Provided, that is, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) turns down Indiana’s request to overrule the sale of assets from Old, Crap Chrysler to New, Italian-controlled Chrysler. This after the U.S. Appeals Court told the gearbox-factory-jilted state’s lawyers to piss off. Or, more specifically, “You can’t wait for a better deal to come in from Studebaker.” Wait schmait; the three judges returned their decision about 10 minutes after Indiana’s lawyers finished their arguments. “There’s one more stop on the train,” Tom Lauria, a lawyer for the Indiana pension funds said, after the court’s ruling. Yes, well, New Chrysler left the station a while ago. One of our Best and Brightest has an interesting take on this (after the jump), but again, I reckon this is a done deal.

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According to Chrysler’s bankruptcy papers, the Viper business was offered for $10 million and only drew a single $5.5 million bid. In short, “no offers meeting the Company’s basic requirements for the sale of Viper assets were submitted.” But Rep. Darrel Issa [R-CA] doesn’t buy (so to speak) the non-sale. In a letter to Chrysler, Issa reveals that a Michigan-based investor group offered $35 million for Viper this year and was negotiating terms before Chrysler’s bankruptcy. According to the Freep, these unnamed investors even entered discussions with the state of Louisiana. Now Issa is asking Chrysler to disclose all of its documents relating to the Viper business. Feistily. “If it is the case that Fiat used its ‘hard-fought’ superior bargaining position to establish as a condition of the merger a requirement that Chrysler allow the Viper brand to disappear in order to reduce competition for Ferrari, this too must be presented to the court.” Competition? Ferrari? $35 million? It’s hard to decide what part of this story is least plausible.

Thanks to Michael Karesh at TrueDelta.com, we tend to take everything J.D. Powers’ mob puts out with a HUMMER-sized pinch of salt. Even so, anyone who thinks that New, Fiat-controlled Chrysler is going to reverse the zombie automaker’s rep for producing adulterated crap should consider taking a hit of today’s J.D. The company’s 2009 UK Vehicle Owners Satisfaction Study rates Fiat dead last. Below Chrysler. Talk about the blind leading the lame . . . .

Not “a” Saturn. “The” Saturn car company. Yes, that’s right: ladies and gentlemen, Saturn has just left GM’s building. Bloomberg reports that the feel good GM division that had once seemingly overcome GM-itis, only to be sucked in by the Borg of GM’s divisional infighting, has finally achieved independence. The Penske Automotive Group has offered a bid in the low nine’s ($100 to $200 million) for a company that has gone through well over ten billion dollars and not a penny of profit. Was it all GM’s fault? Is the Saturn “no haggle”-friendly dealer formula still a winner in today’s heavily discounted world? There’s no telling. But there is a twist. Apparently the cars that may be used for this “different kind of company” will be Renault based and built . . . in South Korea. Who wants to bet that the PRC will also be in Saturn’s orbit within the next few years? Any takers?

And there I was, calling “profit” GM’s new “Voldemort.” Yesterday, Government Motors’ federally-funded advisers used the ‘p” word in documents filed with federal bankruptcy court. Evercore Partners predict that the zombie automaker will return to life (though not as we know it) by 2014. What’s more, stock in New GM will be worth $48 billion straight out of the gate. Hang on. I’m lousy at math (as you know). But if the United States government owns 60 percent of a $48 billion New GM, our share on day one would be worth $28.8 billion. So, if the feds dumped those shares, we’d “only” lose $19.2 billion. SELL! Of course, it doesn’t work that way. But then, I’m betting dollars to donuts (heads-up: it’s national donut day) that it won’t work the way Evercore Partners says it will, either. With a little help from the Detroit Free Press, let’s look at their numbers . . .

