take a test are you a redneck?

Originally posted (without my snarky italicized comments) at Jalopnik.

10. Mazda MX-5 Retractable Hardtop
Starts off well. If you pack very light.

9. Jeep Wrangler Unlimited
Oh, this’ll be just great on the highway. I thought they said weekend trip, not off-roading camping expedition.

8. Maserati Gran Turismo S
Might as well add a Bentley while we’re at it.

7. Volkswagen Tiguan
Nope.

6. MINI Cooper Clubman
Do you have so much stuff it won’t fit in a Cooper with the rear seats folded?

5. Ford Ranger FX4
This is a joke, right?

4. Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X
I’m sure my girlfriend would love a 5 hour drive with me keeping one of these on a rolling boil.

3. BMW X6
I’d rather not send the villagers running.

2. Subaru Outback Limited 2.5 XT
Makes the most sense out of any car on the list.

1. Porsche 911 Targa 4
Sure, and do me a favor, fill the trunk with diamonds.

The Berkowitz list (and they’re all under $50k): Subaru Outback 2.5 XT, Dodge Challenger SRT8, BMW 335i, Ford Explorer, Ford Flex, Mazda MX-5, Volkswagen Jetta TDI or 2.0T, Saab 9-3 Convertible, MINI Cooper S, and Suzuki SX4.

Obviously, TTAC has no problem with car manufacturers targeting gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transsexuals or herbisexuals for any given brand or model. But we do expect carmakers to do so with a modicum of common sense. Pitching the new Chevy Traverse at gay men is like suggesting that Barack Obama should show up at his rallies in a Maybach Exelero. Hang on. Cool! OK, it’s like suggesting that soccer Moms should buy a Pontiac Solstice. Actually, they should– just to get away from the kids for a few hours. And keep Alzheimer’s at bay by trying to erect the Solstice’s top. Is that sexist? Damn! Alright, try it this way. GM’s marketing mavens should know that the Chevy Traverse is to the Mazda Miata what Chuck E. Cheese is to Fire Island. Or something like that.

Well, what do you expect from a website called “Ford Muscle?” Still, it’s an interesting take on why it’s a good idea to turn your garden variety Ford into a fire-breathing, gas-guzzling, tail-happy monster. “Our hobby is comprised mostly of motivated individuals that choose productivity and participation over fantasy football, the sofa, and ESPN,” polemicist Jon Mikelonis maintains. “In our ‘sport’ we bend, twist, lift, kneel, squat, roll, struggle, and overcome forces, but most importantly our hobby requires us to be off the couch. Sure, a lot of us enjoy watching sports but the fact that we choose to physically rebuild, modify, or restore cars, automatically puts us in a class outside of those who spend their leisure time idly watching, measuring, and comparing somebody else’s successes and failures.” Mikelonis takes it outside. “While there’s no formal validation or research that working on your car qualifies as exercise, many parallels can be made with gardening and yardwork, an activity that has been studied, researched, and touted as legitimate exercise.” Justin will be happy to learn that the article ends with a discussion of the evils of high fructose corn syrup. And did you know that commenting on TTAC may help maintain brain function? Now if it only didn’t raise your blood pressure…

Yes, the sound of Rice !!!!!

I know we’ve already done a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot blog this morning. And last time I looked, TTAC wasn’t Jalopnik. But I reckon this video raises an interesting question for all you fathers with sons out there. Is hooning a permissable male bonding experience? I’ve been blessed with [four] daughters. I’m teaching them to drive on a private road. Have done since they were five. And I’m planning on giving them track time, so they can handle high-speed evasive maneuvers and learn accident avoidance. But if one my daughters ever pulled a stunt like this when I was riding shotgun, there would be MAJOR consequences. I’m not saying they should all drive like driving instructors (when students are on board). Nor could I look them in the eye and say “buy a slow car” (assuming please God they’re using their own money). But I would never, ever accept high-speed driving on a public road (AT NIGHT?) while I was in the car. Veteran readers will know that former Car and Driver editor Stephan Wilkinson proudly relates his daughter’s driving chops on TTAC’s e-pages. So, as Bill O’Reilly asks (even though he’s just setting-up a nominal interviewee for an extended brow-beating), am I wrong?

Some dad's first reactions on M3 Turbo

Forgive the pun, but mobile lap dogs are one of my pet peeves. How Johnny Law can ban cell phone yakking whilst driving yet allow a motorist to pilot a vehicle with a canine– or two or three– sitting on his or her lap is beyond my powers of comprehension. And yet the AP tells us that “Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is vetoing a bill to fine motorists $35 for sharing the driver’s seat with lapdogs or other animals.” Other animals? Let me see if I’ve got this straight. I’m free to drive down a California road with a goat perched on my testicles but I can’t do so whilst calling my psychiatrist to ask why I’m driving with a goat perched on my testicles. I’ll pay $25 to the first reader who can direct me to a news story where an airbag blew a canine into the chest cavity of a driver, and killed the bitch (either one). Anyway, Arnie considers an anti-lap dog bill a frivolous piece of legislation. “Schwarzenegger says he’s signing only bills that are ‘the highest priority for California.'” Mind boggled. Farago out.

We’ve resisted blogging the upmarket marques’ brand-extending marketing mishegos: Bentley safes and laptops, Ferrari Barbies, Bugatti thongs, Pagani pagodas, etc. But this one takes the Maserati-shaped confectionery: a Jaeger-LeCoultre Amvox2 DBS Transponder watch. “The $37,900 timepiece, the first mechanical watch that serves as a car key, goes on sale next year,” Bloomberg reveals. Christine Giotto, a spokeswoman for Le Sentier, Switzerland-based Jaeger-LeCoultre, said the watchmaker and the car manufacturer spent 18 months creating the timepiece, whose dial resembles an Aston Martin’s dashboard counters. “A DBS owner can unlock the car’s doors by pressing the watch’s face between the numerals 8 and 9 and lock them with a press between 3 and 4. The timepiece is made from materials including 18-carat gold and ruthenium.” So it doesn’t actually start the car… Is there such a thing as suckeronium?