Now available, courtesy of your $12 billion investment! And since you’re a (minority) shareholder now, why not check out Chrysler’s release yourself? They’ve got some beautiful style. Leading off with bullet points on Wrangler (+7 percent), Challenger (+11 percent over last month) and T&C (+6 percent retail over last month, actually -31 percent year-on-year) and, using different sales metrics for each, it really paints a rosy picture of our new investment. Thanks a lot, Chrysler! I’m sorry your sales were down 48 percent compared to April 2008. But those vario-stat bullet points wouldn’t cheer up a Tickle-Me Elmo. No wonder Tom LaSorda just “retired.”

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Bloomberg reports that if Chrysler fails to secure a deal with Fiat and rapidly exit Chapter 11, some 38,500 jobs could be lost in a liquidation. According to one of Chrysler’s lawyers, anyway. But an Automotive News [sub] story says that, in addition to Chrysler’s plant idling during bankruptcy, no fewer than eight of its factories will be permanently closed by December 2010. The best part? According to Chrysler sources, the proposed Fiat deal would allow ChryCo “to retain substantially all our employees.” Huh? “Any employee displaced by the bankruptcy will be given an opportunity at other Chrysler facilities,” explains spokeswoman Dianna Gutierrez. Not only did Chrysler deny that shutting eight plants would cause the negative impacts (job loss) that government billions were supposed to prevent, it went as far to suggest that the Fiat alliance would add about 5,000 employees to the payroll. In fact, if you believe the Pentastar line, there are only two victims in in the Chrysler plan: Sebring and Avenger.

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Say what? Hyundai/Kia had been hanging close to its 2008 sales numbers so far this year but even the Korean up-and-comers saw their sales drop by over ten points in April. Accent and Sonata were up marginally, but Elantra sales fell by nearly 50 percent. Genesis posted 2,076 sales in a month where luxury offerings fared poorly. Azera/Entourage were dead on their feet, selling fewer than 500 units between the two nameplates. Veracruz added about 200 sales compared to April 2008. On the Kia front, every nameplate lost sales compared to last April with the exceptions of the Amanti (up to a whopping 671 units), the new Borrego (498 units) and the Soul which sold well for one of its first full sales months at 3,228.

GM’s investors and bondholders have taken their lumps. The value of their investments have plummeted and they’ve been blamed for enabling GM’s mismanagement. Hedge fund managers and institutional investors are not the most popular people in the wake of the financial meltdown so it’s easy to forget that many investors are not Wall Street wheeler dealers, but regular folks with investments.

Honda moved 101,029 units last month as sales declined 25.3 percent compared to April 2008. Truck sales led declines, dropping 36.3 percent while car sales fell only 18.2 percent. Insight sales fell well short of Prius at 2,019 units, although Accord (-15.6 percent), Civic (-23.2 percent) and Fit (-30.3 percent) fared better by percentage than their Toyota competitors. Acura saw a 32.3 percent fall in sales, with the TSX (-6.6 percent) helping and the RL (-64 percent) and RDX (-55.7) hurting. Element and Ridgeline contributed the most to truck sales declines, logging 65.6 and 71.5 percent declines, respectively.

GM was able to move 173,007 units last month (press release here, sales chart in PDF format), up 11 percent from March but down 34 percent from last April. Cars fared worst in GM Land, falling 40 percent across all brands, while truck totals were down only 27 percent. Buick outsold Cadillac 8,928 to 8,337, but the defunctified Pontiac outsold both at 10,838. Watch for those numbers to tank next month, though, since the death was announced late enough in April to not affect prices overly. GM’s worst-performing cars were Buick LaCrosse (-62 percent), Caddy STS (-62.6 percent on 711 units sold), Aveo (-63 percent), G5 (-78 percent, 400 units), Cobalt (down by over 8,000 units), Solstice/Sky (barely cracking 500 sales between the two nameplates) and Aura (-66.6 percent). GM’s car high points were the Buick Lucerne (-20.8), Malibu (-14 percent, 14,665 units), Pontiac G8 (-5 percent, 2,013 units) and Astra, down only 9.6 percent (compared to consistently weak sales last year). Chevy’s HHR was up 7.5 percent (don’t ask why it’s categorized as a truck), Tahoe held even at just over 8,000 units and Suburban was down only 6.3 percent.

Toyota sales (press release via earthtimes.org) declined a whopping 42 percent from last April, as the big T recorded only 126,540 unit sales last month. And the bleeding comes from all over the lineup. From bread-and-butter Camry and Corolla (down 36.7 and 42.9 percent, respectively) to the entire Lexus line (LS down 61.6 percent, GS down 70.2 and IS down 48 percent) and from trucks (Tundra down 54 percent)  and SUVs (4Runner down 69.3 percent) to compacts (Scion xD sold only 880 units) it’s ugly all over. Toyota sold more Priora (8,385) than Yaris (8,118) while the RAV4 (11,126) sold better than Venza (3,793) and Highlander (5,595) put together. Other than RAV4, the only bright-ish point in an otherwise forgettable month was RX which sold 6,237 units (including hybrids) and was reportedly the top selling luxury vehicle in America last month. Total hybrid sales hit 12,223.

