Earlier this year, FoMoCo assembled a panel of “futurists” and “trend spotters” from academia, nonprofit organizations and the private sector to identify trends that could impact future product development. While people who’d never read Wired might say Ford needs to put out the fire in the kitchen before they make blueprints for a new bedroom, it’s also true that those who do not see the future are condemned to flashing double zeros on their VCR– I mean DVD-R. Anyway, at the risk of clouding Ford’s crystal ball, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a couple of potential news releases as a rough guide to future automotive trends…
Hummer H7 Debuts General Motors have finally unveiled their latest Hummer model, the H7. The H7 is Hummer’s first front wheel-drive SUV, sharing its basic platform and drivetrain with the Chevrolet Aveo. Bob Lutz, GM’s 107-year old Vice Chairman Emeritus, spoke enthusiastically about the new model: “The H7 shows Hummer’s firm commitment to improving fuel economy while providing all the off-road capability our market studies show the typical Hummer buyer needs.”
The H7 comes standard with 18” chrome wheels, nine inches of ground clearance, running boards and a snorkel-style air intake for its 1.2-liter hybrid diesel engine (licenced from Briggs & Stratton), along with five cup holders capable of holding Starbucks’ new gigantesco latte. Options include brush bars, a skid plate package, parking assist and hands-free cell phone. Prices are expected to start in the low-to-mid-20s, and fall from there.
Bill Ford's Operation Called a Success The Ford Motor Company announced today that former Chairman Bill Ford recently completed a highly experimental medical procedure. According to company Press Secretary Haki Yamomota, Mr. Ford’s radical new spine transplant was a complete success. Ford, who surrendered control of the family-owned automaker to CEO Alan Mulally immediately prior to its sale to Toyota, is already making some “bold moves.” “His digestion is obviously in working order,” Yamamoto said. “He’ll start making tough decisions any day now."
Ford’s rehabilitation will continue with a special regimen of tasks designed to help him stand on his own two feet. “He’ll begin by telling his valet what he wants to wear for the day, without being able to change his mind, delegate the decision, fire or change the job title of any member of his domestic staff. From there, we hope he’ll figure out something to do with Ford’s two remaining Brands.”
Porsche PU Hot on the heels of the successful Panamera sedan, Porsche AG has released concept drawings of a new pickup truck designed specifically for the American market, based on its next-generation Cayenne SUV. “The partial success of luxury vehicles like the Escalade EXT and the Lincoln Mark LT just about proved that Americans will buy anything with a pickup bed attached, regardless of price, utility or need,” claims Werner Schnitzel, Chief of New(ish) Product Development. “Our research clearly shows that there’s a market for a luxury-performance- off-road pickup truck for owners who’ve already bought our sports car, SUV and sedan.”
Schnitzel said the prototype Porsche pickup has been tested at the legendary Nürburgring race track, where it removed large pieces of privately owned exotic cars without incident. Schnitzel denied rumors that Porsche was developing an amphibious performance-speedboat-off-road-delivery van.
Car & Driver Names 100Best In response to Motor Trend’s new “Car of the Week” award, Car and Driver released their “100Best” issue today. Editor-in-Chief Portly Emmental explained, “There are so many good cars out there today that restricting ourselves to ten vehicles didn't make any economic sense.” The winners included everything built by BMW and Honda, along with a token Chevrolet and Chrysler. In a totally unrelated press release, Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S. announced that the words "Special Advertising Section" will now appear on the main cover of the magazine.
BMW Rebuffs Criticism of iCan’tDrive155 BMW went on the offensive today in response to the criticism aimed at their new control system, referred to by its detractors as iCan’tDrive155. The new voice-activated system operates everything from the glove box door operation to steering, and only responds to commands in perfectly inflected German. BMW claims the device was designed to make BMW's the ultimate hands-free driving machine. Owners report that the “hands-free” part of the system works fine, as they can’t figure out how to get the doors open.
Rejecting the complaints, spokesmeister Dieter Badenhoff stated “We know what is best for BMW owners. If they are unwilling to learn the proper operation of the system there’s nothing we can do.” In other news, the BMW's legal department has been granted a restraining order prohibiting anyone working for The Truth About Cars website to move any closer than 100 feet from any vehicle produced by BMW, or use any word rhyming with "bunt" in any product description.
The Truth About Cars Begins Toyota Death Watch Editor Robert Farago says he began the series due to the large number of Chinese built cars stealing market share from domestically-produced Toyotas. "It's only a matter of time," Farago said.
We offer these predictions in the hope it will help Ford develop a clearer vision of the automotive future. It’s at least as accurate– and much cheaper– than calling the Psychic Friends Network.
Frank, you forgot one headline from the future: “Farago begins Toyota Deathwatch”
Nice! Very reminiscent of Sniff Petrol with a Yank angle. The winners included everything built by BMW and Honda, along with a token Chevrolet and Chrysler LMAO
You forgot the Hummer H8 (SNWS – there will be bad language on the website readable from several feet back). http://www.hummerh8.com
Great Write-up
I think I read somewhere that Porsche was (or is?) seriously considering a SUT… and wants to compete in the NASCAR Truck series. It has to be BS.
Cute.
I used to be disgusted – now I’m just amused.
Thanks for contributing to the amusement.
C’Mon Frank, everyone knows the H7 will be a hybrid 1.2l diesel
Great ideas, SherbornSean and Kurt B! They’ve been added. Anyone have other thoughts on news releases we may see in the not-too-distant future?
