It was nestled in quite unassuming fashion between a Columbus Zoo flier and something from The Folio Society. I came this close to throwing it away… but as you will see, ladies and gentlemen, that would have been a grave mistake, because the information that little postcard brought me quite turned my day around.
It would appear that I have won my lawsuit against AutoWeek, and it didn’t even take an amazingly disappointing reunion of two-thirds of the Geto Boys’ adult-height members to obtain justice for my suffering. I now have the complete and unvarnished satisfaction that comes with mashing the heel of my Crockett & Jones Weymouth against the pasty, quadruple-chinned visage of AutoWeek‘s Inheritor-In-Chief, “I Was Too Fat As A Kid To Play Double” Dutch Mandel. The only question left: what to do with all this cheddar I’m about to clock.
It should be noted, however, briefly, that I had not taken the time to keep up with the legal proceedings on my behalf, partially because of my busy schedule and partially because I was not aware that said proceedings were taking place. Nevertheless, it’s right here, in black and white, on the postcard:
Records show that you paid for an individual subscription to Autoweek as of January 12, 2009.
Okay, if they say I did.
There is a class action lawsuit against (Crain) concerning the redesign of Autoweek that took place… on January 12, 2009
Now we’re getting somewhere. That “redesign” sucked and blew with the force of a Dyson Animal. If I recall correctly, that was the one where they just put “AW” on the cover instead of “Autoweek”. Like. “AWwwww, you’re about to read another story by Dutch about how he took a free trip to Italy.” I swear, if they didn’t publish Denise McCluggage I wouldn’t even rip one page out before using the rest to wipe up spilled oil in the garage.
The lawsuit claims… the reduction in publication frequency
Yeah, thank G-d for that, it was like having a sex offender visit your house every other week instead of each Friday on the dot.
…breached obligations
WAIT, WUT? No, that wasn’t the problem at all! The problem is that the magazine SUCKS! You’ve got it BACKWARDS! No matter. The postcard is discussing compensation. Hold on, it looks like we are getting to the part where I receive a 458 Italia and a dream date with Sasha Grey.
Crain has agreed to provide… six free issues
OH, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.
or a one-year subscription renewal for $22.95
Perilously, I tell you, perilously close to a dollar per issue. That’s like me paying MacNeil Automotive Products a quarter per ad! To read it! This is a magazine you can get for free!
If you do not want to be legally bound by the Settlement
Not if it means I have to receive six free issues, I don’t.
you must exclude yourself from the class by May 12, 2012
Let me get right on that exclusion from the class. Well, this is just too lame for words. First they get my hopes up that everyone at AutoWeek, with the exception of Davey Johnson, will be fed into a woodchipper, said woodchipper making a satisfying “squoosh” noise when it reaches Dutch. Well, maybe they didn’t exactly promise that, but I was promised revenge. Revenge, for reading their articles. Revenge, for having to see hundreds of not-funny “But wait, there’s more” captions. Revenge, for publishing some advertisements for a Lotus Seven clone car that I bought and from the ownership experience of which I subsequently suffered the tortures of the Inferno.
Instead, I get six free issues.
Now I know how Fred Goldman feels.
That last line is going to cause some trouble.
jack, just relax and get your meds adjusted
At least the Columbus Zoo is world-class, contains unique content, and is well worth the price of admission! Thanks, Jack Hanna…
And they serve beer!
That sounds like the settlement that Microsoft got back in the late Clinton administration-“You must give away a product that is worse than worthless. Oh, and the lawyers get a half-B for some reason.”
I was once published in the “but wait, there’s more” section. true story.
Wow that sucks so much harder than the free oil change I got from Jiffy Lube because I darkened their door at some point in the late 1990s.
(Class action suit over “fees”.)
I subscribed in the days of “Competition Press”, that wonderful little clump of folded newsprint.
Back when you found out who won the weekend’s big races the Thursday afterward.
