There was a time when TTAC had excellent access to press cars; back when we were flying under the radar. And then I mentioned the striking similarity between the Subaru B9 Tribeca’s front end and a vagina. But even when I had a first-class seat on the four-wheeled gravy train, my local supplier had trouble feeding my Jones this time of year. The seasonal drought came courtesy of the North American Car and Truck of the Year Award (NACOTY). The peer-selected jurors– many of whom never met a junket they didn’t not disclose– get first crack at week-long stints in, well, everything. This despite the fact that winning the award is no guarantee of sales success– and can someone please explain how the Chevy Malibu won the ’08 gong when it’s a mild reskin of the NACOTY award-winning Saturn Aura? In short, I’m not a big fan. While we gear-up for TTAC’s Ten Worst awards, it’s still interesting to see what all these middle-aged (plus) white men think constitutes automotive excellence. Shortlist, cars: Audi A4, BMW 1 Series, Cadillac CTS-V, Dodge Challenger, Ford Flex, Honda Fit, Hyundai Genesis, Jaguar XF, Lincoln MKS, Mazda 6, Nissan GT-R, Pontiac G8, Toyota Venza, Volkswagen Jetta TDI. Shortlist trucks: BMW X6, Chevrolet Traverse, Dodge Ram, Ford F-150, Honda Pilot, Infiniti FX35/50, Kia Borrego, Mercedes-Benz ML320 BlueTec, Nissan Murano, Saturn 2-Mode Hybrid, Subaru Forester, Volkswagen Tiguan.

“The most striking element of the SS’ interior is the shiny plastic door panels and dash trim that matches the two-tone black and leather seats, with contrast stitching. It’s very racy, and should tie in nicely to the SS badges fore and aft.” I don’t know about you, but that’s it. I’m done with the “new” Chevrolet Camaro. I tried to maintain my interest, I swear. I even went to the Transformers movie and thought, why do they put so much salt on my popcorn? I already bought a bucket o’ Coke. Sorry. I mean, how can a Hollywood agent say the words “Shy La Boeuf is perfect for the role” with a straight face? I mean, when can I buy a new Camaro? To which the obvious answer is… never. I can never buy one. Not now. Not later. Never. Not only will GM not sell me one, they’ll never have one to sell. Meanwhile, when Autoblog gets down to the level of plastic door panels, well, who really gives a shit? Volt aside, is this the most over-hyped car never made? Yes, yes, Mikey; I know. You’re ready to build the Camaro prototype with your hands tied behind your back, blindfolded (as per GM policy). It’ll be better screwed together than Megan Fox (real name Lavinia Nussbaum). It’ll be light as a feather (well), nimbler than a Lavinia (well) and more fuel efficient than the 70’s version (well). But for God’s sake Autoblog, STOP PIMPING THIS CAR.

Forget the Colbert Report, the real comedy arrives when Maximum Bob comes in contact with uncontrived Canadian earnestness. George Stroumboupoulos gazes deep into the Car Czar’s eyes and asks him “what happened to the North American auto business,” with all the bewilderment the question deserves, Lutz fumbles around a bit before hitting the punchline. Not enough taxes! Seriously folks, the lack of European-style taxation and investment in mass transit created a “Darwinian Environment” in which people demanded large V8 vehicles. But Mr Lutz, didn’t Detroit benefit from cheap gas? And what do you say to those who accuse automakers of colluding with Big Oil? “If there is a conspiratorial relationship between the oil companies and the automobile companies, could we see our 50 percent please?” deadpans Lutz. Ba-doom-boom! Anyway, GM does sell small, high-technology, high-efficiency cars– in Europe. ‘Cause Americans won’t pay for them. Having “just looked at the numbers,” Lutz said the average Swiss transaction price on GM products was $42k. Switzerland? When George confronts Lutz with his “global warming is a crock of shit” quip, MB lashes out at his quotee and insists he must “plead the fifth amendment.” “You’re in Canada!” George reminds MB, and then draws the Czar into his sunspot rant. Up next: Vegas! [Thanks to emro for the link]

Oh GM Fastlane blog, how you wow us with your weak-wristed defenses of GM’s endless parade of missteps. The latest round of apologia (appallogia?) is a shameless response to widespread autoblogosphere criticism of the decision to bring the Aveo-cannibalizing Pontiac G3 stateside. And it’s good to the last drop of brand-destroying denial, utilizing GM’s now-trademark “myth-and-debunking” format. Jim Hopson of Pontiac communications asks himself if the G3 isn’t “just a re-badged Chevy Aveo.” His answer? Toyota brand-engineers Lexus, so it must be fine. Looks like someone needs to catch-up on the differences between platform-sharing and brand-engineering. Speaking of Toyota, will the G3 steal sales from the Vibe? Hopson argues that the comparison is like saying the Corvette and Yugo overlap because they both have four wheels. Nice. How can the G3 be a Pontiac? “Because it’s sporty and fun-to-drive when compared to many of the cars in its segment.” Besides, it has the lowest price and highest efficiency of any other Pontiac, an achievement on par with being the “best microbrew in Utah.” Even the usually-credulous FastLane commenters aren’t having any of it, chiming-in with opinions that follow the basic sentiment “I can not believe how stupid this is.” Neither can we.

