As if. Still the woman once awarded "the best breasts in Hollywood" nod by every hetrosexual male in America is over-the-moon in love with Honda's PR-mobile: the hydrogen fuel-cell-powered Clarity. "Our family is going to pay for the privilege of having the chance to show, by action, a car that is an alternative to gasoline," she told CBS News. Note: "is going to." Yes, CBS and Jamie Lee are hyping the Clarity before it's been delivered. And once again, the mainstream media is happy to talk about hydrogen fuel cell vehicles as if the liquified gas in their tanks is made by zero-emissions pixies. Hello? It takes energy to make hydrogen. And that means CO2 and plenty of it (solar shmolar). While we await numerous opportunities to highlight this inconvenient truth, CBS points out the echt drawback to JLC's Clarity and its hy-powered ilk. "But the real problem with these cars is keeping them filled up – there are very few fueling stations. Even here in Southern California with the greatest concentratrion [sic] of stations, there are still fewer than 20. In the meantime, [Vasilios] Manousiouthakis makes do. His [hydrogen-powered Mercedes] car can only travel 80 miles on a tank of fuel, and the nearest hydrogen station is 10 miles from his home. On this day, the fuel pump is broken. With the nearest hydrogen station another 10 miles away, Manousiouthakis knows his car won't make it. "I need desperately fuel right now. I'm literally on fumes so I cannot get out," he says.  It takes two men and a consultant on the phone to solve the problem. "It takes commitment," says Manousiouthakis. Or something. 

Now that Chrysler's HR honcho Nancy Rae has sent us a primer for pessimists, it's time for The Detroit Free Press to find some light at the end of the tunnel that doesn't look the headlight of an oncoming train. First the bad news, albeit with a light dusting of sugar coating. "Detroit's automakers are bleeding cash, despite massive cost-cutting and job reductions in recent years," Justin Hyde "reports." "And while each has socked away funds, the money will last only until 2010 at the latest unless the companies borrow to buy more time, analysts say." And then, hints of hope(tm)! "If you're looking for some sign of light in the gloom, there are glimmers. Unlike previous slumps, the vehicles built by Detroit's automakers are broadly on par with much of their competition. The landmark deal that will lead the UAW to take on health care for workers will free up cash in 2010, especially at General Motors Corp. All three companies are pushing new fuel efficient models, with side bets on more exotic technology such as plug-in hybrids." But even Hyde can't. "But a permanent cure — generating enough cash to pay their debts as they roll out new vehicles — appears unlikely before 2011, and another unexpected jolt could tear one or more of them asunder, analysts say." What corporate arrogance has created, let no market rent asunder? Good luck with that.

When GM's FastLane blog was first unleashed on suspecting surfers, we dismissed it as a PR exercise without, well, balls. PR puff pieces accompanied by camp followers' comments made it an exceedingly anodyne place to spend one's surfing time. Well it seems that some of the site's backwaters are getting pretty rough. KixStart drew our attention to an old post (February) about the Chevrolet Cobalt— a car whose excellence escapes just about anyone who's ever driven a Honda Civic. It starts with "Charlie" sticking it to the Cobalt vs. the Corolla but good. GM Powertrain's Dave Lancaster answers by ignoring all complaints (mpg, weight, speed) except Charlie's kvetch about the Cobalt's need for premium go-juice (recommended not required). It's the usual prevarication, but the comments includes a nightmare Cobalt customer non-satisfaction story, posted today. The tale ends with "I have vowed never to own or recommend a GM product again." Heady stuff. But is GM listening? And if they are, would they have deleted this comment? Will they? Over to you, Christopher Barger…

Now that Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli has recovered from his back injury (after bending over backwards to assure his employer that the ailing American automaker wasn't about to implode), Boot 'Em Bob's amped-up the PR. (No, I don't attribute the end of the radio silence to yesterday's Chrysler Suicide Watch.) Nardelli appeared on CNBC [reported via Bloomberg] to tell the world that ChryCo "had" $9b in the kitty last year. Let's see… a $1.6b loss last year, a catastrophic sales decline this year, the need for a multi-billion dollar float to keep the lights on, massive capital investment in competitive new small car products– oh wait, scratch that. The bottom line? "We're still in very good shape," Nardelli told the network. Yes, well, he would say that, wouldn't he? But what about this? "I have to take charge to get us through 2008 and make sure we are better positioned to 2009," Nardelli said. I have to take charge? Not I am taking charge? Uh-oh. Continuing the theme of decisiveness, Nardelli revealed to Reuters that Chrysler "may have to go back and resize" production. Ya think? The truck-heavy company's sales declined 19 percent so far this year.

