Indeed. Now that General Motors depends on Uncle Sam for its survival, why would the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) levy a fine against the ailing American automaker? Answer: it wouldn’t. Under the terms of the deal with GM [full press release after the jump], the SEC ends its investigation into the company’s bookkeeping without a GM admission of guilt or a cash fine. Oh, and GM pinky swear promises it won’t ever do it again. The settlement and dispensation adds to Rick Wagoner’s growing rep as the industry’s Teflon Don. Lest we forget, Wagoner was GM’s Chief Financial Officer from 1992 to 1998, before becoming Chief Operating Officer (2000) and then CEO (2203). His career at GM (the only career he’s ever had) began as an analyst in the treasurer’s office. If Wagoner didn’t know the books were cooked, why didn’t he? 

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The man who knows how to get something for nothing (Fiat’s Sergio Marchionne) has “absolutely no intention” of running Chrysler as part of the two firms’ automotive axis, reports Automotive News [sub]. Marchionne will fill one of Fiat’s three seats on Chrysler’s seven-seat board, as he attempts what he describes as the “mission impossible” of turning Chrysler around. But before the dramatic-but-overplayed theme music cues a Fiat-led revamping of the ailing automaker, Chrysler’s stakeholders will have to make meaningful concessions, including debt-for-equity swaps. But will Marchionne accompany ChryCo CEO Bob Nardelli for future rounds of bailout beggary? Of course not. After all, the Fiat deal confirms the suspicions of at least one US Senator, that injecting cash into Chrysler would simply invite a takeover. And sure enough, Automotive News [sub] reports that officials concede that giving U.S. taxpayer money to an automaker tied to an overseas-based company will raise red flags in DC. Chrysler spokesfolks insist that the Fiat deal is consistent with the “stipulations and obligations” of the U.S. Treasury Department loan, but then they wouldn’t be insisting if there weren’t some question, would they? As Farago reported earlier, the promise of more federal money is what got Fiat sniffing around in the first place. And now there’s trouble afoot.

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Autoexpress has been saying for some time that Jaguar’s rumored new sportscar will be more XJ220 than F-Type concept. Now, they say they are “lifting the lid” on an Audi R8-fighting sportscar that Jag still refuses to aknowledge. The highlights? A 500+ hp supercharged V8, Ian Callum styling (hinted at here in a rendering by beyond-form), light weight construction on an all-new aluminium platform, and a concept debut pegged at about 18 months from now. Bloody good, but does it mean they can’t build the F-Type too?

Our illustrious Editor-in-Chief predicts the death of the manual transmission. The “stick-shift is toast,” Farago says, in his own special way. I disagree. If you want to go fast, get a paddle shift automated manual, a la Nissan GT-R. Time and again, the little levers have proven to be the fastest way to get around a track. Want easy breezy beautiful Orange County commuting? Get a traditional automatic. But if you want to maximize the man machine interface, nothing beats a manual. Three pedals can enliven the most leaden of automobiles. To wit: the Mercedes-Benz C300 Sport.

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Top Gear’s ironic contention that their mystery test driver is actually Graham Hill cocks a snook (don’t ask) at the MSM, who’ve gone nuts over recent revelations of “The Stig’s” true identity. I’m a huge fan of HIll’s life and times. His death was a tragedy for his family, his fans and motor racing. Call me a curmudgeonly carmudgeon (“Get off my internet!”), but I don’t find this Top Gear communique even slightly humorous: “The identity of the hit TV show’s famous wheelman will come as a shock to the dozens of petrolheads worldwide who had speculated that the man in the white suit was GP World Champion Damon Hill. ‘To find out that it’s actually his dad will come as a shock,’ said a man yesterday… In an alleged plot believed to have cost the licence payer millions of pounds, BBC bosses apparently helped Graham Hill fake his own death in a plane crash… So they approached Graham Hill, whose professional driving career was over at that point, and asked him to crash a plane and then hide in a bush until he got the call from the Top Gear team 20 odd years later.” The whole thing is a storm in a teacup, obviously, but this just isn’t my cup of tea.

I had to check it myself. Yup. On January 15, General Motors lowered their sales forecast for 2009 from 12m units per year to 10.5. Today, seven days later, Bloomberg reports that The General reckons sales will fall below 10m. “There are a whole bunch of different forces at work,” GM sales analyst Michael DiGiovanni said in a conference call. For that he gets paid? Bloomies tries to fill in the blanks– and falls back on data. “Dwindling consumer demand will further reduce revenue for automakers in the U.S. already reeling from an 18 percent drop in sales last year to 13.2 million cars and light trucks, the fewest since 1992. Monthly annual selling rates have exceeded 10 million units since a 9.8 million pace in August 1982, according to Autodata Corp. of Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey.” And then they give up on GM, preferring to quote the eminently, endlessly loquacious AutoNation jeffe Mike Jackson. “Industry sales are at depression levels of 10 million” Jackson told Bloomberg TV. “The industry is going to need further bridge loans to get through this turmoil.” Hmmm. Did GM lower its forecast to pump-up the volume on the “too big too fail” (a.k.a. it wazzunt me) rhetoric?

