Ye Olde Wiktionary defines "gee-up" as an English/Australian expression meaning "to excite in order to try to achieve a desired result." Ken Elias has never knowingly geed-up anyone about anything. But it's still true that his Ford Death Watch identified one of FoMoCo CEO Alan Mulally's most important jobs: getting the [remaining] executives lathered-up about the company's forthcoming products and, thus, the automaker's chances of survival. Yahoo! Finance reports that The Blue Oval Boyz have arranged seat time for the suits. "Last week, Ford started pulling around 4,000 workers from their desks at sites near the Dearborn headquarters and onto a test track for a few hours of driving and learning about how Ford hopes to set its vehicles apart from other automakers." So, how did they like the European Fiesta and Focus? Uh, well… "Most of the vehicles the workers were able to drive were 2009 or 2010 models of cars and trucks currently on the market, a vehicle lineup that for the most part hasn't sold well this year." A turbo-MKS was as good as it got. 

I know I [once again] risk the wrath of those who view me as GM's bête noir (I prefer to think of myself as an enfant terrible, but I'm way too old for that action). Even so, the news [via Reuters] that The General is upping the warranty on its Certified Pre-Owned (CPO) vehicles– from 3 months/3k miles miles to 12 months/12k miles– should be seen in context. It comes on the same day that GM announced it's pulling back on Buick, Pontiac and GMC leasing. Pulling back as in no longer offering leasing on any of the brands' models save the Pontiac G6 (go figure, fleet fans). With more brands to follow (suffer the little Cadillacs). Folks, it's all about the residuals– and I don't mean the customer's residual values. I'm talking about the multi-billion dollar hammering GM's taking on lease returns. And so is GM spokesman John McDonald, to The Detroit Free Press. "Leases, for a long time, have been supported at below-market rates. We're not able to financially support leases at below-market rates when the residuals have eroded as much as they have." So the CPO deal and the leasing no deal are designed to put a tourniquet on GM's self-inflicted wounds of lousy products, weak brands, the wrong products, chronic over-production, fleet sales and, I think that's it. Who can remember any more?

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And here it is: the love child of a BMW Z3 and a Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe. The fact that this Gorgon-on-wheels is trust fund-busting expensive is just icing on the pie-in-the-poseur's-face (a la Three Stooges). As for Autoblog's irony-free report on this monstrosity, someone needs to take Noah Joseph out and get him, well, you know. Drunk. High. Laid. Something. "The Pininfarina Hyperion was unveiled just this past weekend at Pebble Beach, and our man Drew was on hand to bring you the best shots of the one-off coachbuilt special from the show stand as it was unveiled and from the fairway where it was displayed in all its glory." I know, I know: Jay Leno's Tank Car– which he actually drove to Pebble Beach. But c'mon, there's nothing more ridiculous than looking ridiculous when you're trying SO hard to look suave. 

"(Americans see it as) their God-given right to buy the largest vehicle they possibly can, own as many vehicles as they can, trade them for new vehicles as often as they can, drive them as much as they want and wherever they want." The idea that the average American is a stupid, selfish, size-obsessed planet-killer is an intellectual conceit, created and perpetuated by intellectually-conceited members of the European chattering class. In truth, Americans are no or more less politically, socially or environmentally aware than their European equivalents. But analyst Dennis DesRosiers isn't entirely off-base when he says there's only one "real" reason Americans aren't continuing their fuelish ways: they're broke. "If gas prices come back down to earth… Americans are going to go back to larger vehicles and watch out, there may just be a shortage of capacity." IF gas prices stay level for five years AND people can get out of their loans, maybe. Meanwhile, not. And a shortage of capacity? Only if you define "too much" as "not enough." But is there anything really fundamentally wrong with wanting a large, comfortable vehicle? See? We're already engaged in that debate. All of us. 

I mean, Holy Jesus, look at the thing! This could be the one example of a concept car whose drama shouldn't make it to production. Automobile Mag has Brenda Priddy's spy shots of the camo prototype, whose see-through bra reveals that the model's most hideous aspect– the cetacean snout– will be offending eyeballs everywhere. Well, not everywhere; the three-row Flex-based luxury CUV is bound to be a sales disaster. Once again, the "Reach Higher" brand has reached deeper into Ford's parts bin to devise a low-cost (for them) alternative to a "real" Lincoln. What is a "real Lincoln" you ask? Whatever it is, it's not an alphanumerically-named vehicle with about as much suave sophistication as Hooters' Bikini Contest 2008– only with a lot less aesthetic appeal. And does this MKT step all over the MKX? Yes. And does Lincoln sell six vehicles? Yes. And did I, a professional automotive journalist, have to visit the Lincoln website to make sure I remembered them all and got the nomenclature correct? Yes. 

this is a real real Very best street race ever....

