I sometimes get sentimental for the Good Old Days, a bygone era when gas was cheap (and the good stuff was called Ethyl), back seats were the ticket to romance, and tailfins were a mark of distinction, rather than bad taste. Back in the day, the coolest metal was Detroit born-and-bred, bearing real nameplates that paid homage to fast animals and faraway places and auto races, not to alphanumeric jumbles inspired by IRS tax forms. It was during one of these recent waves of nostalgia that I found myself looking forward to spending some quality time flogging one of America’s last remaining full-size touring sedans, the Grand Prix. That is, until I drove one.

Just two years after its well-hyped launch, the sun is setting fast over the Solstice. The New York Times is casting a gloomy eye toward the momentarily once-hot Pontiac roadster, reporting that the days of waiting lists and above-MSRP markups are over. As of July, year-to-date sales are down 19% compared to 2006; inventory levels sit at the five-month mark. Even worse, the Solstice is creating no lift for the Pontiac brand, which has seen its sales nose-dive 17%, almost twice as fast as GM’s as a whole. While we appreciate the homage to our very own Death Watch column, the NYT indulges in a bit of creative math in the same article when it touts the badge-engineered Saturn Sky as a fantastic success story– even though its sales volumes are one-third below those of both the Solstice and the car that inspired it, the Mazda Miata. Still, it’s sad to see that GM’s brands are so dead that they now qualify for obituaries in the nation’s newspaper of record.

Ontario authorities are pulling out all the stops to put the brakes on speeding. The National Post reports that the province will begin citing drivers who exceed speed limits by 50 km/h (31 mph) with “street racing” tickets– even if they aren’t racing. Offenders will also be fined a whopping C$2k to $10k, face an on-the-spot license suspension, and risk having their vehicles impounded for one week. The Globe and Mail also announced Ontario’s reintroducing aircraft patrols after a 26-year absence. Earlier this summer, the Toronto Star revealed new requirements for commercial vehicles: 105 km/h (65 mph) speed governors. While many U.S. states have been raising speed limits, Canadian legislators have remained firmly in the slow lane. Ontario limits speeds to 100 km/h (62 mph); no province has a limit that exceeds 110 km/h (68 mph). Whether these anti-speed policies save lives remains, at best, unclear. Since 2000, the U.S. fatality rate per vehicle mile has fallen roughly 2.5 times faster than Canada’s, with American roads now enjoying a slightly lower overall death rate than their neighbors to the north. 

According to the Washington Post, Beijing officials want to clear their city's infamous smog by using number plate-based driving restrictions. Currently, the city's atmos is so bad that International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge has threatened to postpone long-distance races if the athletes can't get sufficient 02. Although Chinese officials reckon they can pull a third of the city's three million vehicles off the road, they may face The Law of Unintended Consequences. Since 1989, Mexico City has banned cars one day per week based upon their license plate digits. In her book "Air Quality in the Mexico Megacity," author Luisa Molina quotes researchers who say some 22 percent of Mexican drivers responded to “Hoy No Circula” (HNC) regs by buying a second car– increasing overall vehicular journeys and, thus, air pollution. Of course, officials in charge of HNC– which now focuses on a car's age– say ending the plan would put 600k more vehicles on the road each day. The Chinese test begins on Friday.

The UK is about to deny 17-year-old drivers a full driving license until they're 18. Restrictions during the new, probationary period would include motorway (highway) restrictions and a zero blood alcohol level. Research by the Department for Transport claims the changes could save up to 1000 lives each year. The Times says the move would also bring Briton into line with the majority of other European Union member nations. Americans might take a cue from their English cousins. Most U.S. states issue licenses to 16-year olds; South Dakota allows 14-year-olds behind the wheel. American teens currently account for their unfair share of automotive death and destruction. During 2005, drivers aged 20 and below were roughly 250 percent more likely to get in an accident than the national average. Their chance of a fatal wreck was twice the norm. In fact, car accidents are now the leading cause of death for American teens.

Just two days following the formal takeover of Chrysler by new owners Cerberus Capital Management, the Three Headed Dog is already rolling heads, despite its earlier promises to keep the management team intact. The Detroit News reports that Chrysler Group CEO Tom LaSorda is on his way down with a demotion to president, while chief operating officer and long-time Chrysler veteran Eric Ridenour is heading for the door. Taking the CEO slot is none other than former Home Depot chairman Robert Nardelli, an autocrat best known for improving the hardware retailer's efficiencies while damaging employee morale before bailing out at the beginning of this year with a controversial $210 million golden parachute.  Time will tell whether Nardelli, who also turned around GE's once-ailing Power Systems turbine manufacturing business under Jack Welch, will make a successful transition from moving pallets of mallets to minivans "engineered beautifully."  Stay tuned.

The Boston Globe says Chrysler’s 2008 minivans are set to arrive at dealer showrooms with more features– extra air bags, electronic stability control, seats that swivel six ways to Sunday– and sticker prices averaging $2k below ‘07 models. The official party line: the price reductions will improve residuals and lower incentives (current average: $4,400 per vehicle). Yes BUT—Chrysler’s current family taxis are already sold at bargain prices. Base vs. base, the Caravan’s less expensive than a Toyota Sienna (-$4,400), Honda Odyssey (-$5,900) and Hyundai Entourage (-$4100). How can everyone else sell their minivans for thousands more than the company that invented it? The answer has very little to do with the price, indicating that Chrysler's financial salvation does not lie in offering bigger discounts– or more spin.

The Big 2.5 have always struggled with vehicles of the four-cylinder persuasion. A series of broken nameplates dating back to Omni, Vega, and Pinto highlights Detroit’s longstanding fear and loathing of Thinking Small. Now the 0.5 is attempting to renew its ardor with the Caliber, branding it a “world car” and exporting it to Europe. Unfortunately, the Caliber shows that bad Detroit habits are hard to break, firing blanks in this latest battle of the econobox wars.

During the salad days of my college career, I had the dubious pleasure of working as a car jockey for one of the major rental car companies. My minimum wage foray into the automotive industry offered few perks– aside from its modest contributions to my then-favorite charity (the Collegiate Beer Fund) and the opportunity to study physics and engineering (handbrake turns, and engines on the wrong side of redline). Little did I know that this humble McJob would also give me unique insight into the Big 2.5's ailments.