GM’s CEO took a half hour out of his panic-packed schedule to chat with the GM Fastlane-reading public. He discussed CAFE, the Corvette, salaried benefits and more, via CoverItLive. There’s not exactly a wealth of new information, but it’s an interesting insight into the mind and typing skills of GM’s top dog. It also shows the lengths to which GM is going to communicate this week, even if it has nothing specific to announce. Speaking of which, The Detroit News is announcing the kickoff of the “Keep It Made In America” tour, which began at American Axle’s Hamtramack plant today. The Rev. Jesse Jackson, MI Senator Debbie Stabenow, and others reportedly exhorted crowds of UAW workers with chants of “Reinvest in our land” and “Keep hope alive.” Local mayors and union officials provided the requisite pro-union, pro-Detroit quotes, but the effort at feel-good flag-waving rings somewhat hollow, considering the antagonistic relationship that is developing between GM and the UAW as The General unwinds towards bankruptcy.

Didn’t this just happen a short year ago? Or was it all a dream?

Or so says Automotive News [sub] Executive Editor, Edward Lapham, in a brief aside. According to Lapham, Chrysler is ramping up a major ad campaign (a fact that remains unconfirmed by Chrysler) that steals from the $5 billion supplier bailout fund. “Through its ad agencies,” writes Lapham, “Chrysler is lining up major media that are willing to accept a price cut of 2 percent in exchange for assured payment under the federally funded critical-supplier payment plan.” Because Chrysler wanted to see if its post-bailout supplier relations could possibly be worse. Although to be fair, those two percent savings do add up . . . to about 30 pieces of silver.

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Shock! Scandal! Horror! Ousted General Motors Chairman/CEO Rick Wagoner will remain on GM’s payroll for the remainder of 2009 and will be paid his full salary for doing no work, reports the DetN. Out of your tax dollars, no less! So how much will Wagoner earn while not working for GM this year? Oh, right, one American dollar. And because not all of Wagoner’s pension is bankruptcy-proof, keeping him on the salary until December 31, 2009 actually improves the chances he’ll take another big hit to his compensation. Wagoner will receive $68,900 in annual pension payments whether GM goes bankrupt or not, but five additional annual pension payments of $4,523,400 could be wiped out if Chapter 11 occurs before Wagoner takes his first payment at the end of this year. In short, the arc of justice may be long, but it bends towards surrealism. In the form of GM’s $1 per year executive jobs bank. And just to make the whole situation even more bizarre, the DetN notes that Wagoner “cannot work for another automaker without GM’s written permission.” Because I’m sure he’s got the headhunters beating down his door.

“Bring on the infrastructure” roars GMC’s latest truck ad, erasing the images of American blight and decay that opened the spot. “If we’re gonna rebuild this country,” intones the tough-guy voice over, “we’re gonna need the truck that’s been doing the job for the last 100 years.” The ad, available at Jalopnik, is one tiny step away from being “brought to you by Sierra, official truck of the 2009 federal stimulus package.” On the other hand, Detroit has always relied heavily on the patriotism factor (however warped by the times), as this slightly older ad (that we could find an embed code for) proves. Maybe the latest effort just seems more cynical because, I don’t know, GM is already dependent on federal largesse. And for some reason, GM dealers seem to think the answer is more cynical posturing, reports AdAge. Dealers are “clamoring for a national ad campaign to counteract the daily drumbeat of negative news about whether the company will go belly up,” and GM’s Mark LaNeve admits that the bad news is “telling GM’s story for us.” Which heralds fewer sales-building, product-based ads and more bailout-baiting, “brand building” spots. So stand by for more of the “GM is America” nonsense.

