I recently visited the great state of Texas (State motto: “Don’t shoot!”), where I made several highly important observations that I will now share with you. They are:

1. Everyone loves pickups. This matter is not up for dispute. If you walk into a dealership, you will walk out with a brand-new pickup, even if you’re just the FedEx guy dropping off a package.

2. Everyone loves Texas. Nearly all of those pickups are the “Longhorn Package” or the “Lone Star Model” or the “Build A Huge Border Fence Edition.” Also, more than one resident told me a story about how some giant, low-priced national chain restaurant tried to move into a local strip mall, only to be put out of business by a mediocre, Texas-owned fish place.

3. It has not rained in Texas since the Bush administration. Governor Rick Perry responded to this in 2011 by asking Texans to pray for rain over a designated three-day rain-praying period. Interestingly, the governor of my home state, Georgia, attempted a similar thing in 2007, and it only just stopped raining this morning.

But my most interesting Texas-related observation relates to license plates. This won’t surprise regular readers, as I go on license plate-related rants with surprising frequency. There was, for example, that time I made fun of Montana for having a “Quilt Lover” license plate, which resulted in a ricin-laced quilt appearing on my doorstep.

(Read More…)

Hello, TTAC – I’m back! And as usual, I already know what you’re thinking. It’s either: Wait… you left? or probably the much more likely: Who the hell are you?

And the answer is: Of course I left! I haven’t posted here since mid-June, when I ranted about how MyFord Touch doesn’t need buttons if Tesla’s center-mounted Jumbotron also doesn’t need buttons. I know at least a few of you have missed me since then, as I’ve gotten occasional e-mails asking if Elon Musk ordered my assassination.

(Read More…)

I’m slow to embrace technology. When people say this in modern times, it usually means that they only have 274 iPhone apps and they’re still stuck using the iPad 3. But when I say it, I mean that, sitting on my desk as I write this, is an actual bill, being paid with an actual check, in an actual envelope with an actual stamp.

(Read More…)

Recently, and with great interest, I read Thomas’s article on electronic license plates. For those of you who haven’t read it, and are therefore hopelessly behind the times, a quick summary: (Read More…)

I recently got behind a Toyota Sienna in traffic. This is a fairly common occurrence that usually involves a) changing lanes, and b) speeding up to see whether the children inside are watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

Of course, the children inside are always watching SpongeBob SquarePants, except in this case, where the Sienna didn’t have its rear DVD player on. This is probably because it was an Enterprise rental, likely the result of a cheerful woman behind the counter announcing: “Good news, Mr. Smith! We don’t have any compacts, but I’m going to upgrade you for free!”

(Read More…)

Today, I’m going to talk about SUVs. This will annoy some of you out there in readerland because I’ve talked about SUVs a lot lately. First, I posted a story about hybrid SUVs, which was largely ignored by the automotive community but caused me to chuckle several times as I wrote it. Then, I posted a story about the BMW X5, which was also largely ignored by the automotive community, with the exception of BMW X5 owners, who passionately defended their SUV’s honor in the face of lease jokes.

But listen up, because today’s topic is far more interesting than either of those. It’s about D-pillars.

(Read More…)

Well, folks, the day has come. You’ve shined your shoes. You’ve worn your good suit. You’ve called your wife and excitedly announced: “Honey, I’ll be late tonight!” You’ve refreshed TTAC for days, weeks, months, only to discover that now, finally, they’re here: photos of the all-new BMW X5.

Of course, I’m kidding. You probably saw those X5 photos yesterday on Jalopnik and scrolled right past them, thinking: Do they have any Russian dash cam videos today?

But photos of an all-new X5 are a big deal. That’s because our nation’s streets will soon be flooded with them, each driven by someone who believes that no drive is complete without a little texting. And so, on the occasion of this grand unveiling, I’ve decided to take you through some of the BMW X5’s hallowed history.

(Read More…)

Today, dear readers, I come to you with some bad news: Chevrolet is cancelling the Tahoe Hybrid. This is a major event. So major, in fact, that – upon reading it – you probably took a deep breath, sat back in your chair, gazed at the computer screen, and thought to yourself: They still make the Tahoe Hybrid?