Newsday reports that New York City has purchased 40 Nissan Altima Hybrids for its police fleet. NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg pointed out that the Smyrna, TN-built Altimas enjoy a patriotic advantage over the Canadian-produced Crown Victorias and Chevy Impalas that comprise most of the NYPD’s fleet of 2,400 patrol vehicles. “It is an added benefit that buying these cars helps create jobs in America,” says Bloomberg. According to the report, some traffic enforcement agents have been using Toyota Prius hybrids since 2002, and police duty captains, who respond to major incidents, have already been using GMC Yukon sport utility vehicle hybrids. “We’ve had no downside,” says Police Commissioner Ray Kelly of his force’s hybrid use.

Ford’s sold 129,898 vehicles last month (PDF) as overall sales declined by 31 percent compared to last April. Retail market share did increase, however, as Ford likely gouged its bailout-burdened Detroit colleagues. The big news though? Mercury outsold Lincoln! Which is more an indicator of Lincoln’s sorry situation (5,973 total sales) than Mercury’s success (7,662). But then even Volvo (4,503) makes Lincoln look good.

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It doesn’t seem that long ago that General Motors was pouring billions of dollars into Cadillac in a bid to create a line of world-class luxury cars. American enthusiasts rejoiced. Now, with GM on the verge of bankruptcy, all signs point to a full-scale retreat. Assuming GM pulls through, within the next five years it will kill Buick outside China–or at least kill its Lexian aspirations–and shift Cadillac downmarket into a “near luxury” position.

One of our Best and Brightest pointed us to these “back of the envelope” calculations on the relative costs of running GM’s dealer network. [The comment was originally posted on the DealersEdge website. We’ve republished it here with the author’s permission.]

In a very limited attempt to figure out the savings, I’ve come up with a quickie comparison of just the cost of “reps”, with a number of assumptions. Comparing GM and its 6400 dealers to Toyota and their 1200 dealers (both of which sell almost the same amount of cars). Assuming 2 Reps (one Sales one Fixed) for every 10 dealers (for both manufacturers) and a 1:10 ratio for Supervisory positions of those reps (for both manufacturers) and for the sake of easy calculations, assume 100K Salary average for everyone.

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No, really. The Detroit News reports that prior to its Chapter 11 filing, Chrysler sought to sell off parts of the company to everyone. “Chrysler sent letters to parties, primarily in China, whom we thought would be potentially interested in purchasing our assets,” writes ChryCo’s Tom LaSorda in a bankruptcy filing affidavit. “Over the next two months, several companies, including Beijing Automotive Industry Holding Co., Tempo International Group, Hawtai Automobiles, and Chery Automotive Co., expressed interest in purchasing specific vehicles, powertrains, intellectual property rights, distribution channels and automotive brands.” But guess what? Not even these ambitious firms were tempted to spend a dime on Chrysler’s alleged assets. And the major OEMs in the global auto game? Chrysler’s efforts to form alliances with Nissan, GM, Volkswagen, Tata Motors, Magna, GAZ, Hyundai, Honda and Toyota “have been determined and undertaken in good faith but have met uniformly without success,” admits LaSorda.

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And that’s just the prototype. The LA Times‘ Dan Neil (the automotive journalist’s automotive journalist) got an exclusive first up-close look at Tesla’s Model S and comes away with some healthy skepticism. What did he learn? “Tesla has already had to walk back a claim regarding the Model S’ recharge capacity. The car will not have the capacity to accept 440-volt current, which would allow it to be charged in 45 minutes,” for one thing. The prototype “is just barely ambulatory,” writes Neil. “More like a glorified golf cart than a harbinger of tomorrow tech.” Also, “the car’s signature design flourish—a 17-inch, touch-screen control panel with haptic feedback in the center console —may not even make it to production.” And Neil’s skepticism is contagious: The Business Insider concludes that “There’s No Way Tesla’s Model S Will Cost $57,400” even after hefty government incentives. Ouch.

NPR’s Steve Inskeep: “You have no intent, and, in fact, not even the ability to remain major shareholders of two major auto companies?”

UAW President Ron Gettelfinger: “That’s correct. We do not have the ability because of the need for the cash in the VEBA.”

Inskeep: “Are you optimistic that Chrysler is going to emerge from bankruptcy in a long-term viable form?

Gettelfinger: “First of all, we did everything we possibly could to keep Chrysler from filing for bankruptcy. We did our part, and we’re not responsible for them being in bankruptcy . . . ”

Welcome to the new Chrysler ownership. And unlike Cerberus they’re not even pretending they’re in it for the long haul. But to whom will they sell? Listen to the whole story here.