In a recent interview with AutoObserver, Chrysler’s Jim Press tries desperately to state the case that somehow things could be worse at Auburn Hills. In the process he piles on the layers of denial that keep the smallest Detroit automaker senselessly hanging on. “It’s hard to say things are good when sales were only down 25 percent [retail],” press tells AO’s Michelle Krebs. “That’s terrible, but it’s less terrible than the industry decline of 40 percent.” It’s also less terrible than the 44 percent overall sales drop that ChryCo endured last month, but then the fact that Press only mentions retail sales kind of says it all. Especially considering he made AO’s editors include [retail] in his otherwise misleading (or is that self-deluding?) quote. But, “things aren’t so bad,” concludes Press. “At 80,000 vehicles sold in February, we’re doing OK.” Apparently we will know things are bad when Press starts lying about sales rather than pathologically misrepresenting them.

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Think bankruptcy might be an option worth exploring for General Motors? Worried that the Volt might have been a tad too ambitious? Clearly you must be sick in the head. Reasonable people just don’t think that way. After all, why listen to bankruptcy lawyers and university researchers when you can get the truth straight from GM. You think those eggheads know more about GM than GM? Think about it. And while you’re suspending your disbelief, head down to GM’s Fastlane blog. You’ll get your facts straightened out faster than you can say “Stockholm Syndrome.”

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Also file under “what else do you say when sales drop 52.9 percent?” Automotive News [sub] sifted out a tasty nugget from GM’s latest sales conference call kabuki. “We’ve looked at Hyundai’s (Assurance) program extensively, and we’ve examined some possibilities of what we might do because certainly the consumer is anxious and worried about the future and whether or not they will retain their job,” was how GM’s Mark LaNeve put it. Interesting. But, continues the GM marketing chief, “we’re not crazy about the Hyundai program.”  Because it’s made of kimchee? No, “because all it does is protect your credit from being wrecked. You’ve still got to turn in your car. And when you lose your job, you still need a car to find another job.” GM’s answer: build the gimmick that fixes everything. Of course.

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Shortly after Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood expressed his enthusiasm for a nationwide pay-per-mile tax scheme, the White House reacted by denying any plans for the car-monitoring fee system. “[Pay-per-mile] is not and will not be the policy of the Obama administration,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told the WaPo at a press conference, kicking off a merry little game of gotcha. “So was Secretary LaHood speaking out of turn here?” an AP reporter asked at the briefing. “I would direct you to Secretary LaHood on that,” Gibbs said. “Well, we actually interviewed him,” the reporter noted. “Well, call him back,” Gibbs said. Transportation Department officials later “clarified” that LaHood’s comments “were part of a long interview about a range of transportation issues and that he never specifically advocated taxing drivers by the mile.” Well that clears everything up now, doesn’t it?

It’s been a while since we’ve been graced with a good emotionally-charged argument for a “moral obligation” to bail Detroit out. These canards were a dime a dozen during the initial bailout push, as every Michigan-based opinion writer spilled ink by the barrel describing the myriad ways in which America owed Detroit big time. From winning WWII to spearheading racial tolerance. From fighting for the rights of the proletariat to exercises in moral relativism. It seemed that Detroit backers had leveraged every possible emotionally-charged issue to clear the way to the federal teat. But just when we thought that the flow of intellectually dishonest bailout blackmail had slowed to a trickle, we found one of the best examples yet.

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We all knew it would happen. The Lutz does not die with a whimper. In a farewell interview, GM’s lame duck car czar gave The New York Times‘ Bill Vlasic the most maximum farewell quotes yet. “We are a country that hates its own industry,” roars Lutz in our general direction. What’s that again, Bob? “The auto industry may be partly at fault for its situation, but not entirely.” Oh. Good. How’s the retirement plan? But Maximum Bob did a maximum job. Given what Curly might call the coicumstances. “If this is just the beginning of a very catastrophic economic situation, then all bets are off for everybody, and that includes our most esteemed Japanese competitors,” quips Lutz. Yes, if. On the other hand, if things do get worse, it won’t be the esteemed Japanese competition that will be elbowing GM in the stimulus line. Or out of the stimulus line. Hint hint. But don’t worry. Everything is going to be just maximum. Specifically, Lutz is “convinced that when everyone is staring at the reality of the situation, and also staring at the alternative, that they will make the right decisions.” Yes, but how long do they have to stare?

