It’s been a while since we gazed into the crystal ball to see what’s beyond the horizon on the automotive landscape. A lot has happened in the intervening eighteen months or so: GM and Chrysler are closer to bankruptcy, Ford is the only American auto company likely to survive the decade relatively unscathed, the market for hybrids peaked then bottomed out as gas prices did the same, and the only thing flowing out of Washington, D.C., faster than bailout money is political BS. Join us as we check the tarot cards to see where it’ll all lead. Here are the headlines of the future.
2010 Hyundai and Tata Enter NASCAR: Following Ford’s announcement that they’re joining Government Motors and Fiat-Chrysler in withdrawing from NASCAR, Hyundai and Tata have revealed plans to compete against Toyota. Hyundai spokesman Kim “Bubba” Chun-Joon confirmed the company’s intention to fund three teams. Chun-Joon says Hundai’s ready. “Our front-engine, rear drive two door Genesis Coupe is closer in configuration to the NASCAR ‘Car of Whenever’ than the front-drive, four-cylinder four-door sedans they’ve been trying to pass them off as.” Tata Motors is raising eyebrows with their plans to race 850hp pushrod V8 racers labeled as Nanos. “Yes, it is a stretch,” said Tata director of motor sports, Samarjit Jaysukh Tata. “But it makes as much sense as labeling them Impalas or Chargers. Besides, our research shows that southern males love big Tatas, and these are the biggest ones we can give them.”
2011 American Leyland Volt Goes on Sale: After numerous delays and teething problems, American Leyland is finally offering the plug-in hybrid Volt for sale. Thanks to improved technology, the final version can travel an astounding 125 miles without using a drop of gas. “Once we ditched the gas engine, the subsequent weight savings really improved the Volt’s mileage,” claims chief engineer Reddy Kilowatz. AL is not concerned about the modified vehicle’s range or recharge time. The company’s Commissar points to studies showing that the average buyer in its target market—gated retirement communities— travels fewer than 125 miles per year. “Anyone who needs more range can buy the gas-engine-only version, the Cruze.”
2011 – Chrysler’s UAW Members Threaten Strike Over Health Care Payments – The United Auto Workers (UAW) have voted to go on strike next Thursday unless they meet their own demands to abandon a proposed 25 percent increase in health care co-pays. “We understand the financial pressures we’re under to become a profitable automaker, but we completely reject our own decision to raise these fees,” a union leader said, under condition of anonymity. “It’s entirely unreasonable for us to ask ourselves to make greater sacrifices when our members have already given so much to themselves already.”
2012 NHTSA bans Driving – The National Highway Safety Administration (NHTSA) has banned private vehicles from America’s roads. “The EPA has ruled CO2 a deadly gas,” NHTSA chief Charles Hurley wrote in an official statement. “Public safety demands that we remove the single largest producer of this gas (after all the rest). This move will have a dramatic impact on fatal automobile accidents and will finally remove the threat of drunk driving from America’s roads.” In a press conference later that day, President Obama pointed out that the NHTSA ban only applies to driving. Consumers are still free to buy, own and pay taxes on their cars. “We don’t expect this move to have any immediate impact on production at American Leyland,” Obama reassured. The president promised to increase federal spending on public transportation, which is exempt from the ban. “Getting on the bus is not just the right thing for motorists to do, it’s now the only thing they can do.”
2014 Last Car Magazine Standing – Proctor & Gamble has acquired AutoCar and Track Trend magazine, the last auto-related print magazine in publication. P&G assured readers that the magazine’s content would remain untouched. “We don’t care what they write; their content is already 89 percent advertising, anyway,” stated Charmin division spokesman Hugh Jass. “Our research showed the only place anyone reads it is in the bathroom. That made it a natural fit into our product line, so beginning with the July edition AC&TT magazine will be printed on rolls of Charmin UltraStrong tissue. Not only will this decrease the amount of old magazines clogging our landfills, husbands won’t have to listen to their wives complaining about magazines cluttering up the bathroom.” Reliable sources tell us that P&G is also negotiating with Sports Illustrated to produce a limited edition “Swimsuit Edition” Charmin MegaRoll.
Let me offer another one:
– Announcing the 2012 Chevy Suburban. Proudly Designed, built and serviced in the USA by UAW and US Government employees!
The new Suburban has 3 times the number of parts compared to the 2011 model and comes with a 4 inch embossed binder to hold the required maintenance schedule. To prevent any problems caused by inexperienced mechanics, the hood can only be opened by a special UAW key! Are you a member of the political party that’s in power?! Save $500!
“Once we ditched the gas engine, the subsequent weight savings really improved the Volt’s mileage,”
I think you meant “battery”, rather than “gas engine”
On the NHTSA banning driving: “We don’t expect this move to have any immediate impact on production at American Leyland,” Obama reassured
I love it.
2011 Toyota announces four new brands – Justifying the move based on “unfilled market space” in the North American market, and a strategy to “divide and conquer” this market, Toyota announced the launch of four new auto makes.
