“You know what? The average person who lives in the South could probably own two new cars for their entire lifetime.”

“Steve! What are ya? Nuts?!”

“No. Think about it Tim. The average person in the future will probably drive about 10k miles a year. Let’s say they get a new car when they’re 22.”

“A new car? Really? Are we talking about a newly minted college grad? Or someone who actually works?”

“Someone who works… look. You can buy the new car in your 20’s. Maintain it well. Wax it once a year or so. Don’t drive too aggressively. Here in Georgia you have smooth roads, no rust…”

“And shiny happy people holding hands! Look Steve. You’re a frugal fellow. Maybe even cheap. Maybe a tightwad. Maybe one of the cheapest bastards I’ve ever met…”

“Well Tim, spare me your usual compliments. My theory still holds. I think the average car of recent times can hit 300k or 30 years if it’s driven conservatively and maintained well…”

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If there ever was a day to wave the white flag, it was today…

A 1999 Lincoln Continental in gold with 75,000 miles went for the jaw dropping price of $4900 after the auction fee.

A 1998 Olds Intrigue in the tannest shade of brown, 135k, cloth seats… $3350.

A 2002 Ford Crown Vic with plenty of chipped paint and 173k, $4000 even.

That was just a couple of samples of irrational exuberance on the domestic front… and keep in mind these were pre-recon prices. Trade-in vehicles without a spiff, a repair or a shine.

These were only the tip of the rough iceberg. The imports which are usually in far higher demand were far, far worse.

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A 1997 Ford Escort is not exactly a rolling testament to the dreams of auto enthusiasts.

But for $300, it beats the ever loving snot out of a Schwinn.

This LX model was a trade-in from one of my customers. Did I rip them off? No. Not at all. One of the cylinders was dead. The interior was as dirty as Hugh Hefner’s mind, and with 221k miles coupled with a 5-speed, it wasn’t about to go on the front line.

But where should I put it?

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A little acceleration. A lot of plastic, and a Lilliputian’s worth of smallness.

The Fiat 500C Cabrio that had been parked on my driveway seemed like a small car’s dream gone by. There were a few chrome accents. A soft top that retracted like an old power curtain contrivance from a 1960’s James Bond movie. Power? The spec sheet showed only 101 horsepower and a mild level of torque. To be brutally blunt, I was ready to be subjected to a Corolla’s worth of acceleration with enough wind buffeting to make the experience not even worth the effort.

Then I turned the key…

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As a 20 year Northern transplant, I have been told that there are 3 types of yankees here in Georgia.

Most of you already know that a yankee is a northern fellow who comes down, stays for a short time, and heads back up North.

A damn yankee is a northern fellow who stays… forever.

A damn good yankee, is a yankee who marries another yankee and they both move back up North.

I happen to be a fourth and fifth type of yankee. The one who marries a southerner and stays… which makes me a damn damn yankee. Along with this is my penchant for frugality, which makes me a damn damn cheap yankee.

I don’t mind being considered any type of damn Yankee. Heck I even grew up rooting for the New York Yankees in a North Jersey neighborhood infested with Met fans. But as for being cheap…

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Like many politicians during their recreational moments, cars can make some unique and funny noises once they experience the stresses of the open road.

Some of them are quite normal such as the ‘vroom’ of the engine. The ‘roar’ of the tire, and the ‘squeaky squeaky’ of a worn suspension over a series of bumps.

But what about the ‘clunk’ of loose steering components? Or the metallic ‘clanging’ of a brake system well past it’s maintenance time?

The majority of drivers simply like to delay the inevitable.

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The fellow had spent nearly three hours on the road. Just to drive a 10 year old Isuzu SUV.

Traffic cones. Construction. Stalls and accidents. By the time he got to my lot he was already emotionally spent, and it was only 10:00 A.M.

Then he saw it.

The front passenger tire was flatter than a Ford Festiva going through the crusher. I was at the bank when he called. Hadn’t even opened the lot yet. Finally when I got there I noticed that an old Lincoln Mark VIII had two tires flat as well.

It wasn’t a coincidence.

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Suckers come in all shapes and sizes.

They can be a young guy with college loans in his mid-20’s who is charged $800+ for a $100 repair. Or an elderly couple on a fixed income who is encouraged to sign on the dotted line with a malevolent seller.

Every single American has probably been a sucker at some point in their lives when it comes to cars. Young, old, smart, not so smart, confident, fearful… and in all cases, struggling with the unfamiliar. Our society is not one that de-fangs the predators or educates the victims. It is a debtful and litigious one that encourages money to be thrown into every which direction but personal accountability.

