Even before it charts the changes, The Detroit News is ready with the excuses. In fact, the spin starts with the headline: “Soft economy drags on car sales; Analysts expect consumer jitters, effects of Hurricane Ike to stunt automakers’ numbers by 22 percent over last year.” Yes, yes; the whole market sucks. But which automakers are going to get hammered? (No prizes for correct answers.) Scribe Bryce G. Hoffman saves the money shot for paragraph 16. “GM, Ford and Chrysler LLC are expected to show continued erosion in U.S. market share compared to a year ago and sharper sales declines compared to their Asian rivals.” At least Hoffman reminds readers that GM CEO Rick Wagoner said September sales would be no worse than August’s. And earlier in the piece, Ford analyst Georgie Pipas pipes-up with “It will be one of the largest declines that we’ve seen for some time.” And just in case you thought Ford’s returned to its founder’s faith in plain speaking and hard decisions… “Pipas said it is too soon to tell how much the drama on Wall Street is affecting sales. ‘They can potentially shake consumer confidence,’ he said. ‘It definitely deserves close attention.'” Ya think?

A moment’s pause, if you will, to remember that the U.S. auto industry’s future depends in no small part on the “other bailout:” the $700b rescue plan for Wall Street. Motown’s sales have long relied on the art of the deal to move the metal. Bottom line: GMAC, Ford Motor Credit and Chrysler Financial all wrote a shit load of bad paper to keep the factories humming (not to mention GMAC’s ResCap mortgage unit’s adventures in subprime sugar). If the domestic automakers can’t tap into the bailout bucks to restore their ability to lend money to new car buyers, well, let’s call it an accelerant. While I cruise the internet looking for more grist for our metaphorical mill, I invite TTAC’s Best and Brighest to read the draft of the bill, or simply speculate, on the captive finance units’ chances of resuming louche lending practices. Hey. It’s what the President wants.

On Sunday, the Bill Heard dealer group filed for bankruptcy protection. Despite burying the deal on the Lord’s day of rest, the story received considerable play. While TTAC’s long maintained that the U.S. car industry’s domestic dealers are dropping like flies– thanks to the switch out of SUVs and pickups, the end of easy credit and sweet leasing deals, lackluster domestic automotive products, the failure of Big 2.8 branding and marketing, the success of the Asian manufacturers and the rise in floorplan costs– Bill Heard’s demise had a little something to do with the fact that his stores were staffed rapacious sons of bitches who would do ANYTHING to move the metal. There’s a long history of anti-Heard litigation, including an unresolvd $50m lawsuit. Yet the majority of the mainstream media coverage miss this salient detail, including Bloomberg, Automotive News [sub] and our friend Sharon Terlep at Dow Jones. The Atlanta Journal Constitution and The Orlando Sentinel get it right. Oh, and it’s only a matter of time before some class action suit draws GM into the equation, for knowingly shipping cars to a criminal and his cohorts.

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t include the name of a Honda minivan in the title of an event designed to promote E85. For one thing, the Odyssey can’t run on corn juice. For another, any student of Greek literature will tell you that the most famous of all Odysseys wasn’t the most efficient or sucessful of journeys for the majority of those involved. And God knows there’s a major intersection between potential E85 users and Greek scholars. I digress. This year’s biennial National Alternative Fuel Odyssey Day (NAFOD) is set for October third, when E85 stations around the country will bribe FlexFuel enabled consumers with prices low enough to make them forget (or remain oblivious to) the fact that corn juice is a far less energy-intensive fuel than drivers’ normal brew. And who’s behind this eco-boondoggle? Well, the org is headquartered at West Virginia University, but the website’s cagey about its benefactors. In North Dakota, domesticfuel.com reveals it’s “Cenex, Blue Flint Ethanol, General Motors Corporation, North Dakota Corn Growers Association, North Dakota Department of Commerce, North Dakota Ethanol Producers Association, National Ethanol Vehicle Coalition, US Department of Energy-Clean Cities and the American Lung Association of North Dakota.” Why do I think my taxes are in there, somewhere?

