“Insane like a fox,” you’re thinking. And yes, the Fiat CEO is set to receive “good Chrysler” with a taxpayer-funded bow on top. He also has his eyes on Opel, which the German government is desperate to find a good home for. But lightning still hasn’t actually struck once yet, and may we remind you once again that Fiat is in not-great shape financially. And yet Marchionne, mad with power, turns his eyes towards China. And South America. And Russia. In fact, according to the industry analysts Bloomberg talks to, Fiat is like communism in the 50s: everywhere, especially right behind you. You see, Marchionne “craves” 5 million annual global sales even though Fiat sold only 2.15 million cars last year. Reportedly the Chrysler deal will bring the Fiat empire to 4m sales (lets wait for those chickens to hatch, shall we?) and adding any one of GM’s global divisions (Opel, Latin America, Asia/Pacific) would take it over the 5 million mark. For Marchionne the only challenge is figuring out which ones he can pick up for free.

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After crying that bankrupt automakers can’t sell cars (as in, “there but for the grace of the taxpayers go we”), Chrysler is requesting $753 million to do what it said was impossible. And who minds profit-draining record incentives when taxpayers are picking up the tab? Automotive News [sub] breaks down Chrysler’s request for $4.6 billion of DIP financing, and reveals that incentives are no longer just about moving metal.

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We’ve already heard the President call out the “hedge fund holdouts,” and we’ve heard reports of “death threats,” but rumors that the PTFOA’s Steve Rattner threatened to “destroy the reputations” of holdout bondholders is the juiciest rumor we’ve heard over the last several wild-ass days. On Friday, bondholder lawyer Tom Lauria told Detroit talk show host Frank Beckman that the White House was taking off the gloves.

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Car and Driver recently got a test drive in a Cruze-bodied Chevy Volt mule, and wrote up the experience with the fawning credulousness of a buff book that desperately wants to be first in line for an equally subservient “exclusive first road test.” If such an event ever comes to pass, of course. But even amidst the regurgitated GM talking points, C&D manages to (gasp) raise a troubling question: if this vehicle is going to be road-ready in just over a year, why is The General limiting test drives to electric mode?

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With up to 1,200 dealers and 16 factories set to be uninvited from “the reinvented GM,” union locals and dealerships with their livelihoods on the line are preparing to fight the future. With the UAW leadership on board for an equity position in the new GM, locals are scrambling to show their willingness to give up once-cherished perks to keep their plants open. Bloomberg reports that workers at GM’s Spring Hill plant have ratified a local agreement that “allows GM to schedule its hourly workers for weekend shifts without paying special premiums, ends the policy of paying overtime based on a daily shift instead of a 40-hour workweek and loosens the work rules so that workers may be used for a broader variety of tasks.” Sadly, since Spring Hill’s Chevy Traverse production is likely to be moved to Lansing Delta to take over Saturn Outlook production capacity, this sudden rash of reality probably won’t save the plant.

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But it probably should look something like this. Prices are in Australian dollars. For the moment.

We got a few “so what’s” a couple of wild-ass days ago when we whispered that Chrysler would be launching a new ad campaign using government funds earmarked for struggling parts suppliers. But setting aside the supplier screwing (yes, advertisers “supply” Chrysler, and with no production, why worry about components?), this means we will be treated to the launch of yet another New Chrysler. This will mark the second such dawning in just about a year. AdAge (via Automotive News [sub]) confirms the rumor, reporting that the responsible ad firm (BBDO, Detroit) also just happens to be Chrysler’s second-largest unsecured creditor ($58.1 million). And Judge Gonzalez still gets to decide whether the Mad Men will be paid out by the government’s “critical vendor” program. Anyway, the new campaign is being termed “educational,” with Chryco spokesfolks explaining “companies in this kind of situation need to communicate more rather than less.” Because sometimes having the President for a pitchman just isn’t enough.

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TTAC commenter Bluecon points us to Bloomberg, who reveal the identities of some of the 100-odd Chrysler bondholders recently described by President Obama as “hedge fund holdouts.” Yale University, Oaktree Capital Management and assets managed for the University of Kentucky, Halliburton, Kraft Foods Master Retirement and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation top the name-recognition list. According to that report, the government plans to ask Judge Gonzalez to let it pay the creditors in that group $2 billion, or 29 cents on the dollar, to end their claims. That’s an interesting strategy, considering the “not-yet-TARPed” bondholders already turned down an offer at 33 cents on the dollar. Let’s see how forcefully the government “asks” Judge Gonzalez to allow the cramdown. Or whether rumblings of a better deal materialize. (Image from Computational Legal Studies‘ amazing interactive map of TARP recipient campaign donations and the US Senate)