"We, therefore, the undersigned citizens of the United States, petition the U.S. Congress to act immediately to lower gasoline prices (and diesel and other fuel prices)* by authorizing the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries." The 450k e-signatures on this petition at americansolutions.com indicate that a large number of Americans favor punching holes in The Land of the Free to free us from dependency on foreign oil. Chuck Norris, last seen supporting presidential candidate Mike Huckebee, is down with that. He's signed, and sent a far less pithy message to our Texas elected lawmakers: "Congress, get off your gas, and drill!" The bullet points ('natch) list restrictions on domestic oil production and some side effects (e.g. American Airlines going out of business.) "If there isn't a conspiracy going on here, someone needs to make a movie about one!" Norris announces, pimping for work. At least he's conciliatory at the end "Congratulations Congress – you're completely failing us."

The post-Black Tuesday world is an interesting place for media junkies looking to gauge the U.S. automotive press' level of sycophancy. Yesterday, we reported on Motor Trend's take on May's sales collapse: blame the victim (the American consumer). Or CAFE regs (the feds). Today, we present Warren Brown's analysis. And the first thing the Washington Post car columnist wants you to know: greens can't take credit for the death of the great American gas guzzler. "It is the world Hummer-haters said they wanted. It is the one for which legions of environmentalists and believers in the corrective powers of regulation lobbied. But here's suggesting that they had little to do with the current situation. When it comes to change in a capital-intensive industry such as the car business, money talks, and politics walks." High gas prices did the deed? OK, we'll buy that for a dollar (or four). But we're a little less convinced by Warren's corollary: chill. Brown says the domestics are switching gears to make money in the brave new world of $4+ gas. All will be well. "They [the transplants] have, therefore, a temporary advantage over GM, Ford and Chrysler in the current market shift from trucks to cars. But 'temporary' means just that. Domestic car companies are adjusting to fuel-price-induced changes much more quickly than vehicle sales numbers or media reports indicate." In fact, "The GM-Hummer relationship was never meant to be permanent." 

Motor Trend's Angus MacKenzie is pissed-off at the autoblogosphere for crapping on his advertisers' inability to predict the death of the great American gas guzzler. "Don't you love Monday morning quarterbacks? The blogosphere is in seven shades of schadenfreude this week as a shocked Detroit wipes away the blood in the aftermath of May's brutal sales slump: Why didn't Motown see this coming? We told them relying on big trucks and SUVs was a dumb idea. It was obvious gas prices were going to rise. Fire the idiots! Oh yeah? If you're reading this, I'll bet my 401k that like Rick Wagoner and company, four years ago you didn't figure you'd be paying over four bucks for a gallon of gas today. Because if you had, you would now be richer than Croesus, and lying on a tropical island somewhere, kicking back with a mojito or three, without a care in the world. Hey, we're all still writing blogs. We didn't see it coming this fast, either." Ah, this fast. And there's your Detroit excuse of the day, as laid out by GM CEO Rick Wagoner in this startling video. Oh, and this is all your fault. "Automakers grudgingly built the more fuel efficient cars the government ordered them to, but we bought gas-guzzling pickups and SUVs by the millions instead because, hey, gas was cheaper than water. Who needed to drive a girly gas-miser? So maybe we ought to ease up a little on the finger-pointing at Motown; the truth is we're all a little bit complicit here." Speak for yourself Angus. Oh wait…

When Fred Bredermeyer was 18, Chicago's Nikko Hotel gave him a job as a parking attendant. Little did the Indiana native know that he was about to embark on a career that would earn him the ultimate accolade from The International Parking Institute. Not only did Fred get the nod, but his department– the Miami Parking Authority (MPA) won "2008 Parking Organization of the Year." Obviously, I had to call Fred to congratulate him on his victory and find out what it takes to stand at the pinnacle of parking profession. There's lot of blockbuster info in the podcast, but here's a couple of off-the-air tidbits. Fred doesn't know if the Sunshine State's license test includes parallel parking and "Miami doesn't have a parking problem. It has a walking problem." Oh, and I forgot to tell Fred that "put my money in your meter baby, so it won't run down" is one of my favorite lyrics of all time. So now he knows.