According to my Bloemfontein rose, the best way to cope with winter driving is stay inside. If it weren’t for the tail-out action afforded by the slippery stuff, I’d agree. Telecommuting, Stop & Shop Peapod, Netflix, Gamefly, school bus—why tempt fate? Throw another log on the fire (yup, they deliver those too), fire up the Mac and kick back. Still, there are millions of motorists who have to brave the elements to make ends meet. And winter driving can be brutal to the point of Fargo-style human popsicles. You’d kinda hope that anyone who lives the requisite 16 years required for a driver’s license whilst living in a cold climate would have a little common sense in this regard. But never underestimate the power of PR people to underestimate the intelligence of the average human being. This time we have Land Rover telling UK motorists how to survive their recent cold snap. After all, “Land Rover has 60 years of driving experience, with a line-up of supremely capable vehicles which boast permanent four-wheel drive and pioneering technology such as Electronic Traction Control, Hill Descent Control (HDC) and Terrain Response – which includes a snow setting utilising the vehicles’ traction aids.” Ready to be surprised? Then stand down, chill out and feel free to add something a little more . . . useful.

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Tesla has increased the price of its Tesla Roadster by pricing once-standard equipment at $6,700. Customers who thought they’d locked-in pricing by submitting up to a $50k deposit, haven’t. “We want to have healthy margins on the car to guarantee the viability of the company,” says Tesla spokeswoman Rachel Konrad. “The margins are really important on this car for the next group of investors, whether it’s public shareholders in an IPO, the federal government looking at federal loan candidates or the next group of venture capitalists.” According to Wired, the biggest increase is to the “high-power connector” that recharges the car’s lithium-ion battery in as little as three hours. Once offered as standard equipment, it now costs $3,000. Tesla still includes a mobile 110-volt connector in the base price. But it requires as much as 37 hours to recharge a dead battery. “That can seem startling, and it is a big change,” Konrad admits. “But we have a lot of customers who use their mobile charger as a primary charger. Even with a 110 charger plugged in overnight, they’re nearly full again the next morning, because most customers aren’t driving the car to empty. They’re constantly topping off the battery.”

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GM’s VP For R&D Larry Burns has a new post up at Fastlane, calling for a “partnership between the U.S. government, auto manufacturers and suppliers, the energy and infrastructure industries, and other key stakeholders focused on transforming the automobile.” After all, as Burns says “we all seem to be coming to the conclusion that the automobile as we know it — powered by a combustion engine — must eventually go the way of the horse and buggy. It is simply not sustainable.” And so Burns humbly offers GM’s solution: The Cadillac Converj, A concept car that is powered by electricity. Unless it wants to go more than 40 miles, in which case it’s back to the ol’ ICE. But luckily “significant challenges” are actually a good thing when you are going for government handouts and not the Standard Of The World.

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There’s an eerie thread of optimism weaving through a number of post-bailout, post-December bloodbath stories lately. Sure, hope dies last and all that, but as Studs Terkel put it, “hope has never trickled down, it has always sprung up.” And most of this fresh-faced optimism seems to have trickled down directly from GM PR. Take the headline “‘Happy Days’ Return For Domestic Car Dealers” over at Dealersedge.com, for example. If the use of scare quotes in the headline isn’t enough to set your PR-friendly hackery alarm ringing, well, that’s why we’re here. The entire piece is based on quotes from employees and owners of three dealerships, two in New Hampshire, one in Michigan. These ecstatic, old-timey song-referencing folks spout anecdotal evidence of a new influx of floor traffic, offering no dissent from the opinion that “happy days” are indeed here again. And why wouldn’t they say that zero percent terms on Trailblazers and Saabs have Americans flooding the showrooms?

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