variety. And it was a TV show. Back here in the real world, where the only thing that's certain is death and an endless stream of automotive press releases desperate for a news hook, we learn that Ewan Scott, UK spinmeister for Aardvark Associates, brings a bit of personality to the job of promoting… death. "Dealing with bereaved families requires compassion, empathy and a sense of dignity. So, funeral directors planning on making an attempt on a Guinness World Record might appear to be a bit of a stretch, you might think. However, that is just what the British Institute of Funeral Directors (BIFD) aim to do at their annual conference at the Croydon Hilton on the 24 – 26th October this year." That's when the organization will stage the world's largest funeral hearse parade (cortege?). "The BIFD wants to open up the profession and its suppliers to their market to make the whole process less intimidating," Prez Adrian Pink reveals. "The hearse cavalcade is an event that puts us in the public eye, it lets the public and the funeral directors see the range of vehicles available from the carriage masters. A visit to the conference’s exhibition allows the public to see the wide range of options available to them, without being under the immediate stress of a bereavement." Unless, of course, they are.

The Newspaper reports that the California state legislature has blessed AB3021, a measure that will expand toll roads throughout the Golden State. The CA trip A ain't too pleased with the provisions contained therein. "We support the use of tolls as one option to pay for new infrastructure; however, because the very broad toll authority proposed in this bill is not limited to new construction and because revenue from the tolls could be used for a wide array of transportation and related efforts (well beyond the roads, streets, and highways used by toll payers), we must oppose the bill. Those goals should not inappropriately be placed on the shoulders of motorists by allowing the widespread tolling of facilities already paid for by existing taxes without clear and direct benefits for the toll payers." In other words, the cash cows will graze freely while providing precious little milk for the motorists paying through the nose for the farmers' livelihoods. Or something like that. 

Yes, it's true: a new series on Compressed Natural Gas (CNG) as THE FUEL OF THE FUTURE– inspired by T. Boon Pickens' nationally advertised plan to run the whole damn country's auto fleet on CNG. Moron that later. For now, The International Herald Tribune reports that Utah's CNG scene in heating up. And why not? State government mandates have kept a lid on the price of CNG to just above extraction costs, currently running about $0.75 –  $0.80/gallon. A cryo-reinforced tank fill-up in the Beehive State runs less than $10. A $3k state tax credit for purchase or new or used EPA-certified CNG vehicles has led to a run-up on prices of used Contours and Cavaliers not unlike that $7000 Geo Metro XFi. And that's on top of the $4k federal tax credit for new CNG vehicles, currently limited to the Honda Civic GX, if you can get one. (The only Utah Honda CNG dealer has a waiting list over 300 buyers.) Not surprisingly, some backyard conversions are taking place by drivers desperate to save money on the cheap, tax credit be damned. "Number of natural gas conversions explodes" was the unintentionally ironic headline in the Salt Lake Tribune. Reports of unsecured and rusty CNG tanks just might give pause to one's running red lights in Salt Lake City. Anyhow, Utah's natural gas reserves aren't much compared to other states such as Oklahoma or Texas. Texas. Doesn't Pickens live down there?

Bailout bucks moved one step closer to Detroit pocketbooks yesterday, as Senator Barack Obama cozied-up to pro-taxpayer-tit-sucking organized labor. Harley Shaiken outlines the cunning plan to The Detroit News: "Senator Obama is using the Detroit Labor Day kickoff to emphasize three messages," the professor of labor studies at the University of California-Berkeley said. "Addressing the needs of working people, the key role unions play in the election, and the role of manufacturing and the auto industry." Three key areas of Obama's seduction of the UAW and other unions: getting that $50b into Motown's coffers, backing a bill in Congress making it easier to organize new members and renegotiating parts of the North American Free Trade Agreement. The Unions' other suitor, Senator John McCain, believes the best way to an organized laborer's heart is getting that $50b into Motown's coffers, cutting taxes and  creating more jobs (through cutting taxes, strangely enough). Is it enough? Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania are swings states and the key voting bloc are union members. The presidential candidate who turns up for their date with nothing more than a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates and $50b is at real disadvantage.

Our friends over at Autobloggreen fall straight into the Boston Police Department's PR trap: "Boston taxi fleet to be hybrid by 2015." While it is certainly true that the taxi licensing department is following New York City and San Francisco's example in requiring its cabs to go gas – electric, the more important news (at least to Bostonians) is reported by The Globe: "A Boston taxi trip will now cost $5 for the first mile and $2.80 a mile after that, up from $2.40 – one of the highest rates in the nation." Yikes! If you're a reasonable tipper, that works out to about $20 for a five mile trip. (Hey, the Steel Workers' unionized cabbies wanted $3 a mile.) No wonder the cab companies aren't screaming blue murder about the required changeover. How the drivers will take to the no-cell phone yakking (except for taxi biz and emergencies) rule is a whole 'nother story. In fact, I had the Commissioner himself in the back of my cab the other day…

Fresh from the quality gains made in recent surveys (some of which they bought and paid for), Ford isn't resting on its laurels. The Detroit News reports that The Blue Oval Boyz have committed to training seventy hourly workers from each of its United States' factories to become masters in six sigma, the "gold standard" in quality proficiency. "They are doing it during pretty hard times," says Harley Shaiken, a labor expert at the University of California-Berkeley "This would be an easy thing to cut." Don Lowery, a plant worker on the six sigma course, is a believer. "Before, I was just putting on car parts. Now, I get to deal with the finished product." Just for perspective, Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli was a GE-trained, Six Sigma uber alles kinda guy, and we all know how that turned out…

Discuss Detroit's bailout plans with one of its well-informed backers, and they will inevitably bring up the Chrysler bailout of 1979. Chrysler's near immediate return to profitability after receiving low-interest government loans is considered proof that U.S. government intervention in the American auto industry can work. After all, Chrysler paid back all its federal loans seven years early. But this comparison doesn't hold water. If anything, the bailout of '79 points out the many reasons for opposing the next big Detroit giveaway.