Motorists expecting change from President Barack Obama’s choice of transportation secretary will find only a slight adjustment of priorities. Former Illinois Congressman Ray LaHood (R-Peoria) appeared before Senate transportation committee colleagues yesterday to give the first glimpse at what he wants to do to with federal transportation funds after taking his place in the cabinet. “Tolling new lanes of highways is thinking outside the box,” LaHood said. “We need to think about those kinds of opportunities. If we’re going to think innovatively, those are some of the ways we’re going to have to think about these things instead of the gas tax.” LaHood referred to the federal fuel excise tax first implemented in 1932 as a “dinosaur” and repeated the claims made by former Transportation Secretary Mary Peters that traditional funding sources were not bringing in enough money (more). LaHood suggested tolling was the “innovative” alternative that the country needs to “plus up” transportation revenue. Toll roads have been in use since the Middle Ages both as a means of generating fee income and of controlling public movement. And that’s OK, apparently.

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During the first round of Motown bailout begging, professional wordsmiths made the connection between Detroit’s $17.4b “bridge loan” request and Alaska’s “bridge to nowhere.” Thus “bridge loan to nowhere.” In fact, the Granvina Island Bridge project would have opened-up the Alaskan archipelago to real estate and tourist development. Boondoggle yes, but one with a long historical precedent and a reasonable expectation of some sort of commercial (i.e. taxpayer) return. In contrast, Chrysler’s supposed tie-up with Fiat is a genuine scam. The idea that Chrysler can become a viable automaker by re-engineering Fiat automobiles for the hugely competitive U.S. market is patently ridiculous. But not for Congress, the entity that offers the ailing American automaker its only hope for survival (cash). At least that’s the plan. And the man with the plan is ChryCo 300 designer Ralph Gilles. Speaking at The Automotive News World Congress [sub], Ralph told the world that he loves him some Italian. Well he would, wouldn’t he? But the details have to be seen to be believed. Or not, as the case may be.

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Once upon a time, I mistook an automotive journalist for a member of ZZ Top. After a proper introduction, L.J.K. Setright subjected me to a twenty-minute lecture on the Euro-Accord’s five-spoke wheels. He was deeply offended by the fact that the lug nuts didn’t line up with the spokes. I got the message: people who truly understand and appreciate engineering excellence are wrapped WAY too tight. And yet, the desire for a meticulously designed automobile transcends geekery. The market rewards over-engineering– or at least the aura of over-engineering (cough Mercedes cough). In that sense, the Acura brand is not without inherent appeal– despite the TL’s inability to live up to the marque’s upmarket aspirations. Which is a fancy way of saying the TL is an epic fail.

I know I pick on the kids a lot in this column, but they’re kids– they don’t even like themselves. Still, we were all young once. Back when that description applied to me, I was the proud borrower (and then owner) of a 1985 Pontiac Parisienne Safari station wagon. Turns out the world’s greatest Knight Rider live blogger, Alex Nunez, owned a 1987 Pontiac Safari. Just two days after he got his license, Herr Nunez got his sideways– with his mother in the passenger seat. He reports that he didn’t hit anything, and you know Alex was looking for the limits. Me, on the other hand, I managed to pull off a near complete 720, on the freeway in the rain. My even dumber friend decided he needed the heat on full blast. Anyone who remembers GM cars from the late 70s/early 80s knows that even if the EPA had choked the engines to (near) death, the HVAC systems were still (and kinda are still) the envy of the world. Meaning that full heat was not acceptable. And we fought. And we started getting speed wobbles. And around we went. And then we went off the road into the mud and spun again. After realizing that both us and the car were in fact fine, I chased him in circles around Dad’s brown Pontiac trying to catch and beat him. You?

2008 was supposed to be a banner year for Hyundai. The company predicted a huge sales jump and promised a new flagship. And then 2008 actually happened. Sales were, well, you can guess that one. From a sales and PR point-of-view, the new, V8-powered Genesis was well received. From a sales perspective, not to much. Still, as one Hyundai Marketing VP put it, “if [consumers] aren’t forced to reconsider us, they won’t.” To paraphrase Elvis, perhaps we ought to give Hyundai a little more time. Meanwhile, the comparison between Hyundai and a young Toyota seem to have faded from view. In fact, you could make the case that Hyundai is more GM than Toyota. Well, if not you, me.