If cocaine is God’s way of saying you have too much money, a Ferrari is God’s way of saying you have too much money and too clean a driving license. Of course, there are plenty of good reasons to buy a bit of Maranello magic. The average Fezza makes Marissa Miller look like Hagrid. While a Ferrari will kill you dead with snap oversteer, right up to that point, they handle like a Camillus Sizzle Folding Lockback. The cars smell like sex and sound like . . . sex. Well, someone having sex. Someone LOUD, experiencing a great deal of echt pleasure. Of course, there are plenty of reasons NOT to buy a Ferrari. Chief amongst them: attempting to light a box of wet cigars with hundred dollar bills is a more financially rewarding pursuit. But if you should be considering the possibility of owning a Ferrari, even from afar, here’s something to keep in mind: it will not get you laid. In fact, there was only one time I ever saw a woman put out for a Ferrari owner. It was a key scene in Peter North’s short-lived Maximum Thrust series. And I got the distinct impression that the woman in question (and the man in the woman in question) would have done the wild thing if they’d used a 1967 Camaro as the bait car. Keeping in mind the whole scene was fictional. Well, in terms of motivation. Anyway . . .
Perhaps now would be a good time to point out that I’m speaking here about heterosexual relations. Although I appreciate a taut six-pack as much as the next beer drinker (one wonders who instructed the beverage and what it learned), I am only fully qualified to talk about the male – female – Ferrari menage a trois. So . . .
1. Ferrari mechanics don’t put out – Let’s face it: Ferraris break. Ferrari has. The head of their NA ops told me straight out: “Ferrari owners understand that they’re subsidizing real world testing of new technologies.” And they have the Mercedes to prove it. Ask Walter: your Ferrari mechanic will spend more time with your car than you will. In fact, he’ll be amongst the select group of people who knows that you own a Ferrari. ‘Cause you won’t want to drive it in bad weather. Or put miles on it during the week. And when you do drive it, you’ll want to drive it; not try and get laid.
2. Woman worth sleeping with don’t sleep with men based on their cars – Technically, this isn’t a reason why your Ferrari won’t get you laid. But given the genetic stakes involved with the whole fluid-swapping deal, it’s not an invidious distinction. If you’re rich enough to afford a Ferrari, you do not want to sleep with the kind of woman who sleeps with you based on your car (remember: this is after high school, when most boys want to sleep with any woman who wants to sleep with them for any reason). And if you do, you’re smart enough to know that it’s a lot easier to simply pay cash for the privilege [insert air quotes here] and be done with it.
By the same token, the kind of women who would sleep with a man because he has a Ferrari—and is enough of a babe to make a straight cash transaction seem unseemly—would be smart enough to estimate the owner’s total net worth based on more than his four-wheeled Italian toy (which she’ll know may represent the mother of all car payments). And she’d be smart enough to not let him know that she knew it. So while she might be sleeping with you because of your Ferrari, the mansion would have been enough anyway. Another technical argument, but I didn’t write the headline. Or, more precisely, I didn’t think about it enough when I did. Hey, I was distracted.
3. Reverse the above – Any man who thinks that Ferrari ownership makes him more attractive won’t be attractive enough to attract women worth sleeping with because they’ll know that he thinks that a Ferrari makes him worth shagging. (Flow chart available upon request.) And any man who knows that he doesn’t need a Ferrari to make him attractive to suitable members of the opposite sex doesn’t need a Ferrari to make him attractive to the opposite sex.
Convinced? There’s only one way to test my theory to the test: buy a Ferrari and try and get laid whilst remaining in or near the car. Meanwhile, don’t. If for no other reason, think of the children.
Robert,
I think you’re wrong. To a women, a guy in a Ferrari means: I can stay at home with the kids with a housekeeper, a nanny and a black American Express card.
Women don’t sleep with Porsche drivers either… I know for a fact… and all the same rules still apply… except the reliability thing, neither of mine have broken down, and I drive them in the rain.
