Unintentionally, obviously. As in the Ford employees are on the clock and off gallivanting around at the same time. Anyway, watching this Rescue4 (WDIV) TV investigation, you can almost hear the station’s Program Director. “Jesus Christ! Jesus H. Christ! You can’t air that! Union bosses getting paid for working while they’re, what, getting haircuts and shopping for booze? Oh wait. This IS good. Hmmm. OK. Kiss their ass. Ford, I mean. A lot. Talk about the turnaround. What’s that electronic thing called? Stink? Slinky? Whatever. And make sure you say that most Ford workers don’t do this. Get the Harbour report guy. THEN screw ’em. Hehehehe.” The screwees in question: “six-figure” union chairman Jim Modzalewski and “union security rep” Ron Seroka. If you think this is an isolated incident, chances are you’re too good for this world.

“With outstanding resale value and a strong lineup, Acura will be in an excellent position when the automobile market begins its recovery.” Which can’t come soon enough for Honda’s up market (mid-market?) brand, which saw sales sink by 39.3 percent. The situation is so dire– or the PR department so clever– that the company isn’t providing the usual chart showing December ’07 vs. December ’08 sales broken down by vehicle, and stats for year-to-date comparisons. All they’ll tell us is the headline number and “in its second full month of sales, the all-new 2009 TL performance luxury sedan remained Acura’s sales leader for November with 3,160 vehicles sold… The all-new 2009 TSX sports sedan recorded sales of 1,712 for the month, with year-to-date sales reaching 29,694 units. The MDX luxury SUV was Acura’s best-selling light truck, with sales of 2,101, while the RDX crossover SUV tallied 681 units.”

Nissan’s December sales weren’t out of line compared with the rest of the Big 6, down 30.7 percent in the last month of the year. Unlike some others today, the sales release didn’t have much nausea-inducing spin.  Again the couple of bright spots were the CUVs Rogue and Murano, up 10 and 54 percent respectively. The Quest minivan was again the mass-production loser, down 74.7 percent and 491 barely hustled. Other Nissan branded cars and trucks were well into negative territory, regardless of size or displacement. 2008 totals down 10.9 percent and just under 1 million sold., or less than half of Toyota. Infiniti division took a (par) 34.6 percent hit with nary a bright spot and closed out the year down 11.1 percent. At 112K vehicles, totals were roughly half that of Lexus, Mercedes, and BMW. Godzilla body count: 149 this month, 1,730 (potential fried transmissions) for the year. (We kid. We hope.)

You might have noticed a somewhat depressing tone in car news lately. Keith Crain has, and by the tone of his latest column at Automotive News [sub], it sounds like he’s ready for a refill of his favorite SSRI. But while Crain’s beloved Detroit firms may have a monopoly on federal bailout money, they certainly aren’t the only ones suffering. In addition to shelving overseas factory plans, Suzuki has announced that their entry into the “large car” market is now on hold according to Automotive News Europe [sub]. That means the sedan based on the Kizashi 3 Concept pictured above (spy shots here) won’t be hitting markets in 2010. For what it’s worth, the concept had a 300 hp 3.6 liter V6 mated to an AWD drivetrain. If the SX-4 strategy is anything to go on, the production model could have offered a decent entry-level AWD sports sedan at a truly competitive price point. But could Suzuki really do to the A4 what Hyundai is trying to do to the Lexus LS? I suppose we’ll never know now. And even amidst all the big bad news right now, I think that’s just a bit depressing.

You’ve all heard that the Domestics might go belly up, right? I think Autoblog might have mentioned it at some point. Anyhow, over on Autofiends we’ve been working on a new little featurette called “Domestic Bliss.” What is it you ask? Well, it’s a look back at when the domestics were totally killer cool. When a Caddy was a mofo’n Caddy. And, to quote Ice-T’s old band Body Count, “Shit Ain’t Like That!!!!” But just maybe… You seen Fight Club? You know, the Brad Pitt, Ed Norton post-punk, post-slacker flick about the sexiest case of delusional schizophrenia ever? Well, one of my favorite parts is the very end when Mr. Durden and Marla Singer are standing hand in hand as the TRW building and all the other credit bureaus are blown up, sending everybody “back to zero” as the Pixies’ “Where is My Mind” blares over it all. Quite nice. I’m bringing this up because it would take the equivalent of a terrorist attack for GM to build anything like the Corvair in 2009. What a lateral move. My question? If Chapter 11 and the Great Depression 2.0 smashes Detroit, could America once again build the best cars in the world?

In fact, sales for the Toyota brand itself (as distinct from Scion and Lexus) fell by 37.5 percent. Oh yeah? Well, Lexus’ December sales sank by a whopping 41.8 percent. There was only one– count it ONE vehicle– that experienced a sales increase. The Lexus LX, the gigantic badge-engineered Toyota Land Cruiser, increased sales from 132 to 508 monthly sales (something to do with gray market exports to the Gulf methinks). Everything else dropped like a proverbial stone thrown in a deep dark well, from the Corolla (-19.4 percent) to the Camry (-22.6 percent) to the Highlander (-47.1 percent) to the aforementioned Land Cruiser (-65 percent). The Scion xB redo is looking like a HUGE mistake, with sales off by 52.6 percent for the month, which is only slightly less bad than December sales of the Texas-built Tundra (-52.2 percent). One wonders what these numbers would look like without the Saved By Zero marketing campaign. Folks, in case you didn’t know it, it’s Hell out there.

