Check out the ad for the new Citroen C5 above. I shall translate. "We at Citroen have a sense of humor (you see, we're not REALLY German). We are taking this new car seriously, so we are spending millions on a gorgeous campaign by ad agency EuroRSCG. This is a car for anal-retentives and it won't be unreliable. BMW has won the [carmaking] war, so all we can do is parrot/parody them. We'll do anything to promote the car, including negating what's left of Citroen's brand values (which were: hydropneumatic suspension, quirky styling, value-for-money, French esprit)." Like you, I'm amused and confused. "Vorsprung Durch Gobbledygook" or "Fahrvergnuckgnuck." Those were (kinda) OK, because they said: "We are German, but we no longer invade other countries, we just build good cars". In other words, those compaigns transported a coherent message about branding and national identity. This Citroen ad? Not so much.

While BMW and Porsche look like they're intent on reducing their brand equity, other car makers are busy attacking the field of sporty & sexy. First, FIAT announced it's rejuvenating the Abarth brand. Abarths were small cars that buzzed and bit, and stung like the scorpion in the company's logo. Abarth was fierce in the 1960s, sad in the 1970s and dead by 1980, but enthusiasts still lust for the cachet. And now Alpine. I'll never forget a nail-biting drive a friend gave me in 1982 in his A110, when he out-accelerated and out-maneuvered a Porsche 911E. From 1954 to 1994, Alpines were ass-engined fun cars for pistonheads who wanted an alternative to Porsche, and could live with a degree of rawness, as well as with so-so reliability. And now, according to AM Online, Renault-Nissan (incidentally, upon acquisition of Russia's Avtovaz now the world's third largest carmaker) is working on two Alpine-branded models: an affordable, fun to drive sports car and a top-of-the-line luxury model. "Think Mazda MX-5 or even Smart Roadster and you are on the right lines", said a Renault exec. "Ideally we would like to have an affordable sports car on a rear wheel drive platform that is great fun to drive.” Renault is rumoured to be unveiling a 'desirable' concept car (possibly re-introducing the Alpine name) at the Geneva Motor Show on March 4. We will report from Switzerland, and rejoice should the day cometh.

Indian car maker Tata has announced plans to export its Nano city car to Europe; albeit in a different form, at a different price, in the future, eventually. Quoted in Germany's Focus Online, Tata's Head Head of Small Car Projects auditioned for the Hindi version of "Promises, promises." "We won't export the current model [unleashed in India this autumn]," Girish Wagh admitted. "But in five years time, we will have developed the second-generation Nano which will be good enough for Europe. The Nano will then meet the Euro 5 emission regulations as well as all crash standards." At the same time, Tata's cheerleader promised to improve on the Nano's fuel consumption, from 47 to 78 mpg. Methinks the Indian automakers' plans for the Nano are a tad… ambitious. The current car's Unique Selling Point is price: $2,500. Add in the safety, comfort and convenience features that the average European economy car driver currently enjoys, throw in the eye-watering sales tax that the average European economy car driver forks over to his government, and Tata's Nano will be bumping-up against the VW Up!, Toyota IQ and other highly accomplished machines, sold from a large number of established dealerships. Good luck with that.

Dacia is one of Renault-Nissan's success stories: a new, almost-global brand specializing in not-quite-ultra-low-cost cars. According to most reviews, the Dacia Logan is a decent drive with a hideous interior. At €5,400.00 (net), the Logan is by far the cheapest more-or-less modern car sold in Europe, Russia and many third-world countries. So, despite being one unattractive son of a Munstermobile, it's a hit. Autocar has scooped the new, more eye-friendly Dacia Sadero. Although its shares mechanicals with the Logan, the Sandero's smaller: a Yaris-size supermini. Autocar reckons the Sandero will be larger and more capable than the smallest Euro-Fords and clock in at £6.5k, undecutting FoMoCo's cars by about a thousand quid. Dacia plans to unveil the Sandero at the Geneva show, three weeks hence We'll be there and report. [FYI: the UK V.A.T. rate is 17.5 percent, so the Sandero would net at  £5,363.00. At current exchange rates that would be $10,450.00, but according to Purchasing Power Parity, which filters out short-term  exchange-rate distortions, the Sandero's net-US price could theoretically be around $8,350.00.]

BMW's upper management tends to be more tight-lipped than treasure hunters. As a result, Wall Street sees the automaker's executive culture as closed-minded, overly proud and parochial. The Financial Times Deutschland (FTD) and the Financial Times  report that Bimmer's boss has broken his vow of silence, trying to soothe the markets regarding the automaker's poor share performance. At a conference in London yesterday, Reithofer outlined BMW's plan to increase its return on capital to 26 percent and its return on sales to eight to ten percent by 2012. The propeller people promise to reduce R&D expenditures from 6.1 percent of sales to five percent, save millions on purchasing and cut 8k jobs. No one was buying it. One analyst said, "the market in its current state is not in any mood to buy cheques dated to 2012". Morgan Stanley said in a research note: "The company provided incremental detail on its cost- cutting efforts, but it offered precious little in terms of specific figures or intermediate milestones." And while Reithofer was speaking, BMW's share price slid five percent, on a market-friendly day. Reithofer left the conference after one hour, saying he felt sick, and canceled further appearances in New York and Boston. By day's end, BMW's share price had lost 2.8 percent, equivalent to €609 million.