Nagoya will be a near-luxury brand, situated between Toyota and Lexus. They will sell rebadged Avalons, Camrys, and Highlanders. Toyota hopes to push Lexus up-market with this brand.
Celeritas is planned as a “performance-oriented” make, selling rebadged Camrys, Corollas, Yarises, and Rav4s. Toyota’s strategy is to position the brand as a “move up” for customers in the Scion brand. Scion will therefore be “pushed down” to pursue Kia customers.
Terrara will be a 4×4, “outdoor enthusiast” brand. Not necessarily all-4×4, not necessarily all-SUV. They do want room for high-MPG vehicles, but the important thing is this brand will carry the image of a rugged outdoorsman. The Land Cruiser will become the Terrara Land Cruiser.
Prius The Prius will be expanded into a complete lineup, including the current midsize hatch, a subcompact hatch, compact sedan, small CUV, and delivery van.
Thanks, Frank, for the laughs: always a good way to start the day.
Thanks for this. Laughed all the way from the picture to the “Swimsuit Edition” Charmin MegaRoll.
What a tragicomedy!
Today the Presidential Task Force on How The Hell Do We Get People to Ride High Speed Trains Over Short Distances revealed their latest plan for increased ridership. Interstate highways will be closed to all vehicular traffic with a gross weight of less than 2.5 tons.
@ Rod
Perfect…
“In other news sales of lead weights and suspension upgrades for Prius’ have skyrocketed as people load up their government sanctioned cars to exceed the weight minimum. Oddly gas consumption has also skyrocketed. Government researchers are working with Toyota to find the problem. They believe it may be a software glitch.”
2010 Chrysler passes away. Jeep sold to a Chinese bidder.
2012 Toyota launches Prius brand.
2012 Hyundai launches a premium brand.
2012 Gm declares bankruptcy. Only Chevrolet and Cadillac remains as these brands get spinned off.
2013 Ford closes NA unit, removed from Nasdaq.
2013 Mazda launches a premium brand, buys out stake from Ford.
2014 China starts a massive attack on US market with 6 brands simultaneously.
2014 Not a single US engineered car platform remains.Depression deepens as unemployment hits 16%.
You forgot the biggest news of them all:
2011 Bumblebee on the Transformers 3 movie is a Tata Nano.
“2013 Ford closes NA unit, removed from Nasdaq.”
For that to happen you also need:
2011 Ford moves from NYSE to NASDAQ.
It’s hard to be removed from Nasdaq without first being on the Nasdaq. :-)
However, I’d like to include a more positive spin for Ford:
2012: SunnyvaleCA retires after selling Ford stock @ $25/share that he bought @ $2.50/share thanks to the foresight of several articles on TTAC!
June 2009-US enters depression officially
What Google Maps sees behind the horizon:
http://maps.google.com/?ie=UTF8&t=h&ll=51.93519,-1.268942&spn=0.00129,0.002414&z=19
2010 The US and Chinese governments agree to sell GM China to China.
2011 After continued losses President Obama announces that GM will focus exclusively on full-size SUVs and pick-up trucks and abandon the car market. “We have plenty of transplants in the US that provide the American public with cars. GM should focus on what it does best: large SUVs and pickups.”, declares Obama.
I think I’ll be an optimist.
2012 – Obama Defeated by Libertarian Canidate Senator/Governor/House Member ? defeats President in landslide victory.
2013 – CIA Releases Audio Recorded at Secret UN Meeting Prominent world leaders, scientists, and media tycoons caught on tape downplaying human contributions to climate change. Meeting concluded that the manufactured emergency would best serve ‘the common good’ and dissenters should be silenced. President ? declares immediate action.
2014 – Congress Repeals All CAFE Regulations Goaded by the American people and President ?, Congress repeals CAFE. Attached to the bill is a requirement that all tax revenue from fuel be invested in petroleum creating algae and bacteria, oil exploration, geneticly engineered vegetation capable of consuming more carbon, and industrial scale photosynthesis replication. In a nationwide public address President ? states, “Government has no business telling the American people how much of any given commodity they can or can’t have. It is our job as elected officials to have innovative ideas to provide Americans what they want, not a preconceived notion of what they need.”
Maybe not an exact prediction, but one can hope…
jurisb:
2013 Mazda launches a premium brand, buys out stake from Ford.
If this happened, I might jump into a Mazda sooner rather than later. Nothing against Ford; this was just my first reaction…
Besides, our research shows that southern males love big Tatas
So what are northern males into then?
ajla
Besides, our research shows that southern males love big Tatas
So what are northern males into then?
Not NASCAR, for the most part.
So what are northern males into then ?
Er.. northern females mostly. When we can !!
Hilarious thoughts… and some might not be that far from the truth… we’ll have to wait and see..
@ cRacK hEaD aLLeY
I knew parking at the airport was bad, I didn’t realize it was THAT bad!