There are plenty of reasons to believe that Chrysler will not survive, let alone thrive the way the firm’s five-year plan foresees, but one of them does not appear to be Sergio Marchionne’s leadership. Though there’s doubtless a good deal of hubris in his plan, Marchionne’s depth of knowledge, personal experience and legendary workaholism seem to indicate that, if nothing else, Chrysler’s leadership is lightyears away from the Bob Nardelli years. Considering he oversaw a turnaround of Fiat that was only slightly less improbable than his current turnaround mission, he’s about as qualified to take on the mess in Auburn Hills as anyone else. Here are his closing remarks from the seven-hour product and business plan event.

[powerpress]

Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska meets with Fritz Henderson, German Gref of Russia’s Sberbank and Siegfried Wolf of Magna. The state department had previously denied Deripaska a US visa for undisclosed reasons, but according to the WSJ, the FBI arranged for Deripaska to visit the US because “they were getting interesting information from him.” Deripaska denies any cooperation with US authorities.

I haven’t done this in 30 years. Young whipper-snappers showed me a thing or two. Let’s see them do this when they’re 77

Maximum Bob Lutz concedes defeat to TTAC’s Jack Baruth with dignity and a little feistyness. Cadillac is estimating Lutz will finish “in the top five or six.”

Bob Lutz savors his morning cup of Maximum, as he contemplates a wet, foggy day of racing at Monticello. Competitors will get five laps of the 3.5 mile track… assuming all those ponies at the rear wheels don’t leave Cadillacs scattered across the infield. Early practice video shows a CTS-V shouting at the devil on the main straight, but in these conditions the corners are the issue. Updates will be posted as they come in from our man behind the wheel, Mad Jack Baruth.

We’re not public yet but we will be and if we do our job that stock is going to have real value. We thought it was fair. We thought it was thoughtful

GM CEO Fritz Henderson comments on Pay Czar Kenneth Feinberg’s decision to dock his salary to a flinty $950,000. The AP reports Henderson’s total compensation could be worth $5.5m, apparently based on some unfathomable projection of GM’s IPO value. But Fritz is going to work for it. When asked if he’d read Steve Rattner’s magnum opus calling GM management “stunningly poor” and “perhaps the weakest finance operation any of us had ever seen in a major company,” Fritz’s responds in the affirmative…

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Bob Lutz is, apparently. So is Jack Baruth. But will the “V-Series Challenge” prove anything? Not so much. Nobody will be surprised when a CTS-V sets the fastest lap time of the event (at the hands of GM’s test-driver John Heinricy), or if Lutz’s god-knows-how-many practice laps brings his lap time lower than his challengers’. As we’ve said before, GM has set the terms of a battle it is nearly incapable of losing… but what of the war? Who cares what your top-of-the-line sedan is (even if it’s amazing, which TTAC readily admits it is) when your point of entry is the Aveo? Oh, and how much profit does the CTS-V make? Still, we can’t say no to a few hot laps on someone else’s dime. Do you know what a membership to Monticello costs?

My name is Robert Farago and I invented the nickname “Maximum” Bob Lutz. I crowned Bob with the title at the New York Auto Show, standing next to GM’s all powerful Car Czar at the urinal. I had no idea that a man could take that long to take a piss. You could spend GM’s entire development budget on niche vehicles in the time it takes Maximum Bob to empty his bladder. With similar results. I’m not saying Maximum Bob is old and decrepit, but when he offered to prostrate himself in front of the Presidential Task Force on Autos, he was asking them to fund an operation.

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Changes are coming to GM’s corporate ranks, likely as soon as government pay regulations are put into effect. CFO Ray Young’s departure is already a sure thing, and former car czarlet Steve Rattner has revealed that Fritz Henderson is an interim placeholder in everything but title. Oh, and Bob Lutz won’t last forever (gosh, that will be a sad day, won’t it?). Meanwhile, GM’s promote-from-within approach to culture change practically guarantees that some other denizen of the RenCen will move up at some point. Sweeping generalizations about GM management aside, is there anyone we should be particularly worried about? Autoextremist Peter DeLorenzo seems to think so. In his latest “rant” about Chevrolet’s decision to review its ad account, he skewers a particular GM executive in terms that make one almost believe he has given up his recent, lamentable role as GM’s resident cheerleader.

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Roast chicken, roast lamb, roast pork, roast beef, roast….Lutz? That’s right. The car world’s most favorite big mouth is going to get it shut, at least for an evening. Bob Lutz is being roasted in the name of the arthritis foundation of the United States. Maximum Bob is going to check his ego in at the door and have people shout barbed comments at him and all he can do is smile (a bit like when our own “Bob” Farago met him). In the past, comedy roasts have produced some great comments, my favorite being when Lisa Lampanelli said that Danny Bonaduce was the the only person in room who was in a good band (Gene Simmons was the guest of honor). Some comments have been very, very great but we couldn’t possibly print them on TTAC! So the question of the day is this: If you had to write one joke for Bob Lutz’ roast, what would it be? Here’s my entry: “It’s nice to see Bob Lutz and arthritis coming together. Normally, when Bob Lutz and cars come together, all the driver gets is rigor mortis!”. Thank you! I’ll be here all week!