GM CEO Rick Wagoner and his Motown pals maintain that "nobody could have predicted" the recent surge in gas prices. You know, the price hike that's driven a stake through the heart of their high profit light truck biz. Never mind the fact that TTAC and others were bemoaning The General's re-investment in their GMT900 trucks back in '03. Well, guys, here's an article in The New York Times that says that nationalization of oil resources around the globe could lead to a drop in supply. (Maybe we should drill nearer to home? Nah.) OK, it's kind of funny (ironic) that the Gray Lady's piece paints Big Oil as the good guy. But that's not the point. Now pay attention: this trend could mean oil prices will go up again. Which would raise the price of gas. Now there's many a slip between the well and the ship, but do NOT tell us that you're surprised if pump prices go up again. That is all. 

We're all in favor of debunking the myths surrounding Chevrolet's plug-in electric – gas hybrid Volt. Of course, while TTAC's taking on myths like "The Volt will save GM" and "The Volt will be a reliable gas-free daily driver," The General worries that people believe the electric grid can't sustain electric vehicles. "We know that the charging of the Volt will happen at night," Volt-man Frank Weber assures. "When actually the consumption on the grid is lower. No air conditioning, no lights are on." Uh, OK. Myth 2: nobody knows what kind of battery the Volt will use. Huh? Myth 3: I want my GM EV! It's a conspiracy! Nope. It's a cutting edge deal. We couldn't do it before (even though we did). So now you know.

What be the ACSI, you ask? The American Consumer Satisfaction Index, conducted by the University of Michigan's Ross School of Business. As for methodology, the explanation is well above my pay grade. (I'd just ask "How satisfied are you with your car?" and call it good.) Unhelpfully enough, the automotive sector's results are listed alphabetically. But the bottom line is as above. And the answering spin, reported by The Detroit News, is mucho predictable. "We still say with a high level of confidence that the level of our customer satisfaction is improving for most of our brands, based on independent studies and internal data," GM spokeswoman Janine Fruehan said. "We have a renewed and intensified focus on satisfying our Chrysler, Jeep and Dodge customers that has been under way for about a year," Chrysler spokesman Ed Saenz said. "The new management is committed to satisfying our customers at every level. We are beginning to see, in internal numbers, improvements that indicate we are on the right path." And "This survey runs counter to the results of other recent surveys, in which we've made great progress," Ford spokesman Mark Schirmer said. Never mind, then. I guess. 

I'm not sure we're looking at one of those tip of the iceberg deals, but this story from the AP [via the Chicago Tribune] raises the possibility. "State investigators claim a company spiked unleaded gasoline and 10-percent ethanol-blended fuel with cheaper E85 at stations in Sumner and Fairbank… In mid-June, the Weights and Measures Bureau of the state agriculture department found that Pronto Market stations were receiving shipments of E85 from a Jesup distributor, but had neither an E85 fuel tank nor a pump. An investigator checked out the stations and found the unleaded gas and 10-percent ethanol blend each had between 15 and 18 percent ethanol in field tests, said Ivan Hankins of the weights and measures bureau." Given the current ethanol glut, that's only going to get larger, is this a sign of things to come? Meanwhile, this is not the kind of publicity the corn-juice boosters will like to hear. Oh well. 

I like all these automotive technologies that make it possible for the government to spy on you: black box accident data recorders, OnStar vehicle monitoring (complete with built-in microphone and remote "slow down"), insurance-related transponders, etc. I like the assurances the companies provide that they will never share the information with anyone, ever, unless the government twists their arm. And I like not having any of it in my vehicle (when possible). BMW joins the no-thanks parade with a new feature in its next gen 7-Series. The gizmo's camera reads speed limit signs, compares GPS-stored speed limit data to your current speed, and then flashes the fact that you're speeding on the heads-up display. "The new BMW Speed Limit Display will significantly reduce the risk of drivers exceeding the speed limit by mistake,” BMW Group Australia Marketing General Manager Tom Noble tells WardsAuto. "The technology is an information system only and does not intervene in the control or speed of the vehicle in any way, the auto maker says." Whew!