Do you happen to be an "engineer for hybrid development and transmission controls"? Is your title "Project Engineer High-Voltage Safety and Batteries?" Or, as a matter of fact, do you do anything at all that touches the hybrid field? Then Porsche wants you! In a recent full-page, national newspaper ad, Porsche revealed that it's not ashamed to admit that its hybrid talent pool is a bit, er, thin. But the ad also indicates that (oddly enough), the automaker's taking this gas – electric stuff seriously; no mild hybrids for the sons of Ferdi. According to Automobilwoche [sub], the first model on which the (new) engineers will be able to cut their teeth will be the second-generation Cayenne, starting in 2010. The Panamera sedan will be introduced in 2009, but it won't be hybridized before 2011. Other politically-correct plans include lower weight: The Panamera's four doors will probably be made of magnesium. (Let's not be callous and picture the bright colors in which a Panamera with Li-Ion  batteries and magnesium doors would burn). Even Diesels, God forbid, are on the horizon. According to Porsche's boss Wendelin Weideking, oil burners are being "taken into consideration." Porschefiles, the end is nigh.

According to Autobild (print edition, Jan 25), Alfa Romeo will re-engineer almost all of its models from front wheel to rear wheel-drive (RWD). Since the FIAT conglomerate has practically no usable RWD platforms, Alfa is about to ink a deal with GM to use The General's Sigma platform, currently underpinning the Cadillac CTS, SRX and STS. Alfa plans to use Sigma for its 169 executive sedan, the 159 small sedan, the Alfa Spider convertible, the Brera Coupe and for a new generation of smaller Maseratis. Autobild speculates they might deploy Sigma for the next gen Maserati Quattroporte and the GT. From a GM bean-counter's point of view, the news sounds sensible; why not share the costs? From a branding POV, you might say hey, Cadillac could do worse– at least, they aren't sharing Sigma with Pontiac. However. HOWEVER. GM wants to re-relaunch Cadillac in Europe. And Alfa plans to re-enter the U.S. Why the heck is GM helping a competitor to undermine its own market? And let's not forget that the last time GM got in bed with FIAT, it got burnt for 1.55 billion Euros. Fool me once…

Well, they would, wouldn't they? In what Spiegel Online calls a "remarkable change of trends," ADAC (the German equivalent of the AAA) says their car-breakdown stats (2m call-outs per year) indicate that VW, BMW and Mercedes are no longer guaranteed to fail. For the past 10 years, Japanese brands have led the ADAC reliability index. In 2003, nine out of ten of the most reliable cars in Germany were Japanese. But in the 2008 rankings, no Toyota made the top ten of least-likely-to-break-down. ADAC attributes the Japanese automaker's fall from grace to their rapid growth. Meanwhile, ADAC says that German carmakers' attention to "quality as reliability" (as opposed to "quality as tight panel  gaps") accounts for their "win." Here's the company's rundown of Germany's most reliable machines…

1 – BMW X3
2 – Audi A2
3 – BMW 1-Series
4 – BMW MINI
5 – Mazda 3
6 – Mercedes CLK
7 – Audi A4
8 – BMW 3-Series
9 – Mercedes SLK
10 – Mitsubishi Space Star

Before emailing a rave review of the new Ford Mondeo, I wanted to understand why an automaker with such great products in the Eurozone has such a mediocre reputation. Posing as a potential purchaser, I phoned to make an appointment for a test drive. Employee of Dealership A: "We have one Mondeo you could try out, but we are booked for the next ten days, I think." Sales guy at Dealership B: "Sorry, I just started here six months ago, the guy in charge is on sick leave.” His stand-in? On vacation. “Please call again in a week or so.” See? It’s NOT all about the product. But I digress…

Driver fatigue causes an estimated 24 to 33 percent of European automotive accidents. Automobilwoche reports that Daimler's Mercedes is developing an electronic Nanny that monitors driver fatigue and then tries to wake up the pilot before he crashes. It's hardly a new concept; Citroen already offers a weird (but effective) system that shakes your buttocks when you switch lanes without indicating (no, we are not  joking). In the great tradition of German over-engineering, Mercedes system monitors steering input– those "typical, hardly noticeable movements that tired  drivers make on a constant basis"– then compares this data to daytime and drive distance information, considering external factors such as side wind and road undulations. If the computer thinks the driver's suffering from fatigue, it sounds an alarm. (Automatic crash avoidance is inevitable.) The anti-fatigue system is set for a 2009 debut; we suggest that the PR folk deactivate it during the press launch.

