And if you believe that, you’ll believe GM’s Marketing Maven Mark LaNeve’s denial that the Presidential Task Force on Automobiles (PTFOA) is pressuring GM to axe GMC and Pontiac. “The strategy we laid out for you [in February] is still the strategy,” LaNeve, GM’s vice president of vehicle sales, service and marketing, said today in an interview with Automotive News. “Are we working it, tweaking it, examining every aspect of it? Yes, but nothing has changed with our strategy.” In fact, reports that “GMC is going away are just unfounded, unsubstantiated and untrue.” OK, so either Bloomberg‘s “people” got it wrong or LaNeve’s lying (gasp!). And here’s one from left field: maybe the PTFOA has cut LaNeve out of the loop. After all, they cut off his former boss at the knees. Given LaNeve’s part in the destruction of eight GM brands, and his assertion today that Buick and GMC are profitable—very profitable—what possible use does GM’s current masters have for such a spectacularly lousy manager?

The left-leaning US Public Interest Research Group (US PIRG) has issued a report entitled “Private Roads, Public Costs” that questions the benefits of using private tolls to construct or maintain roads. The report examined all fifteen completed road privatization projects in the US along with 79 known proposals nationwide. “Though these privatization deals seem to offer state officials a ‘quick fix,’ they often pose long-term threats to the public interest,” the report found. “The economics of these deals are such that the upfront concession payments are unlikely to match the long-term value of the higher tolls that will be paid by future generations and not collected for public uses.”

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OK, so, it’s been one of those days. The site went a bit wobbly this morning, then crashed like a smart into a brick wall. Only many, many times. The bad news: we’re still not 100 percent on the technical side. The New Content Notification System—which spits out 11k “heads-up” emails when we have a new editorial or review—has been decommissioned until further notice. (I suggest RSS as a stop gap, and I’ll make sure I Twit regularly until normal service is restored.) And yes, there may be more service interruptions in the days ahead. I appreciate your patience and understanding during this time. The good news . . .

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As TTAC’s Bailout Watch series heads for the initially improbable half century mark, it looks like the GM C11 nay-sayers are just about all nayed out. In his column, Detroit News Auto Editor Manny Lopez finally admits that a Chrysler/GM bankruptcy is. . . an option. Meanwhile, the self-styled AutoExtremist has thrown in the towel. In fact, Peter DeLorenzo now reckons GM is damaged beyond repair. A PR/marketing guy to the end, DeLorenzo has a solution: change GM’s name. “One hundred years of accomplishment and historic value to the American industrial fabric has been decimated in a matter of months. Once one of America’s corporate icons, GM has now been reduced to being a punchline for a running national joke, and this new car company will have to be unburdened of the GM name, pronto.” A matter of months? Clearly, DeLorenzo hasn’t been paying attention for the last decade or three.

As part of GM CEO Fritz Henderson’s “Deeper, Faster, Oh, Baby” plan to implement GM’s previous plan—only more quickly and, uh, dramatically—the General wants to slice 1700 franchised dealers from their roster. Automotive News [AN, sub] reports that a combination of a bad economy and the American automaker’s piss poor management [reading between the lines, paraphrasing, stating the obvious] has shuttered 200 GM dealers so far this year. Only 1500 more to go; you know, in Fritz’s ideal world. Which raises the question: how are they going to do that? “GM officials have told dealers that they would identify underperforming locations and could move to terminate franchise agreements by June 1, a dealer who had received such a notice said on Wednesday.” As AN correctly points out, you can’t just pull the plug on a franchised car dealer without providing them with financial compensation, or stand ready to fight hundreds of lawsuits in all 50 states.

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This year is going to be a devastatingly bad one for car valuations. If you’re a keeper, this is great news. New and near-new cars are going to continue with their proverbial freefall. You will more than likely be able to get a good vehicle with 80 percent of its useful life for 40 percent of the price (two to four year old vehicle). The frugalists amongst the keeper crowd will likely do even better than that. A well-engineered seven- to nine-year-old vehicle may truly be the best sweet spot in the market right now. With some diligence, you can find a conservatively driven car with 50 percent of its life (90k to 120k miles) for a mere 20 percent of its new car price. But what will be the absolute best deals? Read on . . .

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BMW has begun the business of selling its X5 M (not MX5) and X6 M (not MX6) to paying customers. Here’s the heritage-scented pitch:

The modern, sustainable legacy of BMW M GmbH began in 1985 when engineers placed the snarling, race-bred inline-6 engine from the M1 supercar into the production BMW 5 Series sedan, reworked the suspension and brakes, and created the first M5. Through this industry-first combination of attributes, the M5 redefined the capabilities of a sedan with levels of power, precision, balance, and linear control never before imaginable. Since then, finding new ways to expand the boundaries of what is possible with existing BMW models has been the singular purpose of the craftsmen at BMW M. Now the BMW X5 M and the BMW X6 M are the first all-wheel-drive models to offer the remarkable performance, dynamic driving experience, athletic design, and premium quality of a BMW M product.

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This is the very car that inspired Curbside Classics. I’ve been admiring its blocky solidity for ten years, whenever its owner and I happen to workout at the Y simultaneously. I can count on its reassuring, unchanging presence at least a couple of time a month – an anchor of constancy in this turbulent world. And you can’t get much more anchor-like than this cast-iron 1951 Plymouth Cranbrook. But anchors sink, and this car began Plymouth’s long dive into the deep blue.

