T’was two weeks before Christmas
And all through Detroit,
The car makers were hustling,
But they weren’t too adroit.
They all had such high hopes,
To end up the year,
With a good bottom line
To bring Christmas cheer.
But GM Rick is floundering,
‘Cause his products are stuck,
Way back in the ‘90’s,
He’s plain out of luck.
Poor Chrysler is struggling
To sell what they can.
Doctor Z hasn’t helped them;
Guess he needs a new plan.
Across town at Ford,
All hope’s on Mulally,
But it’s looking quite doubtful
That his sales will soon rally.
Yes, things look quite grim
For the Big Two Point Five,
Yet we all keep on hoping
That they’ll somehow survive.
When Santa hit town,
He just shook his white head.
He scoped out their products
And finally said:
“You know at one time,
American cars stood,
For innovation and change,
And all that was good,
For comfort and style,
And bang for the buck.
Now all I can see,
Are ladder frame trucks.
There’s front wheel drive Jeeps,
And Fords rebadged as Lincoln.
A Cadillac truck?
What have you been drinkin’?
The pistonheads begged me,
To come help all you guys.
I’ll do what I can,
But you must realize-
You’re in pretty deep;
There are no magic pills,
Just hard work and focus,
And leave off the frills.
You’ve let the beancounters
Make every decision;
Your products are suffering,
You need a new vision.
You’ve too many products,
You’ve spread yourselves thin,
Trying to cover all markets,
It’s time to reel in.
Platform sharing’s just fine,
It can help control costs,
But stop badge engineering,
To regain what you’ve lost.
Stay true to your brands
With unique product lines;
Make each vehicle distinct
And you’ll all do just fine.”
Then all three of them huddled
To discuss what they’d heard.
Could this be the answer?
They thought it absurd.
“No way!” they all said,
As they talked ‘mongst themselves.
“What could this guy know?
He should go back to his elves!”
So they told Santa “Leave!
And get out of this place,
We know more than you;
Now get out of our face!”
He shook his head sadly
As he climbed on his sleigh;
He just couldn’t believe them,
Then they all heard him say
“I gave it my best shot,
I tried what I could,
What you get, you deserve.
And you’ll get what you should.
My last bit of advice,
Since you don’t know what class is;
Get your big swelled heads out
Of your dumb corporate asses!”
LOL. Great work! (If you take requests, next time I’d like a Hiaku.)
Seriously, this is Editorial of the Year material.
WCM:
Let’s have a haiku then.
And if anyone else feels inspired, the floor is yours.
Since women love poetry, you should get laid often for this one.
The big two point five,
Weighted down by arrogance,
Hope for miracles.
Frank: you sir have outdone yourself. That was amazing, how do you come up with this stuff?
Thanks everyone.
That was quite funny.
I snorted snot on my lip.
I need a tissue.
I wish they would publish this in the Detroit News, or Free Press. It would seriously lighten the mood around town.
GM takes a dive
tumbling down rabbit hole
Just take the blue pill
Here are the “rules” for haiku:
The first line contains five (5) syllables
The second line seven (7) syllables
The third line contains five (5) syllables
We’re talking a total of 17 syllables in 3 lines.
As JL would say, just saying…
Just saying,
On Suicide watch
New Sebring is at my house
Dr. Z wants [???] dead
America now
Humorless but perfect too
Give us our Camrys
Beans counted in langor,
Passion drips like too slow oil,
The lines now cease to amaze.
Need turnaround plans?
Call Wendelin Wiedeking
He’ll know just the thing
More cars come rolling,
Futility incarnate;
Die old warriors, die.
Honda toyota
Quality is guarrenteed
Job banks overflow
Why is it when I try a haiku someone ALWAYS posts the rules after my attempt? I believe mine is 5/7/5 if I use GM as 2.
Great work Frank… This is one for the ages.
Help us Herr Wolfgang
Inventory amasses
Too many Aspens!
Mullaly’s new plane
Leapfrogged way over Airbus
How ’bout Toyota?
The daily reading
Always most entertaining
I love this website
Frank,
That was awesome. Thanks.
