So opens a guest commentary by Ira Lacher in today’s Des Moines Register. And if you believe the Detroit line, you might assume this voice from the middle American heartland would answer in the affirmative. You’d be wrong. Lacher describes his impression of American cars as being “designed and put together by committee – a bunch of parts cobbled together. The steering wheel felt as if it were just sticking out of the dashboard. The gas and brake pedals seemed mere appendages to the floor. The seats were uncomfortable frames covered with cheap cloth. This wasn’t a car; it was a homemade personal computer! By contrast, every rented Honda, Toyota, Mazda and Nissan seemed like a machine that functioned like one machine.” But when he recently purchased a Hyundai, Lacher clearly felt at least a few pangs of guilt.

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Maximum Executive Bob Lutz is spreading the Christm, excuse me, Holiday cheer over at the GM Fastlane blog today. You see, Lutz is troubled by the amount of attention that his firm has attracted since going on the holiday handout dole. Yes, “the sheer volume of words written about the auto industry in the past month or two is enough to fill the Library of Congress (Yes, I’m employing irony),” writes Lutz, or some well-paid ghostwriter. “Some of the material generated has been ill-informed and off the mark. Some have used the same old and outdated anti-Detroit rhetoric and bias we’ve been seeing for years,” continues the man of maximum. And so, Lutz suggests a steady diet of Detroit appologia from the pantheon of bailout-backing pundits. Specifically…

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Post-Jet-Gate morality is sweeping through the RenCen unabated, as a new spirit of (perceived) austerity has General Motors ditching its corporate pastime: luxury boxes. I mean baseball. GM “may be trying to exit or renegotiate the lease for its luxury suite at Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers,” reports CNN Money. Tigers suites rent for $120,000 to $130,000 a year, and include seating for 18 people, free parking, a private restroom, interior and exterior television sets, a computer with Internet access, pre-game batting practice sessions with ex-Tigers pitchers, and a full catering menu (highlights: market fresh crudite, chilled king prawns, and black pepper and garlic-crusted beef tenderloin). In short, it’s understandable that GM is “carefully evaluating all sponsorships – sports and other – as we look for opportunities to reduce costs during this economic recession,” as spokeswoman Kelly Cusinato puts it. And while the Tigers “try to be as flexible with (GM) as possible,” the General is definitely ditching its sponsorship of the Pittsburgh Pirates, according to the AP. That deal included another luxury box (available for five-year leases at $150k-$275k annually) with undisclosed amenities and menu items. GM spokesman Pete Ternes said the company “is looking at” other Major League Baseball sponsorship contracts that expire at the end of the year, as part of an effort to cut the company’s promotional and advertising budget 20 percent.

We’ve been keeping tabs on all the divisive, emotionally-charged wedges being driven through the the bailout debate, and frankly we’re beginning to wonder where it will end. Luckily we may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and as usual with these things, it’s some good old reductio ad absurdum. Randi Payton of On Wheels Inc, which publishes magazines and produces Web sites about the auto industry for ethnic minorities, wonders aloud in Automotive News [sub] whether we are “turning our backs on diversity.” After all, as Payton puts it, “we cannot overlook the more important fact that the Detroit automakers are also some of the most socially responsible corporations in the world.” And the key to his argument is the claim that the Detroit 3 “led the embracing of diversity, employing more minorities than any other entity, next to the federal government.” Now I certainly wouldn’t dispute Payton’s point that “Ford Motor Co. was the first corporation in America to pay fair wages to blacks, essentially creating an African-American middle class,” but to do justice to the term “diversity” we will have to take a closer look at Ford’s history than that. While Henry Ford opened groundbreaking opportunities for African-Americans, his anti-Semitism pretty much knew no bounds. Time for a definition check on the term “diversity?” Better yet, let’s not justify the bailout of failing businesses on ancient history. Or the most divisive issues we can possibly think up.