In response to Motor Trend’s new “Car of the Week†award, Car and Driver released their “100Best†issue today. Editor-in-Chief Portly Emmental explained…
Now that’s just good comedy.
Anyone have other thoughts on news releases we may see in the not-too-distant future?
Sure:
Today, GM shipped the first batch of its HGH-equipped trucks to customers. HGH stands for hydrogen-compatible gasoline hybrid, developed as a joint venture with several other manufacturers. Hybrid drivetrain, licensed from AUTOVAZ, allows the 9000lb machines to get respectable 14mpg fuel economy, while sophisticated fuel cell technology permits using hydrogen as fuel, legally making the new GMT90000’s zero-emissions vehicles in California. The HGH option will be immediately available on Cadillac ElNino, GMT Montana, Buick Dejavu, Pontiac Maya, Chevrolet Nickel, Saab 9-9 Hydro, Hummer H2O, Saturn Hue, and the newly launched Oldsmobile Alpha 99. Duriung the press conference today, CEO Rick Wagoner praised the new drivetrain – “This is the next big thing”.
Following the HGH press conference, GM released their second-quarter results, which showed profits of $200m – compared to losses of $5.6bn a year ago. Projected reductions in CAFE fines due to HGH, and including 10-year expected profits from licensing hydrogen cell technology contributed to making this the first profitable quarter in years. GM stock rose 12% on Monday.
In a separate development, Mirca Hydrogen International opened a hydrogen filling station in Wazoo, Beechem County, Alabama – making it the first retail fuel cell recharging station outside of Indiana.
General Motors finally relocates HQ
After decades of criticism for being myopic, GM has taken the first step to branch out from Michigan, announcing they will move all corporate decision-making positions within two years to Seoul, where the majority of production for both GM brands has gravitated over the past 20 years.
And you could add the announcement by the HSF that all new cars now have had incorporated into their black boxes and advanced telematic systems a mode that instantly downloads all crash vehicle data including speed, braking, use of cell phone, music volume and driver retinal scan to local law enforement.
…And the remnants of Ford Motor Company led by the “new” Bill Ford has finally arrived at a right sized business, producing 1 vehicle with an annual volume of 10,000 units. The velnerable Edge now in its 20th year of production has gone through another minor refresh, made possible by Ford’s revamped “Yet Another Way” product development cycle. The remaining engineer characterized the addition of 3 new VP’s to track his progress in finding more content to remove as helpful.
Dodge Viper now leading cause of death among men 18-34. Ironically, favorite method of suicide, too.
Seriously, this is the best TTAC article I have read.
Buick Launches Innovative New “Paranormal” Marketing Campaign as Last Potential Buyer Dies
Over the past decades, Buick has tried – and failed – to attract younger buyers into its showrooms. Now, with the passing of the brand’s last potential buyer, marketing executives have unveiled a bold new strategy to market vehicles directly to the dearly departed…
i actually wish Hummer would have something smaller, you Know Samurai Sized. Or maybe Suzuki could just send the states the Jimny.
But i am pretty sure that Maybach is going to have an economy car to expand their customer base
Alanp:
And you could add the announcement by the HSF that all new cars now have had incorporated into their black boxes and advanced telematic systems a mode that instantly downloads all crash vehicle data including speed, braking, use of cell phone, music volume and driver retinal scan to *your insurance company*.
Fixed it for ya.
Visionary Vehicles Unveils Latest BMW Killer
Reuters – Jan 15, 2020
VVs CEO Malcolm Bricklin announced the immediate availability of the VV5 sedan yesterday which is the performance variant of the sector leading VV560 luxury sedan. Bricklin claims that this new sedan built in the new VV factory in Lhasa City would cement his company’s stronghold as the world’s number one luxury vehicle brand.
On the subject of the new plant, Bricklin noted that joining forces with fellow centenaire Kirk Kerkorian and moving the factory part by part from Flint Mich was the best move he’s ever made. This new vehicle set the world’s fastest prodution time record moving from concept to finished product in 5 short months after the concept VV5’s smash debut at the Shanghai autoshow.
Don’t forget the headline “GM Deathwatch #900,103”
Headline from the Future:
“TTAC picks the ChrysFordGM Sidewinder as Car of the Decade.” TTAC praised the vehicle for its “immediate road feedback (IRF)” and “90 degree turn (90DT)” systems, which rely on the combination of a driver’s seat placed under the front axle and a sea anchor that can be dropped instantly prior to a right hand turn and just as quickly retracted following the turn, to create what TTAC editors referred to as “the penultimate driving experience.” The G forces are “fierce but medically tolerable,” said the editors. They also observed that ChrysFordGM’s policy of selling the vehicle only to unmarried unchilded 20-year olds “may seem discriminatory at first blush, but is justified based on a careful consideration of consumer needs.”
that was really funny thanks, i needed a laugh.
FORD MUSTANG
New Ford CEO Billy Jim Joe Jim Ford proudly intorduced today Way Forward(tm) Part Seven: The Mustang.
“This new Mustang represents generations of proud Ford heritage. Features such as live-axles front and rear promise pony car fans will still be able to buy poor handling American cars with increasingly expensive models in five hosepower incriments. What ever that means. LETS GET DRUUUUNK!!”
Mr. Ford then spent the rest of the press conference shotgunning beer and occasionally shooting guns into the air.