Saturn dealers, customers, managers, assembly workers, The Presidential Task Force on Automobiles, what’s left of General Motors and the mainstream media (MSM) would all like to believe there’s life after GM for the moribund “rethink” brand. A group of investors calling themselves Telesto Ventures has stepped forward to enable these champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Their plan: rebrand other people’s stuff and sell them as Saturns. It’s the same sort of plan that saw Americanized Opels in Saturn showrooms—that led to a 58 percent sales drop so far this year, compared to 2008’s miserable 188,004. (Toyota sold 158,884 Priora last year.) It was also a part of Cerberus’ original plan for the bankruptcy-bound Chrysler Corporation. Anyway, the MSM’s down with Saturn’s “rescue.” “While such a business model doesn’t exist today,’ the Detroit Free Press almost warns, ‘Telesto’s backers say the global overcapacity among automakers and the growing number of start-up firms in China and elsewhere would give the reformulated Saturn several possible sources of new vehicles.” Gullible much?

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The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) recently performed a series of crash tests to garner widespread MSM coverage to justify their enormous operating budget to the insurance companies that pay for the “don’t tell anyone we’re not from the government” organization’s existence—I mean demonstrate the heretofore unimaginable fact that small/lightweight cars get the snot kicked out of them when they collide front-to-front with medium size cars, despite the fact that the small cars involved received the IIHS’ best possible frontal crash ratings. All this came as no surprise to Mike Dulberger, founder of InformedForLife.org.

According to a recent Fox News “Special Investigation,” the amount of illegal street racing is rising dramatically in Los Angeles. During the report, the segment highlighted a variety of small Japanese cars, ranging from ’98 Acura Integras to ’02 Honda Accords. (Small range, but there you go.) Some of these cars wore slicks, most had a turbo charger and all of their exhausts were in (or out of) tune. During the commercial break, viewers were treated to a trailer for “The Fast & Furious” (known internationally as “The Fast & Furious 4”). One moment Fox is lamenting the senseless loss of life caused by street racers’ pursuit of automotive adrenalin, the next it promotes a senseless movie about street racers’ pursuit of automotive adrenalin. Wait; it gets worse.

“d” as in diesel. So, no, this bud’s not for you, American oil burner fans. But it does represent a general trend for the Roundelians. See if you can spot it: “The arrival of the BMW X3 xDrive18d represents a new entry point for X3 ownership and is a significant draw for those new car buyers looking to balance economy with performance. Powered by a 143hp 2.0-litre diesel engine, it is capable of 45.6mpg on the combined cycle and records CO₂ emissions of just 165g/km. With a six-speed manual gearbox as standard, the BMW X3 xDrive18d offers 350Nm of torque from 1,750rpm through to 2,500rpm which makes for effortless overtaking and town driving.” Yes, “a new entry point for XXX ownership” is the new way of saying “look out down below!” Or, if you prefer, “I spit on your brand equity!” Anyone know the cheapest BMW for sale in the US and UK? Cheapest as in least expensive.

TTAC’s very own Paul Niedermeyer writes:

I bought my ’05 Scion xB two years ago (used) with 15k miles. Perfect condition; mommy driver. Within a couple of weeks, I started hearing a chirping sound when the clutch was not engaged (pedal up); it stopped as soon as I put some pressure on the pedal. Bad throw-out bearing! Dealer confirms, replaces bearing, resurfaces flywheel, and throws in a new clutch as “goodwill gesture.” I’m very happy with how I was treated (it was under warranty, of course). They tell me these bearings hardly ever fail; I must have gotten a fluke bad bearing.

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As TTAC approaches its 500th Bailout Watch, the autoblogosphere is abuzz with bailout-related news. But first, a word from a TTAC reader experiencing shaudenfrade by proxy. “Robert, I think you are going to need some counseling if GM doesn’t crash and burn. Your little columns are getting more breathless by the week. Best to make some therapy appointments in advance, cause it aint going to happen. Keep up whatever it is, I enjoy glancing at it.” [Jeff: is he saying my therapy sessions ain’t gonna happen?] So, as I remind my electronic correspondent to remember to turn off the lights on the way out, here’s what’s going down in the Motown district of Bailout Nation. . .

The Internet is a funny place both in the ha-ha and peculiar senses of the word. I’m always on the prowl for coffe-snorting PR irony: the discrepancy between spinmeisters’ all-too-realistic expectations of media complicity and my time-tested, hard-won, inherently non-commercial cynicism. As for the peculiar part of the program, I get emails along the lines of “Do you know where I can get a windscreen for my Chevy Trailblazer?” I answer them politely, referring the proto-TTAC fans to model specific forums or websites. A request came over the e-transom today that took me aback—to driving automotive oddballs like the Chrysler Pacifica, E55 AMG Wagon and minivans. So I thought I’d toss this one (geddit?) to our B&B to see if you could save me the postage. “Could you please provide a list of new four door sedans that have six passenger seating available by make and model? I have long legs and really like the extra legroom provided when the shift lever is placed on the steering column. I currently drive a 2008 Buick LaCrosse with six passenger seating. However, I’d like to consider all possible four door sedans for my next purchase. Thanks very much, XXXXX, Edmonds, Washington.”