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You, TTAC’s Best and Brightest, knew it was going to happen: that unfortunate intersection of business and politics, where the taxpayer-supported GM would be forced by its new masters to place the latter ahead of the former. In other words, brain dead zombies are easily led. The Hill reports that Massachusetts Congressional Representative Barney Frank has “convinced” GM to keep a parts operation in his district open for business. “Frank’s staff said the lawmaker spokes with GM CEO Fritz Henderson on Wednesday and convinced him to keep the Norton, Mass., plant open for at least 14 months.”

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“It’s our obligation to be open and transparent in all we do to reinvent GM, particularly with the American taxpayer as our largest investor.” That was the second sentence out of GM CEO Fritz Henderson’s mouth in sworn testimony before the U.S. Senate re: GM’s dealer cull. When pressed by Senator Rockefeller, Henderson reluctantly promised to release the list of all the dealers sent their walking papers by the corporate mothership. And then . . . nothing. In fact, behind the scenes, GM is desperately trying to quarantine/suppress the information.

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So says the bond market according to Bloomberg. And yes, we’re definitely talking about the “New GM.” Using a Deutsche Bank formula for analyzing the bond market, demand for GM debt shows the company to be worth about $33 billion post-bankruptcy. By comparison, the same formula estimates Ford’s value to be about $19.9 billion. Still, that valuation shows just how little the taxpayer intervention in GM bought for its $65 billion investment. The Deutsche Bank report, by analyst Rod Lache, indicates that GM’s post-bankruptcy value will be on-par with its 2002 value. But, “Much higher — and consistent — levels of profitability” will be needed to keep that market value, according to Credit Sights Inc analyst Glenn Reynolds (no relation to the famed blogger). “It takes more than government debt-to-equity swaps.” There’s always a catch, isn’t there?

It has been commented widely (and it doesn’t take a tall IQ to do so) that Magna might get problems with its parts customers (a.k.a. OEMs) when Magna starts competing with them through Opel. Didn’t take long: “Volkswagen AG said Wednesday Canadian auto parts supplier Magna International Inc. will face conflicts of interest following the planned takeover of General Motors Corp.’s (GM) Adam Opel GmbH unit,” Dow Jones Newswire reports from Germany. The threats are carefully worded:
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The sale of the Hummer brand to a widely unknown maker of cement mixers and bridge pontoons, located in China’s wild west of Chengdu, left many questions open.

Like, how much did they pay?

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Magna expects to consummate the marriage of Opel by September. This doesn’t surprise; it just so happens that the German elections are on 9/27/2009. In the meantime, Deutschland develops distinct doubts about the deal. “The German government made it clear that the door remains open to rival bidders,” Reuters reports. “The process is still open to all the bidders,” government spokesman Ulrich Wilhelm told reporters in Berlin. The German government keeps repeating that other bidders, including Fiat and China’s BAIC, still have a shot if they improved their bids. Doubts reach all the way to the top . . .

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Chrysler Co-Prez Jim Press and GM CEO Fritz Henderson faced congressional opprobrium this afternoon, as our duly elected representatives lamented the fact that the two zombie automakers are pulling the rug from under the pols’ financial backers—I mean, cutting car dealers. Never mind the bollocks; the bailout bonanza just got a big bigger. Detroit News reports that Henderson told the Senate that “GM could have 3,500-3,800 dealers by the end of next year, a reduction of 2,300-2,600 dealers. He said the reductions were painful but unavoidable.” Applying this morning’s pay-off formula (an average of $500,000 per dealer), that raises the price of the federally-sponsored sayonara to $1.1 billion to $1.3 billion. But don’t worry, ’cause Fritz feels their pain and promises this is the last last time GM will downsize.

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As the news of Hummer’s sale to a widely unknown Chinese maker of cement mixers and bridge pontoons hit the wires, James Taylor was on a plane to Chengdu, China. The city, close to the golden triangle was hitherto more famous for its illicit substances and certain kinds of clubs. Now, it will be Hummer Central. Hummer CEO James Taylor (no relation to Sweet Baby James), went to Chengdu to shake hands with his new employers. They’ll keep him for now.

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