In a post I wrote today for Autofiends, I mentioned that I am so tired of hearing a car described as “handling like it’s on rails.” In part, it’s often because the people that use this term have no idea what they’re talking about, or in other cases are just wrong. Very, very few cars are level in turns and have enough grip to have no under or oversteer in moderate-speed driving. Still, the term is out there, and I’ve heard it (ab)used to describe everything from a Dodge Challenger to an E39 BMW 528i to the Mitsubishi Lancer.  My runners up include: dubs, bling, concerns about a regular street car’s top speed, and “car guys.” When it comes to automotive journalism – or just chatting with people that really swear they are “gearheads” – what gives you the red ass?

“In the coming weeks we will begin to implement a relatively new cost savings initiative at the Warren Tech Center. This initiative deals with the personal waste baskets that are present in most all of the office work stations and conference rooms. Our plan is to eliminate these waste baskets and transition to a modified method of personal office waste disposal.

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As thing stand now, All three automakers will present plans for reorganization to the congress by December second. Five days later, Detroit’s caravan of love will kick off its pilgrimage to Washington, where the three CEOs will hold an encore performance of their famed congressional testimony. The reception that awaits them in our nation’s capitol will depend largely on how candid the second round of testimony is, and how viable the new reorganization plans are. Now that everyone is well aware of the fact that they are screwed, Rick, Bob and Alan must convince congress that they can dig their way out. Since GM claims to already have “a plan,” lets take a moment today to speculate on what that plan is… or should be. My feeling is that Wagoner’s credibility is so weak that he has to open with a structured bankruptcy offer to avoid being laughed out of the hearing room. If he agrees that brand and dealer cuts are necessary, GM just might get the bailout. Given his pathological performance thus far though, I’d guess Wagoner’s pride (wait, that’s not the right word) won’t let him. He’ll probably talk up the cuts to truck manufacturing, hype the Cruze and Volt and suggest that maybe the union might give some ground soon. And he’ll jet home empty-handed to start Chapter 11 proceedings. Your thoughts?

The Porsche vs. Nissan catfight over Nurburgring lap times has done more to publicize both company’s products than anything else. Besides, as Chris Harris of Driver’s Republic puts it, “Nurburing lap times… say far more about the conditions of the track and (fortitude) of the driver… than they do the vehicle in question.” Still, Harris was drawn to recreate the battle, pitting Porsche GT2 against Nissan GTR on the Nordschleife. Driver’s Republic presents the experiment in its online-magazine format, which brings high-quality photos, video, words and telemetric data together in one highly entertaining read. Check it out.

Stung by the public outcry over Jet-Gate, Detroit’s automakers are orchestrating a “cavalcade of fuel-efficient American-brand vehicles to Washington, D.C., in December, when Congress reconsiders the industry’s plea for quick action on low-interest loans,” according to the Detroit Free Press. “The aim,” intones the Freep, “is to put a populist face on the need for the American auto industry’s survival and to build grassroots support for federal aid, in the wake of criticism that the Detroit Three chief executive officers and UAW President Ron Gettelfinger did not make a convincing case during two days of congressional hearings last week.” The Caravan of Love will include auto suppliers, dealers and the UAW, escorting Detroit’s finest in a grand processional of pathos to the Mother Of All Beggin Bowls, though they’ll probably skip on the whole “Respica te, hominem te memento” bit. The events will begin with a December 7th rally in Hart Plaza, then the “cavalcade” would head to Washington, with stops along the way for rallies and news conferences. Things will wrap up with yet more testimony from Detroit’s newly-clothed-with-glory CEOs, and the ceremonial presentation of a giant check for $25b. Hallelujah, I’ve got the spirit!

With things, erm, being as they are right now (economy in the toilet, SUVs being hugely unpopular, nobody buying cars, GM on the verge of evaporating and floating to China), Hummers are about as desirable as herpes. Although the Red Tag sale price of the H3 5-cylinder is floating around $26,000, there’s still a sub-basement. Some highlights from around the sales (or no sales) on FleaBay, Swapalease, and AutoTrader:

—2009 Hummer H3 – $22,985.00 – 13 miles – Optimistically want a 100% cash payment. eBay Motors

–2008 Hummer H3 Alpha – V8 engine – $34,900 – 1854 miles – Oh come on. eBay Motors

–2008 Hummer H3 – $322/month – 4000 miles so far, 30 months remaining, 28500 miles remaining. Swapalease

–2008 Hummer H3 – $18,717 – 15,048 miles – Listed as new – might never have been titled. Autotrader

–2008 Hummer H3 – $22,291 – 4143 miles – stick shift is actually marginally cool. Autotrader

–2009 Hummer H3 – $21,995 – Brand new – classic “one at this price.” Team Chevrolet Hummer, Pasadena

Hat Tip: Jalopnik

Take that, you (formerly) capitalist running dogs: At the Guangzhou auto show, British German luxury car maker Bentley said that the VW-owned brand plans to sell more Bentleys in China than in the US. They said it to Guangzhou Daily (via Gasgoo.) Bentley’s conservative goal is to do this by 2012, but at the rate everything is going (and soon walking,) they’ll be done with that much earlier. With 10% of Bentley’s global sales, China already is the world’s fifth largest market for Bentley. In 2008, China is expected to surpass Japan in terms of Bentleys sold, making the Middle Kingdom king of Asian Bentley sales. Next stop: Trump the UK and the US, rule the world. In Bentley terms.

