Here at TTAC, we read the press releases so you don’t have to. Well, that’s an exaggeration. To begin with, we don’t read them all, because most of them are boring. And sometimes it’s most expedient to simply repackage the press release for your consumption and earn a buck/free trip/free car/logo-branded polyester apparel for our trouble. Most press releases are pretty simple and read something like these:
New Color Options For Slow-Selling Car In Final Year Of Production Expected To Generate Spontaenous Ejaculation In Rats, Soccer Dads
More Powerful Engine For Boring Sedan Increases The Chances Of Fatal Accidents Among Future Fourth Owners, Innocent Bystanders
Concept Vehicle Bearing No Resemblance To Any Future Vehicle Is Sole New Item At Critical Auto Show As Competitors Debut Fresh Lineups
Auto Designer Known For Single Successful Design Moving To New Automaker, Expected To “Design” An Utter Knockoff Of Original Success
Exciting New Marketing Alliance With Foust, Pastrana, Block, And/Or Limp Biskit To Reach Vital New Demographic Of Basement-Dwelling Mooks Whose Parents Occasionally Purchase Pre-Owned SUVs
Those are the usual suspects, and although they are all banal at best, they are not actually evil. The press release of which you are about to read, however, is different. Be warned. You are about to cross the line beyond which there is no return. Clicking the jump may, in fact, summon the Elder God itself, the horrible, animate survivor of the distant aeon…
This tale of evil starts with a company called AutoPacific. As far as I or anyone I asked regarding the subject can tell, AutoPacific is kind of a knock-off JD Power. Like JD Power, AutoPacific surveys people who have nothing better to do than fill out a survey. Like JD Power, AutoPacific uses these surveys to generate a bunch of highly questionable awards which are then sold to the highest bidder shared with the world as a whole through a series of soul-crushing press releases.
AutoPacific’s newest award appears to be the “Ideal Vehicle Awards”. Do not confuse this with the JD Power APEAL (Acronym Purporting to Enhance Appeal to Losers Automotive Performance, Execution, And Layout) Awards. The Ideal Vehicle Awards
[recognize] those products designed most closely to meet the requirements of their buyers. The IVAs are based solely on owner input. These results are the voice of the math. AutoPacific does not have a vote. We only do the arithmetic.
AutoPacific’s IVAs measure the fusion between owner expectations and the reality provided by the manufacturer by quantitatively measuring how closely a vehicle matches those expectations.
An ideal vehicle is one that meets the owner’s expectations for the product. They do not want it changed. They don’t want it bigger. They don’t want it faster. They don’t want its styling changed. When asked what they would change about their new vehicle, buyers who want the least change are driving their ideal vehicle.
That last sentence makes my eyes cross, by the way. Does that mean that if the buyers who want the least change are not asked what they would change about their new vehicle, that they are not driving the ideal vehicle? Or does it mean that the buyers who want the least change can’t respond to the question, because they are busy driving their ideal vehicle? I can’t even think about it.
As is usual with these kinds of scams awards, the AutoPacific Ideal Awards have been completely ignored by an uncaring public but eagerly reTweeted and press-released by the manufacturers who were, er, lucky enough to be mentioned. In fact, it’s a fair bet that the only place you’ll see a mention of AutoPacific awards is in a manufacturer press release…
…unless you read Autobytel.com. In a recent article, Autobytel uncritically and non-ironically reported the results of this ridiculous well-respected awarding of awards. A check of Autobytel’s site shows forty-eight articles about awards, by the way. Read them all at Autobytel’s Awards Page here, which provides separate and distinct links to at least fifteen AutoPacific awards.
Why is Autobytel so interested in sharing the results of AutoPacific’s award-awarding process with the world? I suspect it’s cash-related a heartfelt desire to make sure that every new-car buyer has a chance to read bizarrely-constructed sentences regarding ideal vehicles. (Full disclosure: I called Autobytel’s PR people to get a quote for this article. They had my mortal enemy their Senior Editor, the lovely and talented talented and lovely Michelle Naranjo, return my call. Alas, I was hiding under my desk, shuddering in fear not able to take the call at the time, nor have we successfully connected since.) Regardless of the reasons, publishing AutoPacfic’s press releases appear to be important enough to Autobytel that the company released a press release of its own regarding AutoPacific’s press releases:
Autobytel Features 2011 AutoPacific Ideal Vehicle Awards on Newly Designed Website
Autobytel Inc. (Nasdaq: ABTL), the company dedicated to helping dealers and car-buyers connect online, is pleased to announce it will feature the 2011 Ideal Vehicle Awards (IVA) released today by automotive research and consulting firm, AutoPacific. The awards will be prominently featured on Autobytel’s newly designed flagship site, Autobytel.com, whose consumer mission is to serve as Your Lifetime Automotive Advisor(TM).
