Years ago, I found myself killing time in a London wine bar.  An English gentleman and I were busy amusing ourselves with fine wine and, um, English food when a pair of extremely attractive unattached ladies strolled into the bar. Uninhibited by the best Bordeaux, we enticed these French beauties to join us at the bar.  The women eventually escaped our charms to establish base camp at their own table.  I continued to stare longingly at our lost companions– until one of them stretched her arms above her head to reveal unshaven underarms.  The Nissan Versa was like that.  

As a pistonhead of independent means, I’ve been lucky enough to own and sample a vast array of automotive hardware.  If I had a car for every time a friend, associate, colleague or innocent bystander asked me to name my favorite car, I’d see Jay Leno’s aircraft hangar and raise him a Space Shuttle shelter.  Of course, drilling down to one top whip would be like asking Angelina Jolie to name her least favorite husband—in reverse.  Still, in the interests of stimulating debate, here are my four faves.  I make no apologies for the fact that they’re all German; in the grand TTAC style, I call it like I see it and let the lederhosen fall where they may. 

As I’ve aged, I’ve begun to notice that certain carmakers are determined to enrich chiropractors and practitioners of restorative dentistry.  When driving my Nissan 350Z, I found myself avoiding pockmarked roads for fear of ceiling-related spinal compression.  Even on smooth roads, I couldn’t quaff carbonated beverages.  Since then, I’ve created a checklist of cars my increasingly fragile skeletal system cannot abide. This includes the aforementioned Z, the Acura TL, pretty much any Infiniti or Porsche product, the S4 and S6 Audis and the Lexus SC430.  There is a special sub-category— torture– reserved for the vehicles made by BMW equipped with run-flat tires.

Let’s get this out of the way: the Jaguar XK8 is a grill-challenged automobile.  It's as if Ford sent all their leftover Taurus grills to the UK and then leaned on Jaguar engineers to find them a home.  Or maybe the XK8’s grill was intended as a comeuppance; a punishment to the brand’s designers for daring to create a “new” car that borrows so heavily from their up-market British cousin’s two-door. Or maybe the wide mouth bass grill is all about brand differentiation; a stylistic non-flourish designed to ensure that no potential buyer confuses the Jaguar XK8 and the Aston Martin DB9.  Now if someone had grafted the front end of a BMW 650i to the XK, we might have had something…

Walking up to the Aston Martin DB9, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to drive it or sleep with it.   If running your hand over the DB’s sculptured haunches and taut lines doesn’t give you a warm feeling in your nether regions, you should surrender your pistonhead privileges at the door.  Very few inanimate objects attain this level of beauty; those that do either rock your world or break your heart, or, as in this case, both.    

After taking delivery of a Toyota Camry Hybrid (TCH), I toyed with the idea of de-badging it. I quickly realized my inverse snobbery might boomerang in my elitist face; reducing me to total automotive anonymity. Perhaps that's why Toyota's marketing department equipped the TCH with three "Hybrid" badges to the one discreet Camry badge tucked under the lip of the trunk line. And I suppose I should be proud to drive a clean-burning gas – electric automobile; protecting the environment, reducing oil imports and all that PC sort of stuff. Still, I can't stop the nagging feeling that I'm getting away with something…

Chris Bangle will be remembered as the most influential automobile designer of the early 21st century. All of the hip cars of our times have Bangled butts and complicated interfaces. The BMW 650i convertible is arguably the finest expression of Mr. Bangle's "flame surfacing." Viewed from the front, the vehicle resembles a shark. In grey or dark blue colors, the 650i has a distinctly ominous presence. If you did nothing more than stare at the front end of this car, you'd feel it was $80k well spent. Unfortunately, eventually, you will walk around to the back …

The 650i's back end is the Bimmer's most badly Bangled bit. The chopped roofline of the soft-top narrows to a slit for the rear window, with dorsal fins protruding back from the rear edges. I'm not sure quite what visual impact Bangle's boyz intended, but the design sure makes backing-up or checking for cars on your flanks an exercise in trust in your fellow man. If you raise the 650i's trunk, step back and imagine what the vehicle might have looked like with a more conservative tail line, you get the feeling Chris snatched pretension from the jaws of greatness.

Ever have an extremely likeable acquaintance who drives you nuts with their constant need to flaunt their knowledge of arcane or technical matters? That's the new Mercedes S550. In many ways, on many levels, the big Merc is the world's best sedan: a sublime expression of German automotive engineering excellence. And then the luxobarge starts showing off, convinced that it's smarter than you are when it comes to comfort, information, communication and yes, driving. At that point, a fully-equipped S550 could well be world's most annoying automobile.

Again, let's get this straight: the Mercedes S550 is the best riding and handling four-door sedan money can buy. At the front: a four-link air suspension with antilift control, gas shock absorbers, stabilizer and anti-dive system. At the rear: multilink independent air suspension and antisquat system. On the road: the German luxobarge smothers road imperfections with extreme prejudice, out-Jaguaring Jaguar by a wide margin. Even better, hurling Mercedes' 4376-pound behemoth into a corner is like riding a Maglev train; the S550 leans slightly and then glides through all but the tightest turns. The car's dynamics are virtually indefatigable.

In the waning years of the twenty first century, when the world's petroleum reserves finally near exhaustion, hydrogen fuel cells will most likely propel our personal transportation. These cars of the future will be practical, safe, fuel efficient, clean-running and dull. The gas – electric Honda Civic Hybrid (HCH) could well be the prototype for this new breed of automobile; where all the car's harmful social and environmental byproducts have been minimized, and all the fun of driving has been designed out of existence.