“Consultant” is the new way to say “unemployed.” But, from time to time, it can be quite lucrative to consult on various vague enterprises. Such was the case a few years ago when I found myself with the urge and the ability (temporary, alas) to add something truly outrageous to my personal Island of Misfit Cars. A racing buddy of mine mentioned to me that Spyker was bringing their “demo car” through Detroit. There might be a deal or two to be had. And that’s how I found myself opposite-locking a $296k car across two lanes of Troy, Michigan’s “Big Beaver Road” at the top of second gear, idly contemplating my personal liability in any potential collision while my corporate babysitter clawed feebly at his door like a kitten kneading its mother’s stomach.

No truncated suicide doors. No SUV ride height. No gimmicks. OK, there’s a Mad Max/Fast and Furious sport button in front of the gear stick that repositions the boost earlier in the drop top’s rev range (i.e., sacrifices government pleasing mpg for power) and sharpens steering. The four pot providing said oomph is a “significantly revised” (i.e., larger air intake) version of the MINI Cooper S’ 1.6-litre turbocharged mill, the same unit found in the MINI CHALLENGE race car. GOT IT? How’s this for PR sneak: “Extra-large disc brakes paired with upgraded bright red Brembo performance callipers are supplied” [italics added]. The thirty-second MINI variant (and I don’t mean the zero to sixty time of the basest of the bast models) yields 132 hp per litre and 39.8 mpg. (Highway, downwind, windows up, a/c off, one-up, no luggage.) The hardtop version was one of the fastest things I’ve ever seen down a country road, I shit thee not. This will be a genuine hoot.

Zees ees ze DS concept, timed to coincide with the last auto show standing in Geneva. (I keed. TTAC will be in The Big Apple in April for the show and a meet.) The nouvelle DS builds on the  aesthetic tradition established by the world’s most beautiful car, the original DS. Son of DS—just when you thought it was safe to worship an icon—relies on the same purity of form, startlingly simply but bold proportions, design originality and lack of affectation the made “Dessie” such a legendary design. And if you believe that, I’ve got a classically sculpted Lexus IS-F to sell you.

KBB/Carmax

1. Honda Civic /Honda Accord
2. Honda Accord/Honda Civic
3. Toyota Camry/Toyota Camry
4. Toyota Corolla/Ford Mustang
5. Nissan Altima/Nissan Altima
6. Honda CR-V/ Chevrolet Tahoe
7. Toyota Prius/Ford F-150
8. Toyota Highlander/Toyota Corolla
9. Toyota RAV4/Toyota Tacoma
10. Mazda3/Nissan Maxima
11. Toyota Yaris
12. Ford Escape
13. Honda Odyssey
14. Honda Pilot
15. Honda Fit
16. Ford Mustang
17. Chevrolet Malibu
18. Toyota Sienna
19. MINI Cooper
20. Volkswagen Jetta

Conservative talk show host Bill “I swear the nuns didn’t beat me” O’Reilly likes to rail on (and on and on) about America’s cultural degradation. In fact, it’s one of our country’s greatest strengths. Rappers who started by singing (well, shouting) the praises of capping cops end-up in Bentley-and-bling filled videos that make unbridled consumerism seem like the ultimate revenge against The Man. Hell, there ain’t nothin‘ we can’t assimilate! For profit, obviously. And the people who profit most are always the distributors. I’m not sure what Karl Marx had to say on the subject– I’ve got “How To Make a Killing off of Karl Marx” on my night table– but he who controls the distribution owns the gold. So along comes Zipcar. Nice idea: rent a car by the hour. Here’s your card. Pick up a car, swipe ‘n go. After eight long years, they get a bit of traction: 5,500 cars in 13 cities. Rad dude! I guess we’re showing those big rental companies how it should be done! Problem: Hertz.

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BMW’s second generation MINI convertible will offer an optional ‘Openometer.’ It records the time spent by the car driving around with the top down. Kind of an interior conversation piece, I guess, providing the same service a Dada coffee table book might in your swank bachelor – or bachelorette – pad. Number of G’s pulled. [ED: Number of birds pulled?] Top speed, and time spent there-– these interest me. Though they should be password protected. Instantly purgeable. Anything but open, really. Does anyone think an openometer is useful in anyway?

