Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages: we give you the first Chevy Volt jingle, courtesy of Sarah Spiegel (shown here interviewing former CEO Rick Wagoner) and gm-volt.com! Listen to the ditty at the link and for lyrics hit the jump.

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To once again paraphrase an old Soviet joke, there are two ways Detroit can be turned around: the natural and the miraculous. The natural way is that the Archangel Michael and his bands of angels descend to earth and work 24 hours a day to save the city’s economy. The miraculous way is that the automakers do it themselves.

2006 Maybach 57S. Sticker when new: $385K. Current mileage: 36k. Current price: $169,900 or . . . less.

With apologies to Monty Python, I had to blog this story just for the headline. Here’s the deal: North Texas Chevy dealers are inviting Metroplex-area license holders to test drive the new Chevy Traverse in exchange for a free one-hour session at any local Massage Envy clinic. “Who doesn’t need a moment away from the madness of everyday life?” Dallas/Fort Worth regional developer for Massage Envy clinics, Lance O’Pry, asked, more or less rhetorically.  “A Chevy Traverse test drive and a free Massage Envy massage are relaxing breaks in your routine.” Unless that is your routine. Anyway, let’s assume Mr. O’Pry [not shown] is sick of trying to explain the difference between genuine therapeutic massage and equally genuine but not as socially acceptable during symphony intermission schmoozing massage. But if we jettison the distinction, one wonders if there’s a business case to be made here linking extortion and new car sales. Just sayin’.

But it probably should look something like this. Prices are in Australian dollars. For the moment.

Dimmick, Chuck P.
born December 29, 1958 in Riverside, CA passed away suddenly on April 18, 2009 while attending a NASCAR race to watch his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon. Chuck was the loving husband of Kristen and devoted father of Dillon. Chuck was the Director of Marketing for the Lund Cadillac Group. We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all New 2008 Hummer H2’s. A mass celebrating Chuck’s life will be held at 11:00 AM on Friday, April 24th at St. Patrick’s Church – 10815 N. 84th St. Scottsdale, AZ. Arrangements handled by Hansen Desert Hill Mortuary 480-991-5800. In Lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Dillon Dimmick Donation Fund at any Bank of America.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed. How could Toyota Prius, The Next Generation, not offer direct access to Apple’s technophile (technophobe?) gizmo? No USB paradise by the dashboard lights? True story, brought to you by PriusChat (motto: “Press our buttons”). “The USB integration won’t be available out of the factory until September, and it will only come with the Navigation option package that is available in the Prius III, IV, and V. Customers who buy their Navigation-equipped Prius before September will be able to have the USB kit installed at the dealer, but at their own expense. There are no specifics right now, but it looks like in September when the USB connectivity is added to the Navigation package, the price of the Navigation package will be going up. It hasn’t been established yet whether that price increase would be the same as the price a dealer will charge to install it, or if the dealer-installed USB will be more expensive.” It doesn’t take much Insight, or a Honda Odyssey without iPhone integration, to realize that this is a major marketing misstep by the ToMoCo. Did you know that Microsoft’s Zune can operate through your vehicle’s FM radio? Just sayin’.

Care to oblige?

One of our commentators recently asked why the Lincoln Town Car got so much love. It’s an ancient body-on-frame machine that floats like a hippo and stings like a slug. I’m not sure this video answers that question, but I bet some of our Best and Brightest can.

For me to steal! Check out this putative 2011 Hyundai Sonata! It’s not ginormous! And its Californian curves raise my expectations, even though they (the curves)’re camo-clad! But does it hasten the day when we’ll resort to coining the term “Camccordnata”?

You thought you’ve heard it all? Now hear this: “The private equity firm Cerberus plans an engagement in a possible new European Opel concern,” the Düsseldorf, Germany, newspaper Rheinische Post writes, citing unnamed German government sources. If true, doesn’t Cerberus know how to say “uncle?” If not true, isn’t crack illegal, even in laissez-smoke Germany? According to the newspaper’s deep throats, the hellhound is interested in a chow-down of 25 percent of an independent Opel. Fiat would be part of the party, last week’s denials notwithstanding. According to the Rheinische Post, the prospective gang bang has been organized by Roland Berger. Roland Berger, the German consulting company, is in the employ of GM Europe. Roland Berger, the owner, has been hired by the German government to advise them in sticky Opel matters. He’s also on the Board of Directors of Fiat, says Der Spiegel. Conflict of interest? Never heard of it.

Kowalski! Report! It’s a prototype vehicle integrating a lithium-ion battery, digital smart energy management, two-wheel balancing, dual electric wheel motors and a dockable user interface that allows off-board connectivity. Translation? It’s a wheelchair for bipeds built for permanent wheelies. Rico! We’re going to need a press pass to the New York Auto Show. Thanks Rico, I didn’t know you had it in you. Private, I want you attach a small explosive charge to the bottom of that thing. We’ll give those guys a hot seat they’ll never forget. Skipper? Not now Kowalski; we’re about to capitalize on an automaker’s ADD all the way to the south pole. But Skipper, the Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility vehicle—–Don’t withhold acronyms from me Kowalski. You know how much I love acronyms. Sorry Skip. The P.U.M.A. is a battery powered prototype. It’s effective operating range may only be a few hundred yards. And it’s made by GM. Good point, Private. OK boys, plan B. What’s that Skipper? We wait for GM to go C11. Then we pick-up a Tahoe Hybrid and use it to power this thing. When will that be Skipper? Soon. End of days, Skip? End of days, boys, end of days.

Because any day in Hanoi without a traffic fatality is a good one. Just outside of Hanoi’s Daewoo Hotel (the hotel of choice for both international conferences and visiting despots) is this large, prominently displayed billboard. In addition to the running count of traffic accidents and fatalities, levels of key pollutants are represented by animated faces with corresponding levels of positive emotions. Carbon levels, for example, got a big smiley while Sulfur Dioxide levels elicited a more ambivalent emotional animation. Good thing the principle wasn’t applied to the traffic fatality count.

In his first piece for TTAC, our former celeb contributor Brock Yates noted that “until the underlying economics of private transportation changes . . . economies will be saddled with the private automobile, whether they like it or not.” Here in Hanoi, that truism holds up . . . only you’d need to replace “private automobile” with “Honda Wave.” Though four-wheeled transportation is clearly picking up pace here (more to come on the quirk and diversity of said transport to come), the Vietnamese could no more imagine Hanoi without a crush of sub-200cc scoots than an American could imagine commuting on a camel. What’s a developing (or overdeveloped, for that matter) economy to do?

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Shock! Scandal! Horror! Ousted General Motors Chairman/CEO Rick Wagoner will remain on GM’s payroll for the remainder of 2009 and will be paid his full salary for doing no work, reports the DetN. Out of your tax dollars, no less! So how much will Wagoner earn while not working for GM this year? Oh, right, one American dollar. And because not all of Wagoner’s pension is bankruptcy-proof, keeping him on the salary until December 31, 2009 actually improves the chances he’ll take another big hit to his compensation. Wagoner will receive $68,900 in annual pension payments whether GM goes bankrupt or not, but five additional annual pension payments of $4,523,400 could be wiped out if Chapter 11 occurs before Wagoner takes his first payment at the end of this year. In short, the arc of justice may be long, but it bends towards surrealism. In the form of GM’s $1 per year executive jobs bank. And just to make the whole situation even more bizarre, the DetN notes that Wagoner “cannot work for another automaker without GM’s written permission.” Because I’m sure he’s got the headhunters beating down his door.