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Category: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Let’s just say she didn’t roll out of the factory this way… What was this before someone decided to sin against nature?
My name is Robert Farago, and I used to modify my ride. Back in the day, I couldn’t afford what I really wanted to drive: a Dino. (A Pinto station wagon is about as far as you can get from a Dino whilst remaining in the same solar system that’s home to planet Earth.) So I spent my hard-earned money on Pirelli P3s. And sway bars. And God knows what. OK, a Nachamichi tape deck. Then, when I saved-up enough for a Mazda RX4, I swapped out the gearbox for the RX3’s more aggressive unit. And again. And again. RX7? Rear ribbed metal thingie over the hatch and numerous performance mods to the suspension, tires, wheels, engine and so on. Somewhere along the line I realized that no matter what I did to my car, it screwed-up something else. The manufacture spent millions achieving the perfect balance of ride comfort handling, reliability, cost, etc. Why did I think I could do better? I couldn’t. So I stopped. Whilst Mehta recovers from his coronary to pen a suitable rip-post, I’ll say this to enhance his experience: the only thing worse than a ridiculously modified car is its owner.
It’s easy to understand how a commercial like this gets made. Funny people miss the mark occasionally. What’s more difficult to explain is the decision to build an entire marketing campaign around such weak middle school humor. Are the executives at Subaru the same people who decided to buy the slapchop after Vince threw in the gratie, or did this actually test well thanks to Billy Mays nostalgia? If educated,experienced auto executives can be sold on this idea what hope do the rest of us have? Sebrings and WNBA tickets for all?
Yesterday, I asked TTAC’s Best and Brightest if Ford’s “surprise and delight” features (e.g. capless fuel filler, built-in fridge) were a suitable starting point for its latest ad campaign. You know; as opposed to slightly larger concerns (e.g. reliability, durability). Today, I’d like to expose broken mechanical teeth re: Mercedes “annoy and disappoint” features. Sure, I could unleash a major rant about the humongous clunk that occurs when my GL450’s gearbox gets confused. But let’s sweat the small stuff, shall we? What brilliant engineer/design team decided it was OK to put an MP3 connector in the left side of the glovebox, right next to the owners’ manuals? Where, exactly, did Mercedes think I was going to put those books when playing my iPhone? Did they really think I’d want to shuffle manuals after shuffling songs? Next: how much time, intelligence and money is required to see the need for—then design, craft and install—an indentation that allows the MP3 cord to remain connected and undamaged with the glovebox closed?
What kind of Lexus is this, and why is my neck hair standing to attention?
Did you think that finally sacking Mark LaNeve might have been another step in the direction towards the “culture change” promised land? Time for some new meds. And while we usually have to sit on our sour-puss predictions for a few days before being proven right, GM decided to back us up early this time. Automotive News [sub] reports that none other than Buick-GMC boss Susan Docherty will be replacing LaNeve at the pinnacle of the GM sales operation. “She brings a fresh perspective to the job and she has an extraordinarily high level of energy,” says Fritz Henderson. By which he means she’s a lifer, and owes her career to the timid, inept culture Henderson is simultaneously a product of and ostensibly bent on breaking.
The new Delorean Motor Company is apparently exploring the possibility of buying GM’s Wilmington Kappa plant and building a Pontiac Solstice GXP-based sportscar there. The firm released the rendering above, and the following post via Facebook:
What if John DeLorean were still alive? Some of his greatest automotive accomplishments were at Pontiac, and now the Solstice is a new car without a brand, and DeLorean is brand without a new car…
Automobile Magazine, Motor Trend and Ford’s Advertising Department bring you 6versus8.com. If you were waiting for a last straw to cancel your subscription, this should just about do the trick.
I have no doubt the guys at Sharkwerks know their onions when it comes to engine modifications. But here we have yet another video where the soundtrack underneath is as inappropriate as an intern dancing buck naked on a boardroom table at Black Rock. Not only does the keyboard player deploy a pseudo-strings sound originally sampled by Robert Arthur Moog in the late sixties (true story), the performance asks the bizarre question “what’s wistful about a Porche 997 GT3RS with a highly modified 3.9L engine producing 500hp?” Answer: nothing. The Best and the Brightest know that the last thing a powerful engine needs is a backing track that makes the artistes at royaltyfreemusic.com seem like Gustav Mahler. Click ahead to 7:00. For fifty-five blissful seconds, we hear all we need to hear. All we want to hear. Note to car video producers: step WAY from the synth. Your true destiny lies in San Fernando Valley, where porn producers treat generic audio wallpaper with all the respect it deserves.
Our friends over at jameslist.com sent us a heads-up re: today’s collector car auction at Coy’s of Kensington, in Ascot (famous enabler of post-modern millinery). “Bargains isn’t [sic] Coys’ game, but if you are a collector in search of fine automobiles, or happen to be on the hunt for a Jaguar XJ200 with less than 200 miles on the odometer, then Coys is for you.” Now that’s what I call a niche market. Forget the how-low-can-you-go odo. Aside from styling, Jag’s early-90s foray into the supercar market was an abject failure, rendering the vehicle “collectible” only in the Edsel sense of the word. The headline issue: a late-in-the-game change from the original engine spec (a 500hp 6.2-liter V12) to a 3.2-liter six V6. V6? Forced induction? The new engine had about as much to do with Jaguar heritage as a Wolo Bad Boy Compact Airhorn. And sounded worse (if slightly quieter). Not . . . to mention . . . TURBO LAG! Hard to believe, but that wasn’t the worst of it . . .
“My client was terrified. She slept with a machete next to her bed and she slept with mace. She could barely sleep or eat normally.”
Los Angeles attorney Nicholas Tepper explains why Toyota and its ad firm Saatchi & Saatchi went too far with their viral “The Other You” campaign. Tepper calls the effort a “terror tarketing campaign,” and according to his lawsuit [via Ad Age… follow the link to watch the ad], his client “became physically ill” because she was convinced “a disturbed and aggressive” stranger was en route to her house. No wonder Akio Toyoda recently admitted “Toyota has become too big and distant from its customers.” Thumbs down.
We TOLD you there would be internecine warfare.
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