Thanks to our new feature– What Wrong With This Picture (3WTP)– I am trained in the fine art of anomaly spotting. So when I saw this Autobloggreen (ABG) photo of Emmy Rossum filling-up her Blue Tec Merc with diesel, the cognitive dissonance nearly deafened me. First, check the posture. Emmy’s feet are way too close together for proper pumping. Second, the shoes. Have you ever tried driving an SUV in high heels? (Trust me, it’s not a good idea.) Third, why is she looking at the pump? I highly doubt she’s worried about the price. And if she was worried about nozzle blowback, she’d already be standing away from the vehicle. And then there’s the photog’s reflection. Only professional photogs assume that kind of contorted position, or use such a huge aperture (the camera). And so I read the text, which seemed to indicate that this is some kind of trend: celebs ditching Priora for Mercedes BlueTec diesel SUVs. Which makes no sense whatsoever. “Recently the likes of Naomi Watts, Kyle MacLachlan and Gary Oldman have been turning up driving Mercedes-Benz BlueTec diesels like the ML320 and E320. While these vehicles are not in the same green class as the Toyota, the do offer the other attributes of a Benz with much better fuel efficiency than gasoline-powered alternatives.” Which sounds an awful lot like PR copy to me…

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The truth is out: as Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli drove a Chrysler Aspen Hybrid to today’s Senate Banking Committee hearings. Confirmation comes from Jet-Gate Media Inc, formerly known as ABC News, which dedicates no fewer than four pages to the symbolism of CEO transportation choices. Of course Nardelli gets a good hosing for choosing a ride that will be canceled within less than a year of its introduction. ABC contrasts the high cost and marginal returns of hybrid vehicles with the currently low cost of gas, and concludes that (in the words of Kelly Blue Book’s Jack Nerad) “a hybrid alone will not save Detroit.” In short, the parade of Volt/Cruze mules, Chrysler vapoware and assorted hybrid and flex-fuel vehicles are a PR show to gain environmentalist support for a bailout. Shocking stuff, I know, but the disconnect between self-image and reality is key to this entire situation. Slate’s Daniel Gross explores this “Detroit Delusion,” arguing that “the markets are treating the auto companies as if they’re already in bankruptcy,” and “the federal funding they’re requesting is necessary to help manage failure, not to stave it off.” Luckily Senators seem to be focusing on these financial issues rather than taking the eco-future bait.

Business Week caught up with the Ford Circus road trip to Washington for a telephone interview. Having presumably learned some lessons on that last trip, Alan is re-engaging with the wonders of road food and claims to like it! “We stopped at a dynamite service plaza and we bought a little boxed lunch.” Wow, after putting up with the crap food served on the Boeing and Ford corporate jets old Alan must be in heaven to finally get some good old fashioned Service Plaza Boxed Lunch. Somebody tell him not to eat the box, even if it does taste just like the sandwich. You have to hand it to the guy for being able to spin with the best of ’em though. Read More >

Alfa Romeo has made the first North American delivery of its stunning 8C Competizione to uno dei più grandi collezionisti di automobili al mondo, Jimmy Glickenhaus. Because paying Fiat $3m to upgrade a million-dollar Enzo to 612 P4/5 spec buys you those little perks.

In honor of the imminent celebrations, Consumer Reports has picked its “Automotive Turkeys” of 2008, and they got some good ones. Tax credits for Hybrid Tahoes, Chrysler’s four-week Aspen/Durango Hybrid reign of terror, Acura’s styling, the Smart’s pricing and much more get the thumbs down from CR’s Mike Quincy. In advance of TTAC’s Ten Worst awards, I’m asking: what makes your list of automotive blunders for 2008? Personally, the Volt transformation, the bailout beggary and Chrysler’s Project D(isaster) would be near the top of my list. Yours?

