“Sweet” Peter DeLorenzo, the self-styled Autoextremist, has some extreme thoughts on the General Motors predicament. Specifically, his latest “Rant” suggests that General Motors is so compromised as a brand that he’d go as far as to rename the artist formerly known as “the world’s largest automaker.” “If GM is able to emerge from all of this with a strengthening pulse,” writes DeLorenzo (without getting too hung up on that “if”), “then I have a recommendation. Substitute the word ‘Precision’ for ‘General’ in the company title and then move on, burying the old company name – and the associated negativity – once and for all.” Holy unpronouncable symbols, Batman! Precision Motors? What, was “Patriotic Motors” taken? More importantly, how can Sweet Pete think a name change will make a lick of difference, while rejecting bankruptcy, brand cutting and other meaningful reforms? For more insight into DeLorenzo’s Extremist Makeover Branding Edition, check out some of his thoughts on GM’s brands over at the New York Times.

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No prizes for guessing “not so much.” But with its product line dead in the water, Chrysler desperately needs to generate some kind of enthusiasm for its continued existence. And at this point, the promise of what Auto Motor und Sport call “retro-flitzers” like the Fiat 500 and 500 C shown above is the only shot they have. And sure enough, Automotive News [sub] reports that Fiat may export European-built cars in order to speed up the timeline for integration with Chrysler. “We are currently working on a plan to begin shipping the Fiat 500 minicar and the Alfa Romeo 940 [entry-premium car] to the U.S. in about a year,” says the anonymous source. who These cars would be sold at “some” Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep dealers in advance of production of the 500 at Toluca, Mexico and the 940 at an undisclosed American plant. Which means taxpayers will be funding a premium captive-import-led “turnaround.” Oh boy. Meanwhile, Fiat is considering building its production purgatory-bound 169 upper-premium sedan on Chrysler’s LX platform. I can see the “Italian Engineering” ads now.

GM’s “different kind of car company” is furiously trying to forge a future amid plummeting sales and little outside interest in buying the brand.  Saturn’s Franchise Operations Team has been meeting with GM executives in hopes of creating some kind of strategy for the brand’s dealer network. According to Automotive News [sub] the options were narrowed down at a meeting last week, and after further refinement they should be presented to Saturn dealers later this week. When asked if this spelled the end for the Saturn name, Franchise Operations Team member Todd Ingersoll told AN “everything is fluid. You can’t commit to any option.” But he also indicates that “you don’t need four options to kill a brand.” So what’s really going on?

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OK, so the latest GM Fastlane PR exercise is actually entitled “What Is GM Doing With The Money?” Defensive much? Anyway, coming from Fastlane, there’s obviously no mention of giving Cadillacs away. Or throwing cash down the Delphi hole. Or paying Brazilian workers to sit on their hands. No, having received $13.4b, GM’s Steve Harris reveals that GM’s plan is to (wait for it) comply with the terms of the loan! In other words, “prove that we can repay the loan, achieve a positive net present value, and meet federal fuel efficiency and emission requirements, and manufacture advanced technology vehicles in the U.S. ” And with the federal money, GM is “making progress,” says Harris. How? By building concepts like the Cadillac Converj. And announcing vehicles like the 2010 Equinox (Saturn Vue cannibalism!) and the 2012 Spark and Orlando (which debut after the loan is due). Hallelujah!  And though Harris mentions the UAW Job Bank shutdown and “discussion” of plans to reduce dealers by 400 per year, his effort to “do a better job of communicating our successes (and) how we will be changing going forward” leaves out all the interesting bits.

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Gentlemen, start your “German Engineering” jokes! The Windsor Star reports that Chrysler’s Windsor Assembly Plant has received a “no build” order for Routans in the month of February, despite workers returning from a long winter break on February second. According to a union local official, VW requested a month’s furlough of Routan production, “in order to adjust their inventory. Sales are slow across the board and VW is no different.” Local 444 President Rick LaPorte calls the no build order “worrisome in terms of volumes.” Windsor had been assembling 300 Routans per day, but with 30k of the rebadged Caravans sitting in the VW dealer net, slow sales are becoming a major concern. VW sold 8,812 Routans last year, falling well short of the pace needed to meet sales goals of 35k units per year (3k-4k per month). Read TTAC’s review of the Routan here.

OK, so I linked to this in the post below, but it really deserves its own post. After all, few things define the times quite as poignantly as Chrysler’s peculiar brand of insanity. See, the problem with the psychology of recession is that it causes inordinate self-doubt among panicked executives and their long-suffering staffs. Which, if you’re Chrysler, might be a good thing. Except that for some reason, the principles of reflection and continuous improvement always take a back seat to some brainiac who thinks that the problem is that the firms products aren’t exactly like iPods. At Chrysler, this brainiac is named Peter Arnell. In an interview with AdWeek, Chrysler’s “Chief Innovation Officer” lives up to his cliched title by spewing the most ridiculous twaddle about his pet project, the Chrysler PeaPod. For those who don’t know, the PeaPod is a GEM Low Speed (Neighborhood Electric) Vehicle (LSV/NEV). This means that the PeaPod is limited to 25 mph and is barred from thoroughfares with speed limits of higher than 35 mph. In other words, it’s useless. Unless you live on a golf course or in a gated retirement community. But the way Arnell tells it, the PeaPod is just a Wired Magazine cover away from becoming the next Apple killer app.

