If you think it's hard keeping up with the auto industry on a daily basis, you should try figuring out what the future holds. Just five years ago, no one would have predicted an aircraft executive would be running Ford, Chrysler'd still be selling Vipers (or Pacificas or much of anything) or GM would be embracing hybrids. So what's going to happen in the next five or ten years? It's hard to say. But since we've never been known to lack for an opinion on anything, here's a look at the future, TTAC-style.
GMNA Files for Nonprofit Status – After losing money for the past 25 years, General Motors North America filed with the IRS for status as a non-profit organization. CFO-for-Life Fritz Henderson explained the rationale behind the move: "After all that business with the Volt's windshield wipers, we finally realized we're never going to turn a profit with our North American operation. So Rick and I decided we should get the maximum benefit from our situation and write-off the salaries of all our executives." In other news, GM said it was developing a new, rear wheel-drive platform for its "premium economy" Saab, Saturn, Pontiac, Buick and Cadillac models.
Ford Renews Wagner's Contract – Even though Mercury's last customer died five years ago, Ford has announced that they've extended spokesperson Jill Wagner's contract for another three years. "Jill's got– I mean is our finest asset," said Ford's President of Public Appearances, Mark Fields. "She'll continue to appeal– I mean appear in all our commercials." When asked why there were no cars shown in the ads, Fields replied "That's not part of the process."
smart USA Announces New Marketing Program – smart USA has revealed that they've formed a partnership with NBC's reality show "The Biggest Loser" to promote their ailing automotive brand. Spokesman Harold Clark denied that the company had asked Mark Burnett to change the show's title to "The Smallest Loser," and promised that the product placement deal would show the slow-selling city car in a highly favorable light. "This year, the first person to lose enough to fit into the smart wins the contest and the car. Additional prizes will be given to those contestants who finish the show weighing less than the fortwo." When reminded that the brand's tie-in with the reality show "Little People. Big World" hadn't stemmed the sales slump, Clark replied "I told you not to tell me that."
Lincoln Introduces New Model – Ford's worldwide luxury Lincoln division unveiled their new MK7W8R4Z. The new model's based on the latest U.S.-spec four-door Ford Focus. Continuing Lincoln's new "Reach Backwards" theme, it features a four-cylinder engine connected to a five-speed automatic transmission, with an upright grille, padded vinyl top and spare tire bulge in the deck lid. The MK7W8R4Z comes with SYNC 6.7, which promises to fix the bugs found in SYNC version 1.0 to 6.6.
Chrysler Completes Outsourcing – Cerberus has completed the final stages of Chrysler's "It's a New Day" program by licensing the Jeep name to Mahindra & Mahindra (M&M). This marks the end of Cerberus' venture into auto manufacturing. Over the last two years, they licensed the Chrysler model names to China's Chery and the Dodge model names to India's Tata Motors. "This certainly is a ‘New Day' for Cerberus, as they reap license fees from M&M Jeeps and Tata Magnums," explained former Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli from his yacht, the Golden Parachute.
Kirk Kerkorian Dead at 117 – The AP reports that billionaire Kirk Kerkorian died three years ago at the age of 117. Friends of the "Lion of Las Vegas" were shocked by the news. "Who knew? Kerkorian mouthpiece Jerry York had spoken for him for so long that everyone just took it on faith that he was saying what Kerkorian told him." "I just thought he was taking another nap," York explained. "Anyway, I've worked for him so long that I knew what he wanted in any given situation. I just didn't see the point of bothering him." When questioned about the future of Kirkorian's Tracinda Corporation, York indicated he wasn't worried. "Kirk gave me power of attorney 10 years ago."
President Clinton Raises CAFE Standards to 100mpg by 2030 – President Hillary Clinton announced she's working with Congress to raise Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) requirements. "There is no reason why a combination of good old American know-how and massive federal subsidies can't create vehicles capable of driving 100 miles per gallon of E85 gasoline, with zero emissions," Clinton said. When asked how much the new technology would cost the average consumer, President Clinton said "Nothing– at least as far as they know."
So this is what auto news at The Onion is like.
The last one is just plain scary.
Hypothetical though it may be, I just got a chill seeing the words “President Hillary Clinton” in print.
Steve, CRC, what do the words “President George W. Bush” do for you?
By the way, returning to the topic of recreation, yesterday is the 2-year anniversary of Cheney shooting his buddy in the face and then not bothering to tell the police. Just sayin’.
What’s scary about that last one is it is almost believable she would say that 100 mpg CAFE was readily attainable.
At least you included some good news. Jill Wagner’s contract being renewed.
tonycd :
February 12th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Steve, CRC, what do the words “President George W. Bush” do for you?
Make me sleep better at the night than the words “President Hillary Clinton (and Bubba)”.
I’d rather have Jill Wagner as president. Actually I’d rather have Jill period!
GM reports record $100 billion loss for 2015, turn around “on track” – AN report that GM president for life, Rick Wagoner, reports that the record loss sets GM up for a much improved 2016. The turn-around plan is actually proceeding right on schedule, which is why the GM board of directors agreed to pay Wagoner a record (performance related) bonus of $1 billion. “We wanted to recognize Mr. Wagoner’s hard work” the board anounced in a joint statement…
All I have to say is Yay, Jill!
But I wonder if the same news (Jill Wagner’s contract being renewed) will be just as warmly accepted in 2075…
The GMNA Nonprofit status was hilarious, only because it’s so easily imagined.