Kimatni D. Rawlins’ Automotive Rhythms (AR) is an autoblogospherical venture born in the dawn of the gangsta era, specifically designed to get Kimatni D. Rawlins behind the wheel of press cars, preferably at a luxurious, all-expenses paid press junket. The over-ripe fruit of Rawlin’s writing: unflaggingly glowing reviews of… whatever. TTAC has long resisted criticizing Automotive Rhythms because we respect the cultural importance of… no that’s not it. Something about fish and barrels. Anyway, either Rawlins has checked his package or the Lincoln MKS sucks. Or, perhaps, both. Mind you, Kimatni’s still pulling his punches. And his prose still just kind of sits there. And the usual factual inaccuracies rankle. But there is some sting in this tale. “The interior falls way short of what Lincoln luxury should be. Our ‘Black Ultimate Interior’ was a mix of fake wood trim, dark plastics and basic leather which was tucked under the seats like bed sheets. When I tried to adjust the seats, the plastic frame hosting the seat adjusters could be pushed out exposing the ugly finish of the leather and the foam which makes up the seat cushion… At first sight the vehicle will reel you in like fishing poles and pitch you the world. But keep in mind, looks can be very deceiving!”

It never fails. Whenever my girlfriend introduces me to guys at parties, I hear the same nine words: “Dude, you have the best job in the world.” And it’s true. I’ve driven some of this planet’s finest, fastest and most deeply addictive automobiles. But for every Audi RS4 there’s a Suzuki XL7. And a MINI Cooper Clubman S (trust me, it’s wretched). True, sometimes I’m surprised by how much I like a car; the Pontiac G8 GT springs to mind. And sometimes my socks are completely blown off my feet, like they were last week by a special edition Mazda RX-8, the R3.

Back when The Big 2.8 were fighting the United Auto Workers (remember them?) for contract concessions, the automotive press considered it the battle to end all battles. Once the New Deal was ratified– courtesy gi-normous union bribes and epic deferred costs– the pundits proclaimed themselves satisfied. It was time for Detroit to roll-up its sleeves and compete. No more excuses! Well, it’s been exactly a year since the UAW OK’ed the GM deal and we’re [still] hearing nothing but excuses. Oh, and the sound of your tax money lighting CEOs’ cigars.

“Q:I recently purchased a 2008 Nissan 350Z. I allowed a friend of mine (from Australia) to drive it to the airport yesterday, and noticed that after stopping at a red light, he would start the car in second (instead of first) gear. He said this is better for the engine and would prevent first gear from wearing out. Is he correct? And if not, is this bad for my car?

Ray: Well, your friend certainly did teach you a valuable lesson: Don’t let any of your knucklehead friends drive your new car again!

Tom: Starting in second is not good for the engine. The engine is perfectly happy to start in first gear. In fact, starting in a higher gear under the wrong circumstances could cause you to “lug” the engine, which is bad for it.

Ray: But more important, starting in second is bad for your clutch. You need to use more gas and let the clutch out more slowly when starting in second. That wears out your clutch more quickly.”

The current fiscal crisis has its roots in easy money– on all sorts of levels. But even as the new car credit market goes into deep freeze (i.e. mainstream lenders finally tighten their lending requirements) and the product pipeline is beginning to suffer from serious constipation (as dealers just say no to ’09 inventories), plenty of stores are selling as if the go-go days aren’t gone. This press release from stuttering spinmeister Kevin Nay at Haldeman Nissan demonstrates that sales may be slow, but the pitch remains the same. “Nissan New Jersey dealer, Haldeman Nissan is now offering customers auto deals from $89 a month and with the release of their new auto deal site they are meeting the needs of frugal shoppers worldwide. For a limited time car shoppers can also take advantage of private sale offers. Nissan New Jersey dealer, Haldeman Nissan is now offering customers auto deals from $89 a month and with the release of their new auto deal site they are meeting the needs of frugal shoppers worldwide.” The $89 deal [for the Nissan Sentra] on the site has fine print aplenty– but I can’t read it. Or click on it. I’d kinda hoped the downturn would inspire dealers to clean-up their act. If anything, they’re getting worse.

