Welcome back to Buick Death Watch! It’s been a long time; we shouldn’t have left you without a strong tale of sales woe to complain about. And just like the Jesus of the New Testament, we’re going to start our tale with a parable.

Once there was a young woman from a faraway land in the south, and she wanted to buy her very first car. She drove cars from lands far and wide, including the Orient and the Land of Cortez. When she drove the Tiny Crossover of Three Shields, she found it to be the best of them all, for it was cloaked in leather and CarPlay, and its motor held the charge of turbines within its soul.

But the moneychangers in the Temple of Finance were not pure of heart. They offered her many baubles, and some of them were tricks of the devil himself — rebates for students of the Word of False Prophets, owners of cars from other lands, and more. The young woman did not qualify for any of these, but the moneychangers were devious, and they promised them to her anyway. And, lo, they delivered, giving her a total of $6,250 in rebates, but only if she would sign the parchment by the second day of the fourth moon. Thus, the woman drove away in the crossover, relinquishing nothing but $200 a month for the next three harvests.

Click the jump and I’ll tell you why all of this means Buick is hosed.

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In the tradition of TTAC’s august founder, it’s time to do some old-fashioned myth busting about General Motors. Specifically, we’re going to talk about a myth that many of you were perpetrating in the comments of our first installment in our new Buick Death Watch series — specifically the fallacy that Buick GMC dealers “need to have Buick to have cars to sell,” or that “dealers would sue GM if they killed Buick.”

Not even, man.

I mean, if they had ever sold that bad-ass Avista pictured up there, then maybe, but Buick’s car lineup has left much to be desired in the eyes of consumers and dealers. I’ll explain a component of General Motors’ dealer compensation called “Standards For Excellence” to you, and then we’ll look at charts and numbers and data and stuff. Ready to have your preconceived notions challenged? GO!

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