As was the Last one about Hillary Clinton. But really, you could have plugged ANY of the current candidates’ names in there and gotten the same laugh out of me. Again, only because it’s so easily imagined coming from any of their mouths.
Pretty humorous. Reminded me to google Jill Wagner just for the heck of it :)
I enjoyed the last part and thought, “Well, if HillaryCare was a possibility I guess HillaryCar could happen.”
Of course, current polling says Hillary isn’t likely to win the nomination, let alone the Presidency, but we’re only beginning to see the depths she is willing to go (i.e. swearing she wouldn’t campaign in Florida or Michigan, and then leaving her name on the Michigan ballot and campaigning in Florida…and then asking the DNC to reseat their delegates when Obama had as many designated delegates as her).
TonyCD – I’m not scared by GWB…except for the economy stimulus plan he just passed along with Pelosi and Reid. Cheney accidentally shot his friend in the face so badly the friend barely has scars from the buckshot. Obama and Clinton want to nationalize health care without discussing the costs of such a venture, the crisis of social security, or the ridiculous congressional spending and $9 trillion debt. I’m more scared of those options.
Frank Williams – See what happens when you add some political humor to your posts? I’m on a car website entering a comment about politicians….
My submission: GM closes down Pontiac and moves the G8 to become a Chevy model. The solstice continues on as a revised sky, the G5 remains the Cobalt, and very few people actually notice.
Joe
Funny about GM going non-profit. I’ve always felt that with all its retirement liabilities, GM should get out of the car biz and become a health care provider, a la Kaiser Steel. They are on the hook anyhow, and they might actually make money at it.
General Motors becomes General Medical.
GMNA Files for Nonprofit Status: that would actually make things worse.
GM is one of the few companies for which taxes are a profit center.
To see my take on Health Car Reform, go to motorlegends.com, click on CarToons, and scroll down until you see the ’37 Plymouth.
GWB not scary?
The whole world hates us, when right after 9-11, they were all on our side.
We’re spending probably thousands per taxpayer annually on that damn unnecessary war in Iraq, and Iraq is now a breeding ground for terrorists.
The global gag rule, which he reinstated his first day in office, prevents US family planning money–which is pretty sparse these days, anyway, from going to groups abroad that so much as mention the word, “abortion,” causing the population to boom much faster than it otherwise would at a time when food prices are soaring, energy prices are soaring, etc., because some of the developing nations are becoming wealthier.
Bush abetted illegal immigration throughout most of his watch.
Why no condescending remarks about Toyota? Nissan? Honda?
Presumably because they’re all sitting fairly pretty, marketwise.
Skooter: you seen much lately that would be easily satirized among those companies?
How about this: after taking some heat for slipping product quality, Toyota, with a renewed focus, has once again become the standard-bearer for the industry.
Oh wait. That isn’t satire, nor is it remotely humurous. That won’t do.
I know, I know. Try this: after years of being the only major international automotive company without a single V8 engine in its product offering, Honda has unveiled its first V8, destined for the 2012 Ridgeline, and the Acura NSX and RL models. The OHV engine displaces 4.2 liters and red-lines at 8500 rpm, stumping up an impressive 355HP. Using technologies like direct injection, variable valve timing, and multiple-displacement the aluminum engine is expected to deliver 28mpg city/36mpg highway when fitted to an Acura RL with 9-speed automatic.
Darn, still not satire, and still not amusing.
AP – Jan 21st, 2015 Embarrased Chinese officials admit that in the previous decade their nation’s auto manufacturers failed to anticipate the next Great Leap Forward, so failed to copy any of the most advanced technologies from established manufacturers. This has left them without the know-how to build ethanol engines, electric vehicles or in-car distraction aides. As a result, Chery and Great Wall Motors now offer an affordable and functional product line that is perfectly poised to dominate the sub-compact and compact segments of the US auto market while raking in a tidy profit.
To remedy this, Chinese government officials have instituted a new policy to ensure that their intellectual property thieves remain focused on cutting-edge technologies, which is summed up by the (translated) rallying cry; “Glorious people is successing when strongly un-leaded into future.”
tonycd
funny that, it struck me as odd at the time. I hope that if I am ever in that awkward sort of predicament, that the police will be just as understanding.
Great article. I’ve always thought TTAC should do a humour piece from time to time. It would be a nice break from the rampant negativity in most other posts.
year 2050. GM folds in the last division- Cadillac Software mega-Turbo Incorporated. After failing to sell CGI caddies to Hollywood and red-inking in pushing Cadillac Royal Katnips, GM CEo Ritz Wagoneer( Rick`s clone) signs a new go-ahead program in acquiring toyota, honda and all the german luxury brands in order to significantly embedd GM global portfolio in lucrative markets.
Chrysler uses old versions of mahindra 20ies platforms in order to get foothold in developing US markets and finally fight the imports. Chrysler , in order to differentiate their sheetmetal from mahindra, mahindra, And Mahindra Co, gives a go-ahead for using different colour cues and larger cupholders for supersize Dr.Pepper or akin soda.
US forensic expertize court creates a new software that allows crashed ford products to tell apart from mazdas. otherwise in crashes where a badge has flown off , even Jay Jr. Leno has no clue of origin of the due car. Ford creates a joint venture with Mattel to enter lucrative markets for very pony sized vehicles.