I haven't had an email from my favorite ascot-wearing automotive journalist in quite some time. Yesterday, I held off pinging Jerry– i.e. blogging his Forbes' rant "What Auto Recession?" In this well-timed work, the automotive essayist argued that healthy sales abroad are a suitable salve for domestic doyennes depressed by Black Tuesday. I let it be, because it's so not true. On any level. Today, Mr. Flint has a prescription for Detroit. "Time for Plan B" reads a bit like Plan 9 From Outer Space. Step 1: luxury cars. "Instead of milking big SUVs for profits, Detroit needs to build more cars rich folks will pay big money to own." Step 2: export. "The U.S. is turning into a lower-cost production base… If Detroit can build a serious export business, it will expand the variety of cars it can profitably build." Step 3: build $30k economy cars. "Look at the Prius hybrid-electric vehicle: Without the fancy powertrain, it’s a $16,000 Toyota. Yet buyers wait in line to pay $26,000 for it." As I pointed out in yesterday's GM Death Watch, it's at least three years too late for Detroit to do anything but suffer. Still, it's nice to know our man Flint's thinking outside reality the box. 

And so they did. GM's stock price rose today, after scribe Vito Racanelli penned an opus entitled "Buy GM." "On the long side, General Motors now seems suited mainly for one group — bold investors who hope to eventually double their money but can afford to lose it all if their wager goes awry. The good news for GM fans: Despite the misery that the car maker is experiencing and might endure for another 12 to 18 months, such a wager ultimately should pay off." Racanelli then presents a litany of GM's financial "challenges," combined with a regurgitation of GM's party line (i.e. things suck now, but won't later). Racanelli's not-quite-as-guarded-as-it-seems recantation of The General's Volt hype exemplifies the analysis. "But if the Volt succeeds — and, yes, Wagoner's stated delivery deadline won't be easy to meet — GM will steal a march on its big Japanese competitor. And, says Elizabeth Lowery, GM's vice president of environment, energy and safety policy: 'The Volt is just a piece of it.' She says that the company is launching eight hybrids this year — more than any other company — and 16 over the next four years." Sixteen? "'Enormous' is the word that Csaba Csere, editor-in-chief of Car and Driver magazine, uses to describe GM's progress. 'Their cars look good on the outside, have a luxurious sense inside and drive well,' says Csere, whose publication used to routinely blast the General's vehicles." Etc. Look for the "Racanelli" effect to disappear when GM's May sales are revealed tomorrow– with or without Rick Wagoner's new new turnaround plan. 

Steve Levy, over at Autofiends.com, has encountered the Tesla in person in Los Angeles. The lithium-ion -powered sports car was driven by none other than your sister's favorite actor, Matt Damon (who does a killer Matthew McConaughey impression). Levy spoke with Damon, who claimed the car was still a prototype. Damon said the off-the-line acceleration sucks, but the 30 – 60 acceleration is like light speed. Range? Unknown. Recharge time? Unknown? Is Damon going to buy one? Well, of course. But is it even on sale yet? That's hard to say. But if even Damon gets an unfinished prototype to tool around in, it's not sounding good for Tesla. So was the end of the Tesla Birthwatch premature? It seems like it might have been. Then again, this is a functional (mostly) prototype. You know what the take away lesson here is? Even Matt Damon, with all his money, has questionable taste in cars.

The internets are abuzz with the "revelation" that Chrysler-owner Cerberus has sold off more than half of its investment in the ailing American automaker and lender GMAC to about 90 other investors. The only problem with this story: timing. As Reuters puts it (and The Detroit Free Press neglects to mention) "The timing of those transactions was not clear." IIn other words, it's a non-story. But not completely. For one thing, Cerberus' limited exposure to the two companies makes it easier for them to bail; it explains Cerberus' stated decision not to top-up GMAC with the $600m it needs to stave-off bankruptcy. Second, the story's original source, The Financial Times, paints an unintentionally humorous portrait of unbridled greed. "Most of those joining the GMAC deal in 2006 did not have much time to do their due diligence. Instead, Cerberus invited about 50 hedge funds to its Park Avenue office for a presentation by its chief administrative officer, Seth Plattus. 'It was a 'trust me' kind of trade,' says one investor, who bought a small piece of GMAC. 'You had no time to do real due diligence. But it was a hot deal and everybody wanted in as part of the gang.' Many of the people who took part in the deal were friends of Steve Feinberg, founder of Cerberus, and said they invested as a sign of faith in him… 'There was an element of the greater fool theory to it.'"

