In my many years as a ghostwriter for a leading exec of Volkswagen, there was one joke that was always shot down. Early VW navigation systems gave you the voice prompt “die Route wird berechnet.” Which translates to “the route is being calculated.” It could also be understood as “I’ll charge you for the whip.” My one-liner that a new VW comes with a factory-standard dominatrix was always suppressed. I wonder why.
I was reminded of my dark past when I opened Automobilwoche [sub] today, only to read that BMW intends to turn their Minis into a gabfest on wheels. Carrying the moniker “mission control,” electronics will listen to the traffic on the car’s CAN bus, and then the gizmo will drown you with clever remarks.
When you turn on the windshield wipers, a voice will remind you that wet roads can be slippery. If you take a turn Baruth-style, you’ll get a tongue-wag from mission control. Of course, an unfastened seat belt will receive an appropriate remark. Hop in the car, and you’ll be bothered by blather about all systems being nominal, except for the next scheduled service that will be due in two hundred forty five point nine miles.
Product Manager Florian Reuter proudly revealed that the system reacts to 120 events, and that it possesses a frightening repertoire of 1500 comments, easily thumping the communication skills of the typical product of America’s public school system.
A new system like this must have shades of green. Expect oodles of prattle pertaining to the political and environmental correctness of youse [Ed. Public school, B?] driving style.
Mission control will come standard with the Mini 50 Camden, celebrating the big Five-Oh of the Mini. Later, it will infest other Minis, even a retrofit for older speechless Minis is planned. Will the nattering nonsense spread to BMWs? “Totally thinkable” rants Reuter.
BMWs won’t come with factory-standard dominatrixes. They will come with a built-in nanny that talks nineteen to the dozen.
It could also be understood as “I’ll charge you for the whip.” My one-liner that a new VW comes with a factory-standard dominatrix was always suppressed.
Too bad. It would have made a great addition to those great VW “Unpimp mein ride” commercials.
This is a bad joke, right?
Please let this just be an option for masochists.
Has automotive technology reached the point where there is nothing useful left to work on that will actually improve the driving experience? I would expect a severe backlash if they try to make this a mainstream feature.
Might be cool if they got William Daniels…actually, no. No. This entire idea sounds terrible.
Too bad vw didn’t come up with this first. Wouldve gone great with the talking beetle.
That’s it…MINI is off the list! Think I’m going to find me another 1978 Plymouth Arrow and be done with it!
This is funny because this is not the first car to be so equiped. The maestro of the early eighties had a similar system to bitch about stuff. Even funnier that it was built in the same plant the mini is now.
My whip doesn’t even have OBD-II, and I consider that a feature.
Do you ever get the feeling that MINI’s German overlords don’t really think the products are truly worthy as driver’s cars, motivating them to punch up the cuteness and gimmickry as much as possible?
If this catches on, I’ll develop an aftermarket product. Whenever the car starts yakking, my gizmo answers:
“On your knees, bitch.”
In Shenzen, they’ll probably make it for 50 cents per piece, full container load only. Taking orders now.
Just one more reason to keep the wire-cutters handy in the toolbox. My car came with exactly one nanny feature, and it was too much to take – a dumptruck-like backup beep when in reverse gear. 10 minutes of Internet research later, the instrument cluster was pulled out and the offending wire snipped. I have yet to take off in reverse at a traffic light, and the mocking laughter of my friends has abated somewhat…
The least they could do is make it entertaining like the Homer Simpson TomTom GPS
Sounds like we’re back to 1984 all over again – and no I’m not talking Orwell. I’m talking 1984 Chrysler LeBaron with that nagging voice prompt.
Remember?
“Your door is a-jar.”
Repeated over and over until the desire to chop up the electrical system was greater than the desire to close the door.
Wait, the talking car thing already done in the 80’s when the original Knight Rider was on TV. it was annoying then, and this sounds worse.
I once got a ride in a K-car with the digital dashboard, and it also had the talking nanny thing. It sounded like someone trying to talk underwater, or with a mouth full of marshmallows. I don’t know what all it said, except “Your door is ajar” and “All monitored systems are functioning normally” when you first started the engine. That was a joke; the car was a real beater. It should’ve been programmed to sound like Marvin the Paranoid Android: “Do you want me to sit in the corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?”
Of course, this might spawn an aftermarket industry in reprogramming the speech synthesis on Minis to give it some personality.
Seems like that “feature” would be entertaining for about 5 minutes. Then it would just be annoying. My guess is by the end of the first day of ownership it would be disconnected.
Actually I believe the LeBaron said, more impersonally, “A door is ajar.”
Besides providing an answer to the silly philosophical question, “When is a door not a door?” I remember the calming male voice and the use of the indefinite article as an attempt to use discretion to avoid pinning unnecessary blame on the driver.
As long as it can be turned off.
Marvin the Paranoid Android would have been a great one for my 82 Chevy Celebrity. My friends called it the Millennium Falcon because the most common phrase that came out of my mouth in that car was: “Damn it! I thought I just fixed that!”
I do remember the talking Chrysler only because it was featured in a Magnum PI TV movie. Tom Selick hunted down and destroyed that chip pretty quickly.
It could work if it were programmed to be unpredictable/mimic the Patterns of human speech.
It doesn’t alert you on every single thing, says something @ beginning+end of day, and only makes ~3-5 other comments during the day at uneven intervals.
Now if you can get it in Saucy British Dominatrix, like Elizabeth Hurley, I’d buy one.
We inherited one of those talking K-cars from my father-in-law.
What a hoot! “A door is ajar! A door is ajar!” “You didn’t have to SLAM it!”
Then there was the time it announced “Your coolant level is low!” It should have said “Your cheap plastic radiator is leaking like a sieve!”
Sounds like we’re back to 1984 all over again – and no I’m not talking Orwell. I’m talking 1984 Chrysler LeBaron with that nagging voice prompt.
Remember?
“Your door is a-jar.”
My Dad owned one of those and his favorite joke was to respond to the car shouting, “No its not, its a-DOOR!” and would proceed to laugh himself sick and I would pretend to be anywhere else.
Funny, my ’86 300ZX 2+2 had a headless female voice that had a distinct Japanese accent. Can’t wait to hear some angry Deutsche pumping through my Mini’s speakers, berating me for drinking coffee while driving.
My one-liner that a new VW comes with a factory-standard dominatrix was always suppressed.
A friend with a BMW 7-series enjoys demonstrating that increasing the tone setting on the computer with the female voice enabled gets the lady to repeat “harder … harder … HARDER”.
“the Mini 50 Camden, celebrating the big Five-Oh of the Mini.”
Excellent! Camden is one of New Jersey’s blighted urban areas. It’s so bad, even Philadelphia keeps it across the river.
Camden is one of those places where they anchor a battleship to attract tourists.
To have a talking MINI named after it is just absolutely wonderful.
An here is a Maestro talkings…in four languages (this one is slightly knackered hence the poor tone)