“If the Lexus feels like it’s being pushed out of the way by a 130-kilogram NFL lineman on his way to get a fresh libation from a scantily clad Budweiser girl, the Nissan feels like said Budweiser girl is his girlfriend and he smacked you, full-force, upside the head with a telephone book because he thinks you’re hitting on her.” The writer here is not Dan Neil or Jeremy Clarkson. And in case you hadn’t figured it out already (and I know you had), the scribe is Canadian. While the rest of David Booth comparo in the National Post doesn’t ascend to greater heights than this excerpt, his summary’s rhetorical hammer hits the proverbial nail on the metaphorical head. “The IS-F is as sporty as Lexus can make it without sacrificing one iota of luxury; the GT-R is as luxurious as Nissan can engineer it without sacrificing even a bit of performance. The IS-F is a slightly softer competitor to BMW’s M3; the GT-R is a stiffer, more committed alternative to Porsche’s 911 Turbo.” Well, that makes it easy to choose. Porsche Turbo please.

After tearing the Volt a new one last week for being expensive, overhyped and incapable of charging its own batteries, Automotive News Editor David Sedgwick is suffering from what we at TTAC like to call a “bile hangover.” After lunching with the suits at RenCen, Sedgwick is back-peddling furiously. And how exactly does the Volt make sense now? Change the badge to Cadillac, baby! Now, I may not get invited to the RenCen for poached salmon with Cadillac GM Jim Taylor, but I’ve already asked why the $40k-ish Volt isn’t being sold as a Caddy. Sedgwick says that the Caddy Volt concept is fueling internal debate between Cadillac’s futurists (who vote aye) and traditionalists (who want a new STS/DTS flagship). Yes, but– if Caddy it is, GM will have wasted hundreds of PR billable hours trying to convince everyone that a $40k mainstream Chevy isn’t an outlandish proposition. And the Volt’s bailout-fodder status requires some kind of volks wagen appeal; while a $40k Chevy is a tough pill to swallow, a taxpayer-funded Cadillac could create a nasty backlash. Besides, Sedgwick’s claim that the Volt would be “the world’s first green luxury car” conveniently forgets the LS600h in the room. Or am I just jealous that I don’t get invited to lunch with Cadillac honchos?

George Clooney, the celebrity noted for breaking into Casinos, bringing a little compassion to Fred Friendly, breaking out of prison, double-killing vampires, and being a pretty lousy Batman is expanding his resume. This time, he’s doing an ad for the Japanese domestic market Honda Odyssey (completely different from the American version) over in Milan. And that’s a global world for you: American actor, Italian film set, car that’ll be sold only in Asia.

“Are contracts between local governments and a private, for-profit entity inherently void as against public policy, where the contracts require the private entity to be principally responsible for vital law enforcement-related tasks, including generating, processing and defending in court the sole evidence of an alleged violator’s guilt, and the entity’s compensation is based on the number of criminal convictions obtained?” Is it true that “Such contingency agreements are condemned, particularly in the criminal law context, because even if they never result in actual harm, by their very nature they tend to invite corruption, and thus undermine the public’s faith in the fair and impartial administration of justice?”

As my five-year-old daughter’s learning, a joke’s just not as funny the second time ’round– especially if you tell it to the same people immediately after you told it to them the first time. But I guess Alex Nunez’ live-blogging of Knight Rider— lauded in these parts for its pithy candor– wasn’t supposed to be a joke. Why else would Autoblog promise to do it again? And again. And again. Until NBC’s axe falls mercifully upon the Hoff’s legacy. Page views? While AB doesn’t have a view counter, I’m guessing that the most vanilla of auto blogs appeals to an enormous coterie of Knight Rider fans. And that’s a deeply scary thought. Anyway, AB shares the viewing data for the new Knight Rider, episode one. “Robert Seldman who writes for tvbythenumbers.com tells us that the 18-34 year old demographic was even more interested in watching America’s Next Top Model than Michael Knight, and that includes both males and females.” Does that mean car porn is not as appealing as soft porn to single people? Did I just ask that question?

