“‘The government loan was just in time,’ [Chrysler Co_president jim] Press said. ‘It’s kind of like if you were in college and you were at the last of the four years and you were kind of low on money and your parents put all that money back into the back account. ‘It’s good timing.’

“Press also joked about the federal loans when introducing other top executives at Chrysler as Sunday’s press event started.

“‘This is the guy that has the money, he’s got all the money,’ Press said in introducing Chrysler Chief Financial Officer Ron Kolka. ‘The government checks go right to Ron Kolka, so if anybody needs a loan, see Ron Kolka.'”

Hey Ron, can I borrow $1m? I’m just messing with you. No, but seriously. We could become an official supplier of Chrysler humor.

This may not be news to you, TTAC’s Best and Brightest; or anyone who knows what happens when you take in less money than you spend (no matter who gives you the money). But The Detroit News presents the revelation that GM has already laid the groundwork for a larger federal “investment” than the $13.4b dumped into its coffers by February 15, before the whole “show us your new new new new new new new new turnaround plan” thing. “General Motors Corp.’s chief operating officer [Fritz Henderson] said Monday that the automaker has presented a worst-case scenario to Congress in which it would need more money than the $13.4 billion allocated by the Treasury Department.” To whom was this scenario presented? And why weren’t we, the people, the people paying the tab, told about it? The rest of the article talks about the “confusion” over government-mandated union concessions, but honestly, I’m left wondering what you call a tragi-comedy that borders on farce, and whether these guys will stop scamming us long enough for me to write about actual honest-to-God cars.

The day after threatening to extend its production shutdown, Chrysler has officially announced it’s hitting-up Uncle Sugar for another $3b– on top of the $4b recently transferred to its account. At the same time, it’s asking for an as-yet-unspecified amount of U.S. Treasury “investment” in Chrysler Financial. As duly appointed guardians of the public trust, the Treasury Department “declined to discuss the talks.” “We’re in touch with the automakers and their financing sources and continue to evaluate their financing needs,” Treasury spokeswoman Brookly McLaughlin said on Sunday. Speaking to reporters at the don’t call it the Detroit Auto Show, ChryCo CEO Bob Nardelli was equally tight-lipped. According to The Detroit News, Boot ’em Bob refused to say how much Chrysler Financial was seeking, but said he hoped “it would provide the kind of support for us in a similar fashion that GMAC was able to provide to GM.” So, what, another six billion? By Friday? Before the automakers try and make the case that they can pay the money back? The raid on the public purse continues.

Fans of English royalty will both recognize the seminal moment in the courtship of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. During an official interview with David “I’m not a Dickens character either” Dimbleby, the obsequious reporter dared ask Charlie Boy and Lady Di if they were in lerve. “Of course,” the future Mrs. Windsor replied. To which Charlie famously added “Whatever love is.” The story reminds me of today’s pronouncement by Ford scion, ex-Ford CEO, current Ford Chairman of the Board Bill Ford when asked if FoMoCo will join GM and Chrysler by lining-up for a mega-suckle on Uncle Sugar’s tit. “Only if the world implodes as we know it.” Whatever “implodes” means. Maybe we should ask Barney Frank.

The Detroit News [scroll down] is blogging the heck out of the don’t call it The Detroit Auto Show. As always (we can only hope), GM Car Czar Bob Lutz provides the requisite non sequiturs. The DetN’s Snell asked Maximum Bob about the prospect of another, more alpha (in the HUMMER sense) Car Czar, soon to be assigned by Congress to keep watch on the $13.4b of taxpayer money loaned to MB’s employer. Like the idea? He loves it! “We’ve never had a go-to person in Washington to pour out our hearts to,” Lutz said. “To have a person, a presidential appointee, intimately involved in the industry to review plans and have a dialogue with, I think is a very beneficial institution. I almost wish we had this before.” Almost, but not quite? But don’t worry, Maximum Bob reckons GM will “meet the requirements we signed up for” with the help of the new Cadillac SRX, Chevrolet Equinox and yes, Buick LaCrosse. Of course, that’s not the whole plan. “GM is betting gas prices will rise once the economy recovers and pent-up demand for new vehicles in unleashed. ‘That’s what we’re counting on,’ Lutz said.”