Thank Christ they trademarked that phrase before the Chinese stole it.
The new Autobytel.com’s peer-to-peer reviews, exclusive content and user personalization are central upgrades to the recently unveiled site. Adding AutoPacific’s IVA to the site will enhance the new user experience.
“Featuring the Ideal Vehicle Awards on the newly designed Autobytel.com is a natural fit for us,” said Autobytel Inc. President and Chief Executive Officer, Jeffrey H. Coats. “When we redesigned our website, we listened to what consumers wanted from a site like ours, and they repeatedly told us of their desire to hear from other consumers who already own a vehicle they are considering. Given the multitude of features and benefits measured in the IVA by consumers, these awards do just that. We are happy to feature the IVA on Autobytel.com and the Autobytel Facebook page offering true consumer-to-consumer points-of-view.”
That sound you hear is your soul strangling as you read those sentences. You have fallen into the grip of the Dark One himself, the squid-faced monster from the dawn of time. When words have no meaning — when everything is for sale — when a smiling face conveys nothing but vapid profiteering — then, and only then, can Cthulu return to destroy the world.
“We are excited that Autobytel is featuring the Ideal Vehicle Awards on its flagship site, Autobytel.com,” says George Peterson, President of AutoPacific.
Say “flagship” ONE MORE TIME. Mother****er.
“Based on our research, 38% of buyers are influenced by awards won by the vehicle they are considering
Based on my research, 38% of buyers are too stupid to live.
What does it mean when a media source fires off a press release concerning its decision to publish other press releases? Is Autobytel.com, the flagship site of Autobytel, even functioning as a media source in this instance, or is this straight pay-for-publish content? If that’s the case, does that mean that Autobytel should publish a disclaimer when they do more conventional auto-journo stuff? Is this the equivalent of the notorious “Special Advertising Section” found in Car and Driver and Road and Track and so on? If that’s so, should it be marked as such?
All of these are questions which should be asked, and answered, by some qualified media watchdog. I am not that media watchdog. I’m just a fellow hiding under his desk, waiting for Cthulu.
If Cthulu does walk among us, can we expect a Top Ten Rides For Ancient Gods article from Jalopnik?
It was Vice-President of the US for 8 years. Didn’t you recognize him?
Not surprisingly, the Porsche 911 won the “Rear-engine, rear-wheel-drive German Sports Car Award.”
I have a feeling most 911 owners are driving their ideal vehicle, and the only thing they’d want changed would be more letters on the rear decklid.
Just screw and get it over with, Autobytel and AutoPacific. We’re trying to have a good time here, and this whole tension thing between you is real buzzkill.
Agreed.
-!!!Oh wait; I thought you were saying that @Colonel_Kurtz, I mean @Jack Baruth, wanted to screw Michelle Naranjo,
but couldn’t bring himself to sink that low,
Yet.
=>and the whole Cthulhu composite was just a projection of Jack’s internal Jungian strife between:
The “Ejaculate[ing] Soccer Dad”‘s unholy lust for her,
the inhuman, almost Xenomorph-grotesque of his intended,
and “The Horror” the inevitable Universe-Apocalypsing lovechild would turn out to be.
…
so: just much ado about boner-consequences,
Semper Fi, carry on…
C’mon, a gentleman doesn’t say unkind things about a woman’s looks. Besides, Michelle isn’t anywhere near grotesque. No Marni Lustig, but not ugly.
Here’s a video of Naranjo fending off Baruth’s considerable charm.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RkqZrjkbKM&w=540&h=332]
My take is a touch less emotional than Jack’s. AutoPacific wants to boost awareness, AutoByTel wants unique content for little or no money. While the details might be of interest, I’m not smelling anything nefarious here beyond the usual press release mindlessness.
In a quick look at the actual content, I notice two things:
1. The scores of the displayed models are so similar that differences between them are likely meaningless even if they pass a test of statistical significance (and they might not).
2. The most potentially informative information is in the form of “X% want more Y%.” But without the ability to easily compare such information across models, it’s of limited use.
The problem with all such satisfaction surveys is that they don’t control for who bought the car, perhaps because there’s no easy way to do this. People who don’t like something about a car often don’t buy it (unless the out the door price makes it seem too cheap to pass up). AutoPacific somewhat covers this by noting the role of expectations.
Still, it’s not clear what is really being measured. The impact of such incentives? How thoroughly buyers of a particular model tend to evaluate their options before settling on one? Shortcomings that aren’t obvious during the typical test drive?
