We take issues of censorship and media freedom very seriously here at TTAC. Well, I’ve been told that Bertel and Ed do, anyway. Long-time readers will recall the little tempest-in-teapot earlier this year when Detroit News editor Scott Burgess threw his pacifier out of his crib over a Chrysler 200 review and then returned to employment with the paper shortly afterwards. Many Bothans died to bring you this information, if by “Bothans” you mean “Jalopnik readers” and by “died” you mean “were bored to death by self-righteous editorials regarding”.
A TTAC reader recently pointed me to an editorial by Mr. Burgess entitled “Cruze across Europe: Loved overseas, Chevy’s efficient diesel coming to the States”. I was intrigued by this article. While it appeared at first glance to be a shameless puff piece that combined a European vacation for the hard-working Mr. Burgess (and his wife) with a vaguely-defined test loop for the diesel Cruze, I quickly realized that it was a very subversive piece. The first clue was the title. “Loved overseas?” Wink, wink, Mr. B. I see what you did there. And sentences like “Really, the Cruze should receive a hero’s welcome in America” are simply begging to be revealed for the subtle jabs that they are.
With this in mind, I decided to check a few more Burgess articles to find out what he was managing to slip past those bastards at the Detroit News. This tale of defiance and inner strength reminds me of the Dalai Lama, or that Gandhi fellow, or… I know! Oh yes. But instead of V For Vendetta, we’ll call it F For Freecar.
First up: The Land Rover LR4, in an article titled “Land Rover’s cool luxury can’t be beat”. This is such a hopeless vehicle that even suckers like yours truly, who took delivery of four brand-new Rover products between 1997 and 2004, can’t be bothered to test-drive one. How did Mr. Burgess skewer this toad?
The LR4 has a clean and luxurious look, from the big flat front end to that iconic asymmetrical rear hatch. Somehow, this SUV can pull off muscular, elegant and sophisticated all at the same time. Nothing else looks like the LR4, except another LR4, and that’s the true beauty of this vehicle. It’s the George Clooney of SUVs…
Then there’s this vehicle’s capabilities. There’s a reason Land Rovers find themselves doing those tough jobs in desolate places around the world. Land Rovers can go nearly everywhere, and the LR4 is no exception.
Okay, I have to admit, I’m having a little difficulty finding the hidden criticism. Maybe it’s in the sentence “Land Rovers can go nearly everywhere…” especially to the dealer for service! Get it?
Let’s try another review. “Hyundai gives luxury a ride”, for the 5.0 Genesis R. Come on, Scott! Work your magic!
…the slightly improved 2012 Genesis 5.0 R Spec charts new territory for a brand that is full of surprises… It is always going to be at the front of the line… On the road, the Genesis 5.0 is an absolute blast to drive. You can feel its acceleration in your belly… The specially tuned five-link independent front and rear suspension help the Genesis 5.0 hug corners and keep a straight line through any turn…
NICE ONE, SCOTT! “Keep a straight line through any turn.” He is subliminally telling readers that the Genesis will murder them if they are stupid enough to enter a corner while driving it.
It holds lines nicely, though sometimes you wish it was a little firmer to prevent some over-steer. (If this starts to happen, the Genesis comes with 13.6-inch ventilated disc brakes that will bring you to a stop amazingly fast.)
Now, he takes the gloves off. We all know what happens if you step on the brakes during an actual on-the-limit oversteer situation — the car will immediately spin — so Burgess is now inviting anybody stupid enough to buy this car to just go fuckin’ KILL THEMSELVES!
Hyundai didn’t sacrifice any of the amenities in this luxury machine. The entire cabin is encased in leather and wood to provide an old-world luxury feel. Close your eyes, and you’re not likely to know which brand you’re buying, only that it’s good.
THE GENESIS! YOU’D HAVE TO BE BLIND TO WANT ONE!
And just when you think that Scott will disrespect some whips only though the most insidious of criticisms, we come across a car that he just flat bitch-slaps. I mean, he wrecks shop. No subtlety needed to understand this review:
I was eating some plain toast the other morning, looking out the window at the [REDACTED] and wondering what it might be like to drive it again. But something distracted me and I forgot about it… completely forgettable… the modern-day driving Prozac… It’s the risk-free choice for a large swath of the public who could care less (Wow, both the “editor” and the editor of the DetNews are illiterate — JB)… the company spent a lot less money on inside materials.
While the performance is solid and the exterior is fine, the interior is a hodgepodge of plastic and stitching that has no real semblance of continuity… The silver round switches that control the fans and temperature click with the confidence of a poorly constructed Happy Meal toy… The asymmetrical dash slopes down on the passenger’s side, as if it melted in the hot sun and a vent has started to leak out of it… but there are just too many other midsize cars better
I’m speechless. This is Burgess at his two-fisted best, attacking a car without regard to the advertisers, the editors, or the vested interests of the paper itself. Courage. Power. Manliness. It’s all on display. Unbelievable.
I can’t believe the Detroit News let him say all those bad things about the Toyota Camry.
I love your articles, but I also love my Genesis :-). We should compare 4.6L engines sometime..
Yeah, and you can eat a sandwich at the end of the quarter-mile while you’re waiting for my Town Car to arrive. I know a sucker’s bet when I see one! ;)
While Aquineas is eating the sandwich waiting for your car to arrive, he can also double task and write out the check for his car payment.