PLease post the flow chart
Robert,
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/25/automobiles/ferrari-racing-thrills-aren-t-cheap.html
which she’ll know may represent the mother of all car payments
That’s why they have a racing series. As you know car insurance doesn’t cover incidents on a track, so the only way you can participate in the Ferrari Challenge Trofeo Pirelli race series is to have everything paid for in cash.
As you know, it’s one thing to be able to afford to buy a Ferrari, it is quite another to be able to crash it.
I am quite sure that my future Ferrari will explicity prevent me from getting laid. When I spend that $10-20K more on repairs, again, rather than that ring/vacation/home improvement, I am sure I will be denied sex and perhaps my home and Ferrari….I still want one.
Women sleep with Suzuki owners, oddly enough. Who needs the maintenance of a Ferrari? All that and more, including nearly falling off a cliff and wanting an iPhone app to fix my car, in just one day of auto fun.
http://www.cargurus.com/blog/2009/10/14/if-theres-an-app-for-everything-how-about-fixing-my-car
Robert: Are you speaking from experience? Didn’t you own an F355 at one point? You’re telling me you never got inquisitive looks from the ladies while driving it?
My Corvette has gotten me a few girls here and there, I can only imagine how I would fare behind the wheel of an F430
A much better “getting laid ROI” would be to spend the Ferrari money (purchase price and maintenance) on travels to Eastern Europe, Latin America (Cuba especially) and Asia. Spend a few thou a year on a racing school with a couple of Ferraris (Lamborginis and Porsches) in the fleet and get your ya-yas out.
Twotone
For most women I suspect that a large newer Mercedes would be much more effective. (Provided that it is consistent with the rest of the image and not an obvious financial stretch.) A Mercedes sedan (not an SL) gives off an image of somewhat understated prosperity without the poseur/douchebag image that Ferraris (and most other expensive sportscars) are unfortunately stuck with.
I agree though, that if you are wealthy enough to race one, then you have no worries whatsoever about getting laid.
Oh, and who won the 2004 Challenge Trofeo Pirelli. Why this lovely lady.
http://lh3.ggpht.com/fisherwy/Ru0j3Em1j2I/AAAAAAAAIkw/f1hOTyLVl3s/jodie+kidd%5B6%5D.jpg
If you want to be a hit with the ladies, then you need something classy like a Monte Carlo.
Or, maybe a 1986 Pontiac Trans Am
“A New Leaf” is great, but this is much cheesier:
Jimmy Cagney was always a better hoofer than singer!
jmo :
October 14th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Robert,
I think you’re wrong. To a women, a guy in a Ferrari means: I can stay at home with the kids with a housekeeper, a nanny and a black American Express card.
One correction:
It means: the nanny can stay at home with the kids and the housekeeper, while I go shopping in my Porsche with a black American Express card.
And oh yeah – the bill for that AmEx will make your Ferrari payment look like the change you found in the couch.
So many Peter North jokes, so little time. Clean up in Aisle 4!
Anyway, a Ferrari may not get you laid on the spot, but it will certainly appeal to the money-grubbing female narcissists that populate Canada’s major cities, especially Toronto.
I have a friend who bought an Elise. No, it’s not a Ferrari, but times are tough.
He has some issues with getting laid and figured that the Lotus would help.
So he frequents cafe’s with on-street seating where he can sit right next to his little baby. In a little more than a year, he has noted that only high school and undergrad aged boyz have asked him about it. We did have to fish a woman out of the passenger seat once as she hadn’t the tone to get out.
Such must be the life of the rich and not good looking.
As RF said, easier to pay cash for the desired transaction – I suppose.
I’d rather have an Aston anyway…
@NickR:
If referring to Peter North don’t you mean clean up on aisles 4,5,6 and 7?
Ferrari? Waste of time and money. What one needs is “the finest crumpet collector known to man.”
–chuck
If a man wants to attract women, he should get a dog (but not a chihuahua) and treat it well in public.
If a woman wants to attract men, she should get a cool car.
Also, when it comes to motorcycles, Guys with Goldwings and Electraglides have better luck than guys with Ducatis and Fireblades.
The cheapest and most trouble-free method in my youth was hitch hiking. And (most of the time) you could get a free (or several, if things went well) night’s room, board and shower to boot. One time I even got picked up in a brand new BMW. Probably not so effective now days.
