See? I knew Sam Abuelsamid’s cross-country trek in an Audi Q7 TDI would ultimately descend into farce. On the positive side (at least for Sam): his most recent epistle has made it straight onto Autoblog, as opposed to languishing on the Autobloggreen side of the biz. On the negative side (at least for Audi): it’s got nothing whatsoever to do with Audi, diesels or fuel economy. It’s all about… a Porsche Carrera GT! I find it hard to believe that Sam reckoned he should abandon his oil burning focus to blog a “spotted in the wild” 11mpg (combined) V10-engined supercar. (Hence the reason Autobloggreen forgot to include this report in its Audi Mileage Marathon canon.) But then I know how the transcontinental thing can scramble your brains– even without popping black beauties and listening to Teenage Nervous Breakdown on a Nakamichi cassette deck. Ah, those were the days. Anyway, Sam shouldn’t have been so surprised to discover the car in Arkansas. It’s one of the fastest ways out of Kansas. Just kidding; the Sunflower State rocks! Well, the band did…

The lovable dudes at Jalopnik are usually too busy trying to shoehorn Hemis into Datsuns or photoshopping NSFW dragon-on-car action to comment at length on the sad state of the American car industry. When they do, Jalop-in-Chief Ray Wert is usually trying too hard to love all God’s internal-combustion children equally to live up to TTAC’s lofty standards of callin’-it-like-it-is. Hell, the “industry apologist” label might even stick on Wert, thanks to his proliferation of the “Not A Bailout” meme just a few short months ago. But time has a funny way of bringing even the most fun-loving of auto enthusiasts around to the TTAC perspective. In response to GM’s stock price free-fall, Wert has penned a lengthy piece calling on GM to declare bankruptcy. At least he had the decency to begin the piece by acknowledging “I’m not the first person to say it.” With that qualification aside, Wert proceeds to spit hot fire. “The pundits saying ‘bankruptcy is not an option’ are completely ignorant of the facts, living in an alternate reality or parroting the GM PR public line (a line I don’t begrudge GM for pushing given the need to be positive or else face a rush for the hills), because let’s be clear here — if the marketplace for credit does not change in the next year, bankruptcy is not only an option, it’s the only option.” And, says Wert channeling his inner Robert Farago (circa 2005), bankruptcy shouldn’t be feared. “Any form of court-mandated reorganization allows GM to reevaluate all sorts of deals — like the one recently signed with the UAW, with suppliers and most importantly, with creditors seeking repayment on the $43 billion in debt and $80 billion in other liabilities on the books at the General — potentially allowing the automaker to wipe some of that out.” Interminable sentences aside, Wert’s got a point. Better late than never.

After our last exciting episode of “How Many MPGs Can Autoblog’s Sam Abuelsamid Achieve Whilst Driving an Audi Q7 TDI Across the Country Very Very Slowly,” TTAC commentator EEGeek wondered WTF I was on about. He confessed to being “genuinely mystified as to why this topic warrants so many posts.” As my pinball machine’s genie says, “This amuses me.” I mean, c’mon, what could possibly be more boring than Sam’s auto blog? Yes, I know: it’s virtually impossible to write an exciting post about a boring subject. And I have the 320 page views to prove it. But this whole Audi Mileage Marathon thing is surreal. A deadly dull PR event to promote a technology that you can’t really buy in the States, whose future is, at best, uncertain. All while the U.S. economy goes to Hell in a hand basket. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, this particular AB post is easily the best in the series (currently confined to Autobloggreen). Two reasons. First, it’s mind-blowingly trivial. And two, it highlights an automotive journalist named Denise McCluggage. Who are you bringing with you in the A3 TDI? McCluggage. No, I said “who” not “what.” Priceless stuff. Well, for me.

It’s cruel, I tell you, cruel! The moment Autoblog’s Sam Abuelsamid steps out of the office for an all-expenses-paid transcontinuental trek in a diesel Audi, green auto news hits the autoblosphere, rendering his journey something less than interesting. No wait, I mean, important. Or is it both? Anyway, in this case, Audi– the self same company that organized this non-event– have announced that they’re going to build an electric-powered version of their up! up! with people! minicar. “Last week at the Paris Motor Show, management board member Peter Schwarzenbauer reportedly confirmed that again to Britain’s AutoCar magazine.” And who covers this development, and leaves Mr. Abuelsamid’s Day 3 report off its AM Autoblog blogroll? Autobloggreen! When the guys back at the office ignore you on the third day of your story, you know you’ve been SITB. Hey Sam! How about blogging this bad boy for us? I mean if the highest average speed was 51mph, and you’re going from NYC to CA via Chicago, there’s still plenty of time left.