“Puff, the magic dragon…” or “Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.”
Don’t ask me what that means, I just thought it was appropriate at some level (or perhaps many levels?).
“so Burgess is now inviting anybody stupid enough to buy this car to just go fuckin’ KILL THEMSELVES!”
Well this is the internet. I would get scared if some jack-ass didn’t instruct me to kill myself at least once per day.
Okay, so my favorite Baruth post (Lexus hybrid) has been toppled after…one day. You’re on a roll, Jack!
Better watch out Scotty doesn’t jam a bag load of leftover cheeseburgers in your tailpipe, Jack. (see what I did there?)
Nah. Scotty doesn’t know.
attacking the Camry is a nation past time isn’t it? even the government does it
and since its still #1 and the audience doesn’t care how it drives then who cares what reviewers write?
Was that about the last gen Camry, or the just released one? The inside of the ’07 car really was THAT bad. The latest gen at least *looks* like a step in the right direction, but I haven’t actually touched any of the surfaces. The ’07 Camry interior felt like it would fall to pieces if you so much as glared at it.
Now, he takes the gloves off. We all know what happens if you step on the brakes during an actual on-the-limit oversteer situation — the car will immediately spin — so Burgess is now inviting anybody stupid enough to buy this car to just go fuckin’ KILL THEMSELVES!
On my drive home, there is a downhill left (on the way to work, it’s an uphill right!) posted at 60 kph. When it is clear, my MPV and I go through it at 90+ with no hint of drama. When it is not clear, it seems that everyone else goes through it like this: slow to 65-70, enter the turn, brake right before the apex, continue braking off and on until the road straightens out, then speed back up to 90 kph. Every day I have visions of those cars touching the brakes then spinning off into the guardrail.
Then I wonder how they convince themselves that they are capable of traveling at 90 kph when they would be utterly unable to handle an avoidance maneuver at that speed.
Then I turn off and take the twistier, town avoiding way home, instead of the straights-with-too-many-stoplights way everyone else goes.
I read that at first as MPH and kept thinking to myself “this man is completely nuts”. Then I realized it’s km/h and everything made sense again.
Interesting. I read it as MPH, too. These H. sapiens brains see what they expect.
“It holds lines nicely, though sometimes you wish it was a little firmer to prevent some over-steer. (If this starts to happen, the Genesis comes with 13.6-inch ventilated disc brakes that will bring you to a stop amazingly fast.)”
Even before your comments I ended up snorfing coffee all over me keyboard after reading that one. How the hell can anyone who calls themselves an ‘auto journalist’ know so little about the very basics of driving… oh… wait…
Good stuff, Baruth.
Well done!
Your command of atomic-scale subtlety and innuendo is near- Hofstadter-Chesterfieldian.
Now if YOU could only have edited “The Cryptonomicon”, we would have had a clever, enjoyable read.
Please, if you have the requisite strength in your quads, please tape a copy to your strong-side foot and place-kick Neal Stephenson in the nards of doom for me. Thanks.
I’m just starting “Anathem”. Early indications aren’t promising. The problem with Neal’s books is that the “Marty Stu” factor pops up SOOOO often.
What? You don’t go around wielding 2 swords while at the same time hacking the “Metaverse” while also riding 300 mph on an experimental techno-cycle?
Hiro Protagonist indeed…
I actually loved Anathem (which likely says more about me than I should be willing to admit). I thought it was a lot of fun (honestly). In fact, reading it actually prompted me to try more of Stephenson’s work (which I must confess I haven’t liked as much).
Jack, I’d be tempted to criticize your ongoing jihad against your fellow auto journos as petty if I didn’t find it so damn entertaining! I’ll concede that it is a target-rich environment.
He’s back!
“Loved overseas”? Kinda reminds me of a scene from Cameron Crowe’s 1992 movie “Singles”. The setting was Seattle, right around the time the Grunge scene was going nuclear. Matt Dillon’s character was the lead singer of a not-so-talented thrash metal/grunge band, Citizen Dick. (actually his bandmates were played by the much more talented members of Pearl Jam). After reading one too many scathing reviews from the rock critics he defended his band with “Well they like us in BELGIUM!”
Scott Burgess has become the laughing stock of auto journalism. Is there anyone left, besides you, Jack, that reads him anymore? I haven’t even read Det News since he was re-hired. No loss, he was never much as a writer anyways, and I’m not completely sure he even knows how to drive, considering some of the foolishness that has passed his lips.
Wasn’t Burgess fired for telling the truth about the Chrysler 200, one of the bailout’s miracle cars? Shouldn’t the time to have stopped reading the Dettroit News been when he was fired, the time to have stopped reading him would have been when he went back?
Oh, c’mon, Jack, it’s totally unfair for you to pick on poor Scott like that. Unfair, I say!
“Loved Overseas”? I’m pretty sure that means “piece of crap”. How do I know this? Because David Hasselhoff is loved overseas!!
David Hassehoff is reviled anywhere there is land
I’m puzzled by Ray Wert’s support of Burgess. Does Ray owe him money? Perhaps embarrassing photos are involved. Whatever the case, it continues to make automotive journalism look like a wonderful picnic on top of a sewer grate.