Photo shamelessly stolen from here because I can’t actually show the one I drove.
Prior to my current posh post, last year I was posted in the now defunct TTAC Caribbean bureau. It was in Curacao, a small Dutch protectorate just north of Venezuela.
While there, I did have a chance to test drive a “Hard Car.” A 2005 Scaletta Moloney Armored Police Code Crown Victoria. When offered the keys to this unnecessary luxury, I snapped them up faster than the boss could say “what the…”and hit the streets of Curacao looking for villains to mock from behind 2 inch layered ballistic glass like Billy Crystal ala’ “Running Scared.” Alas,’ there were no criminal masterminds. Like most tropical locations, Curacao has a good bit of petty crime, but is a safe place. Instead, I occupied myself by sampling the manners of a unique version of a very common car.
The first impression was “this car is a tank.” The second was thought was “…well duh.” But it’s not obvious from the looks. The car is designed to be pedestrian and hide in the throngs of dull sedans. The modifications follow the same lines as the original. Open the heavy door and the reduced entry is not apparent, until you actually try to get in. I found a ruler and examined the difference. The door is over 9 inches wide from exterior to the arm rest. All of that mass intrudes into the passenger compartment. Additionally the inside in crammed from armoring from the floor and roof.
Once inside, you can see the expanded A, B and C pillars to accommodate the bullet resistant glass, reducing visibility. At the point the glass meets the pillars; the view is distorted due to the multi layered laminate. So with the smaller interior, porthole view and massive doors, the tank sensation is apparent before you fire the engine.
Which you want to do quickly; even with the reduced exposure area, the ballistic glass accelerates the greenhouse effect, already in overdrive because it’s the Caribbean. You need the A/C going.
The underpinnings are standard Panther code fair. The controls feel, move and click the same. The interior is completely removed during construction, but as often as possible, original components are reused. You sit on the flat tweed buckets. The dash, stereo, window switches are our old friends from FoMoCo.
Anyone who has been to Florida knows asphalt near the ocean is made using crushed coral. This makes very slick pavement, especially when it rains. Given the mass of this particular Vic and reduced traction, I feared for the worst. As you would expect, the mass is obvious once moving. Unsure if this model had upgraded brakes, I mentally adjusted my stopping distance.
Then a sinister thought crept inside my adolescent brain. If it slides when stopping, it should slide from a stop. Mwahahahaha! Leaving the parking lot going is a slight uphill right turn. Killing the traction control, I pressed the brake, slid my foot on the gas, cranked the wheels and released.
Nothing. Dangit!
The next intersection was freshly paved, slick and involved a left turn. I took the same steps and even killed the AC. Still nothing. Aw man. I thought for sure that the suspect traction, run flat tires and big honking V-8 would get the pig lose, but every attempt resulted in brisk acceleration, but no hoonage.
This was a shame, because it leads to other ridiculous behaviors. Curacao has fewer Crown Vics than you have toes. Most of the actual police vehicles are Nissan pickups. The two unmarked vehicles on the island are a black 4 Runner and Accord. They are not used for issuing tickets.
Even with a rare silhouette, Victoria still gets her respect. Cars instinctively heel to the right at her approach. I resist the urge to hit the flashing blue lights.
And I fail. It was a blank stretch, avoiding an international incident. Still awesome.
The next morning the keys go back to my boss (who I hope you have figured out, didn’t actually work for TTAC.) The car was overkill for this work, but I understand why we had it. It’s as cool. As my time in this line of work stretches into its third decade, I find that is often the impetus for a lot of purchases and probably a subtle subtext of our current economic crisis.
So even if it isn’t a tropic location, should anyone offer you keys to an armored Panther Victoria, take them. You may not hoon, but you’ll enjoy it.
So the “bulletproof” panther is really, um, bulletproof… Does it come in a brown diesel wagon?
Can you give a little background on what you’re doing abroad?
He could tell ya but then he’d have to kill ya.
Sorry couldn’t resist…
What I do depends on where I am. The rules regarding disclosure are inconsistent and honestly, sometimes silly.
Should you get on Facebook, search my entire name and click on the only guy that comes up, it will be almost obvious in about 2 seconds. I am not a pilot or navigator
You ever meet a guy named Jim Dick? He’s my uncle and works with those radar planes. I remember him talking about being sent to curacao a few times.
Sorry, never met him. There were a few different platforms operating down there.
Ha, I decided to check Facebook and was confused to see that we have a mutual friend. Then I saw your cover pic.
I worked for the 961st for 2 years as COMSEC and IT, I got lots of friends in that world and it looks like you were stationed with one at some point.
Good times.
Noticed that as well. Small world!
Remember this when you hear someone call an old car a “tank.” Hope the tires had kevlar belts too or all that armoring was for naught.
Hmm, he says they are runflat tires. So this would be a valuable test for the Consumer Reports people to take on: How many punctures/bullets can runflat tires take before becoming just flats?
Of course in any instruction/training with bullet/blast resistant vehicles they stress that your main focus upon attack should be extracting the vehicle as far from the situation as fast as possible.
Sorry glossed over that. I have heard that some “tactical” cars have hard rubber rings inside their tires so that the car has something to run on if the tires get blown out.
A rubber coated steel ring. Makes the tire rather irrelevant (for a few tens of miles anyway…).
I always wonder about the radiator, myself – but I suppose you could still pretty far from the action on a busted radiator before you have to get out.
Yes and now, I don’t remember when Ford added fail safe cooling to the Panther chassis. If it has the fail safe cooling system then once the cylinder head temp gets too hot it will go into air cooled mode. That alternates the cylinders that get fuel, so it becomes a 4cyl. Then the speed limiter switches to something like 60 MPH and push it until the cylinder head temp gets high enough the engine will shut down.
I hate having to ride in the armored Crown Vics. They are so cramped. The Land Cruisers are hard to get into and out of without cracking your head, but once your in, there’s at least some room to sit.
They’ve got more room than a casket.
Or a jar.
+1
“Even with a rare silhouette, Victoria still gets her respect. Cars instinctively heel to the right at her approach. I resist the urge to hit the flashing blue lights.
And I fail. It was a blank stretch, avoiding an international incident. Still awesome.”
Heh heh. Yes. Yes it is.
Not going to talk about the time I dumped one of those into a rice patty while I was out on a drive with the niece of a former Japanese Prime Minister…
And just why not ? .
=8-) .
The _STORIES_ , Man ~ that’s why us Old Guys hang out here….
-Nate
I thought he just did…(scratches head)
We need more Crown Vic reviews. I love these cars so much.
I love Crown Vics too! In Miami “car feels like a tank” is a great sales point.
I work at a rental car company. I never met a customer that liked these things. They really made you appreciate your own car. No branch wanted them and they were always constantly one-wayed to get them out of their fleet. Enterprise probably still has a few kicking around somewhere, I saw an Avis one on Sunday. The last one my branch had was in January. I have some respect for them due to their duty as cop cars and my town is starting to phase them out for Caprices and I will miss them since they’re easy to ID at night. That said, they’re a total crap box to drive. Terrible seats, unadjustable lumbar that jabs your back, awful interior, and terrible handling. I find it funny “enthusiasts” love these things simply because they’re BOF but waste no time calling the Camry a “beige mobile” or “boring”. A Camry is a Supra compared to these.