MINI has sent out the press release and photo pack for its new MINI convertible, and I have to say “eh.” It the same looks as the MINI hatchback, and the first generation new MINI convertible. The interior is still cartoonish, the back seat appears to be of about the same usefulness as the first gen convertible (which would be nearly none) and the trunk still has the funny fold-down tailgate. MINI says they’ve made incremental improvements (in addition to the new platform for the car, which is now the same as the hatch has had for the last two years). The roof also slides back to function as a moonroof without actually folding the whole top down, like on the last model, and now the roll hoops don’t stick out as much. Engines are the same as the MINI Cooper and Cooper S hatchback versions, so 118 or 172 ponies are your options. As for me, I’d rather have a Miata. Fortunately for MINI, loads of people won’t agree. I’d bet on a waiting list.

In 1976, Volkswagen introduced the world to the Rabbit GTi. The German pocket rocket defined a whole new class for entry-level lead foots. The DNA was simple; a lightweight, nimble chassis coupled with a high-revving fuel efficient motor, a couple of doors and a lift-gate at the back. The hot-hatch was born. Since then, grace has been replaced by grunt. Two hundred horsepower is the starting line. The Mazdaspeed 3, new GTi, and MINI Cooper S lead the way from across the ponds. Stateside, the Dodge Caliber SRT-4 and Chevrolet HHR SS bring more mass and muscle to the party. They may be a two-door stretch to the original definition, but hot and hatched they are. So are either of the latter two worth your money?

The new electric-powered MINI E has the same shape, size and style of a regular MINI. In other words, the MINI E is small. This creates a dilemma: lithium-ion batteries that are large enough to power a car are big. BMW has tackled this problem as only a team of engineers could: by removing virtually every square centimeter of usable space from the vehicle. It’s fortunate if you have no friends or children, because the back seat has been replaced by a rather prominent, sizable hump. Cargo space in the hatch area is adequate– as long as your shopping needs are limited to the occasional six-pack and baguette. Then again, who cares? The Mini E is a limited production evaluation vehicle available to just 500 early adopters, whose enthusiasm will burnish the brand but good. In case any ultimate drivers are interested, BMW claims a 150-mile range, 2.5-hour recharge time, and a 0 – 60 time of 8.5 seconds from its 204hp motor, with a top-speed limited to 95 mph (to avoid range claims in the double digits).

You ever to try to find a good hamburger? It’s not so easy. Garbage fast food is all around us. And sure; if you want a good steak you just wander into any number of fancy-pants restaurants and pay (through the nose) for a juicy bone-in rib eye. But a juicy burger you actually enjoy eating? Not so much. Switching to an automotive metaphor, all many people want is simple, basic transportation. But like a good burger, have you looked? There’s a whole gaggle of nicotine-stained grifters eager to sell you a Ford Focus. And even more well-coifed grifters are hungry to show you the joys of entry level luxury. But what if you only want a good small car? Friends, let me tell you about the Volvo C30.

Former AutoWeek scribe Jeff Sabatini is now driving a keyboard for The Wall Street Journal. While our own JL loved the Honda Fit, Sabatini sees the model as the motorist’s Messiah. “While conventional wisdom says that cheap gas should damp enthusiasm for a compact fuel-sipper, I’m not going to be deterred. The Fit is unquestionably my favorite car, a vehicle that’s the best all-around transportation available from any auto maker at any price.” Wow, talk about showing some love! “Well equipped Fits may just outdo the Mini Cooper for the cheap to buy, fun to drive, feel good drive of the year. Move over BMW, the new kid is strutting his stuff. While the iconic BMW 2002 remains a cult classic because it does much with little, today’s BMWs are porkers best suited to poseurs. The Fit has recaptured the cheap to buy, cheap to run, fun to drive crown in part by being ‘nearly 1,500 pounds lighter than, say, a BMW 5-Series, that perennial best-car-on-the-road contender.'” Jeff then takes both the Big 2.8 and Honda to task for not building more Fit-like whips…

