One of the joys of telecommuting: no actual commuting. No train ride (I’ll thank you for not spilling your coffee on my New York Times again, strangers) and no car ride. Where do I go? To my home office. The consequence is that I’ve been driving for fun and when I’m too short on time to walk the 3/4 mile trip to the grocery store. It’s a breeze parking my little VW GTI between the beheamoth luxury SUVs that have become suburban landmarks. What I always forget, while I arrogantly load up my hatchback with a 24 pack of toilet paper, is that I share a big SUV with my father – an eleven year old Ford Expedition. We bought it with 150,000 miles for about the same price as a really nice big screen TV and use it for, well what you really would need a big truck for. That means hauling lumber from Home Depot, or double sized mattresses and coffee tables simultaneously, or towing the 23 foot Chris Craft we bought to restore, or driving six of my friends comfortably to Atlantic City. While the old Ford only gets to stretch its legs once a week or so, it’s there when we do need it. It seems somewhat wasteful to have an extra car; then again, whether you consider the total cost of the small and large cars, or the carbon footprint (ahem), or the amout of gas we use, it’s all very small. I do know people with a fleet of new cars, large and small, for different tasks too. Some relatives are augmenting their current Saturn Outlook with a Saturn Astra and a MINI Cooper Clubman. That strikes me as excessive. But who am I to judge?

President Richard Nixon’s transcripts of the missing 18.5 minutes on the Watergate Tapes admitted that he’d contemplated the possibility of suborning evidence. “We could do that,” the words read. “But it would be wrong.” Of course, Tricky Dicky said no such thing. As we all know, politicians are sleaze-bags who’d steal $700b of your children’s taxes just for one more shot at re-election. But it’s a nice thought: a man of power contemplating a quick fix– who pulls back at the last second because of moral qualms. I’m sure there was an occasion when Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac’s guardians faced a similar [real] moment of truth. “We could write billions of sub-prime mortgages to people who can’t afford them… but it would be wrong.” By the same token, GM didn’t have to rely on “Zero Percent Financing for Anyone with a Pulse” to keep factories chugging along. (Ditto Ford and Chrysler.) They chose to do so. If American automakers didn’t understand the implications of their actions, we should not protect them from the consequences of their decisions. If they did, we should still stay out of it. Responsible companies find new ways to make mistakes. Irresponsible ones adhere to Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity. More than that, enabling Motown to “have another go” at doling-out easy money will only hasten their destruction, not prevent it.

I was stumbling around the Milan airport after a red-eye flight last January when I came upon a Ferrari store. I have absolutely no idea what kind of sales a store like this might rack up (or really, not rack up). Even the insanely wealthy would no doubt feel strange about wearing a $58 Ferrari t-shirt if they didn’t actually own a Ferrari. If I bought one, I’d just feel like a … well the word I’m thinking of rhymes with “bouchebag.” The rest of the merchandise, from $600 parkas to $250 silk ties was equally stupidpriced. The best explanation I can think of for the store is to keep the Ferrari brand nestled among other exotic luxury brands. But all in all, I have to say it makes my head hurt. The exception to me would be any type of event-oriented clothing (i.e. Ferrari day at the beach 2003) or something commemorative (a picture of a Ferrari 250 California, in which case you’d look like a dork rather than a poseur).

Duh.

Have your volume up for the vid.

Originally posted (without my snarky italicized comments) at Jalopnik.

10. Mazda MX-5 Retractable Hardtop
Starts off well. If you pack very light.

9. Jeep Wrangler Unlimited
Oh, this’ll be just great on the highway. I thought they said weekend trip, not off-roading camping expedition.

8. Maserati Gran Turismo S
Might as well add a Bentley while we’re at it.

7. Volkswagen Tiguan
Nope.

6. MINI Cooper Clubman
Do you have so much stuff it won’t fit in a Cooper with the rear seats folded?

5. Ford Ranger FX4
This is a joke, right?

4. Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X
I’m sure my girlfriend would love a 5 hour drive with me keeping one of these on a rolling boil.

3. BMW X6
I’d rather not send the villagers running.

2. Subaru Outback Limited 2.5 XT
Makes the most sense out of any car on the list.

1. Porsche 911 Targa 4
Sure, and do me a favor, fill the trunk with diamonds.

The Berkowitz list (and they’re all under $50k): Subaru Outback 2.5 XT, Dodge Challenger SRT8, BMW 335i, Ford Explorer, Ford Flex, Mazda MX-5, Volkswagen Jetta TDI or 2.0T, Saab 9-3 Convertible, MINI Cooper S, and Suzuki SX4.

