Facebook has spoken, ladies and gentlemen, and it has decided that the automobile formerly known as “Mustang V6 Performance Package” shall be known as the “Mustang Mayhem V6”. Be sure to tell your insurance adjuster. I suppose “Ford ‘Blood In Tha Streetz’ V6” was taken.

As fate would have it, we have a “Mayhem” in the metaphorical TTAC garage right now, and it’s leaving for the twisty “Shenandoah” course at Summit Point where we drove its V8 equivalent last year. I’ve only driven it thirty-four miles so far, but I’m smitten already. This is a fast, if not particularly furious, budget ponycar and when you consider that it costs $25,995, the case only gets stronger.

If only Ford didn’t have a little problem… and, naturally, it involves China.

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Where were we? After Day One of the SCCA National Solo Tour event at Atlanta Motor Speedway, I was in eighth place and destined to do some jort shopping. And yes, dear readers, I have a humiliating jort photo for you, because You Deserve It(tm).

What happened on Day Two? Well, it’s confusing. I got better, considerably so. But the competition got better, too. On Day Two, I finished seventh. In road racing, the results would look like this: one eighth place and one seventh place. (Also, in road racing I would have put somebody into the Armco before taking a crap result like that.) This being autocross, however, it’s only natural that I ended up with ninth place. And 113th. Of course. 113th place.
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When I agreed to drive a Honda S2000 in Atlanta’s SCCA National Tour event, I didn’t realize that, not only would this close a three-year-long gap in my autocross career, that I would be competing at the site of the last autocross I ran, back in 2008. (My review of the F-250 PowerStroke six-speed manual I used to tow a car there and back can be found here, by the way.)

Well, I sucked back then and I sucked today. Until the very last runs of the day, I was actually DFL in a ten-car field, although I feel compelled to note that two of the other nine drivers were 2010 SCCA National Champions and all of them had a few years’ experiencing autocrossing S2000s. With my third and final attempt at the course, I managed to incompetently bounce my way up to eighth place.

Unfortunately, that places me in the Jorts Zone.

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Paragraph “A” of Section 2.2 of the SCCA National Solo Rules clearly states, “Turns should not normally allow speeds in excess of 45 mph in un-prepared cars.” By contrast, it’s not unusual for club racers to enter Mid-Ohio’s Turn One at ninety miles per hour, often lifting an inside rear wheel and/or making vigorous contact with other drivers at the same time. WRC rallyists often see corner speeds in the 70-80mph zone, although those speeds are attained on corners which simply wouldn’t fit in an autocross course or within Mid-Ohio’s boundaries. Nor should we forget stock-car racers, who are completely comfortable exceeding 130mph on banked turns. In the world of motorsports, 45mph is slow.

Why, then, do some well-informed people consider SCCA’s National Tour autocrossers to be the best drivers in the world?

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How many Civics could a Honda make, if a Honda could make Civics? Here’s a hint: “half as many” would be too optimistic a guess. Honda has warned its dealers to expect “severe shortages” in supply of the new 2012 model, and virtually every other Honda model will have the same availability issues until later this year. Toyota’s in the same boat.

What does this mean for TTACers who want to buy a Japanese-brand car?

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Did I mention that I got my first traffic ticket in almost five years the other day? It was in New York, and it was for looking down at the Droid phone in my hand at a red light. The cop walked right off the sidewalk to ticket me. That’s the crummy part about the city: it’s tough to duck the cops when they’re sneaking around on foot.

At least he saved me from certain death from holding a phone while operating a motor vehicle (at a stoplight), right? I mean, everybody knows it’s not possible to drive and hold something at the same time. Or is it? Perhaps I’ll send a copy of this video along with my $150…

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We haven’t tried to review movies here at TTAC since Bertel rejected my piece on Ai No Corrida with the single sentence “Go home, delete that file, and then kill yourself,” but that won’t stop me this time. Fast Five is out, and it hits its marks as precisely as Jenson Button does in wet qualifying. It’s not Senna, and that’s a good thing; instead of being mired in the past and catering to old people, Fast Five lives, awesomely, in the youthful present.

Even if it’s supposed to have happened seven years ago.

To make sure that I gave the newest street-racing superfilm a fair shake, I invited a bona-fide star from the original movie to watch it with me. Those of you who are fast and/or furious with the pause buttons on your DVD players may notice a wingless white Toyota Supra prowling around during the “Race Wars” segment of F&F 1. The fellow standing by the car during the Johnny Tran scenes still owns it, and he also owns half of my Plymouth Neon racer, so naturally we had to see if this new movie was granny-shifting its plotlines or double-clutching the excitement like it should. Spoilers, as they say, are below.
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The rumors were all correct: Porsche is selling a GT3 RS 4.0. The weight: 2,998 lbs. The juice: 500 horsepower from a four-liter version of the venerable old GT1 engine.

The price: hold on to your hats.

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Did you miss today’s meetup? Located somewhere else in the country? Are you interested in meeting a sensitive Scorpio? Want a ride around a racetrack? Are you furious about a particular article and want to confront the author directly? If the answer to any of these questions is “Yes”, then take a moment to take a look at my schedule for May and early June.
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As anybody who has ever listened to an automotive “journalist” knows, automotive journalists are some of the toughest people in the business. We urinate vinegar and chew nails. When the brakes in our Boss 302 fail at the rip-roaring speed of 70mph, we don’t even bother to use that pansy-ass E-brake before promptly lunching the transmission in an effort to slow down “through the gears”. We’re that tough.

But what happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object? When Godzilla meets Mecha-Godzilla? When two autojournos meet in mortal press-room combat?

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I got the call yesterday from a friend of mine. His long-serving 1999 Land Cruiser V8, purchased new and driven well past the 150K-mile mark, had a bad alternator. Could I pick him up at the dealer? Sure could.

The fellow I picked up was a lot more annoyed than the relatively calm fellow who had pulled his Cruiser into the Toyota service bay. The prospect of losing an alternator after twelve years didn’t bother him in the slightest. Instead, it was what had happened when the service writer called his name…

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The estimates seemed enthusiastic, but they weren’t enthusiastic enough. Ford had a solid first quarter.

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Just in case Car and Driver’s rather dismal 1M Koop comparo-test victory didn’t make you run down to the nearest Bimmer dealer to spend $48,000 on a small, yet chunky two-door with sliding-caliper brakes, here comes Sport Auto with some impressive news: the 1M is faster than the current V8-powered M3…

…or is it?
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Since my return on Friday from the New York Auto Show, my friends and co-workers have been relentlessly asking me, “What was the big story there?” After I tell them the big story — that I saw Mike Stern play in the Village with some friends and then squired two fabulous ladies around New York until 5:30AM — they ask me to shut up about that and tell them about the car story.

Fair enough. The story this year is fuel economy, just like it was thirty years ago. The difference this time? Fuel economy, like every other crappy thing in this world, from Russian vodka to TAG Heuer watches, has gone upscale.

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Alright, everybody… What’s he doing wrong?
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