I'm flabbergasted. Presidential hopeful John McCain (or someone on his staff) pens an opinion piece for The Detroit News and the paper doesn't make ANY mention of the Arizona senator's bespoke opus on their on-line home page OR the Autos section. In fact, I would have missed McCain's rant entirely if not for an article in… The Detroit Free Press. WTF is that all about? Anyway, John is holding fast to his "no federal bail out for losers" position. Per se. "With a transition to alternative-fuel vehicles, we can rejuvenate the auto industry, drive cheaply and cleanly and be more secure. I will bring customers to the showroom with up to $5,000 in tax credits to encourage the purchase of these cleaner cars." Did he say American cars? No? Shit! Chill Motown; McCain's left himself some mighty fine wiggle room. "I will continue to meet with the leaders and workers of the Big 3 automakers. If the industry should need federal assistance, I will consider any reasonable proposal they develop that moves the industry to a more stable and prosperous future." So I guess that means McCain still considers it unreasonable to suggest that a federal bailout is reasonable. Or the other way around. 

CNNMoney reports that Chrysler has filed suit against Johnson Controls for "systematic and deliberate overcharges." The ailing American automaker claims the world's leading battery supplier "provided fictitious weight data under the guise that it could charge Chrysler more for the amount of lead used in its battery products. Chrysler had agreed to pay more to cover increasing lead costs." ChryCo's seeking to claw back $15m from Johnson. Or it could be trying to ensure that none of its suppliers gets too "feisty," in terms of demanding cash-on-the-nail for their goods or services. Or both. Or maybe Chrysler's Cerberusian masters reckon there's gold in them thar lawsuits. The Times of India intimates that Mahindra and Mahindra are looking to pay-off settle with Chrysler re: the Jeepish front grill on the Indian automaker's Scorpio SUV. 

The Wall Street Journal's article on the new Ford Flex starts off as all these things do: a personal anecdote from an enthusiastic buyer, some spin from the marketing folk and… oh dear. Not such a happy picture after all. "The Flex isn't a miser on fuel, getting 17 miles per gallon in the city and 24 mpg on the highway. According to Edmunds.com, the company has already put $1,315 in incentives on the Flex in July, a potentially worrisome development for a new vehicle. It is also unclear how the Flex will play with Ford's mainstream customers in the middle of the U.S. Many comments on car blogs have praised its design, but some have complained it resembles a hearse." And the hits keep happening. "Ford has said it expects to sell as many as 100,000 Flexes a year, but it will need to up the sales pace to achieve that. In June and July, the first two months it was on sale, 3,413 were sold. The Ford Explorer sport-utility vehicle can also seat seven; Ford sold 12,223 of them in June and July." The WSJ repeats Ford's claim that the "slow rollout has been by design" (why hurry?) and ends on the usual up note, relating CA IT maven Rueben Muinos' freshly-minted Flex appeal. "When he drove it home, he was surprised by how many people starred [sic]. "I thought I was talking on my cell phone illegally," he said, realizing only later that all eyes were on his Flex." We have no, well, little reason to believe Muinos was driving naked. 

So, what? You buy an H3T and you get the whole company? I kid. A bit. I mean, I'm not sure how HUMMER GM Martin Walsh makes that analysis. I guess it all depends on how you define the words "valuable" and "us." For sure, the new HUMMER pickup gives all the brand's executives and dealers something to do whilst they wait for the end, my friend. But there's no disguising the fact that the 14/18 mpg $31,495 H3T is about to arrive with a splat. OK, there's some disguising it, 'cause that's what GM PR does for a living these days. Uncharacteristically, Automotive News Jamie Lareau handles The General's whirling dervishes with kid gloves. "General Motors insiders admit high gasoline prices and a decline in U.S. pickup sales make the H3T a tough sell. They hope the H3T will sell well overseas until the market here recovers." And the punchline is… missing. But the humor is there, if you know where to look. "Walsh characterized the [ad] spending as significant but 'proportionate to the volume and the impact it'll have on the market. It's a niche player. It's not something we'd overspend on.'" Martin sets 'em up and Jamie leaves 'em alone. "Despite the tough economy and decline in truck demand, Walsh said a market exists for the pickup. Hummer is targeting males in their 30s who earn $90,000 or more and are into outdoor activities." If I were them, I'd duck.