On display at the Guangzhou show is the Bentley Arnage RL, Bentley’s bestseller in China. For four straight years, no country consumed more Arnages than China. Also to be seen: The Continental GT, Continental GTC and Continental Flying Spur. What’s the world coming to. Niedermeyer putters along with a golf cart, China soaks up Flying Spurs.

Hyundai has apprently learned nothing about vehicle marketing in the last five years. What they are supposed to do is develop overly-complicated high-efficiency models, put lots of eco-friendly badges on them, advertise them at rest in an unspoiled natural envrionment, and then charge people through the nose for them. Instead, they’re taking existing models, improving their efficiency with low-tech fixes, and selling them for even less money than the normal versions. Whatever they’re putting in the water over at Hyundai HQ, it’s making for some dangerously common-sense business decisions. The Car Connection reports that Hyundai started with normal Elantra and Accents to create their new “Blue” line of improved-efficiency sedans, and then decontented them to save weight, lowered them to improve aero performance and fitted low rolling resistance tires. Sure, this means you’ll get no a/c and no power anything, and you’ll probably suffer through some horrendous ride quality and handling, thanks to the tweaked suspension and crummy tires, but these are small prices to pay for saving the world. And not being the only family on the block with a Prius. GM has tried a similar approach to fuel efficiency with its Cobalt XFE, but its underpromotion is keeping it MIA from market success. No word yet on pricing or availability for Hyundai’s Blue line, but if they avoid the XFE’s mistakes, this should be a fairly popular option for the budget automaker.

***Ferrari FXX Evo 860hp Supercar DONUTS!!***

GM is doing whatever it can to tame its cash conflagration this week, as it seeks to survive another few weeks and prove to congress that it’s serious about shaping up. The Wall Street Journal reports that these efforts have crossed over from the sublime to the ridiculous (always closer than they seem), as everything from clock maintenance to escalator operation budgets are being slashed to save cash. So just how tight is GM cinching its belt? GM is eliminating clock maintenance, stopping RenCen escalator operation at 7pm, eliminating voice mail at plants, buying cheaper pencils, and next year it will reduce its press fleet and cancel its “Mark of Excellence” dealer award. Worst of all? “At GM’s metal-fabricating plant in Grand Blanc, Mich., Steve Bean, a union committeeman, said he recently had to tell workers they would have to wait until at least next year to get $270 stipends they were promised in order to buy T-shirts, hats or coats emblazoned with their union local.” On a more… significant front, Bloomberg reports that GM will seek to reduce its $43b in debt and renegotiate elements of its 2007 UAW contract as part of its restructuring plan which is due to Congress on December 2. Should GM exchange debt at levels less than the original value, Standard and Poors would consider those issues in default while not necessarily cutting the automaker’s overall debt rating, according to S&P analyst Robert Schulz. “A financial restructuring, along with government loans, is an alternative to bankruptcy,” says Schulz. “It doesn’t fix the economic environment, though, and it’s the economic conditions that are causing their cash burn.”

When I moved to the UK, I was shocked by the price of petrol. “Britain’s an oil PRODUCING nation,” I kvetched to my accountant. “How could the populace allow their government to tax their petrol to the point where it’s the most expensive gas in Europe?” “Do you have any idea how much income tax you’re paying?” my personal pencil pusher asked. “If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it.” In the same sense, I wouldn’t worry about GM CEO Rick Wagoner’s Gulfstream. It’s as nothing compared to the amount of money he’s pissed away on, well, everything else. Of course, it’s not the money, it’s the principle.

This is what happens when a company makes more money by playing the markets than by selling product: the financial guys take over. In the good old days, Porsche made smallish, nimble cars that had great SPM and MPG ratings (the former being smiles per mile). Nowadays, Porsches are no longer small, but still manage to be desirable to car enthusiasts, Yuppie moms and pimps alike. With few exceptions, Porsches have always delivered a unique package of intuitive steering, a great soundtrack, a tractable engine with a wide power band, fantastic brakes and everyday reliability. Did somebody at Porsche explain “well, four outta six ain’t half bad” when the question was asked whether the “soundtrack” and “wide power band” parts are dispensable? We ask this since Porsche announced that for the first time ever, it will be using Diesels. Spiegel Online reports from Februrary 2009 onwards, European markets will enjoy (not!) Cayennes fitted the VW 3.0 TDI engine I kinda liked (and disliked) in the Audi Q7. It is not a bad engine, as it has more torque than the basic gasoline version. But it does make the Cayenne seem even more like an overpriced Touareg on steroids, which is saying something, since the Touareg is kinda like an overpriced Passat on stilts. More data for Chuck Goolsbee: 244g CO2; 550NM; 25.3 MPG according to EU ratings; €56k. Porsche thinks it needs this one because of CO2 regulations, until it gets its hybrid up and running. We suspect the real reason is that German Cayanne sales are down 13% this year.