Suppose you are British, work for an ad agency, and your client wants you to promote an inoffensive but generic soft-ute with a vegetably name, so that it (the Nissan Qashqai) seems interesting, even sexy. Why, you'd go for Viral Marketing, as one does, and maybe even poke some cheap fun at eastern Europeans, just like Borat did! This YouTube video is but one of several "quirky" attempts to make the car that Clarkson calls the Cumquat seem both competent (look how it scales walls!) and non-generic. Does it work? Maybe– the idea of a Polish Harry Houdini works better than it sounds. Does it hurt feelings? Probably. Note to Nissan: when your uncle tries to pull off some Polish jokes after three martoonies, you grin and bear it, because you love him. And SB Cohen is OK because he employs subversive humor to show the darker side of frat boys and antisemitic cowboys. But when a company portrays Poles as dumb hicks in an attempt to push more product, it's plain evil.

Here's a QOTD that doesn't involve me pumping gas… Yesterday we heard news that Ford and the General are talking about collaborating on an engine. Today we see that there's a 95 percent chance that one of 'em will go bust sooner than later. They already work together (to some extent) on transmissions and they all share suppliers. So why not just make like Ze Germans and merge? Take VW/Porsche as an example. Volkswagen owns Audi as well as every other non-French make in Europe. And while the whole story is murky, Porsche now owns Volkswagen. So, if Porsche wants a V6 or an SUV they just take what they need. Simple. With Detroit in a perpetual game of chase the Japanese, wouldn't it make sense to own up to their failings (stop laughing), pool their collective resources and start really competing on a worldwide scale? Instead of three full-size pickups, offer just one. Fusion, Malibu, Sebring (OK, you can laugh at that last one)– none are as good as the Camcord and they only steal sales from each other. Besides, the Fusion and Sebring are essentially rebadged Japanese cars anyhow. With one big Detroit taking its A game to the world stage, at least they'd have a chance. Right?

Exchanging emails with GM's VP for R&D Larry Burns, Design News reveals that the plug-in electric – gas hybrid Volt's much-discussed 2010 "completion" date means "selling Chevrolet Volt to real customers in 2010." But Burns admits that there's a small "challenge." "One of the important challenges remaining is proving ten-year, 150,000-mile life when we're developing the battery over a three-year timeframe," acknowledges Burns. "Obviously, we'll protect the customer in this regard with our warranty, but we still need to prove out the required durability." Or… plan to take a bath on warranties six or seven years in? Then there's the issue of quality control; the Volt's "battery packs will each have 200-300 cells, which need to work all the time." As opposed to regular cars which you can just kind of slap together? Anyway, it's not long before Burns is making his case for Uncle Sam's assistance. "The industry is transitioning from the old automotive DNA of stand-alone vehicles that are powered by internal combustion engines, energized by petroleum and largely controlled mechanically," says the R&D VP. "We're moving to a new DNA that encompasses electrically driven vehicles energized by electricity or hydrogen, controlled electronically and 'connected' to other vehicles and the infrastructure." And that means "government is an equal partner with the auto industry and the energy industry in realizing the transformation to advanced propulsion vehicles." So… "we're also going to need government help in the way of incentives." Yes way.

While The Big D2.8 try to get their product-related shit together in a post $4-a-gallon world, their vulnerability in the still-shaky credit markets threatens to throw them into bankruptcy. Which is why Chrysler was so hell-bent on renewing its $30b credit facilities, regardless of the high costs of default protection. Automotive News [sub] reports that the facility has been rescued, although this time around Chrysler Financial could only hustle up $24b. No worries, say ChryFi spokesfolks. They claim that's all they need now that they've abandoned the leasing game. Some 90 percent of the new credit facility is being backed by banks that were part of the original financing, suggesting that financial firms are doubling down on the troubled automaker. Chrysler won't say exactly what interest rates are being charged on the facility. But given the high default risks of all domestic automakers, it's safe to assume that Auburn Hills isn't getting a charity handout. After all, that's the government's job, not Wall Street's. And until such time as government-backed cheap credit becomes available, Chrysler (et al) will continue to hemorrhage cash to keep credit lines like this one open. Like the poet said, mo' credit, mo' problems.