As our airplane began its final approach into Atlanta’s Hartsfield airport, we flew over the muddy outlines of an enormous new housing development. Phase I was attached. There wasn’t a single construction worker, car or human to be seen. Later, driving through the city’s outskirts, we passed dozens of these brand new ghost ‘burbs. It looked as if someone had detonated a neutron bomb, or unleashed a killer virus. Of course, someone had. Easy credit. And anyone who thinks the new car market is headed for a recovery simply isn’t paying attention.

During our Jeep Cherokee-enabled whistle stop tour of 17 dealers on the way north, we found most GM stores as lonely and hungry as an abandoned wolf cub. The majority of the showrooms were the automotive equivalent of those “starting in the 100’s!” housing tracts– only not as new. No surprise there…

Back when GM was offering zero percent financing to anyone with a pulse (i.e. buyers with low FICO credit scores), we flagged the fact that there would be a reckoning. Clearly, GM’s enthusiasm for putting people into cars they couldn’t afford was bound to boomerang. And so it has. A fetid flotilla of whipped whips is back on GM’s books. This number grows larger with each passing day, with each economic shock. The repo men have never been so busy.

This super-abundance doesn’t include the existing “glut:” the millions of would-be GM customers who are so far backwards on their existing car loan that they won’t be buying another new car for a long, long time. (If ever.) What’s more, the hidden engine of GM’s sales– endless sheaves of bad paper– is kaput. “We’re not writing any GMAC loans,” a dealer told me. “None.” God knows what impact that’s having on GM’s captive finance unit, but it can’t be good. Meanwhile, dealers are turning to local banks for their loans.

And “financially challenged” customers are returning to scary-ass corner lots. We stopped at four of these Hell holes, and they’re doing land-office business. (They eyed our 127k-mile Laredo with obvious rapaciousness.) The lots cater to people who need wheels, any wheels, now. These dealers, who specialize in high interest loans, report that cash ‘n carry is king. It’s a ridiculously small sample upon which to base a conclusion, but the trend, should it exist, doesn’t bode well for GM, whose low-end products are not-so-cheap and certainly not cheerful.

More anecdotal evidence: plenty of GM’s [supposedly] new car dealerships have used cars– many of them non-GM)–lining the street at the front of store. (This is doubly true for Chrysler.) The principal of one of the Chevy dealers told me he now considers himself a used car dealer; new cars are a loss leader. Literally. “Have a look back chair,” he said, waving at a lot full of new pickups. “I’m not ordering any new vee-hicles. Nun.”

GM’s numbers don’t jive with the reality we discovered on the ground. The automaker reports that all of its mainstream models fall below a 100-days’ supply. The most recent sales per franchise numbers are in. While they suck, they’re up: Saturn (47), Chevy (46), GMC (19), HUMMER (13), Cadillac (11), Pontiac (nine) and Saab and Buick (six each). And somewhere in the middle of his campaign for bailout bucks (a.k.a. low-interest federal loans for retooling), GM CEO Rick Wagoner said September’s sales stats will be in-line with this summer’s suffering.

Fleet sales? Fire sale fallout (i.e. lots of sales, little profit)? Closing dealers dumping inventory? Channel stuffing? TTAC’s Frank Williams is on the case. Meanwhile, our southern sojourn left us with an overall impression that the worst is yet to come.

Why wouldn’t it? Like their customers, GM and their captive finance unit GMAC have literally mortgaged their future. Both companies may delude themselves with talk of a market recovery, gently pushing it further and further into the distance as events unfold, but the truth is they’ve only begun to experience the fallout of their own short-sightedness. As credit tightens, as the economy reels, as gas prices continue to push the market into more frugal machines (where the competition has a huge advantage), GM faces a bleak future.

There is but one silver lining to this: GM’s bloated dealer network is contracting. The automaker doesn’t discuss such unseemly events, but we’ve seen the husks. There will be more failures to follow. But here’s the really scary thing: GM is not prepared for, nor welcomes the change.