Hours, days, weeks. I can’t even begin to tally the time I’ve wasted – flushed away, evaporated, murdered – because of eBay Motors and Craigslist and even Hemmings. I know that half the listings are frauds, and the other half are overpriced. I know that “excellent condition!!1” means well beaten and abused. And that “shows signs of wear and tear” means it was previously used to haul broken toilets. I don’t care. It’s just the ultimate window shopping, tire kicking, fantasy dreaming experience. That’s why Murilee Martin (Jalopnik) puts up those wonderful project car hell posts. Because they inevitably will be hell. Just ask Stephan Wilkinson (or to save him precious time, read his book). But I don’t have to worry about that when I’m on eBay Motors. Once I see that the engine has been replaced with a hamster on a wheel, I can just move on. “What would it be like to own a stick shift Land Rover Discovery?” Surf eBay, find one, sift through the pics, and imagine yourself in that ridiculous ride. Car picture porn online? Nothing comes close. Don’t know much about a model? Pop over to Wikipedia for some misinformation, then hit up YouTube to hear how it sounds. Best of all, the auctions last just long enough for my passing tastes to expire. Oh sure, I like the idea of a Peugeot 405 wagon this week. But next week it’ll be gone. And I won’t care, because I’ll be looking for a Buick Grand National. Or a Mercury Marauder. Or maybe an Olds Rocket 88! It doesn’t matter what your poison is, because between eBay, Craigslist, and Hemmings, they’ll cover it all. In today’s podcast, Lieberman and I have another silly argument about the wonders of Italian sports cars, among other delights from Autofiends.

Detroit’s Big Three are in serious trouble. That’s not news to anyone. Toyota and Honda, while suffering sales decreases last month, are still in the black. But the big question is where the future of the American automotive industry is – if there is one. Even if the Big Three don’t completely vanish, their continued downsizing will leave boatloads of engineers and mid-level execs without a job. Is the Silicon Valley model of business the future for the automotive industry for the next twenty years? Tesla seemed to raise plenty of dough despite immense production issues. And Carbon Motors is attempting to crank out a custom-built police car. There’s no way tiny companies like these could build enough cars for the entire US population. Nor could they compete with big boys like Toyota. But we might see a boom in purpose-built vehicles coming from smaller companies. Dodge Vipers from whoever buys the program. Electric sports cars from Tesla. An electric sedan from somebody. Carbon Motors’ police cars. Single-purpose taxicabs. And so on. Even after the small companies consolidate, it would be a clean start for the American automotive industry. Is it going to happen? No. But I’m just sayin’.

Wheels of Terror is one of the best worst movies ever made– especially if you restrict your choices to the “killer car” genre. Sure, Christine is a classic. Those of us who’ve darkened the door of a body shop (Abandon All Deductibles Ye Who Enter Here) can never forget watching the world’s first self-healing bodywork. Speaking of which, Steven King’s directorial debut, Maximum Overdrive (not to be confused with Peter North’s Maximum Thrust series), must be believed to be seen. But Wheels of Terror features the skinniest wheels I’ve ever seen on an automobile. (If you want some real donuts of doom, check out the donk scene.) No, that’s not it. A drifting school bus? Yes, but no; that’s not it either. Ah yes, the best car-off-a-cliff scene in cinematic history. I mention this because Justin and I have been busy with the cataclysmic visual metaphors lately: train wrecks, perfect storms, cliff divers, etc. Suffice it to say, there will be plenty more carnage before this downturn is done, so we’ll be cruising the nets for appropriate imagery for some time. If you could surf and listen, and provide some link suggestions here, we’d be most appreciative. Thanks!

Well we all knew it was coming. Were auto sales going to be great in the month where Lehman Brothers went into C11, Merrill Lynch had to be bought out, the taxpayers rescued AIG, and the government started voting on $1.3 trillion in spending and bailouts? Uh, no. But that didn’t soften the blow. How could it? Sales are awful for all the manufacturers, even the bright spots are dim. What does it all mean? It means the end of the era. But hey, Lamborghini has a new concept car. That makes everything okay, doesn’t it?

The Citroen GT, new Lamborghini, BMW X1, and Ford Mustang have all been “featured” in a series of teaser photos and videos over at some “other” automotive websites. They show nothing. A wheel, part of a bumper, a section of a taillight. The goal is to get the car into the news and readers’ minds, and it’s successful from a PR standpoint at doing that. But it’s also successful at pissing me off. The teasers don’t really give an indication of what a car is going to look like, which leads me to find them completely useless. I’d blame the manufacturers, but since they all do it, that’s totally futile. Rest assured, however, that when all these cars make their proper and full debuts, we’ll have pictures for you – including many shots from the Paris auto show, which begins in just a few days, thanks to our European correspondent Martin Schwoerer.