UPDATE [via Automotive News] "Cerberus has not sold any equity in Chrysler," said the Chrysler official speaking on condition of anonymity. "There are always co-investors at the time of the transactions so when they originally purchased 80.1 percent of Chrysler, there were co-investors at that time. They still own 80.1 percent."

"Despite GM's troubles, Mr. Fisher, a former Eastman Kodak Co. chairman, said the board supports Mr. Wagoner and believes GM has the 'best management team to get us through these difficult times,'" reports The Wall Street Journal [sub]. "He pointed to solid products and strong international growth as benchmarks of Mr. Wagoner's success." George Fisher retired as CEO of Eastman Kodak in 1999. From The New York Times on the eve of that auspicious occasion: "Q. There are those who view your tenure at Kodak as a terrible disappointment. Do you feel you've failed? A. Not at all. I remember telling Roberto it would take three years to get Kodak on track. He said it would take five, and O.K., it's taken closer to seven. But the fact is, I've accomplished everything I set out to do. I get angry when I get mail from people complaining about my performance, or when members of the press select the quotes they use to paint negative stories… Q. But you are losing $100 million a year in digital, and shareholders are clearly unimpressed. A. You call it losses, I call it investment." Back to the WSJ and GM: "Another GM board member, Kent Kresa, said in a phone conversation Tuesday night that GM 'management has a handle on the situation.'" Kresa was CEO of Northrop Grumman Corporation from 1990 to 2003. Kresa saved Northrop by merging it with Grumman, buying 15 other defense contractors and instituting ruthless cost-cutting. His faith in Wagoner's unspecified turnaround plan reflects Kresa's seat-of-the-pants, high stakes poker management style, and faith in political influence peddling. So now you know.   

The New York Times has a story on car nut Fred Heiler and his son Tim. It seems that Tim wasn't quite living up to his potential in middle school– thanks to girls and video games. But his progeny's Cobra love led to a parental epiphany: "'O.K., bud,' I said in a weak moment, 'if you get on the honor roll and stay on throughout high school, we'll buy you a Cobra kit when you graduate.'" The incentive worked: "Indeed, he began to apply himself in school, and in a couple of marking periods we got a congratulatory note and an honor roll sticker with his report card…. Good grades became the norm all through high school. Tim graduated with honors in 2006. True to his word, Fred bought a Cobra kit from E.R.A. in Connecticut. Father and son built the car together in the garage. "With Fleetwood Mac or Green Day blasting, we'd chatter about car stuff, school or music while we worked, but at other times we'd proceed without speaking, anticipating each other's moves and handing each other the right tools at the right time." The two shade tree mechanics plan to attend a safe driving school together this summer. Cobra? Driving school? Sounds like a plan.

No, it's not Heidi Fleiss talking. It's a different kind of prostitute: Florida Governor Charles "Charlie" Crist. I kid, I kid. But that's Charlie's ultimate justification for hopping on the summer gas tax holiday bandwagon (there's got to be a Cliff Richard joke in there somewhere). Speaking to the The New York Times, Charlie says he's been "struggling" to cut 10 cents a gallon from the Sunshine State's gas taxes. And yes, he knows it doesn't mean shit, moneywise. But that's not the point. "'It’s about trying to serve the people and trying to understand and have caring, compassionate hearts for what they’re dealing with at the kitchen table,' said Mr. Crist, a Republican." Wow! A Republican said that? And now a word from the Law of Unintended Consequences. "Since 2000, four states have enacted gas tax holidays: Florida, Georgia, Illinois and Indiana. In general, retailers did not pass on all of the intended savings…  During the last gas tax suspension in Florida in 2004, people hoarded gasoline, driving up demand and prices." D'oh! And, to conclude, a little not-so-subtle Bush bashing. "Several drivers, even in Republican strongholds, blamed President Bush for high gasoline prices because of his support for oil companies and the war in Iraq. Others suggested consumer sacrifices like a return to the national speed limit of 55 miles per hour, which would conserve gas but have little immediate impact on prices." Several? Others? Oh brother.