Detroit’s movers and shakers have a chip on their shoulder larger than the Rock of Gibraltar. They feel besieged, besmirched and belittled by the feds and liberal elites. Of course, that was BEFORE the Beltway Boys lavished bailout bucks on Motown’s moaners to retool their factories to build better cars than their competitors. Detroit’s playing kissy-face with their former antagonists now, right? Wong. “Clearly, now that Washington is loaning Detroit auto makers $25 billion to begin repenting their evil ways, legislators will try to turn the fuel-economy screws tighter so they can limit the number of unhealthy vehicle choices General Motors, Ford and Chrysler are able to sell weak-willed consumers.” Well, duh! What part of CAFE doesn’t WardsAuto scribe Drew Winter not understand (other than, you know, the actual regulations)? The part where everyone does the same thing, apparently. “When I see pictures of them [Chevy Volt, Toyota Prius], I can’t tell them apart. It reminds me of Soviet-era central planning. Yes, all these cars further The State’s goals of reducing carbon emissions and consumption of foreign oil, but comrade, they look boring and not everyone can drive one… Forgive us for our decadent and unhealthy choices, oh wise members of the new Washington Automotive Politburo. Fast red convertibles and big utility vehicles are the opiate (or tobacco) of the people. But this still is America, where people should be allowed to buy what they want and auto makers should be allowed to make a few dollars off our human weakness. Pretend the profits are from something politicians like, such as casino gambling. This still is a capitalist society after all. At least, it still was at press time.” Wow.

The Detroit Free Press’ Mark Phelan is one of Motown’s most reliable cheerleaders. So it was no surprise when Phelan gushed all over the new Ford Flex back in August. “The 300,000-plus people who used to buy Ford Explorer SUVs every year are the group who will decide whether the Flex experiment pays off. If 80,000 to 120,000 of them year plunk down $35K or more for the Flex, Ford’s future immediately starts to look brighter.” Notice the if? Ah, but then… “It should.” Anyway, big whoop. Phelan does this shit for a living. But why did fellow Freep Sarah Webster shiv Phelan in this morning’s paper? “Boxy Ford Flex isn’t selling as expected in brutal market” is the most ambivalent mea culpa I’ve ever encountered (other than Richard Nixon’s remarks to David Frost). Phelan’s fellow scribe starts by cataloguing the carnage. “Earlier this year, {Ford marketing maven Jim] Farley said Ford hoped to sell between 70,000 and 100,000 of the Flex crossovers annually. At its current selling rate, though, Ford would sell about 24,000 a year.” Then she recaps Phelan’s positive review, and other positive reviews, and customers’ positive reviews. So what gives? Bad marketing! Cue Farley’s black-is-white PR thing: “Farley said the market conditions are so bad that it’s tough to tell how the Flex would be selling otherwise. Putting aside the lower-than-expected sales volume, Farley said the Flex has actually been a success.” In other words, the operation’s a success but the patient’s dead. Focus people! Focus!

We’ve got this Green.MSN.com website.
So let’s do something with it! I hear this hypermiling thing is big.
It sure is. What is it?
No idea. Some crap about getting great mileage without having a hybrid.

“When you first start hypermiling, I find, you really wish you had someone to ride along with you to show you the ropes. Sadly, that’s not yet an option for most people. Until then, we can learn from some of the best.” Rather than suggest you not play with fire (like turning off your car while coasting, thus killing your power brakes), MSN asks self-confessed “efficiency nerd” Darin Cosgrove some broad questions and calls it good. I repeat: the article does not contain a single tip (although you now know to avoid Darin Cosgrove at parties). Not only is the article useless, but it is part of the irresponsible practice of telling people they should do something dangerous without even understanding it completely, or having someone “show them the ropes.”

