Best. Headline. Ever. But then Canada’s Globe and Mail threw out their word mincing machine sometime around the turn of the last century. The paper shows its stones by revealing that the new deal between Generous Motors and the Canadian Auto Workers isn’t what you’d call onerous. Not by a long chalk.

The extra holidays remain intact in the new, cheaper version of GM Canada’s deal with the CAW, negotiated over the weekend. So does the child care subsidy (up to $2,400 per kid per year) and the car purchase discount (up to $2,600), which GM Canada – despite being on the brink of crisis – generously extended last spring to some 30,000 retired workers. Of course, current GM workers who think their jobs might vanish will want to hold off on buying that new GMC Sierra, to take advantage of the $35,000 vehicle voucher they would receive as part of their $100,000 restructuring allowance.

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While California breaks away from the national emissions standards, Canada is headed in the opposite direction towards unified efficiency regulations. “At this point in the United States, it would appear that they are headed towards a 35-mile-per-gallon standard by 2020 and that would start to come into effect in the 2011 model year,” says Canadian Environment Minister Jim Prentice. “We’ve essentially been prepared to go in that same direction . . . what we’re striving for is a North American standard because we know there’s only one North American automobile industry.” Prentice is in Washington DC discussing energy and environmental policy with the Obama administration. “The first thing that has to happen, however, is that the United States has to land with their own domestic policy,” Prentice tells Automotive News [sub]. “It’s by no means clear how this will emerge from Congress over the course of the next year.” Or whether California will play along. From an industry perspective, consistent regulations from the US to Canada would be welcome, although average fleet economy is not a favored regulatory metric.

Reuters reports that Chrysler Canada has been charged with a $500m CD ($400m USD) tax lien as a result of a tax liability reassesment. According to the document filed in Canadian federal court, the Canada Revenue Agency notified Chrysler Canada in 2002 that it owed “substantial increases” in taxes “targeting the pricing of automobiles and parts that crossed the border between Chrysler Canada and its Detroit parent” for three years starting in 1996. The document does not reveal the amount that Chrysler owes the Canadian government, but the $500m CD lien was filed against Chrysler’s Brampton, Ontario, operations. The lien is though to be the largest ever filed by the Canadian government, and likely represents an even larger tax liability than the lien amount. Chrysler is seeking shelter from the assesment in the Canada-US Tax Treaty, and according to reports, the court dispute has been shelved while the various governments negotiate a bailout for the auto sector. Needless to say, another half-billion in liabilities doesn’t exactly do wonders for Chrysler’s viability.

According to a Winnipeg, Canada court ruling issued last month, “work zone” speed camera tickets are invalid if they are issued in an empty work zone. Judicial Justice of the Peace Norman Sundstrom tossed citations issued to nine defendants who traveled through workerless work zones without exceeding the normal speed limit for the road they were on. The decision was based on a nuanced reading of the interplay between the provincial photo radar law and the law governing construction zone warning signs.

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Three-hundred dollars Canadian is not a lot of money for a car that functions. But it buys you—well, the Canadian government—a lot of greenwashing. OK, some. “Retire Your Ride” pays the three bills for any currently registered Canadian car produced before 1996, “the year the government introduced more stringent emissions standards.” Canadian Driver dutifully reports, “These pre-1996 models produce about 19 times more air pollutants than newer cars and trucks.” Wow! Nineteen times! The Clean Air Foundation is in charge of sending any one of five million-ish eligible cars to the crusher, in exchange for CA$300 or discounts on public transit passes, bicycles or memberships in car sharing companies. As my father said to me on many memorable (if imminently lamentable) occasions, “How much is this boondoggle going to cost me?” This one, me, nothing. Canadian taxpayers, CA$92m. Canadian Driver saves the withering analysis for the end of their article, but it’s worth the wait…

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“Like most people, we here at Toyota love good news.” And God knows there’s not a lot of that going around these days. Even for the royal we here at Toyota, where we’re used to making more profit per year than GM’s market capitalization. No really. “So the following piece of business from the Insurance Institute of Canada (IIoC) interests us a great deal.” Well, the intern in charge of finding non-controversial Toyota-oriented material for Open Road, anyway. “The thing that’s caught our attention is a list from IIoC that purports to detail the 10 vehicles that were the most frequently stolen in 2008, and also the 10 cars least frequently stolen.” Sorry about that “purports” thing. You try and post blogs every day with Legal breathing down your neck. “So the good news is that the IIoC listed no Toyota products on the most-stolen list. None. Zilch. Nada. There are lots of other brands represented there, some of them repeatedly. Some luxury brands, some aging economy brands. But not us.” I swear, if TTAC says one thing about how this proves that we’re somehow undesirable, they will not get one press car. Do they get press cars? Oh, OK. Never mind. [List of most and least stolen vehicles after the jump.]

