I love internal combustion. The sound of my Accord is Salieri to the Boxster’s Mozart, while the distinctive putt-putt of the VW [Real] Beetle is like some endearing melody from childhood, or maybe the rap version of Eensy Beensy Spider (yes, there is such a thing). The ICE is probably the most refined machine on the planet. In contrast, electric drive has all the elegance and soul of a washing machine. Nonetheless, I think global heating threatens civilization, and so I drive with guilt. In so far vain attempts to assuage that guilt, I skim anything dealing with capturing and sequestering carbon, in the so far vain hope that in this version of the Iliad, Achilles won’t die, and I’ve attended talks on the subject at places like MIT. I’ve even concocted wild schemes for personal absolution like cutting my trees and burying them in the peat under my backyard, and growing new trees. Nothing helps. And forget spewing particulates into the atmosphere, because even if that mitigated global heating without bringing on a new ice age–fat chance that we’d get it just right–it would do nothing about ocean acidification from CO2, something that will likely kill off most of our seafood. But now comes a little ray of hope from the 10 January issue of New Scientist.

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GM Card Q1 2009 Top Off Incentive Offer

PROGRAM EXPLANATION

TO:               All RDMMs, ARDMMs, ZMs, ASMs and GM Dealers

FROM:          GM Cardmember Services – Detroit, MI

SUBJECT:     2009 Q1 GMCS Top-Off Earnings Retail Program

PROGRAM OVERVIEW:

GM Cardmember Services (GMCS) is sending select GM Card and GM Flexible Earnings Card Cardmembers a direct mail piece that includes a special Bonus Earnings “Top-Off” offer toward the purchase/ lease of an eligible, new GM vehicle between 1/6/09 and 2/2/09.

OFFER OVERVIEW:

GMCS will add Bonus Earnings to select Cardmembers’ Accounts so that they total either $2,000 or $3,000 in Topped off Earnings.

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“Yes, you can use the word free in your advertising,” writes Jim Boldebook in Dealer Magazine. “No, you probably can’t use it with reference to the sale of a car, as in free options or extras as most states have now ruled there is no such thing as free anything in a car deal, but you can use the word free in a number of ways to capture the attention of your intended audience.” Oh, do tell. “The word free can be used in copy such as ‘Set yourself free from high payments with our lower lease rates.’ Or, ‘Free yourself from maintenance worries with our all inclusive maintenance program included on most of our new models.’ You can even use the word free in disassociating it’s use in your ad copy, such as: ‘While we are not allowed to say this GPS system is free, we can you say won’t pay one penny extra for it with the purchase of any new X or Y model.'” And that’s why Jim’s agency, Creative Broadcast Concepts, gets the big bucks. If you’ve already taken your blood pressure meds, Boldebook provides his dealer readers– and you!– with a specific example after the jump.

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First, I visited the Eco drive event in the basement. In past years, they stuck suppliers and the Chinese down here. This year, with Nissan and Porsche absent and others asking for less space, most everyone moved to the main floor. So what to do in the basement? How about a lavishly landscaped road course on which to sample hybrids and such?

From Defense News comes word that the United States Army is purchasing 4,000 neighborhood electric vehicles(NEVs) for use as on-base transport. Six of Chrysler’s Global Electric Motors (GEM) NEVs were delivered in a ceremony at Fort Meyer which was probably intended to highlight the army’s long-term efficiency goals. But something must have been lost in the bureaucratic translation. “We hope by showing the rest of the country what we can do with electric vehicles we can potentially drive the technology and the market, including the Chevy Volt [and] the Tesla that are out there now, and show a greater demand,” said Paul Bollinger, deputy assistant secretary of the Army for Energy and Partnerships. I’m sorry sir, but what does the military have to do with a car that doesn’t exist and a $100k sportstoy? The NEVs probably make a lot of sense for on-base, especially if they can give it a sweet military nickname to wipe out memories of the cutesy GEM moniker. But seriously, Volt and Tesla? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Once the military reaches for its wallet though, there’s no knowing what might happen.

