You thought you’ve heard it all? Now hear this: “The private equity firm Cerberus plans an engagement in a possible new European Opel concern,” the Düsseldorf, Germany, newspaper Rheinische Post writes, citing unnamed German government sources. If true, doesn’t Cerberus know how to say “uncle?” If not true, isn’t crack illegal, even in laissez-smoke Germany? According to the newspaper’s deep throats, the hellhound is interested in a chow-down of 25 percent of an independent Opel. Fiat would be part of the party, last week’s denials notwithstanding. According to the Rheinische Post, the prospective gang bang has been organized by Roland Berger. Roland Berger, the German consulting company, is in the employ of GM Europe. Roland Berger, the owner, has been hired by the German government to advise them in sticky Opel matters. He’s also on the Board of Directors of Fiat, says Der Spiegel. Conflict of interest? Never heard of it.
Why not? Chrysler has been a great investment for Cerberus. They didn’t put in a dime of their own money and they’ve likely sucked out beaucoup bailout bucks, why not get in on a some Douche marks and a few Bil more US tax money courtesy of GM while the gettins good?
Wait, I think I get it!
Chrysler will C7 next month….3 Headed Dog/Fiat/Opel do a “SWOOP” on what is let of Chrysler or all of it (minus all the legacy stuff). It is too wild to be believed! Cerberus loses nothing…and voila a new world car company id born!
Dig Deeper…They are ALL Establishment Hacks living off of political power and fiat money…Better than crack.
Chrysler does competitive trucks, jeeps and large sedans, Opel does a good mainstream sedan and Fiat comes to the party with good small cars and a sense of style. I wouldn’t call any of the products on hand great but if it weren’t for the current market conditions I wouldn’t think this was ridiculous.
If this is just a setup to pick up the desirable peices after a C7 filing then it might not actually be destined for failure. There could emerge from that with very favorable loans, the necessary IP for a full product line and a reduced overhead to weather what remains of the poor market. It’s a real shafting to the hourly workers of course, but that seems inevitable at this point.
Previously on Desperate Car Companies…
The all knowning PTFOA gave Chrysler 30 days to leave evil Cerberus and marry Fiat for a six billion dollar dowry or be cut from the family trust fund.
Next door “The General (Motors)” had its own problems with the PTFOA… PTFOA gave “The General” 60 days to sober up or no more access to the “stash”.
It appeared that all would soon be over on Motor City Lane.
This week…
An unknown German, Mr. Berger, with German government ties plots with the evil Cerberus… and… Fiat? Fiat appeart to not be the nice Italian boy that PTFOA thought and is only courting Chrysler as part of its “arrangement” with the evil Cerberus.
Knowing of the PTFOA demands, the evil threesome make an offer to “The General”. If “The General” will leave Opel, they’ll make it worth his while.
Is the Fiat/Chrysler merger a marriage made in tax payer heaven or a diabolical plan by Cerberus to steal the PTFOA money with the support of the Germans and win back Chrysler?
Next Week on Desperate Car Companies…
The PTFOA arrives at the church for the wedding… Will Cerberus and Fiat pull off their evil plan? Will Chrysler lose the will to live and blow herself up at the alter with C7 (bankruptcy) stashed in her wedding dress? What about the fate of “The General”? What about the Germans?
Tune in next week!
“Chrysler does competitive trucks, jeeps and large sedans”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(breathe)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(snicker, giggle, snort)
In terms of sedans (small or large), Chyrsler is in about last place at this point, behind every other American, Korean, German, or Japanese company that sells vehicles in the US. Their pickups are OK, but behind Ford, GM, and Toyota. And only a few of the Jeep offerings are worth saving.
Mr. Sparky: Post of the week.
Have these guys got Attention Deficit Disorder? Does anyone really think that Fiat has the depth to rescue all these companies. More likely it’s a bet the house shot – either Fiat win big, or loose it all. After all, Serfio did say that there would be only 6 major manufacturers left…. this is his shot to jump Fiat into the Toyota class.
All those clever people in Torino, they’re going to be busy…..
Geotpf
Did you read my post? “Competitive” was important there.
Chrysler does probably have the worst mid sizish sedan on the market right now with the Sebring (maybe the Gallant is worse) but the LX platform cars are simply not crap. I have my problems with them, but for the money no one else is doing what that line of cars does (unless you really want to talk about the panther platforms, and they suck by comparison). And lets not even get into the fleet sales that they are rightly begining to win. If you would really rather be driving a Camry or Malibu I just don’t know what to say…nevermind, I’d say, “ouch…too bad you didn’t try an LX first, sucks for you.” Even the Genesis isn’t really doing it, once you check the price. So their large sedan competes with the Panther platform (and wins not trying) while providing a RWD alternative to the crap family sedans w/out sacrificing all milage and price considerations. I personally wouldn’t have one, but I couldn’t say it’s not competitive.
I really don’t know what to say about the assertion that Rams and Jeeps aren’t competitive. I really don’t. The Jeep Wrangler competes with the Xterra and a few other “hard” SUV’s…and only one of them is an icon (hint…its not a Nisaan, even if I like it).
The Ram is certainly competitive with its peers, and as I never claimed it was the best I don’t really need to say more on that. I absolutely prefer the new Ram to the Tundra (if not the old one). Nisaan has historically offered the worst large truck btw. Toyota was right with them on the bottom until they released the Tundra towards the end of a domestic pick-up product cycle.
I will admit to despising Chrysler in general on occasion (and certainly the Jeep CUV’s), but that’s really just b/c I think they should be competitive in every segment, not just 2 or 3.
@Geotpf,
Saying the Ram is an “OK” pickup is like saying the Porsche Panamera is an “OK” sedan.
It’s definately better than the Tundra and the GM’s and almost as good as the Ford (for work) and better than it (for recreation pleasure). And the heavy duities with the Cummins diesel are in a class by themselves.
Mr. Sparky, my hat’s off to you. They say all humor contains an element of truth. In your case, it’s ALL true!
Or as the Coasters put it,
“I got so bugged I turned it off and turned on another show
But there was the same old shoot-’em-up and the same old rodeo
Salty Sam was tryin’ to stuff Sweet Sue in a burlap sack
He said, “If you don’t give me the deed to your ranch
I’m gonna throw you on the railroad tracks!”
And then he grabbed her (and then)
He tied her up (and then)
He threw her on the railroad tracks (and then)
A train started comin’ (and then, and then…!)”
And then along came PTFOA.
What Fiat needs is Chrysler 300- sized platform for an entry level sedan. But Chrysler doesn`t have their own platforms. They just simply haven`t been able to design a competetive platform at all. The 300 uses old beefed up previous gen merc platform, which merc considered a junk, and worth giving to Chrysler. The rest of the crop are simply mitsu based. So what on earth would Fiat get from Chrysler? Zilch. So instead, Fiat should call mercedes and beg for the junk platforms or call Mitsubishi without engaging to a mediator parasite like Chrysler which is agonizing to get a real tangible hardware engineered by anyone except themselves. And german government should be wise enough to buy out at least 51 % stake in Opel not allowing a vapourware company like cerberus to shred it in pieces. Actually guys, frankly speaking I don`t see a difference between Chrysler, GM, Timex, Polaroid,Apple,Audiovox, you name it. Most of American companies show the same pattern . A starvation of domestic engineering which leads to depletion of expertize and later to rebadges and offshoring facilities.