Two hours after President Bush announced he’d reversed his position– tapping into the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP)– to bailout Detroit, United Auto Workers boss Ron Gettelfinger announced his intention to get the incoming president to remove the wage parity provisions included in the deal. Why wait? Reuters reveals that “Legislation proposed on Friday to tighten the sweeping U.S. corporate bailout program omitted specific targets for labor concessions that were a key feature of last month’s Bush administration rescue of distressed automakers. A portion of the bill proposed by House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank sought to codify the auto bailout with terms, that with two exceptions, basically mirror those imposed by the White House when it extended $17.4 billion in emergency loans to General Motors Corp and Chrysler LLC.” Meanwhile, “Frank’s plan also seeks to formalize oversight of the auto bailout under a trustee or ‘car czar.'” Bottom line: no UAW haircut (a.k.a. business as usual) unless the Senate reinserts the original language. And a Big Stick wielder to make sure that GM and Chrysler realize Congress’ green dreams. I mean, return to profitability. Don’t I?

Automotive News [sub] reports that Ford has less than $15b in cash, and a burn rate of “somewhere between $1.3 billion and $2.57 billion” in the fourth quarter. CEO Alan Mulally had earlier indicated that Ford had a solid $15b to work with, but a spokesman now reveals that his number is off. Ford has not closed the books on the fourth quarter yet, says Mark Truby, “however, our cash position will be lower than $15 billion. It would be premature to say anything more.” Ford is sticking by its earlier guidance that cash burn was reduced in the fourth quarter, but that’s not saying much considering the Blue Oval torched $7.7b in the third. In addition to the “under $15b” cash on hand, Ford has access to $10.7b in credit. But with nothing else to borrow against, survival until the brand’s Euro-revival takes hold could come down to a requested-but-unapproved $9b government “emergency line of credit.” Or magic. Never stop believing in magic.

The Detroit News reveals that page 60 of the Loan and Security Agreement between GM and the U.S. Treasury Department commits GM and Chrysler to a Catch-22. “They would be in default of federal short-term loans if the United Auto Workers [UAW] or another union engaged in a strike or work stoppage.” At the same time, the loan agreement requires GM and Chrysler to bring their labor costs in line with the transplants’ (by February 17 no less). So the UAW is carrying the football; they can nuke GM’s call on the public purse simply by striking. “I can’t see that a strike would serve any benefit right now,” analyst Aaron Bragman of IHS Global Insight told the News. “It sounds like maybe some Republican union-busting language got in there, which would not surprise me.” And it sounds to me like Aaron, and perhaps the Treasury Department, got it exactly backwards. Will the UAW strike GM? No, but they could. And when it comes to negotiations, potential power is as real as it gets.

From WLNS Channel 6 (Lansing, Michigan): “GM Bailout Appears to be Working” “The federal rescue of General Motors appears to be working. It’s a glimmer of hope in a dismal automotive scene. General Motors says it does have enough loan money to survive. Bloomberg News reports a spokesperson for GM says last month’s government rescue should be enough to cover even a worse case scenario for 2009. GM received a four billion dollar check from the treasury department last week with an additional 5.4 billion due later this month and four billion more in February. The company reportedly now says it will not need additional loans unless the economy worsens.” From the Economist: “No end to the nightmare” “Realistically, the most GM can hope for is that it will have done enough by March to keep the drip-feed going until the second half of 2009, when things may start to improve. As for Chrysler—don’t even ask.”

GM CEO Rick Wagoner is out and about today, peddling his company’s ability to be all things to all people save, perhaps, enough customers to avoid bankruptcy, bailouts and brickbats. The AP reports that Red Ink Rick reckons retirees are golden. “General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner said Thursday the Detroit automaker can survive long-term without cutting benefits to retired workers. Wagoner made the remarks on NBC’s Today Show, where he was joined by United Auto Workers President Ron Gettelfinger. The two made the appearance from Detroit ahead of their renewed labor negotiations scheduled to begin next week.” Nothing like a good long suckle on the taxpayer tit to bring out a little media-pleasing solidarity. I wonder how Ron’s base feels about that one. Prety good if they’re retired, and think Uncle Sugar will cotinue to fuel the gravy train for the next twenty years or so. Perish the thought. Now, about those congressionally mandated concessions…

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India’s Economic Times can’t believe it: “Porn baron Larry Flynt says that the US Government should help rejuvenate the industry, which has been bearing the brunt of the ongoing global economic crisis, with a financial assistance of five billion dollars. The Hustler magazine founder has even joined forces with ‘Girls Gone Wild’ video series’ creator Joe Francis to approach Congress so as to sustain the same kind of financial aid as was recently approved for automakers.”