BMW was once known for the elegant simplicity of its vehicle lineup, but no more. Now the Boyz of Bayern must spend as much time imagining lifestyles and creating vehicles for them as they do developing new platforms. After all, if you can tweak a few chassis to reflect the infinitely variable lifestyle statements of postmodern life, why would you actually work on making your model line more broadly diverse? You wouldn't if you like profit like BMW likes profit. Accordingly, Auto Motor und Sport has spy photos of the latest BMW why-mobile, the "Progressive Activity Sedan" or PAS. What exactly are we looking at under the black camouflage? A fastback version of the five series, which will offer four-door coupe looks with better rear-seat room than say, a Mercedes CLS. Sound familiar? That's because it basically takes the X6 formula and plops it on the next-generation five series. Within a year or so of the PAS's 2009 launch (no word yet on American availability), BMW will sport no fewer than four four-door utes (X1, X3, X5, X6) and five four-door sedans (1, 3, 5, 7, and PAS series) in its European market lineup. In fact, Bimmer nearly went for a tenth model, the X7 (hilariously imagined as an extended model here), but AM und S says that it's been canceled. And if you think Norbert Reithofer's decision to can the X7 means BMW is aware of its bloated four-door lineup, think again. The weak dollar and high gas prices get all the blame. And shopping for a four-door BMW just got a tiny, tiny bit easier.

According to UniCredit SpA [via Bloomberg], one of America's three biggest automakers is almost certain to default within the next five years. Extrapolating from risk premiums on credit-default swaps, GM faces an 84 percent chance of default, while Ford is looking at "at least 75 percent risk." Jochen Felsenheimer, chief of credit strategy at UniCredit, says "The costs imply there is close to 100 percent probability that one of the big three will file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy." And there's little the D3 can do to prevent default if the overall economic climate doesn't improve– and soon. "There might be a default at any time.'' It's the Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs), stupid. A variant of the Structured Investment Vehicles that brought down the mortgage market, CDO's are securities that repackage pools of bonds, loans and credit-default swaps and divide their cash flow into notes of varying risk and returns, which are then sold to investors. Credit-default swaps on GM and Ford were included in more than 80 percent of CDOs created before they lost their investment-grade debt rankings in 2005, according to Standard & Poor's. Bottom line: if one of the domestics goes down, it's taking a whole lot of market with it. With GM paying $4.7m upfront plus $500,000 a year to secure each $10m in financing, it's not a question of if, but when.

Technically, GM would have to build their rear wheel-drive Zeta-platform-based Cadillac and Buick flagships and THEN kill them for the cars to be D.O.A. Not to be pedantic (much), and keeping in mind the fact that I was the one who wrote that headline, if this rumor from GM Inside News is accurate, then GM's flagships are stillborn. In any case, it's another cut-and-paste moment for the ill-fated Zeta: on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again. And yes, I left one out. Or two. While we await confirmation, can there be any doubt that Car Czar Bob Lutz and his minions are an abject failure at product planning, lurching from crisis to crisis without any coherent long-term plans? I'm reading between the lines here, but it seems that even GM Inside News is fed-up with this "fluid" state of affairs. "If true, this is just yet another twist in the ever-changing product programs at GM. Recently there has been a lot of shuffling with the product programs to reflect the changing market and GM's current financial position. Stay tuned, I'm sure we'll have more soon!" Roger that. So to speak.

So, the Bugatti Veyron is an expensive buy at over a million bucks per. Buy it as a limited-edition model retouched by Hermes or some other fashion house and you'll have to phone Zurich to free-up another half-million plus. While you're liquidating your assets to buy your own piece of 1k hp heaven, consider for a moment that your Veyron investment isn't properly projecting your considerable status when it's sitting in the garage. Which will likely be most of the time. What's a plutocrat to do? Luckily, Bugatti is more than happy to sell you a whole line of clothing, luggage and accessories to remind the unwashed just how exquisite your taste is. Of course, the Bugatti Collection requires the same commitment to relentless status projection as the Veyron to justify its head-spinning price list. Want an official Bugatti keychain? That will be 99 Euros. An umbrella sells for 279 Euros, while clothing sells from 119 Euros for a Polo shirt to 399 Euros for a quilted jacket. The cheapest officially-licensed Bugatti gear to be had? A baseball hat for 39 Euros. Oh well, the Bugatti program has to make money for its Wolfsburg overlords somehow. God knows it's not making profit on the Veyron.

During the first energy crisis, pundits predicted the death of the American V8. In those dark days (as opposed to these dark days), Detroit was desperate to supply an alternative to the gas-gargling engines they'd planted under the hood anything that moved. They developed a few dogs promising V8 performance with the economy of a cylindrically-challenged motor, with much talk of mechanical miracles to follow. History repeats itself; Ford is once again trying their luck with EcoBoost turbo-four technology. Once again, they could be barking up the wrong tree.  

As 'Mater says in Cars, you hurt your what? I don't pretend to understand this hi-tech stuff, but I know a man who does. Know, I mean; not pretend to know. He's R. Colin Johnson of the EETimes (I wonder what he made of Wally's Eeeeeeva). Seems there's a nano (nano) technology breakthrough that lowers the cost of producing rare earth magnets (not magnets to pull Earth out of orbit, presumably). And that's a good thing, not a bad thing. "Rare earth magnets are essential to NASA and [the Defense Department] for small, high-performance motors and power generators that can operate in high-temperature environments," according to C.N. Chinnasamy of Northeastern University's Center for Microwave Magnetic Materials and Integrated Circuits (NUCMMMIC). "With our process, they can be manufactured much more economically." Got it? To paraphrase Ariel, oh Flounder, don't be such a nanoblade dipole! "Other techniques for creating supermagnets composed of nanoblade dipoles have succeeded for high operating temperatures, but the rare earth magnets performed poorly at start-up when the magnets operated at room temperature. However, Northeastern University researchers claim their formulation performs well both at room temperature and at very high operating temperatures, thereby permitting applications such as smaller motors with the same performance as larger engines." 