Yes, British funnyman Jeremy Clarkson’s knee-jerk anti-Americanism jerks my chain. (If it’s supposed to be funny, how come I’m not laughing?) But, anti-elistist that I am, Ride Lust’s contribution to the top ten genre– “Top 10 Everyday Things People Do To Ruin Their Cars“– is worse. Vito Rispo’s dietribe [sic] begins by dissing the geography skills of what Bill O’ Reilly oleaginously refers to as “the folks.” “Two thirds of all Americans aged 18-24 cannot find Iraq on a map; 33% couldn’t identify Louisiana; 47% couldn’t find India; 75% think English was the most widely spoken language in the world. People are idiots, and this isn’t a uniquely American phenomenon, it’s worldwide. The majority of human beings on Earth are stone dumb. Being dumb, most people do dumb things, like unknowingly destroy their car.” English “was” the most widely spoken language? It’s my firmly held belief that people are like any other animal: exactly as smart as they need to be. No more, no less. Anyway, I challenge TTAC’s Best and Brightest (hoisted by my own elitist petard!) to point out the fallacies within Mr. Rispo’s riposte. Or is that rip post?

Be still my beating heart. Autoblog’s Sam Abuelsamid is about to live blog (nearasdammit) Audi’s Mileage Marathon. Yes, he’ll be in one of 23 diesel-powered Audis that will “roll out from Manhattan’s Tavern on the Green on a trans-continental trek to demonstrate diesel efficiency.” While I respect anyone with the patience and anal retentivity needed to hypermile for at least three days– in the same sense that I respect anyone who can conjugate Latin verbs– I predict this won’t go well. And I don’t mean “won’t go well” as in something exciting will happen. More like how can a hypermiler do his or her stuff with 22 other vehicles surrounding them? Not to mention the quandry of achieving high mileage when your 23-strong fleet must accomodate over 200 journalists. And what of Justin’s suspicion that the TDIs don’t really count, as they’re Euro-spec ringers? Anyway, who cares? As we’ve reported here ad infinitum, the diesel engine thing is on the wane in Europe, and hamstrung stateside by fuel prices and an oil burning engine price premium. The most important question here: will Audi be flying Sam and his mpg-seeking cohorts back to the East Coast in coach, business or first? And how much fuel will that burn?

Jeremy Clarkson’s review for the Sunday Times reverses his usual formula. Normally, Jezza’s prose travels from the general to the specific, often reaching its rhetorical destination so late in the process that the car bit seems like afterbirth. I mean, an afterthought. The curmudgeon’s criticism of the Chrysler Sebring is, of course, pith-compliant. And entirely deserved. But as Top Gear’s alpha heads for home, he launches into yet another attack on the U.S. “Because America is a new country, the people who live there have no sense of history. And if you have no concept of ‘the past’, it is extremely difficult to grapple with the idea of ‘the future’. If you think a bar established in 1956 is ‘old’ then you will not understand the idea of next week. So why bother building for it? We see this short-termism in everything from the average American house, which falls over whenever the wind gets up, to the way chief executives are treated… And this brings me on to the war in Iraq. They went in there, knowing that pretty quickly they could depose Saddam Hussein. But nobody in power stopped for a moment to think about what might happen next. And there you have it. The insurgency problem in Baghdad and the wonky gearlever on the Chrysler Sebring. They are both caused by exactly the same thing.” Sort of like the British Empire and the island nation’s domestic car brands.

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Stephan Wilkinson reckons I should leave Washington Post car critic Warren Brown alone. While I respect the former Car and Driver editor and occasional TTAC contributor’s opinions on what constitutes a suitable target for our editorial ire, Brown’s ode to the Jetta TDI deserves special attention. Not because it’s another example of the nominal critic’s abject inability to maul a P.O.S. (e.g. Chevy Aveo) or his ongoing support for spending your tax dollars on Motown’s incompetence. No, this example of Brown’s writing is notable for its 17th century rhetorical style and sexual subtext. “An undergraduate theology professor once advised me to avoid expressing love for inanimate objects. His argument was that non-living things, including those with motors and engines, lack souls. Things without souls are incapable of loving or being loved, he said. I finished his course with a B-, mostly because I consumed inordinate amounts of time in papers and classroom discussions trying to prove him wrong. That professor is long gone from the halls of Xavier University of Louisiana, as am I. But with your forbearance, dear reader, I wish to continue the argument. Consider the turbo-diesel-powered, 2009 Volkswagen Jetta sedan. I hereby stipulate that it is an inanimate object in the generic sense of the term, normally incapable of movement or direction without human input, worthless without fuel or battery. Yet, I submit to you that it is quite capable of engendering human affection akin to love.” Oy vey.