Or does it? Frugality is supposedly the in thing these days… and cars are now kept longer than ever. As a life long debt hater, I would like to think that there are far fewer suckers than before. Especially when it comes to cars.

But the numbers tell me otherwise.

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I revisited my past recently. A friend of mine who has been in the car business for longer than I’ve been alive called me right out of the blue. It had been well over two recessions since our last talk and yes, there was an awful lot of catching up to do. So the banter lasted about three hours and all we talked about was… how things don’t work in the car business.

The list is longer than a modern day health care bill and the prescription is pain (and debt) incarnate. That is unless you decide to take the easy way out. In which case it’s downright fatal. There are thousands of do’s and don’ts in this business. Today I’ll share the Top Five ways many rookies end up scorching the thin skin under their Hawaiian shirts.

There is an old saying that, “Victory has a hundred fathers. But defeat is an orphan.” JFK has been attributed to having said this quote right after the Bay of Pigs with the word ‘thousand’ replacing ‘hundreds’. But the truth is that those words originated from a far worse time. Count Galeazzo Ciano, the Foreign Minister to Benito Musolini, was the one who may have popularized this saying. Or it could have been the peasants of his hometown. Or perhaps his parents. To be frank, I think most philosophical sayings originate from parents while they’re raising their kids.

What does this have to do with our cars? Well, in our modern world we call cars that start 99.5% of the time, “Bad!”. Cars are usually more reliable than the kids and adults who drive them… and why not?  Reliability is a given today just as plastic has become an acceptable interior adornment in most cars.

Durability is also a given as well. Yesterday’s 150,000 miles is now trumped by today’s 250,000 miles. Let’s be blunt about it. Most cars, if properly taken care of, can last well beyond our willingness to keep them.

But there are exceptions…

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300,000 miles. Precious few vehicles get up to this point of longevity without some serious issues. This afternoon over 90 vehicles were auctioned off in front of over 90 dealers. Only 1 car hit that miestone. A plain-jane 1997 Toyota Camry with substandard paint and a broken front bumper on the driver’s side. Check engine light on. Prior Rental. Title Branded. Scratches galore.

It went for over $2300. That was one of many “Holy!” moments.

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A few years ago I offered a strong thumbs up to the outgoing Nissan Versa. Plenty of room. A small touch of sportiness when it came with a hatchback. Good feature content. I even gave it kudos for offering a slightly frumpish French design that went far beyond the flying wedges and amorphous blobs of the time.

Times have changed. Small cars are starting to look good again. Thank God!

The 2012 Versa has been reviewed here, there and pretty much everywhere. A lot of auto journalists hate it with a passion that was once reserved for no hit wonders like the Saturn Ion and Suzuki Forenza.

Is it really that bad? American consumers are saying, “Hell no!” with sales up a stunning 30% from April 2011. At least from the sales numbers (8,300+ units last month and climbing) it looks like a car loaded with penurious plentitude is just what Dr. Recession ordered.  To help us out I have asked two completely fictional car experts, Jacque Hedonist & Stefan Frugalist, to help us figure this out.

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Everybody believes they know what a beater is.

“My old 10 year old Chevy Cavalier is a real beater!”, they may remark in some self-affirming way. “Why it’s old and it has 120k miles, and the paint is faded… and…”, they will continue to go through the list on the mistaken belief that any car made in the late Clinton to Bush era is a beater. They’re not. At least not quite yet. Any car that can be scanned or diagnosed with a conventional OBDII scanner is not a beater.

Then there is the modern day Yuppie beater. “I have a late 90’s Mercedes E-Class that’s a true beater!” Never mind that the car would fit in at any country club if the owner bothered to give it a good detail.

In my humble opinion, these types of cars are not beaters at all. What qualifies? Well let’s go through the list shall we?

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There are some cars that no one will appreciate… but the owners. A bad brand name. Fatal and expensive defects from times past. Even a body style made of a designer’s frump can turn a brilliant vehicle into a showroom relic. This week I majored in buying unloved cars. Seven cars. Seven sins. More than likely seventy-seven plus days on the pavement.

Some folks like music. Or at least a series of sounds that vaguely resembles music.

They will rip CD’s. Collect several yards of vinyl. Develop a nice little Youtube playlist. Perhaps even have an Ipod-like device with hundreds of digitized recordings. Some play. Others listen. But the enjoyment is always there.

Right around the early to mid-30’s something happens to these people. Either they become more into music. Or they have music merely serve as background noise for other hobbies.

Or, if they are among the Best & Brightest who regularly visit TTAC,  they surely have certain types of music that reminds them of certain cars.

Those are the ones that truly enjoy a musical Nirvana. Or perhaps a Welk-ish purgatory.

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