As GM’s “captive finance unit,” as a division in which GM still holds 49 percent, GMAC’s arterial spray of red ink is causing all kinds of “challenges” for The General. For one thing, GMAC has been forced (by its own profligate ways) to raise floorplan costs to beleaguered dealers, driving a large number of said stores to the wall. And that’s just the good news. The bad news for the lender– whose ResCap mortgage unit wrote enough bad paper to Christo Rhode Island– is very bad indeed. “While Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke try to sell the [$700b bailout] package to Congress, Detroit-based GMAC is burning through cash and its bonds have fallen to a record low,” Bloomberg reports. “The biggest drain is GMAC’s Residential Capital LLC home-lending unit, which lost $1.9 billion in the second quarter — 2-1/2 times more than the auto loan unit.” The situation’s so bad, Mortgage Banking Solutions’ David Lykken’s almost been reduced to swearing. “Internally, everyone’s got to be hoping like heck they make it into the bailout program. That is probably the only option they have at this point.” Meanwhile, GMAC is more or less out of the leasing game, and GM can’t depend on them to offer zero percent financing to anyone with a pulse anymore. Hoisted. Petard. Own.

The previous gen Jetta was one of the few small station wagons available in the U.S. It garnered a dedicated following amongst those who needed extra space but didn’t have to prove anything to anyone by driving an SUV. When the bulbous fifth generation Jetta debuted, the wagon was missing– but promised. Three years later, it’s finally here. Was it worth the wait?

All the “pimp daddies and the people rollin’ up in caddies” (to quote from Limp Bizkit) know by now that their beloved DTSes and STSes are about to join the dinosaurs in the tar pit of history. However, in an attempt to prove that there is life after death, GM bosses decided to mix the ashes of the previously mentioned acronyms into one modern “high-end performance sedan.” (I sincerely hope they won’t be calling it HPS. Cadillac concept cars have cool silky names like Imaj, Cien, Evoq. On the other hand, the production versions seem to be baptized each after an unfortunate Scrabble match.) In the attempt to figure out how this new Cadillac could look, I turned to the “resurrected” Cadillac brand”s finest hour: the Sixteen concept. Of course, 16 cylinders and a snooker table-sized hood aren’t considered cool anymore. So I’ve blinged-down the HPS to try to keep it under the environmentalist radar. As for Art & Science, I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine this thing as an incarnation of the Imaj. I’m confident the new Cadillac is going to be better looking than the cars that will die so it can live. The idea that the HPS could be uglier than the STS and DTS is simply beyond my imagination.

[For more photochoppistry, click on avarvarii.com]

Yes, yes. The Evora isn’t for sale yet. But if Forbes could award the Lotus-based Tesla Roadster its 2006 “New car that best lived up to the Hype” award before a single lithium-ion-powered sports car was in production (they are in production, right?), well why not give the prospective Lotus Evora a gong for its aluminum construction?  [NB: we were going to go to the International World Trade Fair ‘Aluminium 2008’ at Messe Essen in Germany, but just couldn’t get the hang of saying “Al Lou Minny-Um.”] And if I read this press release correctly, the Evora deserves the shiny statuette– at least in theory. “The Lotus Evora employs a composite roof as a stressed structural member to give an exceptional vehicle stiffness of 26,000 Nm per degree, thanks in part to the seatbelt anchorage frame’s secondary function as a roll over structure, and partly because the high-tech composite body panels are stressed items… To deliver this high performance structure, bonded and riveted high grade aluminium extrusions and simple, elegant folded sheet elements are used in the lower structure, which complements the stressed composite roof upper structure. Attached to the high strength central tub are sacrificial energy absorbing subframes of extruded aluminium at the front and lightweight welded steel at the rear.” And that’s how you add lightness. I think.

Imagine Rick Wagoner, Alan Mulally and Bob Nardelli’s displeasure when they open this morning’s Detroit News and read the “Government May Delay Auto Money.” While you’d hope The Big 2.8’s CEOs knew this before now, it’s still pretty sobering stuff. “We have significant doubts about whether distribution of [$25b worth of federal low-interest] loans by January 2009 is realistic,” Department of Energy (DOE) spokesman Healy Baumgardner warned. “There are a number of legal and administrative requirements with which the Department must comply, such as the National Environmental Policy Act, we anticipate it could take at least 6 to 18 months or more, after necessary funds are appropriated.” Beaumgardener’s remarks unleashed John Dingell’s ire. “It appears that DOE is making excuses for its own anticipated failures,” pronounced the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee. “This is unacceptable; this investment is too important to Michigan for the Department of Energy to drag their feet,” U.S. Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Brighton pronounced. Instead of asking for a federal bailout, Detroit calculated they could alter the DOE “retooling” loans to suit their needs AND get the cash pronto. In this, as in so many other things, they may be entirely, disastrously wrong.