Well, what do you expect from a website called “Ford Muscle?” Still, it’s an interesting take on why it’s a good idea to turn your garden variety Ford into a fire-breathing, gas-guzzling, tail-happy monster. “Our hobby is comprised mostly of motivated individuals that choose productivity and participation over fantasy football, the sofa, and ESPN,” polemicist Jon Mikelonis maintains. “In our ‘sport’ we bend, twist, lift, kneel, squat, roll, struggle, and overcome forces, but most importantly our hobby requires us to be off the couch. Sure, a lot of us enjoy watching sports but the fact that we choose to physically rebuild, modify, or restore cars, automatically puts us in a class outside of those who spend their leisure time idly watching, measuring, and comparing somebody else’s successes and failures.” Mikelonis takes it outside. “While there’s no formal validation or research that working on your car qualifies as exercise, many parallels can be made with gardening and yardwork, an activity that has been studied, researched, and touted as legitimate exercise.” Justin will be happy to learn that the article ends with a discussion of the evils of high fructose corn syrup. And did you know that commenting on TTAC may help maintain brain function? Now if it only didn’t raise your blood pressure…

While no one doubts GM’s constant assertion that their new cars are better than their old cars, they company tends to downplay their relative excellence or lack thereof. In that sense, the Chevy Traverse has a couple of mountains to climb. First: GM’s three other Lambda-based (i.e. badge engineered) crossovers: Buick Enclave, GMC Acadia, Saturn Outlook. Detroit Free Press reviewer Mark Phelan begins by tackling that issue side on. “Buoyed by an exceptionally clean and attractive design, appealing features, good fuel economy and a competitive price, the Traverse will probably outsell the other three put together.” Is that a good thing? (Here be cannibals.) Phelan barge poles the issue. And for good reason: “I tested a nicely equipped front-drive Traverse LT2 that stickered at $33,515 and had no options.” But seriously folks, Phelan’s ultimate– in fact only– argument for the Traverse’s supremacy is its relative fuel economy. “The front-drive Traverse’s EPA rating beats the Veracruz and CX-9, just edges the Pilot and matches the Flex. It trails the Highlander by 1 m.p.g. in both city and highway driving, which works out to an extra $145 in annual gasoline bills, by the EPA’s calculation.” So that’s alright then. Game over! “Style, value, practicality and comfort. That’s another four aces, and this hand has been played. The Chevrolet Traverse wins. Competing automakers can push their chips to the middle of the table and wait for the next deal.” When I can I play poker with this guy? Meanwhile, TTAC’s Michael Karesh pits the Traverse against the Flex— and watch both automakers fold.

Back in the day, I mistakenly asked Gary Witzenburg to write for TTAC. The aftermath was… intense. To this day, Witzenburg remains the only [non-spam] person I’ve ever banned from my email account. Even though I knew Gary was wrapped a little tight on the whole stop picking on the domestic automakers deal, I never suspected that the former GM spinmeister would make an entire career out of defending the indefensible. Nor would I have predicted that he would make Autobloggreen his spiritual home. But there he is, and his most recent rant could well be his magnum opus. Witz begins with a long defense– of GM, the EV-1 and his own career– that puts Richard M. Nixon’s “My Mother Was a Saint” resignation speech to shame. And then we’re off into the lazy journalist’s favorite format: Q & A. A highly edited Steve asks “What I cannot fathom is how all three auto manufacturers fell into the big-car trap. This happened before in the 1970s – fuel prices went up and U.S. automakers were left with obsolete product lines.” Gary responds “Come on, Steve, they’re not making sandwiches.” Seriously, this is a fascinating read, on many levels. Just imagine Jack Nicholson playing Gary Witzenburg, insert expletives where needed (everywhere) and you’re there.