(Read More…)

I must start today’s article with an announcement: this is a big day. That’s because today is, in fact, my birthday. To celebrate, I will take a rare day off from writing a story of great importance to everyone, like the one about that woman crashing her Highlander into a house. (Read More…)

I recently wrote an article entitled “Lincoln Can and Will Come Back,” in which I insisted that Lincoln would, someday soon, rise from the ashes and return to its rightful place as a top luxury brand for people who can’t afford an Infiniti. Many of you thought I was crazy, largely because Lincoln’s lineup consists of five re-skinned Fords, all of which share the same name.

But as a patriotic American, I am certain that Lincoln will come back. In fact, I believe its resurgence has already begun, as I will illustrate with a comparison between the Town Car and the MKT. I know what you’re thinking: Why are you comparing the Town Car with a … wait, what the hell is an MKT? Is that a sedan? The answer is: because that’s what Lincoln is doing. You see, Lincoln is telling current Town Car drivers – in other words, airport limo services and Jack Baruth – that the MKT is the Town Car’s rightful replacement. Also, the MKT is not a sedan, but rather a medium-sized hearse that Lincoln calls a crossover.

So let’s see how it stacks up in a comparison.

(Read More…)

The city of Atlanta (Motto: “Home of the airport where you changed planes last Christmas”) has installed a roundabout at a rather busy intersection near my house. This is highly entertaining if you’re watching from a safe distance, such as a nearby restaurant patio, or possibly South Carolina. But actually driving in this roundabout is the closest most Atlantans come every day to serious injury, or at least a rather large fender dent.

We all know it’s true: Americans aren’t fond of roundabouts. In fact, a new survey says 93 percent of Americans would rather stub their toe on furniture in the middle of the night when trying to locate the bathroom than drive through a roundabout. Admittedly, the facts of this survey are highly disputed, primarily because I just made it up. But there’s no arguing that we’d rather have a traditional intersection, which is more dangerous, but less confusing. For those of you thinking that roundabouts aren’t that confusing, just remember: this is the country that bought a million PT Cruisers.

Fortunately, I’ve prepared a few tips on how to successfully negotiate a roundabout. I recommend printing this out and storing it in your car. That way, when a roundabout approaches, you can take your eyes off the road and frantically search for it as you drive through, thereby becoming the best driver in the roundabout. (Read More…)

I recently made a troubling discovery. Samsung, noted manufacturer of telephones the size of a license plate, is now producing a refrigerator with Twitter. Let me repeat that for those of you who merely skim my articles (Hi, mom!). Samsung manufacturers a refrigerator with Twitter.

(Read More…)

Naming a car is tricky business. We know this because after years of challenging design work, engineering efforts, focus groups, and meetings that probably involved colorful PowerPoint presentations, Subaru named its first midsize SUV “B9 Tribeca.” Speaking of which: designing a car is tricky business.

(Read More…)

I rarely ride in taxis. This is by design, since taxis are, in fact, the single scariest vehicles in North America. I’m not talking about taxi drivers, who I find to be really good people – an opinion that’s largely based on the fact that I think I’d be called racist if I said anything bad about them. So instead I’m talking solely about the taxis themselves, which are very scary.

(Read More…)

A few weeks ago, I posted an article entitled “Cars That Look Good But Aren’t.” I thought this was a particularly brilliant piece of writing, primarily because virtually every word was spelled correctly. After finishing it, I patted myself on the back and said “Good job, Doug.” Then I got in my Nissan Cube and shielded my face from passersby.

But it wasn’t long before the hate mail started coming in.

The first hate mail came from my mother, as per usual, who wrote: “Does this mean you still don’t have a real job? Also, why are you making fun of the Infiniti G20?” Mom wasn’t alone in her criticism. Minutes later, responses started pouring in from the Best and Brightest, who – once known for their love of the Panther platform – have apparently felt the effects of rising gas prices and decided to instead stand behind the similarly outdated Infiniti G20.

(Read More…)