Domestic abuse
Continues unabated
Despite real progress
Mercury scores high
On quality surveys, yet
No one gives credit
Buick is also
Regularly near the top
But to no applause
“Worship Toyota”
Demands the auto press core
Even as recalls mount
“Kneel Before Honda”
Croon the automotive scribes
From their new Civics
They hate their home teams
And refuse to give real due
To Detroit Progress
I can’t imagine
Why improvements do not get
More written effort
Mercury rated
Above Honda, Toyota
In JDPowers
But no mention made
Just more Camry and Accord
worship will ensue.
I do not ever
Want credit taken away
From quality gains
Or technology
That saves our fuel and lives
Pioneered abroad.
I just want credit
Given wherever it’s due,
Not just to Japan.
The car media
Has been hostile even when
Detroit gets it right
So if I don’t find
The above poem funny
I’m just too worn down
Hey Santa Claus
What I wish for this Christmas
Is just a FAIR game.
This was long-winded
For that, I apologize
Thank you for playing.
Three domestic guards
lost in the forest of pride.
Spring saplings grow quick.
Buick? Mercury?
Better get act together
or face extinction.
You want a fair game?
How ’bout Jeremy Clarkson?
He’s harsh on all cars.
porsche performance
sure makes driving one so cool
even for a fool
ah such great snack time reading…
Frank and other posters – Great work, very entertaining.
I don’t want to put words in Rabid Rick’s mouth, but my guess is that his reply to Frank would go something like this:
‘Twas two weeks before Christmas
And out in web-land,
Frank slams us again,
They just don’t understand
We’ve dealt with the union,
and slashed discount deals,
but you still think our stuff
is just crap on four wheels
This time our turnaround
will not go south
If Maximum Bob
keeps his foot from his mouth
Relay and Envoy
are going away,
From now on, it’s sunshine
and blue skies each day
Our new stuff’s fantastic,
please give it a chance,
We’ll have Frank, Jay, and Jonny
just poopin’ their pants
So give us a fair shake,
your rants we’re not buyin’,
Or I’ll have Santa leave you
a used Saturn Ion
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And down at TTAC,
No creature was stirring
Not one single hack.
For RF had tucked us
All safe in our beds,
Where ludicrous metaphors
Ran through our heads.
We dreamed of articles
Both great and absurd,
Ninety zingers for K-Fed
In just eight hundred words.
Perhaps some nostalgia
For the manual choke;
Or another installment
Of “When Will GM Croak?”
Then up on the roof
There rose such a din:
Christ! Henry Ford’s goons
Sent to do us in!
But no, ‘Twas not enforcers,
To give us a fright,
Just some fat fokker
Dressed in red and white.
“Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!
I’m Saint Nick,” he said,
“And I’ve come here to let
You test drive my sled!”
We all jumped at the chance
Frank got quite yelly,
“The suspension,” said Bill
“Shakes like a bowl full of Jelly.”
“The styling,” said Jay,
“Takes a backseat to the sleighing.”
“A WRX Wagon’d do the job,”
Said JL, “Just sayin…”
We poked holed in the steering,
And the Reindeers’ pollution,
We sneered at shoddy elf-work
And never posed a solution
“Dear Santa,” we cried,
“Your sled’s crap, as a whole.”
And now, for Christmas
We’re all getting Coal.
For more automotive haiku…
http://www.cartalk.com/content/features/haiku/11.24-2.html
RF, here is my attempt at Haiku vis-a-vis the Big 2.5:
GM must begin to do
What Ford is itself now trying to
As Chrysler reacquires its legacy.
I have to wonder what, if anything, the late Charles Bukowski would do with this topic.
Good stuff guys!
I have to respectfully disagree with the stanza (and a half) below. American cars had drum brakes, bench seats (that did not recline), no synchro for low gear on 3-speed transmissions), worm gear steering, tires/wheels 6″ inboard from body sides. Imports, even at the low end, had disc brakes, reclining bucket seats, synchromesh 4-speed trannies, rack and pinion steering, wheels at the edges/corners. The difference in the driving experience was like day and night. But American cars did have fins and two-tone paint jobs and chrome. That is until they evolved into FWD fuddy-duddies with fender caps and ho-hum styling. No wonder we are here now.
“You know at one time,
American cars stood,
For innovation and change,
And all that was good,
For comfort and style,
And bang for the buck.