As TTAC mentioned previously, the imperfect storm known as Hurricane Gustav is about to add to the perfect storm known as Detroit's annus horribilis. (O.K., Motown's blues have been at least three decades and 194 General Motors Death Watches in the making. But literary needs must.) The Detroit Free Press reports that the Cat 2 hurricane busy ravaging the Louisiana coastline will temporarily stifle a big ass chunk of America's oil supply. "Altogether, about 2.4 million barrels of refining capacity have been halted, roughly 15 percent of the nation’s total, according to figures from Platts, the energy information arm of McGraw-Hill Cos. The U.S. Gulf Coast is home to nearly half the nation’s refining capacity." Even if the oil industry can restart production more quickly than it did post-Katrina, pump prices are bound to be singing along with the Yaz. "As of midday Sunday, about 96 percent of the Gulf’s oil production and 82 percent of its natural gas output had been shut down, according to the U.S. Minerals Management Service, which oversees offshore activity." The Freep predicts a twenty cent– or higher– gas price spike.

Despite the economic downturn in North America, the future looks bright in BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India and China). So bright, in fact, that there's been an almighty shift. According to Reuters, Toyota has upped global sales stats by 2.2 percent. The increase further cements their number one slot worldwide. That's because GM's global sales have contracted by three percent, trailing Toyota by 278k units. [Note: GM "gooses" its figures by including minority-held joint ventures.] Volkswagen has grown by an astonishing 5.8 percent. As Ford's sales have shrunk by six percent, they've surrendered third largest automaker props to VeeDub. Further commendation goes to Hyundai for increasing sales worldwide by a whopping 10.8 percent, scooping fifth place in the global ranking.

For some reason, Automotive News [AN, sub] felt compelled to write an op ed on Detroit's desire to hoover-up $50b in low-interest federal loans. As you might expect, the automotive news org of record is highly conflicted. So much so, the piece descends into double negativity by the second sentence. "Much of the political buzz about the federal government providing as much as $50 billion in low-cost loans to the auto industry can be chalked up to election-year ebullience. That doesn't mean it won't happen. But before automakers and suppliers cash any checks, there must be a better understanding of the process and any strings that might be attached." Ya think? Anyway, get this: AN supports the loans as long as Honda and Toyota are included– even though "it's hard to imagine that Honda or Toyota would borrow money from the U.S. government." But if the feds don't make an offer the transplants will refuse, "the loans would be nothing more than a Detroit 3 bailout. That would be a questionable use of tax dollars, even in an election year."  

The Swedish manufacturer Koenigsegg is no longer happy pleasing two people at a time. (That's occupants, not buyers.) Starting with 2011, a few dozen over-monied automobile collectors will be able to grab three of their best friends (or best wives, depending on culture) and give them a 220 mph ride in a Koenigsegg sedan. The Swedes report that the 700 bhp four-door is immediately identifiable as a Koenigsegg. Hmmm. All of the Swedish street kings weʼve seen so far have been mid-engined hypercars. So I set the photochop machine in motion keeping in mind I had to portrait a classic layout (as far as I know front-engines are the only solution for a four-seater these days) sports-sedan resembling its CC brothers. And all that trying to avoid a supercar-frankenstein-result (see the Spyker D12 as an example). As you can see, I've repositioned all of the air intakes and exhausts to feed that front engine, using shapes closely related to the CCX. The cabin disimulates the B-pillars behind the dark glass and uses a windshield as curved as the one found on the first Koenigseggs. The sporty mirrors, familiar lights and details should all help in bringing the new-comer closer to the family. At least it's not as ugly as the Panamera. Is it?

[For more AA photochopistry, visit avarvarii.com]

This email was sent to us by a Ford employee, who wishes to remain anonymous: "Ford is a great place to work because of the people and resources. You won't find a more technically competent, innovative, and well-equipped organization. Unfortunately, the public won't see the majority of our work because of the poor management and product planning we're all so accustomed to. I know from my former job at a supplier that GM and Chrysler are no different: limitless engineering capability held back by cost-cutting and incompetent management. I think Detroit's best bet is a mutiny of the engineers and designers. We'd storm the Glass House (RenCen, CTC), tie-up the suits, and start doing what we do best: cranking out awesome cars that the public wants." [TTAC is happy to provide space for any official Ford rep rebuttal.]

According to Automotive News [AN, sub], Motown's plans to suck $50b from the public purse to retrofit 20-year-old plants to build fuel-efficient cars are "being overtaken by events." Which is, I suppose, cheerleader speak for "Detroit's automakers have screwed themselves so badly through their own incompetence that they're in danger of going belly-up before the presidential election." AN reached this conclusion thanks to the increasingly hysterical rantings of Senator Debbie Stabenow. "We need to do something now," the Michigan democrat insisted, after a "conversation with Ford Motor Co. executives at a convention breakfast." Meanwhile, even AN is willing to admit that that "something" is a bailout by any other name. "With falling vehicle sales and deteriorating credit markets, the program has become a potential financial lifeline for some automakers and suppliers." Need I mention any names?