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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper drafted former Molsons boss Jim Arnett less than three weeks ago to advise on auto industry policy. Now that Canada has commited $4b Canadian ($3.25b American) to Chrysler and GM, Arnett has resigned his position. The Star reports that “the Conservative government never really saw eye-to-eye with Arnett on what needed to be done,” but that Arnett will continue to advise the Ontario provincial government. Arnett, who advised the government on the 2004-2006 steel industry restructuring, was not available to comment on why he quit. Sources say Arnett “couldn’t reach the appropriate terms of reference” with the federal government. If we had to guess why Arnett might have left, we’d say it probably has something to do with Harper’s seemingly boundless enthusiasm for handing taxpayer money to Detroit. “I will not fool you. There is obviously money at risk here and there may be, well, more money as we go forward,” Harper told reporters when the Canadian bailout plan was announced.

When the leaders of the G20 meet this weekend, they’ll look to Canada’s conservative but durable banking model as a template for the rest of the world. Since the Liberal reign of Paul Martin as Canada’s Finance Minister, Canada’s been the “Wealthy Barber” of the developed world, deploying bland but solid fiscal policy to great effect. And now, more sense from the current Canadian Finance Minister, Conservative Jim Flaherty. CTVNews reports that Jim isn’t too keen on giving the ailing Canadian auto industry the US-style bailout that’s currently being debated in Washington. Why not? Well sometimes, the story just tells itself: “Nobody wants to see taxpayers’ money taken — and then in effect wasted — where a company is not going to survive … we want to see the plan for survivability,” he said. In order words, before the FinMin spends one cent of taxpayer dollars propping up Canadian production, he wants to see a turnaround plan. You know – the same kind of plan GM has failed to publish ever since it first bled red under its current CEO Rick Wagoner. Don’t hold your breath, Jim.

Last year, Premier Jean Charest’s fellow Québécois faced the worst winter the Province had seen in over five decades. So he directed his government to make winter radial tires mandatory. From December 15 until March 15, snow shoes for you, eh? Two weeks ago, I spoke to a mechanic in Nashua, New Hampshire who lamented a shortage of winter tires. New Hampshire being almost Canada, I should have twigged. Then, two days ago, a Montreal tire shop was burned to the ground in what the Montreal Gazette called a “supicious tire fire.” Still didn’t click. Finally, the Canadian press put two and two together for me, declaring that Quebec’s winter tire law is causing a shortage and, c’est vrai, a tire war in the province. This being the first year such a law has been in place for any Canadian province, the demand for tires in Quebec has inevitably led to shortages in neighboring provinces and bordering U.S. states. In case anyone in the Northeast needs winter tires for a Ford Mustang, I happen to have a pair that I’d part with for, say, $20b dollars. U.S.

The Edmonton Sun reports that a judge has cleared the last remaining participant in the city’s photo radar bribery scandal. Sergeant Tom Bell, 50, accepted lavish gifts from Affiliated Computer Services (ACS) between 1998 and 2004 while the company was attempting to land the right run the city’s lucrative speed camera operation.While several other Edmonton Police Service employees, including Staff Sergeant Kerry Nisbet and former Chief Darryl da Costa, accepted similar benefits, Bell alone stood accused of returning the favor. On March 1, 2004, Bell wrote a memo falsely stating that ACS alone was capable of running Edmonton’s speed camera program; the company should be awarded a no-bid contract worth $90m. Court of Queen’s Bench Justice Bryan Mahoney believed this amounted to ordinary conduct and that it did not amount to a “serious and marked departure from the norm.” For that reason, he could not find Bell guilty of taking bribes despite “some poor choices and errors in judgment.” Mahoney discarded the testimony of Bell’s ex-wife, who asserted that Bell’s wrote the false memo in the hopes that he would be rewarded financially after leaving the police force.