Automobilwoche reports that November was an automotive watershed. For the first time in history, European car sales eclipsed American. From January to November of this year, the European Union (EU), Switzerland, Norway and Iceland racked-up 14,827,000 cars. That compares to 14,763,000 new vehicles (cars and light trucks) sold in the U.S. during the same time period. Automotive analyst Peter Schmidt of AID (Auto Industry Data) thinks it's more than a quirk. "Our forecast says that in the coming years, Europe will be ahead. We see 15.6m light vehicles being sold in the U.S. in 2008, as opposed to around 16.1 million in Europe… The established markets are satiated." The strong-growth regions of eastern Europe are the EU's car sales engine. Russia will account for some 2.3 million new cars per annum. "All this explains why German car makers are so healthy. There is no growth at home, but plenty to be exploited in other countries," says Schmidt. No surprise, then, that German carmakers have built up a spectacular war chest. Spiegel Online reports that BMW, Mercedes, VW and BMW have some €34b (about $49b) in their collective piggy banks. In 2007 and 2008, they may welcome an additional €26.5b. Unicredit Analyst Georg Stürzer thinks this means that German car makers will pay out generous dividends, invest in green technology AND finance large acquisitions. Uh-oh.

Throughout the 1990s, the UK's CAR Magazine was known for its breathtaking photography, incisive analysis, pithy prose and independent spirit. Readers devoured the elegant and technically proficient ramblings of LJK Setright, John Simister's lucid descriptions of how cars can handle, the witticisms and lateral thinking of Russel  Bulgin, and the roly-poly eccentricity of James May. Sadly, Setright and Bulgin died, Simister left for The Independent and May joined forces with that fat egomaniac at TopGear. CAR became  just another boring, soft on cars (and the causes of cars) buff book that missed the Internet train. And so CAR's owner, EMAP Publications is selling the mag to Germany's Heinrich Bauer Verlag. Bauer publishes Bella ("Exclusive survey: Germany's favorite Christmas meal is potato salad and sausages!"), Das Neue Blatt ("A best-ager entertainment magazine for the 40-59 age group"), Romanwoche ("Romance tales for the mature lady") and Auto Zeitung ("The modern general-interest auto magazine"). There are also porn titles, but we won't go there. We wish Car a quick recovery. 

Last week, Petra L. won the German national lottery. Her jackpot: €15.28m ($22,461,600). Needless to say, the Divinely Chosen Ms. L ran right out and bought herself a new car. Ferrari? Bentley? Mercedes? "I really just wanted a new one," she told Spiegel. "With airbags!" And so she purchased a $10k Polish-made Fiat Panda. In the Fatherland (i.e. not all markets), the Panda comes with four airbags as standard, with two more as an optional extra (go on; you know you want to). Is this proof that the Lottery is, as many have suggested, a tax on stupidity? Psychologists have observed that lottery winners who don't change their lifestyle have the best chance of "coping" with the "stress" of a big win. Which is exactly what  Petra L. is doing: "I will still be looking for special deals at the  shop, and won't be going on any big trips. I worked by the sweat of  my brow all life and turned every penny, and won't change now." What about… now? Anyone remember the old joke about the guy who wins the  jackpot, loses all his money, and later explains: "I spent some of it on women, booze and cars. The rest I wasted".

Each year, automobiles kill more people than malnutrition, war and stomach cancer. That’s not including drivers and passengers. Obviously, the automobile – pedestrian toll is greatest in developing nations, where road safety is a strictly Darwinian affair. But the industrial world’s pedestrian “ksi” (killed or seriously injured) statistics are also pretty grim. Legislators in Europe, Japan and Korea have decided to take action. They’ve all developed legislative initiatives to force car makers to introduce new technology for reducing pedestrian deaths and injuries. America has no plans to get with the program. Should it?

Last September, German public TV aired a documentary about the Quandt family, the secretive clan that owns 46.6 percent of BMW. The film revealed that Günther Quandt had used slave laborers during WWII and convinced Nazi contacts to send a Belgian competitor to a concentration camp (after he refused to sell his company to Quandt). Responding to the first screening, the Quandt family said they were "profoundly touched" by the movie and  promised to employ a historian to examine the family's history during the Third Reich. Spiegel reports that a re-screening last Thursday contains new material. Quandt biographer Rüdiger Jungbluth noted that no family member has ever apologized to the few remaining victims of Quandt's wartime labor camps. Carl-Adolf Soerensen, a former Danish resistance fighter, watched most of his 40 comrades perish at a Quandt factory. Soerensen said it would be easier to die in peace if the Quandts offered some words of regret. "The one time we tried to contact the heirs of Quandt, they were extremely arrogant. And since them, we  have heard nothing but silence. They have not even acknowledged that  their companies employed slave laborers… I don't need a historian to tell me what happened. Neither do the Quandts. I can meet them and show them what happened in their factory."