Let’s just agree now that if Ford, GM and Chrysler get their $25b in December, the $21m they invested in lobbying efforts this year was a brilliant investment. Of course, as the Detroit News reports, that’s actually $21.6m and that only covers the first three quarters of this year; fourth-quarter lobbying disclosures don’t come out until January, and with their companies on the line you can bet the D3 will be throwing what’s left in their wallets at DC until the last bailout option is depleted. The problem for Detroit though is that their political contributions are actually shrinking in relative terms. The auto industry is only 34th on the list of contributers to congressional election campaigns, down from the 16th spot eight years ago, and even generous campaign contributions don’t guarantee your safety. For example, Chrysler owners Cerberus Capital Management donated $37,500 to Senator Richard Shelby’s (R-AL) 2008 campaign, only to have Shelby badmouth the industry from his position as a ranking member of the Senate Banking Committee. And though it spends more on lobbying than the other Detroit firms, General Motors says its reducing its efforts. “In fact, it’s decreased considerably,” spokesman Greg Martin said. “We’re looking at every operational expense and cutting where we can. That includes our efforts here in D.C. Lobbying is a legal, very transparent means to have your voice heard in Washington, especially as it relates to political issues that have a substantial effect on your business.” And if it pays off, it will make Porsche’s play on the hedge funds look like a mediocre investement. Where else can you invest $25m and have it turn into $25b in less than a year? Only in American government.

Bob Lutz rode to Motown greatness on a wave of bombast, charisma and general maximum-ness. And his ability to act like Patton in full advance, even in the face of dismal business results, has been crucial to GM’s several year long “product revolution” denial offensive. But when the war is over, and the other general’s are already discussing the terms of surrender, men like Bob Lutz are suddenly seen less as inspirational figures and more as, well, liabilities. Buried in an otherwise unremarkable piece on the LA Auto Show in MSNBC, we get a little taste of just how minimum things are at GM right now. Global Insight analyst Rebecca Lindland reveals that GM won’t be sending the man of maximum to LA to launch the new CTS Coupe. “The perception of Cadillac is of excess; it’s a high-profile, low volume vehicle and not the type of vehicle you want to be seen flaunting right now,” she said. “And you can’t take a chance that the media will catch Bob Lutz swilling Champagne or puffing on a cigar — it’s a PR nightmare waiting to happen.” Just wait till you see the post-bailout spa bills.

It’s something of a long-running joke among local editorial writers that everyone cribs from either the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal‘s editorial boards. The two papers tend to lead opinion on either side of the spectrum, with the mainstream left taking its cues from the Grey Lady and free-market business types following the WSJ. If this theory still holds true in these ideologically confused times, the worm has certainly turned on the bailout. Both papers are running prominent and well-reasoned editorials against the bailout, from Thomas Friedman on the left and Paul Ingrassia on the right. Taken with the recent bad news from DC, this editorial one-two punch may just mark the high-water point for pro-bailout momentum.  Read More >

So now we know where the press scarfed all those Maximum Bob bites™: the text of GM Car Czar Bob Lutz’ address to a confabulation of spinmeisters. MB starts off on exactly the wrong foot: the perception gap. It gets worse from there, obviously. Bob reiterates his theme of late: design rules. Apparently, it’s “the last great differentiator in the automotive business. Everybody has great powertrains and adheres to the same basic fuel economy and safety standards. Everybody has good, flexible, low hour-per-vehicle manufacturing. Everybody has efficient purchasing and uses the same suppliers. Everybody has roughly similar reliability and quality ratings.” Hang on; does that include me? ‘Cause I don’t think Bob and I share suppliers, if you know what I mean. And then Bob says PR is a crock of shit. “I’ve been a lifelong critic of corporate communications that don’t communicate, or are too sanitized. All large corporations are good at it, and General Motors is certainly no exception. In this case, communications, instead of being a weapon for putting out the truth, becomes simple risk avoidance. It focuses on making sure that no one says the wrong thing. And often, by focusing on not saying the wrong thing, you’re essentially saying nothing.” Sorry. What were you saying?

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