A Bollywood fantasy? No, says Xbiz Newswire, the adult entertainment industry news authority. Xbiz says Flint and Francis are serious. Or at least seriously looking for headlines. Xbiz talked to Larry Flint’s flak Owen Moogan, who made a compelling case: “With the Big Three automakers asking for assistance, and with banks asking for assistance, we thought, ‘Why not us?’ The adult industry is another great American business entity. We represent the all-American pursuit of sexual gratification.”

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Bloomberg reports today that despite receiving $4b in government aid, Chrysler refuses to open its books to the public which involuntarily bailed it out.  It turns out that when Robert Nardelli pledged “full financial transparency” while begging the government to buy into his Pentastarred hell, he was really offering “partial financial transparency.” As in, ChryCo will share the numbers with the Treasury, but nobody else. The weekly status reports, biweekly cash statements and monthly certifications to the Treasury are required to demonstrate that Chrysler is complying with policies on expenses. But as Chrysler Spokesperson Lori McTavish puts it “we are not in a position to mirror publicly traded companies, as our investors remain private. However, the company is obligated to our private investors and lenders, and as such, keeps them apprised.” Earth to Chrysler: your major investor is the public. And we expect more than just a thank you card.

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Once again, The Detroit News is giving free reign to D2.8 boosters to boost the D2.8 and, by extension, themselves. Today, we get an epistle from Congressman John Dingell (D-Dearborn), who feels obligated to come clean about his role in “enabling” Motown’s hometown heroes’ self-destruction and, perhaps, Uncle Sugar’s $33.4b “take the money and run it the way you always have” auto bailout buffet. (That’s excluding GMAC.) “Americans are angry about what has happened to our country. No one seems to be willing to take responsibility. I will take some. I should have held the automotive companies more accountable for their actions, or inactions, over the years. My colleagues voted to make another member, who views the auto industry in a much different way than I do, the chairman of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. I find that some members voted against me because I was perceived to be sympathetic to the auto industry.” Translation: if loving you was wrong, I don’t want to be wrong. And I still love you. “I don’t regret fighting for millions of Americans who work in the auto industry, even if that fight might have hurt me. I will fight for those workers, the UAW and others in the industry until they kick me out of this place.” They? I know democracy is a difficult concept for a politician who’s been in Washington since 1955, but shouldn’t that be YOU, as in Michigan voters? Anyway, things are going to be different now…

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At first glance, this makes no sense: the head of the United Auto Workers (UAW) telling the world that GM and Chrysler are done feasting at the bailout buffet. “If we can get by without more money, that’s what we want to do,” Big Ron Gettelfinger told Automotive News [AN, sub] in an interview at Solidarity House. And if I could convince my Lexus dealer to give me a new IS-F with a handstand, that’s what I’d want to do. Clearly, Ron Gettelfinger is promising someone a rose garden– while he’s painted the ailing automakers into a corner. Ish. First, this is what car salesman call an “if then” close. Second, Ron told AN that “how well the money holds out will depend on sales volume this year.” Gettelfinger is hopeful that “sales will not dip more than 1 million units below 2008’s depressed 13.1 million.” So, IF U.S. new car sales DON’T dip below 12.1m per year, THEN GM and Chrysler recover without any more federal funding? Nonsense. Make no mistake: Ron’s statement is part of a calculated plan to avoid making any concessions during the federally-mandated negotiations to reduce his members’ pay and benefits. In other words, the UAW doesn’t need to make concessions because everything’s going to be alright. It is, in fact, Ron’s opening gambit. And it’s not bad. But shame on AN for swallowing the union boss’s bait; hook, line and sinker. I mean, what is this…

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The New York Times’ Dealbook blog takes it to the GMAC bailout with TTAC-like zest today, methodically doling out blame to all sides of the deal. Many of their points have been covered in TTAC’s ongoing coverage of the deal, but the Dealbook post does a good job of summarizing everything there is to hate about the handout. For one thing, there’s the fact that (unlike other TARP packages) the Treasury failed to secure warrants backed by GMAC common equity. This means that we the American taxpayers have no upside to the deal beyond earning back our money with eight percent interest. Furthermore, the warrants that Treasury did receive are worth only five percent of our $5b investment in GMAC, far less than the 15 percent warrants required of other TARP borrowers. Oh yeah, and the $1b that GM received to invest in GMAC is secured only by GM’s stake in GAMC. Not only do these considerations increase taxpayer risk, they also destroy the “our bailout is better/more fair than theirs” relativism that the auto biz rode into Bailout City.

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