It isn’t easy to get rid of an Autoweek, excuse me, an AW subscription. At first it seems like it will be easy. They’re ‘warning’ you that it will lapse, and pushing a renewal for a laughable sum. This will work itself out, you think. Next, they’re threatening you that your beloved magazine will cease to arrive, and you’ll be left defenseless in a world of crucial, life saving automotive facts. Then they’re pleading for you to continue for a token fee, merely consideration to show that the AW paper is still welcome in your recycling bin. Then the damned things keep showing up for a while anyway, until you get a notice that they’re going to keep sending them because you lost a court case.
Isn’t that the case. I didn’t mind the weekly print but with the bi-monthly print and web based auto info easy to find I couldn’t wait until they stopped filling up the mailbox.
Jack:
Your resentment is really getting very obvious lately.
What started out as an amusing piece about a ridiculous lawsuit took a dark, vitriolic and unwarranted turn. Look, I’ve always found Dutch Mandel insufferable too, aren’t unemployment and irrelevance enough for you? Fed to a wood chipper? I doubt even “Fargo” fans would find that funny.
I agree. It could have been funnier, or more informative (comparing AW circulation numbers vs. the reformat, etc.). The only thing it had in excess were the insults, and they were of the angry kind, not the humorous kind.
A Deathwatch article would be a nice break from the monotony. :P
I’m simply tired of articles about other publications.
“…against the pasty, quadruple-chinned visage of AutoWeek‘s Inheritor-In-Chief, “I Was Too Fat As A Kid To Play Double” Dutch Mandel.”
You’re not exactly an underwear model yourself, you know.
You’re begging the question: If you had to see one of them in underwear, Jack or Dutch…exactly.
Granny panties or g-strings? It’s a crucial fact to know before submitting an answer.
Well, it would be mean-spirited of me to say these things if I looked like George Clooney, wouldn’t it?
Have you SEEN George Clooney…without Photoshop?
No, the one time we were supposed to hang out he sent the police instead, to tell me to “stop making threats”.
Sorry, but I fail to see the humor here and the ranting reminds me of my insane sister in law who when heated up about something that in reality is really insignificant and unimportant ends the story by saying “it blew my tits off” and then I think, “you can’t blow off what you don’t have”……
ummm… can someone explain what happened here: “thank G-d for that”
Or what happens in the movies when the OMG expression is said as Oh My Gosh.
Is it that bad to name God or Dios or whatever? So far has gone the PC police?
*sigh*
Maybe Jack is Jewish?
That was my inkling.
or simply to interject some visual variety into the text
The religious folks themselves forbid it: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”
HTH!
“…it looks like we are getting to the part where I receive a 458 Italia and a dream date with Sasha Grey.”
Or, a Class A Newmar and Gianna Michaels.
I like your idea too though.
Can people (or editors) please note when something is NSFW? Seriously. I googled the first of the two names, Sasha Grey, thinking these women had something to do with racing or autocrossing. Quel suprise at what the search yielded – luckily I was by myself in the lunchroom/kitchen area when I searched.
Thanks. I’m not a prude, but it’s also not something I want employees viewing, either.
Will we ever get a capsule review of the Lotus Seven clone? Which one was it?
+1
The US distributor has plainly stated they will sue me if I ever discuss my experience with the car. On the day when I feel like paying an attorney, I’m going to share the story.
I’ve been in a couple of Netflix settlements, I got an extra DVD or two, the lawyers got a few million.
That’s pretty good. I got a check for $0.06 from an eBay settlement. It’s still sitting somewhere in my office . . .
They need to basically give away subscriptions without taking on the stigma of “free magazine” to keep their subscriber numbers high and the advertising income (the real main funding of any publication) coming in. The Baltimore Sun basically does the same thing; a friend of mine literally could not get them to stop sending papers to his house, even though he hasn’t paid them in years.
Relevant:
http://wondermark.com/597/
I must be going to hell, because I found this rant LOL funny. I feel the same exact way about a publication that was once the weekly automotive joy in my mailbox, back when it had actual news and Satch Carlson was still funny.
I actually like AW, quite a bit. Certainly the best of all the car mags, far as I’m concerned. Anyway, I got the same postcard. Can’t get through on the phone lines. And then today comes an email…
Take Advantage of this insider rate today and receive 1 year (26 issues) of Autoweek for just $20.
Sigh.