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This question is for all the manny-tranny folks out there, so if you prefer the slush (or DSG toggles) move along. Ahem. This week Volvo has lent me a C30 T5 to review for TTAC (and Honda dropped a new Fit in my lap, but that’s another story). Anyhow, I requested that the C30 have a standard transmission because the last “premium” small car I tested was a Mini Cooper Clubman S and the autobox just killed it. Not going to let that happen this time. The C30 does in fact have a 6-speed, and it’s great because on the highway the engine spins at less than 3,000 rpm. Volvo claims 28 mpg, which might be a bit low. However, 6th gear is at the same position (back and to the right) as reverse. I’ve driven with shifters laid out like this and no matter what, I simply cannot shift into top gear without the lingering fear that I’m going to pop into reverse at 70 mph. It vexes me. With a 5-speed manual, I just don’t have this phobia. And if I do accidentally tell the transmission to go backwards at the wrong time, well, that’s my idiot fault.  But what if reverse is near first gear? That irks me, too. Why? because when parking in a tight spot I’ve mistakenly gone into 1st instead of reverse and banged into an innocent car. So, miles per gallon aside, I prefer 5-speeds.The great irony is, I actually prefer 4-speeds. I just love those long gears. And I’m weird. You?

The entire argument for choosing the MINI Clubman over the regular MINI: the MINI’s too mini. Compared to the classic MINI, the Clubman is 10 inches and 140lbs. more car. It’s like a breakfast cereal advert: “Five percent more MINI!” Of course, that misses the entire point of the cute subcompact, doesn’t it? And if it doesn’t, is that a problem? Yes.

One of the joys of telecommuting: no actual commuting. No train ride (I’ll thank you for not spilling your coffee on my New York Times again, strangers) and no car ride. Where do I go? To my home office. The consequence is that I’ve been driving for fun and when I’m too short on time to walk the 3/4 mile trip to the grocery store. It’s a breeze parking my little VW GTI between the beheamoth luxury SUVs that have become suburban landmarks. What I always forget, while I arrogantly load up my hatchback with a 24 pack of toilet paper, is that I share a big SUV with my father – an eleven year old Ford Expedition. We bought it with 150,000 miles for about the same price as a really nice big screen TV and use it for, well what you really would need a big truck for. That means hauling lumber from Home Depot, or double sized mattresses and coffee tables simultaneously, or towing the 23 foot Chris Craft we bought to restore, or driving six of my friends comfortably to Atlantic City. While the old Ford only gets to stretch its legs once a week or so, it’s there when we do need it. It seems somewhat wasteful to have an extra car; then again, whether you consider the total cost of the small and large cars, or the carbon footprint (ahem), or the amout of gas we use, it’s all very small. I do know people with a fleet of new cars, large and small, for different tasks too. Some relatives are augmenting their current Saturn Outlook with a Saturn Astra and a MINI Cooper Clubman. That strikes me as excessive. But who am I to judge?

Originally posted (without my snarky italicized comments) at Jalopnik.

10. Mazda MX-5 Retractable Hardtop
Starts off well. If you pack very light.

9. Jeep Wrangler Unlimited
Oh, this’ll be just great on the highway. I thought they said weekend trip, not off-roading camping expedition.

8. Maserati Gran Turismo S
Might as well add a Bentley while we’re at it.

7. Volkswagen Tiguan
Nope.

6. MINI Cooper Clubman
Do you have so much stuff it won’t fit in a Cooper with the rear seats folded?

5. Ford Ranger FX4
This is a joke, right?

4. Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X
I’m sure my girlfriend would love a 5 hour drive with me keeping one of these on a rolling boil.

3. BMW X6
I’d rather not send the villagers running.

2. Subaru Outback Limited 2.5 XT
Makes the most sense out of any car on the list.

1. Porsche 911 Targa 4
Sure, and do me a favor, fill the trunk with diamonds.

The Berkowitz list (and they’re all under $50k): Subaru Outback 2.5 XT, Dodge Challenger SRT8, BMW 335i, Ford Explorer, Ford Flex, Mazda MX-5, Volkswagen Jetta TDI or 2.0T, Saab 9-3 Convertible, MINI Cooper S, and Suzuki SX4.