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Had a knock down, dragout IM fight with Berkowitz today. What about? Obviously something real important like the escalating insanity in Gaza or hiking the Federal gas tax, right? Wrong, wrong wrong! No, we were fighting about the Volkswagen Phaeton and if it really is, “the best car in the world.” I happen to think so. Jack Baruth certainly does. Even Mr. anti-brand betrayal himself Farago thinks the uberest VeeDub is mighty sweet. Justin? He says hell no. Calls it lardy and dull. Underpowered, too. We went back (he called me a fan of Sharper Image) and forth (I said horrible things about his genetic makeup) for a bit, until he brought out the big guns. Justin reminded me that the Citroen DS is also the best car ever made. And the Mercedes-Benz 6.9. Ooooh… how do you argue with that? You don’t. My point, I think there are several best cars ever made, it just depends on where you mentally position yourself in the 4th dimension. My question? Pick a year (or three) and talk about that point in time’s greatest car. Fun, no?

America is not the only country whose government is Hell bent on supporting an auto industry past its prime. Take Germany. Bitte. Last autumn, the German government announced it would suspend registration taxes on cars to support new-car sales. The moved shaved between $200 (for small cars) and $2000 (for more prolific carbon belchers) from the price of admission. Net result, sales-wise? Nichts. Never mind. Yesterday, Germany’s government felt inspired by the French example to introduce incentives for motorists to scrap their older cars. Now, any owner of a nine-year-old or older German ow-tow-mobile car can collect around $3,000 (€2,500) if he or she junks his or her car and buys a new, hopefully more fuel efficient model. Hmmm. Corporations account for over 50 percent of Germany’s new cars sales. Looking at the other half, few motorists who drive a genuine clunker can afford a new car, with or without incentives. And those who can usually purchase a cheap, non-German car. In light of these inconvenient Aufrichtigkeits, PricewaterhouseCooper’s estimates that the scrapping incentive will add 300k sales to the moribund annual total sounds like a load of baloney. If so, all that remains is greenwashery (“at least we got some of those clunkers off the road”) and expensive government activism. Look for an American version in the next Congressional bailout budget.

Jimmy Wong of Hong Kong spent six months and untold fortunes converting his 2002 Lotus Elise to an all-carbon fiber body. The result? About 80 pounds of saved weight. Life’s tough on the bleeding edge.

GM’s VP For R&D Larry Burns has a new post up at Fastlane, calling for a “partnership between the U.S. government, auto manufacturers and suppliers, the energy and infrastructure industries, and other key stakeholders focused on transforming the automobile.” After all, as Burns says “we all seem to be coming to the conclusion that the automobile as we know it — powered by a combustion engine — must eventually go the way of the horse and buggy. It is simply not sustainable.” And so Burns humbly offers GM’s solution: The Cadillac Converj, A concept car that is powered by electricity. Unless it wants to go more than 40 miles, in which case it’s back to the ol’ ICE. But luckily “significant challenges” are actually a good thing when you are going for government handouts and not the Standard Of The World.

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If you don’t think the automotive world is shifting beneath our feet, think again. USA Today reports on a growing trend: car makers and dealers pushing for higher fuel taxes, of all things. The auto industry’s newfound love of eco-friendly policy comes down its need to satisfy increasingly stringent federal fuel economy regulations. If gas prices stay low, the government-pleasing vehicles will continue to languish on the lots and docks, Prius-like. Small car profit margins will disappear, Prius-like. AutoNation CEO Mike Jackson was ahead of this particular curve ball when he called high gas prices a good thing. MJ is now joining the New York Times editorial board (amongst others) calling for increased federal taxes to git ‘er done. (After all, European motorists pay their governments through their nasal passages for the privilege of fueling their vehicles.) One of Uncle Sam’s new BFFs agrees. “GM CEO Rick Wagoner said taxing gas or providing rebates on fuel-efficient cars ‘is going to be the most effective way to move the needle fast.'” While Jackson and Wagoner are of one mind on raising gas taxes (or something), the AutoNation jefe is no fan of all this wild needle swinging stuff. “We watched the consumer stampede to fuel efficiency in May, and now the herd is getting ready to stampede back to their old ways,” says Jackson.