Bill Heard (a.k.a. “Mr. Volume” or “that bastard”) closed its Arizona Chevrolet franchise yesterday. “It’s in a good area, and the store has a lot of traffic,” GM spinmeister Susan Garontakos said. “GM intends to keep it open.” Volume over profit? Time for a trip out West.

Surprise! The Detroit News published not one, not two but THREE PR puff pieces to accompany the “launch” of GM’s plug-in electric – gas hybrid Volt– an unveiling that’s two years ahead of sales (where IS that Camaro?). Scott Burgess gets the top slot, with “Jolting expectations: Inviting electric car is rare example of reality outdoing the concept.” Burgess begins his ode to Voltage by discounting the discrepancy between the endlessly touted concept car and the now-endlessly touted (if non-functional) “production” version. Yada, yada, yada. “GM has pushed through every checkpoint and remains on schedule to deliver a car that is a true game-changer.” Next up: “Volt turnaround proves U.S. automakers’ mettle” by Auto Editor Manny Lopez. “Any questions about what the American auto industry can do were answered Tuesday at the Renaissance Center when a production model of the Chevrolet Volt rolled into the automotive universe.” You know, other than “can you guys avoid bankruptcy?” “Is the Volt the answer?” Manny pretends to ask. “Not alone. But when paired with other new products such as the Chevy Cruze, which GM says will get 45 miles per gallon, or the Ford Fiesta or the next generation pickups from all three automakers, the domestic industry’s offerings look pretty good.” KBISFB. And finally, Robert Snell’s more news-oriented take (hence it’s postition at the bottom of the deck). Snell simply repeats all the suits’ n’ analysts’ hype, finishing with a bit of unintentional foreshadowing. “”It is not a niche product,” Alex Cattelan, the Volt’s assistant chief engineer opines. “It is the tip of the iceberg.”

But HOW will it be remembered? TTAC has more than a few automotive historians in our midst. They’re ready, willing and able to identify and anlyze the key moments in the company’s history, leading from complete market and (arguably) world dominance to lost market share and the brink of bankruptcy. (Think how many Death Watches there’d be if we’d started with the dismissal of the federal anti-trust suit that would have liberated Chevrolet from GM.) As we head towards GM’s 100th (tomorrow), The General’s spinmeisters are doing their damndest to promote a corporate history that shows strength, innovation and, above all, continuity (i.e. non-bankruptcy). But not every media outlet is The Detroit News. Some are willing to chronicle the catastrophe, albeit without editorial comment. The AP plays it straight, letting the facts speak for themselves. If history is written by the winners, GM PR’s take will not be triumphant. But it will be interesting.

At least this time GM’s Car Czar is sticking to PR Supremo Steve Harris’ talking points. Namely, that The General makes some kick ass cars so give us an effing break (and/or $25b worth of federal loans). On the occasion of 9/11, Maximum Bob Lutz (or his designated spin driver) uses the FastLane Blog to set-up a multiple choice test that proves one thing: nothing. The eight questions– one for each of GM’s U.S. brands, but not really– posit the kind of biased non-queries that would make a GM-friendly journalist blush (albeit only long enough to make his or her way to the open bar). The first three brain teasers challenge readers to rate three vehicles’ “initial quality”– which, as we’ve discussed here ad nauseam, doesn’t mean Jack shit. Number four asks us to believe that, as per the “premier automotive analysis site” (Edmunds), the Chevrolet Aveo is the most-economical car in America, taking into “account not only mileage but all costs” (above the Honda Fit and Toyota Prius). Question five DARES to quote Dan Neil, the auto writer whose prescient anti-GM rant “inspired” The General’s petulant PR folk to pull ALL the company’s advertising from the L.A. Times. Questions six, seven and eight trumpet journalistic circle jerk awards, ignoring sales slumps for the media-blessed vehicles. So, what did we learn? That GM is so busy tooting its horn it still can’t see that the bridge is out.