[Ed: Roasters are said to include Fritz Henderson, Ed Wellburn, Jean Jennings, Brian Nesbitt and Brent DeWar… Jason Vines will be the MC. When asked if  a certain Robert Farago could contribute, either in person or in a video appearance, organizer Michelle Glazier said “We’re more or less selling things, not slamming things.” Pity.]

A far more popular choice than our “don’t these cars look vaguely similar?” collection.

Mark LaNeve’s career success at GM—moving from minor league Cadillac man to the head of S&M (Sales and Marketing)—is a text book example of GM’s obliviousness to the idea of accountability. Despite failing to resurrect Cadillac’s fortunes, despite helping Rick “Captain Queeg” Wagoner fondle his balls (read the book) as GM sank into bankruptcy, LaNeve didn’t go down with the ship. While his turf was carved-up post-C11, the beneficiary of the slice and dice was none other than failed Car Czar Bob Lutz, who assumed LaNeve’s marketing remit. Did LaNeve even take a salary cut? Don’t make me laugh. But if you do want to solicit a sad sort of chuckle, remind me that LaNeve is headed to Allstate. You’re in good hands? The man is bitching about his Escalade payment, having overseen the destruction of billions in shareholder value and the disappearance of thousands of dealers. See? If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny.

To: All GM Dealers

After 28 years in the auto business and 24 with GM, I can’t believe that beginning next week I will be doing something different than trying to sell cars and sweating out another month-end close.

It’s been a great ride to this point and I wouldn’t be leaving if not for a great opportunity in a great industry in a great town. To that end, Chicago is close enough to Detroit to make the relocation manageable and has outstanding special needs resources for my sons. In the meantime, I feel good that I’m departing at a time that GM is on the right track with great products, dealers and employees. A clean balance sheet for the first time in decades doesn’t hurt either.

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I don’t think Automotive News [sub] knows what to make of Chrysler. Applying the “anyone with half a brain” test to their ChryCo reportage, we can see that AN possess the requisite 50 percent cranial capacity. And yet, for better or worse , Detroit’s denizens are their homies. So, really, AN’s never too far from the Kool-Aid dispenser. The tension between what is and the hagiography surrounding Chrysler’s tight-lipped Canadian CEO is obvious in this morning’s article about management disco in Auburn Hills (DO the shuffle). “In June, CEO Sergio Marchionne elevated Peter Fong and Michael Accavitti to lofty positions in the new Chrysler Group — Fong as CEO of the Chrysler brand and Accavitti as CEO of Dodge. They lasted only four months before resigning last week. The abrupt changes signal that the hard-charging Marchionne doesn’t play by Detroit’s old-boy rules in his attempt to revive recently bankrupt Chrysler.” Either that or . . . chaos. [Your guess here.] Check this out, revealed in the irony-free subhead “Machionne’s Gospel” . . .

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On this Wednesday’s wailing wall, Autoextremist.com lambastes Motown’s marketeers for their cowardice and creative poverty—without naming names, providing egregious examples or suggesting rectification. “Automotive marketers are too often squeamish, risk-averse or clueless. There, I said it. Yes, at least 75 percent of the people involved in automotive marketing don’t know what the hell they’re doing – it’s a pathetic fact but it’s the High-Octane Truth.” Not in these parts it isn’t. You want the truth? DeLorenzo is guilty of the same timidity that he assigns to unnamed auto execs and their equally unidentified ad agencies. Where’s the indignation at GM for cutting Caddy’s cutting-edge ad agency adrift? Or some good-old-fashioned finger pointing at Bob Lutz, for his infinitely asinine decision to put Chairman Wiseacre at the front of the nationalized automaker’s laughable “May the best car win” ad campaign? Where’s Chrysler? What’s up with Ford’s epic failure to figure-out Lincoln? Someone show DeLorenzo how to sample crickets chirping. Meanwhile, truth be told, DeLorenzo’s dissing the competition for no greater goal than feathering his own nest . . .

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I think what I saw at Chrysler is what people felt when Iacocca was there. It’s a new level of energy and enthusiasm because there’s new leadership of people that know what they’re doing, of people that have been successful in the automobile manufacturing business.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood waxes eloquent about the New New Chrysler and its Iacoccian leader, Fiat’s Sergio Marchionne. Speaking at the Detroit Economic Club [via Automotive News [sub]] LaHood said Marchionne represents “the next generation of leaders for the American automobile industry.” But who’d have thought Detroit would have had to look outside of, well, Detroit for that? Luckily LaHood was able to ward off such awkward questions by simply stating that “Detroit is back.” Yeah, now that the Italians have taken over. Elsewhere in his Detroit visit, LaHood also pronounced “Taurus is back. Ford is back” after a test drive, confirmed that “high speed rail is not competition for cars,” and predicted Detroit would become a “Midwest cruise-ship capital.” TTAC is still trying to confirm rumors that Secretary LaHood has money on the Lions making the playoffs this year.

According to The Wall Street Journal [sub], GM CEO Fritz Henderson “was ‘surprised, frankly’ to learn that his sales lieutenant, Mark LaNeve, plans to leave GM next week, a move the CEO announced Wednesday.” In other news, “As he prepares GM for an initial public offering, Mr. Henderson plans to focus on accomplishing things the company has failed to do in the past: making solid margins on rental-car sales; differentiating the GMC truck brand so it doesn’t so closely mirror Chevrolet; and raising the average transaction price for Chevy’s small cars.” Not to mention Buick or Cadillac.