Earlier today, we reported that rental fleet sales had fallen by 500k units in the last 12 months. Clever members of our Best and Brightest connected the dots, and wondered where that would leave the fleet queen herself, the New Chrysler Corporation. “Total sales were significantly affected by the industry’s largest reductions in fleet sales,” the official press release almost boasts. “63 percent for December and 31 percent for the year.” Yes, well, the retail end of the business wasn’t that much better; tanking by a full 53 percent. Needless to say Jim Press quickly sacrificed the last remaining shreds of his credibility to toe the company line and collect the company paycheck. ““Last year Chrysler and all of our stakeholders persevered through extraordinarily difficult economic conditions, made the necessary adjustments and always kept our focus on serving our customers,” said Jim Press, President and Vice Chairman, Chrysler LLC. “As a result, our Company and our dealer network start this year stronger and better positioned to succeed in today’s marketplace.” Let’s have a little look at where that might be…

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My remedy for advanced bailout fatigue (and looming cold December): two weeks in Hawaii. I decided to leave the choice of rental cars in the hands of the island gods. And they spoke, with more wisdom and prescience than I might have imagined. Turns out that escape from the bitter truth about The Big 2.8’s death rattles is impossible, even on the most remote islands on the globe. How else could I be comparing a Dodge Charger with a fifteen-year old Toyota Camry?

And the scramble for ways to say “it’s not that bad” is on. GM’s Press Release suggests pointing out that deliveries are up compared to October and November. Just don’t bring it up around your friendly local GM dealer/overstock storage depot. They’re still trying to forget October and November. And a four percent drop in inventory compared to last December doesn’t really make their collective 872k unsold units look any better. GM unit Meanwhile, GM’s total annual vehicle sales for 2008 fell below three million, at 2,980,688. That’s a 23 percent drop since 2007.

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Have we mentioned recently that selling cars is difficult these days? Honda sales dropped 34.7 percent in December compared to the previous year. And that’s despite being one of the few automakers to run car-as-stocking-stuffer ads. Like this little beauty which reminds Americans that inside everyone one of us lurks a small, toy-crazed child who knows that he wants an MDX. But even “low finance and lease offers” couldn’t cut through deathly silence in credit-fueled consumptionland this holiday season, and holiday non-sales dragged Honda to its first annual US sales decline since 1993. A 34 percent monthly and 6.7 percent annual drop may look good in this market, but Honda is doing some serious stretching to proclaim the “joy” to be “back.”

In today’s podcast, Jonny and I talked — among other things — about the Toyota Century (mistakenly referred to as the Toyota Crown at first). We both think the V12 Japanese retrolimo is fantastic, and that its old-school technology (curtains?!) are charming as all get out. I agree with him that overflowing technology doesn’t make a car luxurious, and if someone would make a very comfortable, isolating quiet car I’d be thrilled. In other news, we hit on the Kia Soul, had debates about the insane 16-cylinder Cizeta-Moroder V16T on Autofiends, another debate about the Avanti, and then he presented a book report about a fascinating-sounding book called “Brightwork,” which Jonny received for the Jewish festival of lights, Hannukah.

Or, as the FoMoCo PR types put it, “F-Series Drives Ford To Higher Market Share For Third Straight Month.” And, to be fair, this is the first time since 2001 that the company’s Fourth Quarter market share was higher than a year ago. As usual though, the real story comes in the final sentence of Ford’s press release, which reveals that “for the full year of 2008, Ford, Lincoln and Mercury’s market share is estimated at 14.2 percent, down 0.4 points versus a year ago.” On the bright side though, “this marks the company’s smallest decline in market share this decade.” Party!

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“The whole world shines shit and calls it gold,” remarked Michael Steintorf, the savvy chief of staff for The Wire’s fictional mayor of Baltimore. Which goes a long way towards explaining the one-word job description of auto show “talent.” As part of its ongoing effort to document the lifestyle formerly known as Detroit, the Freep has a list today of notable former auto show talent. And boy does that list say it all about the career opportunities for auto show personalities. Pam Dawber of “Mork and Mindy,” OJ Simpson murder non-witness Kato Kaelin, and Tim Allen are the most recognizable names listed. And besides following the luminous paths forged by those visionary performers, new auto show talent will apparently also have a leg up in the worlds of local broadcasting and trophy-wifedom. So we must know: who do you, TTAC’s Best and Brightest, think should take up the thankless task of burnishing Detroit’s products at this year’s Detroit Auto Show? William Hung? Ashley Alexandra Dupre? Barney Frank? Let us know.

Kia’s Soul has hit the shores of Britain, and early feedback from the last bastion of English-language automotive print journalism credibility is looking promising. The Soul faces stiff competition in Old Blighty, taking on a pallette of available small cars, wagons and CUVs that American buyers can only imagine. And with European expectations for small car quality as high as they are, if the Soul is going to fall flat the Brits would sure let us know ahead of time. Instead, the reviews seem to indicate that the Soul is no less brand-redefining than Hyundai’s Genesis.

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December sales numbers are starting to trickle in. Audi’s 9.3% drop from December’s sales totals could well look like a major victory– after the big boys sign in. Well, at least that’s how Ingolstadt’s spinning it, declaring a major (if unspecified) gain in U.S. market share. One thing’s for sure: the fish-faced Q7 is floundering. Sales of the Porsche-platformed SUV (or is it the other way around?) dropped 23.4 percent from last year’s miserable totals, from1575 to 1207 units. The Q7 finishes the year down 36.2 percent. Although the TT’s annual totals are up by three percent, December inflicted a 62.8 percent ding. The only car kicking it: the A5, up 383.1 percent, and the R8, up 275 percent. But then we’re talking small numbers (657 and 115 respectively). Audi’s brand sibling VW is hurtin’ for certain. Although total sales “only” 3.3 percent for the year, December is looking REALLY scary, with sales dropping from 20,543 units to 17,577. There’s blood everywhere in the lineup…

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