I am not the world’s most mechanically-minded person. Nor am I the world’s worst. But I’m definitely closer to the latter than the former. For example, I can’t make head nor tails of the above formula, even with the following guide [via howstuffworks.com]:

The letter v represents the velocity of the car, and the letters a, b and c represent three different constants:

The a component comes mostly from the rolling resistance of the tires, and friction in the car’s components, like drag from the brake pads, or friction in the wheel bearings.

The b component also comes from friction in components, and from the rolling resistance in the tires. But it also comes from the power used by the various pumps in the car.

The c component comes mostly from things that affect aerodynamic drag like the frontal area, drag coefficient and density of the air.

Bottom line? “if you double your speed, this equation says that you will increase the power required by much more than double.” Yes, yes, but the question was “What speed should I drive to get maximum fuel efficiency?” Can TTAC’s Best and Brightest provide the required dose of enlightenment, either specifically or generally?

For more than two years, TTAC’s been calling attention to the fallacy of GM’s claims that foreign ops will save the company from bankruptcy. Last week The Wall Street Journal highlighted a fact that caught our eye many moons ago: GM’s much-ballyhooed sales increases in China are relatively unimpressive. “In the first six months of the year, sales growth of GM brands in China lagged far behind the overall sales increase for passenger vehicles… Shanghai GM remains the largest single passenger-car maker in China, but its market share slipped to 8.9% in the first half of 2007, from 10% in the first six months of 2006. The decline has come amid an escalating price war as car makers scramble to entice buyers.” The problem? Same old shit: muddled branding, a rep for poor quality, over-production. The solution? Scary. “General Motors Corp.’s biggest China manufacturing joint venture said it would offer interest-free car loans, as the company maneuvers for advantage in the increasingly competitive China market and tries to encourage people in this cash-centered economy to borrow to buy cars.” Meanwhile, you know the Chinese market is hurting when the world’s largest automaker is cutting back. “The carmaker will reduce output of passenger cars by about 10 percent at its factory in Guangdong province,” Bloomberg reports. “Toyota will slow the pace of production for at least a few months… China’s passenger car sales fell 6.2 percent in August, the first decline in more than three years, as the Beijing Olympics and a slumping stock market prompted drivers to delay purchases”

Forgive the pun, but mobile lap dogs are one of my pet peeves. How Johnny Law can ban cell phone yakking whilst driving yet allow a motorist to pilot a vehicle with a canine– or two or three– sitting on his or her lap is beyond my powers of comprehension. And yet the AP tells us that “Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is vetoing a bill to fine motorists $35 for sharing the driver’s seat with lapdogs or other animals.” Other animals? Let me see if I’ve got this straight. I’m free to drive down a California road with a goat perched on my testicles but I can’t do so whilst calling my psychiatrist to ask why I’m driving with a goat perched on my testicles. I’ll pay $25 to the first reader who can direct me to a news story where an airbag blew a canine into the chest cavity of a driver, and killed the bitch (either one). Anyway, Arnie considers an anti-lap dog bill a frivolous piece of legislation. “Schwarzenegger says he’s signing only bills that are ‘the highest priority for California.'” Mind boggled. Farago out.

As we’ve just reported, the Senate’s OK’ed a big ass appropriations bill which included $25b low-interest federal loans for Detroit [via the Department of Energy, with an initial five-year payment holiday]. While the bill passed by a convincing margin, and the lame duck President is sure to sign it, the increasingly vociferous fiscal conservatives are starting to make themselves known. Automotive News [sub] reports the dissent. “Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., warned that loans to the industry could violate international trade agreements that restrict government subsidies for private businesses. Sen. Jon Kyl of Arizona, the Republican whip, said that features of the loan program are ‘eerily familiar’ to easy-credit practices among home lenders that led to the nation’s current financial crisis.” In a pre-written acceptance speech (’cause the suits are home for the weekend), GM highlighted the loans’ non-bailout, PC nature. “Congress clearly recognizes the need to move forward at this critical time to make available this source of capital for automakers and suppliers. Authorized nearly a year ago, these direct, federal loans will support advanced technology development and implementation and will help speed the transition to cleaner, more fuel-efficient vehicles.” As would a consumer credit for consumers who bought a fuel efficient vehicle from ANY automaker.