Surely these AutoPacific guys must be residing in the same office as those other eejits TTAC wrote about recently – you know, the ones that were trying to tell us the total quality rating depends on how much you love your car?
(Incidentally, by how much would it alter the car’s rating if I replied to the question “What would you like to change about your vehicle” with “The person in the passenger seat”? Just a thought.)
That is the hardest that I have laughed at a news blog article title. EVER.
I, for one, welcome our Elder God overlords.
(Not that it would matter after I lost my sanity…)
Yay, another L-body turbocar! You can identify them by the offset hood vent, which was their loudest proclamation that something unfair had been installed at the factory.
This is just a pic I found on the net, but that was my first car purchase (used). Would pass everything but a repair shop…
I loved the car, it hated me. Still wish I had it…
Chtulu for president!
Don’t blame me, I voted for Nyogtha, The Thing which Should Not Be.
Chtulu for president!
Why settle for the Lesser Evil?
tl;dr
No, sorry, that’s a lie. I did note that you mis-spelled Limp Bizkit, but after that I stopped paying attention and glazed over. Oh, wait, is that Yog-Sothoth I see?
It’s OT, I know, but I love the idea of autoblogosphere Cthulu headlines:
Autoblog: “Controversial” Cthulu Styling Draws Mixed Reactions
Jalopnik: Cthulu Masturbated and Did Cocaine Within Several Blocks Of At Least One Car
TheCarConnection: EXCLUSIVE: Elder God Returns, Entire World Goes Insane, We Bring You The Exclusive Details You Won’t Read Anywhere Else
Motor Trend: Is The Returning Cthulu As Awesome As The Original, Pre-Eternal-Sleep Cthulu?
Detroit Free Press: Return Of Cthulu Makes Now A Great TIme To Buy A Detroit Three Vehicle
…seriously though, I just hope he eats me first.
Coming soon from Daewoo: the Chevy Cthulu!
[img]http://www.google.com/imgres?q=buick+tooth&hl=en&safe=off&sa=X&biw=1440&bih=813&tbm=isch&prmd=ivns&tbnid=6ZArdeudTOZknM:&imgrefurl=http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/DODGE-FARGO-PICKUP-BUICK-TOOTH-GRILLE-/290565527972&docid=U_Rdll8P5Pm0lM&itg=1&w=300&h=168&ei=Y2pVTsO1FoTjrAfGmKG1Dg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=414&vpy=132&dur=8645&hovh=134&hovw=240&tx=119&ty=93&page=1&tbnh=113&tbnw=202&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0[/img] the Chtulu S2000 pickup…
WINNER. OMG. I CAN SEE FOREVER.
Gearbox Magazine: In Your Garage at R’lyeh, Dead Race Car Waits Dreaming
TTAC fhtagn.
Miskatonic University Department of Statistics has blessed these surveys, so they must be true.
Furthermore, 38% of me wants to buy a like-awarded car. Alternatively, I unambivalently want to own 38% of such a car, maybe the seats and the dashboard.
I’d drive a Cthulu, but I’d hold out for the Cthulu SS.
I read the title of this piece and thought, “Jack is a lot like David Foster Wallace sometimes, just still alive.”
Is Autobytel for real? I mean seriously, what author has the name “Charles Krome”?
And one has to ‘click through’ to read a story! Blatently catering to the advertisers…
Actually, I can verify that Charles Krome is a living, breathing person. Met him at the Camry drive yesterday (along with some of Jack’s favorites, who weren’t entirely pleased with the buffet). I think he also writes for AutoSavant.
Well then, he should award himself an IVA for Most Appropriate Auto Reporter Name, along with Charles Carbon-Fibre and Charles Piano-Black-Trim.
Someone making an auto-related joke about my last name? Wow, that’s never happened before … how very original “Derby19.”
To me, the most shocking thing about this article was learning that Autobytel still exists. I would have thought they should have gone out of business sometime in the late 1990s.
TTAC = The Truth About Cthulu
I haven’t laughed this much at the comments section in eons.
That looks more like an octopus than a squid.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn
… And there goes the last of my sanity.
(runs around room laughing and chanting)
Ah hell, Really? An unbalanced cosmos notes that kind of language and repays it in kind.
Check your garage, I bet the Ion’s already awaiting you.
Will TTAC next run a comparo review putting Cthulhu up against Ba’al Z’vuv?
Koo Koo Cthulu?
*shrug*
I would strongly consider having a “Lifetime Automotive Advisor(TM)” if it came with a 10 year warranty.
That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may buy.
That video reminds me of the web viral videos Ford put out to introduce the Focus where the randy muppet keeps annoying the guy he works with and harrasses his female boss.