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The financial crisis will (this is an easy prediction to make) have a strange effect on some car brands (see Honda). A few car makers will try to move upwards towards Panameran profitability, while others will try to be anything to anybody as long as that somebody is a buyer. A few brands will steer themselves downwards in a more or less desperate grab at recession-resistance sales. And it seems that Subaru is one of them. If you think the Subaru brand means “sporty, 4WD, boxer-engined, super-reliable”, then you’re in for a surprise. If European Subarus are indicative of worldwide strategy, then two out of four of those are goners. The new Impreza 1.5 RF (Revolution Frontwheel, not a deliberate jab at Robert Farago’s loathing for brand dilution), is weak (107 HP), slow (0-60 in 13.2 sec), and FWD. It has only disc brakes in the front and lists for 16.5K € in Germany, which will probably amount to around 11K net after rebates. So it’s cheap and dull. Will people buy it?

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With governments everywhere becoming investors in their native auto industries, the question of what exactly is a native auto industry is suddenly big news. Veteran Wall Street Journal writer Joseph White has taken up the question: What is an American Car? [sub]. The Journal has a fun “Where is this Car Made” quiz to test your knowledge. What could be more American than a Mexican built Escalade, Dodge Ram, Silverado or F150? Is an Ohio built Honda Accord Japanese? What to make of a Mexican built Ford Fusion with a Mazda based design? Is Canada the 51st state or not? Coherent people everywhere have noticed that “the Detroit companies wave the Stars and Stripes when they advertise their wares or look for loans in Washington, but when they talk to investors or the business press, they stress their aggressive efforts to promote ‘global sourcing,’a code for, ‘Buy More Parts from China and Mexico.'” Such Detroit double-speak has a long and ignominious history.

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A great selection here.

“One of Cadillac’s most anticipated models is being delayed one year.” Automotive News [sub] breaks the story- and stretches the limits of credulity. Anticipated by whom? The luxury coupe market is a niche within a niche. And to this blogger’s jaundiced eye, the CTS Coupe is hideously overwrought (which probably means it would have been a hit). GM spinmeiser Joanna Krell says the CTS two-door will now appear in summer 2010. Meanwhile, Cadillac really needs to concentrate on flogging the new CTS Wagon, apparently. Oh, and the next gen SRX, which is about as brand faithful as you’d expect for a vehicle that’s so not an Escalade it Hertz. Not to mention the fact that GM may not exist per se in one year. Or that this “postponement” is just another example of GM’s on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again product planning. “Selected journalists were shown the 2010 CTS coupe last August at a private party held in conjunction with the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance in California. At that time, the car was scheduled to debut in November at the Los Angeles auto show. In early November that plan was canceled, and the car’s debut was postponed indefinitely.” Taxpayer-funded chaos.

How reassuring. Not to taxpayers, obviously. We’re supporting this dead brand with $13.4b of our tax money– if you don’t include GM’s share of the Department of Energy’s $25b retooling loans (remember those?). Still, Saturn dealers must have been pleased as punch to hear The General claim– at The National Automobile Dealers Association (NADA) conference in N’orlins– that it will continue to build models for Re-Thinkers through 2012. Why “in some cases,” they’ll keep creating Saturnalia until 2013! After the meeting, GM Marketing Maven Mark LaNeve told Automotive News [sub] “We have all the current products funded. What we told them was the biggest issue is slimming down our product cadence. We don’t have enough finances to fund all these brands.” What new product cadence would that be? “I’m talking about vehicles with a fluid, uniform design theme, top-notch engines, dynamic chassis philosophy and a focus on detailed interior and exterior execution.” GM Car Czar Maximum Bob Lutz, “Product Will Reign,” 2005. Two years later, via Edmunds, “If this lineup doesn’t work, I’m out of ideas.”

“We haven’t quite figured out exactly between sports cars and entry-level cars, but it’ll be a very narrowed and focused brand.” So pronounceth GM NA Marketing maven Mark LaNeve at a “roundtable interview” attended by Automotive News [AN sub]. Here’s another surprise: GM can’t figure out to do with HUMMER, Saab or Saturn, either. “There’s nothing that can be said today that can calm the nerves of a Saturn, Hummer or Saab dealer,” LaNeve said. Or is there? “The studies of Saab and Hummer are very externally focused,” LaNeve said. Translation from AN (for the drunks and idiots amongst us): “That means GM hopes to sell them or form some type of partnership.” Mark his words. “We have production facilities that could be carved out; we could build the vehicles for somebody.” Any idea who that could be? Me neither. Oh wait; “The Swedish government is involved in the Saab review.” Is that the same Swedish government that declared it would be a cold day in Hell before they combo-nationalized Saab and Volvo? Chrysler and GM, on the other hand… It gets better, Saturn-wise.

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