Kia’s dropped $165m to develop its funky new Soul “urban crossover” concept. In hopes of convincing the youngsters to hop on the Seoul train, the Korean brand is showing no fewer than seven versions of the Soul at the upcoming Paris Auto Show. Automotive News Europe [sub] reports that Kia is playing the Sciontology card, hoping to “drive home [sic] the message that the car is personal and customizable.” Though some may cry “gimmickry,” we say gopher it. The MINI sets the standard for small car appeal. Though pistonheads love the Anglo-German sub-compact’s handling and performance, it’s fashion statement qualities are a huge part of its appeal. If Kia can build a cheaper but equally cheerful version of the MINI, complete with the kind of OCD customization that has even non-customers “building their own” online, it will be a huge hit. It seems genuinely attractive too, showing how far the small-car styling game has come, making Chevy’s “small-big-car” approach to the Cruze look instantly dated. You also won’t have to wait until 2010; North American Soul delivery is scheduled to begin in April with hybrid and stop-start versions in the pipeline.

Did Ford Marketing Maven Jim Farley get Rick Wagoner high? How else do you explain the GM CEO’s Valley-speak whilst describing what will be incontrovertible evidence that the company he’s running has hit the wall? What’s that? What do you expect from an accountant who never uses the word “accountability?” Don’t be so churlish! “Last month, we also had tight credit, so I think there’s no question that it’s affecting automotive activity,” RW told Automotive News [sub]. That seems sort of kinda definitive. And then.. “I can’t tell you honestly as we sit here today that it seems worse than last month, but certainly no better.” Uh. OK. So what’s the plan? “Wagoner held out hope a federal auto loan package, tax breaks and a banking bailout, all pending in Congress, would support demand.” As opposed to, say, building vehicles people want to buy? I know, more churl. Anyway… “He also said the automaker, which is scrambling to shore up its cash position, was hoping for more liberal rules that would allow the loans to be used more widely. ‘We’d like to see them to include all new technologies with significant improvements in fuel efficiency, like our new Lambda-based CUVs, which get significantly better mileage than full-size SUVs.” See? I made that last bit up and you didn’t even notice.

As I state in the podcast, I believe that the current economic crisis is the inevitable result of easy credit. Leading this charge (in all senses of the word): the U.S. government. Uncle Sam and his state, county and city-based cousins have been living beyond my means for decades, lavishing tax money on lobbyists’ love interests like Hugh Hefner doling-out big-breasted Bunnies to a grotto full of coked-out film producers. Yes, companies and private individuals have also been on a drunken spree. But at this time when two aspiring presidents are yakking about the importance of leadership, neither Senator nor ANY of their cohorts are discussing the importance of reholstering the federal teat. I find it astounding that the House of Reps can slip $25b low-interest “loans” for a doomed domestic auto industry into a housekeeping bill. It’s emblematic of all that’s wrong with our current system: digging ourselves deeper into debt to get ourselves out of debt, without making the tough choices that balancing the books requires. These days, when GM sneezes, America says bless you! And hands it The Mother of All Tissues. That ain’t right.

Apparently, there’s an ad-copywriting school that offers a course called “If It’s Way Too Complicated To Explain, Just Lie.” In the October issue of Vanity Fair, a Saab 9.3 Turbo ad proclaims, “We believe every person should recycle. And so should every engine.” So far so good. But according to the body copy, “By taking exhaust that typically escapes out the tailpipe and redirecting it back into the engine, the Saab Turbo maximizes performance…” Now wait a minute. Saab engines can run on exhaust gases? There are three possibilities here. One is that the copywriters simply decided nobody actually cares how a turbocharger works. Another is that one of the creatives remembered hearing about something called “exhaust-gas recirculation.” But the most likely is that the dumb strokes have no idea how a turbo works and don’t care. How the mäktig have fallen.

Maserati has a new version of the Gran Turismo called the “Corse.” (Check it out at AutoFiends). It’s stripped out, no sound insulation, racetrack ready. Lieberman tells me it’s like a Porsche GT3 RS or an Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24. I initially thought that these cars were pretty silly. When you’re talking about that level of money, you don’t need the car to be street legal. Sure you could drive it home from the racetrack, but would you want to? I saw the episode of Top Gear when James May drives one and sweats his walnuts off. These cars are just brutal; so I figured you would stick it in a trailer and haul it home behind your Escalade. Sure, I have plenty of friends that take their personal cars to and from autocross. But that’s a different story. But I have realized the benefit for manufacturers selling cars like these. First, they are profit machines because customers pay more and get less. But more importantly, they let buyers feel closer to the racecars and the brand’s supposed sports car credentials. Think of it as buying a set of kitchen knives because Gordon Ramsey uses the same ones at home. It’s all about what your car is capable of (I mean, I don’t usually drive 155 in the U.S.). And in this case, the special racing-spec version of already expensive cars are just what the millionaire toy collecter ordered.