Meta media mining can make one a bummed-out blogger. I know I kinda lost it with the AutoWeek/Danbury pimpatorial. But I have this deep-seated sense of fair play that I can’t shake any more than an Amish person and their booty. If you want to know the engine propelling this site’s editorial, it’s my conviction that people deserve the truth. I’m not saying they want the truth. If there was a great hunger for unvarnished automotive editorial, we’d be one of many websites devoted to skewering four-wheeled sacred cows– despite the malevolent influence of automotive PR. Of course, that would also mean that we’d have less meta media mishegos to mine for our… minions? No, the Best and Brightest. We here at TTAC never forget the first part of that title. We know that the majority of our readers are motivated by a personal morality that compels them to do, see, discover and discuss the right thing. In these dangerous times for our economy and society, we must continue to tell the truth about cars, car making, car selling and car buying. And let the chips fall where they may.

As you’ve no doubt read, your duly elected representatives have rejected the proposed $700b Wall Street bailout plan. What happens next is anyone’s guess. Congress will undoubtably go back to the drawing board and try again. The stock market will either recover, tank some more or stay the same. The U.S. economy will either recess, depress or re-decompress. However this plays out, one thing is for sure: the days of “Zero Percent Financing for Anyone With a Pulse” are done. Dead. Finished. Over and out. Credit’s tighter than a superglued lug nut. At the same time, the market’s awash with used vehicles that no one wants. Millions of “average” people are backwards on their car loans– and scared. Even if residuals rebounded and zero percent abounded, the manufacturers can’t lure them into more debt. So they will do the right (only?) thing:nothing. They will simply pay down their existing car loans and run what they got. Meanwhile, the domestic automakers will deflate, dehydrate and die. The U.S. car market will eventually recover, but it won’t look anything like it does today. And TTAC will be there to chart the changes.

I don’t have anything else to say. Lieberman thinks the Hyundai Sonata (decent car, really) handles better than the MINI Cooper and MINI Cooper S. I think Lieberman has been hitting the wine early in anticipation of the Jewish holidays. There are, however, some cars with great enthusiast reputations that some of us are just not on board with. Lieberman doesn’t like the MINI. I don’t get the fuss over the 1-Series, Nissan 350Z, or even the Nissan GT-R. P.J. McCombs just doesn’t love the Lexus IS-F. Jay Shoemaker doesn’t dig the Maserati GT. And so on. It just goes to show, there’s nothing truly objective about cars. Even the truth. Especially the truth.

And so ends another week in the autoblogosphere. Of course, the fact that I just wrote that virtually guarantees some gi-normous auto-related story is about to break. (Lest we forget, GM always dumps its worst news into the ether on a Friday afternoon, giving the Wall Street Money Men sufficient time to commit Domicide on a few million brain cells.) I apologize for not posting the three finalists’ entries for the Muscle Car writing contest last week. My best laid plans have gone awry, overtaken by the scale, scope, severity and speed of recent events. I’ll put the unedited rants up this weekend. Meanwhile, I appreciate our entrants’ patience. And your patronage. While I enjoyed writing for TTAC before we had readers or commentators, I get a huge kick out of editing our most excellent contributors’ material and reading the Best and Brightest’s take on all things automotive. The TTAC team’s fought hard to get where we are today. We will continue to maintain our standards of writing, integrity and vitriol during these strange ass days. We’ll will continue to do everything we can to deserve your valuable time, and invaluable trust.

I believe the current economic crisis is the inevitable result of easy credit. Leading this charge (in all senses of the word): the U.S. government. Uncle Sam and his state, county and city-based cousins have been living beyond my means for decades, lavishing tax money on lobbyists’ love interests like Hugh Hefner doling-out big-breasted Bunnies to a grotto full of coked-out film producers. Yes, voters enable this behavior. Yes, companies and private individuals have also been on a drunken spree. But at this time, when two aspiring presidents are yakking about the importance of leadership, neither Senator nor ANY of their cohorts are discussing the importance of reholstering the federal teat. I find it astounding that the House of Reps can slip $25b low-interest “loans” for a doomed domestic auto industry into a housekeeping bill. It’s emblematic of all that’s wrong with our current system: digging ourselves deeper into debt to get ourselves out of debt, without making the tough choices that balancing the books requires. These days, when GM sneezes, America says bless you! And hands it The Mother of All Tissues. That ain’t right.