Seriously, who can tell anymore? Is there a sad robot somewhere that is programmed to lavish praise on used Sebrings? Surely, in this economy, Tacoma Dodge could find a human being desperate enough for cash to talk up a nice silver ’bring for the camera. Then again, even the robot sounds like it deals with a lot of professional self-loathing. Moving on, GMAC doesn’t really want to spend $5B of its $6B bailout on “subprime auto lending,” does it? That’s got to be a joke, right? And is Carl Levin for real when he tells the DetN that the mere discussion of Chapter 11 for Chrysler and GM is “self-defeating”? Or is the Senator from Michigan in posession of a sharper sense of humor than he is typically given credit for? Now I’m seeing that Automotive News [sub] is running a headline that reads “Wagoner Gets Pension, But That Is All.” Because he somehow deserved more than $20 million? What a bunch of kidders. Yikes! What’s gotten into people? Did the CAW just really tell GM to go NSFW itself? Is Obama’s new Director of Recovery for Auto Communities and Workers’ actually comfortable with openly telling Michigan that he will be a devoted stimulus wetnurse to that great state? Humor just doesn’t need this kind of competition from reality.

GM Total Confidence will turn GM’s sales around! Hopefully we’ll never use it because our residuals are improving! Corvettes are great but we have to focus on fuel efficient vehicles! Yes Virginia, there is a Buick-Pontiac-GMC strategy! These are just a few of the ripping one-liners that make this April Fools interview with GM’s Mark LaNeve the funniest video on the internet. Newly-minted C&D editor Eddie Alterman plays a terrific straight man to LaNeve’s Jack Nicholson-meets-Baghdad Bob persona, asking those “just serious enough” questions with hilariously believable faux-interest. Great protection on the back end? Did someone just say bankruptcy? No? Good. Carry on, then.

I know, right? I mean, both the Dodge Caliber AND the Jeep Patriot (snap!) made TTAC’s Ten Worst® (just kidding about the ®). A stripper Caliber would be unimaginably dire. And yet there it is: a poll question for the Chrysler Listens customer advisory board (death CAB for cutie). “How interested would you be in purchasing an ultra-base version® [just kidding again] of the Dodge Caliber (estimated MSRP $16,495) or the Jeep(R) [that actually is there] Patriot (suggested MSRP $17,495) if either were offered later this year?” Oh, and don’t forget “Jeep is a registered trademark of Chrysler LLC.” The odd thing is that someone—anyone—responded in the affirmative. What does that tell you?

More than a few members of TTAC’s Best and Brightest have joined the Chrysler Listens customer advisory board. We’re starting to get some of these comms back, and they’re about as revealing as you’d imagine®. Only more so.

This message is a follow-up to our chat with Steven Landry, EVP of North American Sales, Marketing, and Mopar® Parts and Service at Chrysler:

This is a follow-up to the e-mails we sent last week regarding the Fiat® alliance. At Chrysler, we are working tirelessly with the assistance of the U.S. auto task force to continue our progress in meeting the requirements set for us by the government. At this historic time, we need every one of our Customer Advisory Board members who support our ongoing efforts to get the word out to all our local, state and federal representatives that Chrysler is a viable business on a stand-alone basis.

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In their quest to position the German automotive brand as, uh, something, Audi has decided to “invest” in the New York Yankees. Audi’s decision to back the Yanks may miff supporters of the 29 other Major League Baseball teams. But hey, those that own Audis could get a shot at seeing their team play the pin-striped perennial pennant winners in the newly re-christened Audi Yankees Club, a “premium entitlement area” perched high atop The House that Ruth Built. I thought it was baseball, apple pie and Chevrolet. Tempus fugit.

President Obama recently received major car guy demerits when he proclaimed that America invented the automobile. Even if you give Obama a mulligan, someone on his staff should have fact-checked the jingoistic assertion—especially after President Kennedy told Germany he was a jelly donut (ein Berliner). But President Obama’s most recent gaffe reveals darker demagoguery, highlighting his Messianic mission to mold motorcars to his green dreams. The AP reports,

Obama, touring a California electric car plant on Thursday, said, ‘The 1908 Model T — think about this — the 1908 Model T earned better gas mileage than the typical SUV in 2008… Think about that: 100 years later, and we’re getting worse gas mileage, not better, on SUVs.’

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“Bring on the infrastructure” roars GMC’s latest truck ad, erasing the images of American blight and decay that opened the spot. “If we’re gonna rebuild this country,” intones the tough-guy voice over, “we’re gonna need the truck that’s been doing the job for the last 100 years.” The ad, available at Jalopnik, is one tiny step away from being “brought to you by Sierra, official truck of the 2009 federal stimulus package.” On the other hand, Detroit has always relied heavily on the patriotism factor (however warped by the times), as this slightly older ad (that we could find an embed code for) proves. Maybe the latest effort just seems more cynical because, I don’t know, GM is already dependent on federal largesse. And for some reason, GM dealers seem to think the answer is more cynical posturing, reports AdAge. Dealers are “clamoring for a national ad campaign to counteract the daily drumbeat of negative news about whether the company will go belly up,” and GM’s Mark LaNeve admits that the bad news is “telling GM’s story for us.” Which heralds fewer sales-building, product-based ads and more bailout-baiting, “brand building” spots. So stand by for more of the “GM is America” nonsense.

At-home car wash season is upon us. I cringe every time I see someone cleansing their car by hand. I have never once observed a DIY auto scrubber use two buckets for the job (one for rinsing, one for soap). On the other hand, as an OCD sufferer, I don’t even crack the binding on the Griot’s Garage catalogue. Quite simply, if I started down that road, I’d never post here, ever. In fact, I’d probably start washing other people’s cars (my neighbors bless my snowblower). So, yes, I do wash and rinse my ride at an automated car wash. And then, sham wow! At one car wash I used to frequent, the owner showed me a secret stash of broken bits, mangled by the mechanical arms that put food on his table. Never went back there again. So, have you been a victim of a car wash? Or seen some poor fool get his clocked cleaned? Spill.

We knew, but we still weren’t ready for this.

Given GM’s well-proven love for inflating the importance of even the tiniest achievements, you’d think they would muster up something a little more, uh, celebratory than this. After all, they could be slurping up $2B of treasury money (but aren’t). For now. And all they’ve got to celebrate the moment is Ray Young joylessly repeating coporate pablum while looking like he recently took a sip from the wrong grail. Get some sleep guys!