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Toyota’s announced that Canadians will no longer have to spend $30k to import a grey market Scion xB from The Land of the Free. Soon they can overpay for a Scion at their very own local Toyota dealer. Maybe. In 2010, Toyota will open Scion sub-stores at Toyota dealers in Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver. Unfortunately, Toyota seems to be sticking with the “urban youth music snowboarder DJ myspace iPod tuner culture” marketing image, rather than the “people that don’t have a ton of money but want a practical, reliable, relatively fuel efficient Toyota.” The Scion that does do well with the youngins: the aging tC – which hopefully will be replaced by the time Scion launches in the Dominion. Overall, Scion should have good prospects for our neighbors to the north, where “hatchback” and “downmarket econbox” aren’t synonymous. While Toyota of Canada has nothing to say about whether Canada will get the forcoming iQ – heading to the stateside as a Scion – will come to Canada, you can bet your zimmer frame on it.

A senior Edmonton Canada police officer was back in court yesterday, as trial court proceedings began to determine whether his authorship of a fraudulent memo on behalf of a photo radar firm constituted a crime. Detective Thomas Bell, 50, is one of several Edmonton Police Service officers who accepted lavish gifts and other benefits between 1998 and 2004 from Affiliated Computer Services (ACS). That’s the same company that received a police recommendation for a no-bid contract worth $90m to run the city’s speed cameras. Bell’s downfall came when he put his name to a memorandum designed to single-out ACS as the only firm capable of operating the lucrative speed camera program. As reported by the Edmonton Journal, an anonymous March 2004 email from within the department kicked-off the investigation into Bell. According to reports, over the last year– while Sgt. Bell was in charge of the speed enforcement unit– ACS sent the officer on several junkets, and blessed Bell with free lunches, dinners, golf tournaments and banquets. (Former Deputy Police Chief Darryl da Costa narrowly escaped internal punishment for violating ethics rules for taking free hockey tickets and meals. The statute of limitations had expired by the time the allegations surfaced.) If convicted of breach of trust, Bell would face a maximum sentence of fourteen years in prison. [click here for the full story from TheNewspaper.com]

State Department “undesirable” and reportedly mobbed-up Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska has given up his 20 percent share in contract manufacturer and supplier Magna International. Marketwatch reports that Deripaska had bought into Magna in order to reap expertise in developing his own Russian-based automotive empire, but the credit crunch has him backing out. In fact, Deripaska had laid his 20m Class-A Magna shares as collateral for their purchase, and thanks to major retreats in the Russian stock market, Deripaska is simply walking away from his $1.54b investment. Magna stock has dropped 45 percent since Deripaska bought in, further exasperating his position and forcing his Basic Elements holding group to repritoritize. Meanwhile, Magna is happy to have had the opportunity to gain access to Russia’s auto manufacturing market, through the Deripaska-owned GAZ Group. Though Deripaska’s stake in Magna will be sold off by an unnamed creditor, collaboration could continue between the two firms. “We believe that the Russian market still holds significant opportunities for us and intend to continue to pursue joint opportunities with Russian Machines and GAZ, as well as other opportunities to advance our position in Russia,” says Magna co-CEO Siegfried Wolf.

First it was “the HUMMER H2 is better for the environment than the Prius.” Now it’s big cars in general are better for the planet– and your wallet– than small ones. “Small cars don’t last,” automotive analyst Dennis DesRosiers tells wordsmith Barbara Righton of Macleans. “They fail to retain value, utility or desirability.” Babs connects the dots. “Small cars are less durable. First off, they are built lighter. Secondly, they are cheaper, so they attract younger drivers who tend to maintain them poorly. They have a lower resale value, which guarantees they won’t trade hands many times before they are scrapped, and they’re more likely to be written off by insurance companies if they are involved in serious collisions. In other words, ‘the useful life of the vehicle’ is as short as their wheel base, according to Erich Merkle, an automotive consultant with Crowe Chizek in Grand Rapids, Mich.” Quite aside from the fallacy of the argument (I’ll let the Best and Brightest make the case), do I detect some kind of weird sneering thing going on? Indeed I do. “Merkle advises consumers to buy a mid-sized car that is a couple of years old and hang onto it. That way they can sit contentedly and watch the parade of tiny cars in their neighbours’ driveways come — and go.” [thanks to rpn453 for the tip]