Sorting through the press releases that cross my e-transom on an hourly basis is one of those giddy-producing boredom deals. "Thor Announces Preliminary Sales for Quarter, 12 Months; Backlog." Who knew the Norse god was accountable to stockholders? "Electric Car Night Adds a Jolt to Walter P. Chrysler Museum Series." For that you got paid? But when the most recent 2009 Dodge Ram press release arrived, I was genuinely surprised to see its focus: safety. Yes, in addition to the usual list of 33 standard (and I mean that literally) safety features (airbags! seat belt reminder! auto-reverse sunroof!), Ram buyers can enjoy (if that's the right word) standard Four-wheel Anti-lock Brake System (ABS) and Electronic Stability Program (ESP) with Hill Start Assist (HSA) and Trailer Sway Control (TSC). OK, thanks for that. But who decided to market the new mucho macho Ram as the Volvo station wagon of full-sized pickups? To be fair– nope. That's all I got. 

Inspired by the plight of blind and partially sighted pedestrians fearing hybrids running silently in EV mode, Lotus is set to replace the silent whoosh of a Prius' EV mode with some sort of engine noise. So how does Lotus' "Safe and Sound" system sound? In the videos provided by Lotus, it sounds a lot like a healthy four-banger. Hethel's engineers claim you could make your Prius sound like it's packing a desmo-head 1955 Mercedes 300 SLR engine or a breathed-on Chevy small block. Pity the poor gangsters of Agrestic who will lose their drive-by shooting advantages if Nancy Botwin upgrades her Prius with the Lotus system.

Click here for Lotus press release  

When we reviewed the VW Polo, we noted that it's a good and useful car let down by staid styling and a high price. VW is addressing… the former. According to Autobild [print version of July 31], the 2009 VW Polo will finally ditch the slab sides and become more stylish. Since the Polo already  has similar interior space as the MK3 Golf, this means the Polo might well become a lot more important for VW– to the detriment of the Golf, which suffers from what you could call generational bloat. For the Polo, VW plans to offer double-clutch automatic transmissions and a wide arrange of engines. Popular Mechanics reports that VW will also create a hovercraft hybrid version– just kidding. The mag reports (prays?) that VW may bring a clean-diesel, 70mpg Polo stateside. We say currency exchange rates mean VW can't make a dime on that deal unless they build the new Polo in Mexico, which they won't do because of the aforementioned cannibalism. 

As the father of four daughters, I'm SO going to buy one of these real-time GPS tracking devices when my progeny start driving. Hell, if the technology's there, I'm going for a skin implant. OK, I'm a little freaked by the idea that anyone can slip a matchbook-sized somethingorother into my car and know where I am in real time. But I guess that horse left the barn in, what, 1984? Anyway, students of psychology might enjoy this little testimonial from AnyTrack's website: "Our son is a new driver. The car has a curfew. When he was late one night and not answering his cell phone, we were very concerned. We were able to log on and see that he took the car out of town and went to a concert that was not allowed. We knew for a fact that he was there and as a result of that knowledge, we were able to restrict the car use until he became more responsible. The Any Track unit is easily hidden in the vehicle. It is not very big so it is easy to hide. I like being able to keep track of our car and know that he is where he says he will be." Anyone know if jammers for teens have hit the internet yet? 

For the last five years or more, GM PR has attempted to put a rosy glow on the latest sad stats from North American by saying, "Yeah, but we're kicking some serious ass in China!" From the beginning, TTAC has warned that A) the People's Republic will eventually game the market to favor 100% domestic carmakers B) GM is making the same branding mistakes in China that it's made elsewhere C) GM's Chinese growth has not kept pace with its rivals and D) what goes up, must come down. The New York Times reports that China's booming automotive market, indeed its whole economy, is entering the doldrums. "Demand is beginning to weaken for big-ticket purchases. J. D. Power and Associates just cut its forecast for car sales in China this year to 5.95 million — still up from 5.42 million last year, but much less of an increase than the company’s previous forecast of 6.2 million." And there are some interesting side-effects. "China’s slowing growth is one reason that gasoline prices have fallen in the United States, for example. Similarly, world prices for metals like copper, tin, zinc and aluminum have tumbled in the last several weeks, as voracious Chinese factories have closed, or cut back their consumption."