Hear that tearing sound? It’s Washington Post car critic Warren Brown’s last shred of credibility being ripped to pieces– by his own hand, no less. If there was a single pistonhead laboring under the [false] impression that Brown was anything other than a Detroit apologist, this review of the craptastic Chevy Aveo will tempt that person to cross over to the TTAC (i.e. dark) side. To wit: “Mediocrity done well honors the middle. The front-wheel-drive Aveo is done well.” Only the front cupholder sucks. So, in sum, “It no longer feels like a neglected child. But it doesn’t feel special. It’s okay, adequate. Therein rests the difference between going to market with a car that will enhance profits and one that will erode them. Consumers are willing to pay only so much for “adequate.” If asked to pay more, they’ll balk — or cross the retail industry’s River of Denial to buy something they deem worthy of a higher price.” Huh? What Warren’s trying to say: the Honda Fit murders Chevy’s Korean-built American revolutionary, but the Aveo’s cheaper. “And that, ironically, makes the Aveo a darned good deal. It’s a good car: reliable, serviceable and fuel-efficient. It’s not special. But it’s priced right.” Question: why is Warren comparing the Aveo5 to the Fit? [thanks to inept123 for the heads-up]

The internets have been abuzz with news that anti-environmentalists have vandalized Toyota Priora in the Golden State. Autobloggreen dutifully reports one hybrid flambée in July, and vaguely alludes to seven Priora attacks back in April. The site ends its blog with a condescending if PC plea: “Come on, people, this is ridiculous. Just because some SUV and some hybrid drivers act like jerks, that’s no reason to get violent. Let’s just live and let live.” Tracing the story back to Edmunds Inside Line, we learn “Violence Against Prius Hybrids Hits All-Time High.” Yes, “In the most brutal of a spate of attacks against the Japanese import this year, investigators concluded that a fire that consumed a newer Prius on a residential street in Los Angeles seven weeks ago was the work of an arsonist.” While the April outbreak seems real– “All of the [seven] attacks occurred at night while the cars were parked and unoccupied. Weapons included large rocks, bricks, and a motor vehicle used to ram a Prius”– are we sure there were no other vehicles involved? And connecting those dots to a single incident some three to four months later is a bit of a stretch. Common sense suggest that any coordinated “anti-green” group would claim responsibility for their actions. Maybe this last one was insurance fraud, or a neighborhhod vendetta, or… a technical glitch. Perhaps the police/Toyota suppressed vital information. Anyone care to speculate?

Jen Dunnaway, editor of the CarDomain blog writes this week:

“Yesterday in New On The Net, I poked a little fun at TTAC’s whiny diapers, and considering the gentleness of my goading, the results were nothing short of hilarious. Better yet, in the midst of the ensuing brouhaha, TTAC finally got some dealer to take pity on them and hand over the Challenger test car they’d been dreaming of! No need to thank us, guys, just enjoy that car.”

While “gentle goading” seems to be a self-identified strong suit for Ms. Dunnaway, reading is not. Our original story was not whining that a dealer wouldn’t give us a Challenger SRT8 to test drive: it was news that Dodge dealers are probably screwing themselves out of sales by denying actual shoppers a test drive of any Challenger, down to the lowly V6 model. So Ms. Dunnaway was 0 for 1. No big deal, surely she’d get it right on the second try, right? Erm, no. Sajeev drove a friend’s Challenger SRT8 for his review, not a dealership car. Oops, 0 for 2. As it happens, no dealer “took pity” on the fact that TTAC, because our insistence on integrity, is barred from access to Chrysler’s press fleet. Fortunately, Jen needs no pity to drive the Challenger – only a free plane ticket to One Lap of America in South Carolina, and a free hotel stay, free food, and then free time on the racetrack in a new Challenger (with free race gas) and some Dodge engineers. And all she had to do was say that the 4140 lb car “stuck to the track like it was on rails.”

Why the Hell would it? The U.S. “housing crisis” is far from over, money’s too tight to mention, getting credit’s a bitch and the consumer shift to more fuel efficient vehicles has left millions of SUV owners backwards/underwater on their loans. Amongst other things. Anyway, the idea that U.S. new vehicles sales have “bottomed-out” is a combination of wishful thinking and boilerplate bullshit, largely perpetuated by the weasel-word factory known as General Motors’ PR. (Show me ONE MONTH of sales gains and THEN we’ll talk.) As I wrote in my latest General Motors Death Watch, Automotive News [AN, sub] fell for– indeed perpetuated– this spinmeistery hook, line and sinker. In an attempt to atone for their shameless capitulation to Mark LaNeve’s mob, AN has followed-up with a micro-story on Toyota’s take on the American car market’s doldrums [via Reuters]. And here it is: “Despite signs of steadier U.S. auto sales in August, it remains uncertain whether industrywide sales in the largest vehicle market have hit bottom, Toyota Motor Corp. Vice Chairman Kazuo Okamoto said today. ‘It’s hard to say whether the U.S. market has hit bottom,’ Okamoto told reporters. Okamoto, speaking through a translator, also said that despite the recent decline in oil prices, Toyota, the world’s largest automaker, was still assuming oil prices would be higher over the long term as the basis for its product planning.”