With TARP money, of course. Or so says our man on the inside of Chrysler’s bankruptcy proceedings. And apparently the holdouts will get even more than the already TARPed bondholders. Which means that although Obama may not “stand with” the “hedge fund holdouts,” apparently he’s OK with writing them a check for their trouble(d assets). Or maybe someone in the Treasury just made the connection: the only people who aren’t playing ball in this ends-justify-the-means “bankruptcy” call themselves “The Non-TARP Bondholders.” TARP money has made everyone else compliant with Treasury’s union, so obviously the solution is to buy out the holdouts with just a little more TARP. After all, does anyone think Fiat, the UAW or the already-TARPed bondholders would be embarking on this ship of fools if government cash weren’t paying the way?

Now available, courtesy of your $12 billion investment! And since you’re a (minority) shareholder now, why not check out Chrysler’s release yourself? They’ve got some beautiful style. Leading off with bullet points on Wrangler (+7 percent), Challenger (+11 percent over last month) and T&C (+6 percent retail over last month, actually -31 percent year-on-year) and, using different sales metrics for each, it really paints a rosy picture of our new investment. Thanks a lot, Chrysler! I’m sorry your sales were down 48 percent compared to April 2008. But those vario-stat bullet points wouldn’t cheer up a Tickle-Me Elmo. No wonder Tom LaSorda just “retired.”

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Bloomberg reports that if Chrysler fails to secure a deal with Fiat and rapidly exit Chapter 11, some 38,500 jobs could be lost in a liquidation. According to one of Chrysler’s lawyers, anyway. But an Automotive News [sub] story says that, in addition to Chrysler’s plant idling during bankruptcy, no fewer than eight of its factories will be permanently closed by December 2010. The best part? According to Chrysler sources, the proposed Fiat deal would allow ChryCo “to retain substantially all our employees.” Huh? “Any employee displaced by the bankruptcy will be given an opportunity at other Chrysler facilities,” explains spokeswoman Dianna Gutierrez. Not only did Chrysler deny that shutting eight plants would cause the negative impacts (job loss) that government billions were supposed to prevent, it went as far to suggest that the Fiat alliance would add about 5,000 employees to the payroll. In fact, if you believe the Pentastar line, there are only two victims in in the Chrysler plan: Sebring and Avenger.

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Say what? Hyundai/Kia had been hanging close to its 2008 sales numbers so far this year but even the Korean up-and-comers saw their sales drop by over ten points in April. Accent and Sonata were up marginally, but Elantra sales fell by nearly 50 percent. Genesis posted 2,076 sales in a month where luxury offerings fared poorly. Azera/Entourage were dead on their feet, selling fewer than 500 units between the two nameplates. Veracruz added about 200 sales compared to April 2008. On the Kia front, every nameplate lost sales compared to last April with the exceptions of the Amanti (up to a whopping 671 units), the new Borrego (498 units) and the Soul which sold well for one of its first full sales months at 3,228.

Honda moved 101,029 units last month as sales declined 25.3 percent compared to April 2008. Truck sales led declines, dropping 36.3 percent while car sales fell only 18.2 percent. Insight sales fell well short of Prius at 2,019 units, although Accord (-15.6 percent), Civic (-23.2 percent) and Fit (-30.3 percent) fared better by percentage than their Toyota competitors. Acura saw a 32.3 percent fall in sales, with the TSX (-6.6 percent) helping and the RL (-64 percent) and RDX (-55.7) hurting. Element and Ridgeline contributed the most to truck sales declines, logging 65.6 and 71.5 percent declines, respectively.

GM was able to move 173,007 units last month (press release here, sales chart in PDF format), up 11 percent from March but down 34 percent from last April. Cars fared worst in GM Land, falling 40 percent across all brands, while truck totals were down only 27 percent. Buick outsold Cadillac 8,928 to 8,337, but the defunctified Pontiac outsold both at 10,838. Watch for those numbers to tank next month, though, since the death was announced late enough in April to not affect prices overly. GM’s worst-performing cars were Buick LaCrosse (-62 percent), Caddy STS (-62.6 percent on 711 units sold), Aveo (-63 percent), G5 (-78 percent, 400 units), Cobalt (down by over 8,000 units), Solstice/Sky (barely cracking 500 sales between the two nameplates) and Aura (-66.6 percent). GM’s car high points were the Buick Lucerne (-20.8), Malibu (-14 percent, 14,665 units), Pontiac G8 (-5 percent, 2,013 units) and Astra, down only 9.6 percent (compared to consistently weak sales last year). Chevy’s HHR was up 7.5 percent (don’t ask why it’s categorized as a truck), Tahoe held even at just over 8,000 units and Suburban was down only 6.3 percent.