Jeez…
3 reasons why a Ferrari wont get me laid.
But I do wonder.. how the Ody or the GL would fare for getting someone laid..
I kid.. I kid..
Even if I had the money to pick up a Ferrari.. Id be looking at one at least 10yrs old (only designs I can tolerate)
Or maybe I ca pick up a Fiero-borghini / Fiero-arri… or its current Sky / Solstice / Opel GT- Ferrari.
2 years ago, I bought a Ducati.
3 months ago, I rescued an adorable white lab mix dog (and named him Desmo, after the Ducati).
The dog wins, by far, in the crumpet collection department.
It was always better to get her to give me a ride and to go to her place. Comfort zone.
+10 for gakoenig
Of course, even if the Ferrari does get you laid, I’d prefer the woman who is attracted because of the dog.
Anyway, RF is right on with this one. Except possibly in the case of the French guy who made his own one third scale Ferrari. But then, he was married before he started making the thing, and despite the fact that he took 13 years or so, piece by perfectly scaled piece, I think he’s still married.
If you attend college and you own a Ferrari, the Ferrari will get you laid. Guarantee it.
For 300k (or however much these beasts cost) I’d rather get hair chest implants!
Hair on the chest = success!
I think a Ferrari would help me get laid. A lot of the women who want to get laid for any reason aren’t so open to love anyhow. I love cars and I’m happy around them. I know women who love cars (specially trucks) also. I think many women want a guy to stand happily by his car. The more special the relationship between car and owner the better, imo. That is all other things being kept in balance (like attitude and self respect). If I can stand confident and humble next to a Ferrari, I’d probably get laid by some good women. Then again I also tend to get attention based on my looks, positive energy, smoothness, sensitivity and kindness. Take all that, add a Ferrari, and it makes for some exciting times. Although a girl better love and respect herself if she wants me to make love to her (in the Ferrari, on the highway, at 40, no 80mph. )
Haha, too funny!
I reckon it is more about where you go with your car and chica, not so much what car it is, but for sure a convertible sports car will definitely “encourage” a better result than a Ford Focus would!!!!….For example My MGTF160 did the business for me, but it cost me a 9 hour drive to Italy and a weekend in a beach hotel in Venice !! haha or was it me and not the car at all ???!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=263888&l=205862b00e&id=743425389
And if you do want surefire shag in a motor, an Austin Maxi with full “moon-roof” and a fully foldable flat back seat is a lady pleaser for sure !!! haha Although it was actually called “the skip” by my mates at Uni…(dumpster in the US I think!)
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=193344&l=cfa5013f99&id=743425389
Woman worth sleeping with don’t sleep with men based on their cars
Sadly, if you exclude that group you are left with a very small subset of the overall population. So you’d better look hard or be damn lucky.
The car you drive is often viewed as a talisman of one’s wealth…let’s be honest. Otherwise, many luxury brands would vanish overnight. So although you may not get laid based on the car you will get attention and, by extension, laid, based on the promise of wealth (or fame, depending on your line of work).
I’ve never known a woman to look at a Porsche or a Ferrari driver with anything other than disdain. But at one point this summer I sat having lunch next to the university here in Vancouver. Somebody had parked a drop-top Vantage on the street, and without exception every woman who walked past stopped for a few seconds and went oooh.
So maybe you can get laid with a car, maybe not. But I think your best shot is going to be with an Aston.
“Or, maybe a 1986 Pontiac Trans Am”
OMG that advert rocks. You can just imagine the complaints an advert like that would get today.
BTW, I get some and I currently driving a 1986 Dodge Aries… Not out of choice I might add.
Oh come on. We all see what is going on here. You are just trying to comfort all those guys that DON’T have a Ferrari. The man who has a Ferrari is a man who appreciates beauty and magic. The woman who will put out for a man like this will be bold, tan, tall, have great hips, a flat stomach, generous breasts, a wry smile and a twinkle in her eye.
This won’t be some cheap, lurid encounter, comparable to something one would pay for. While it will likely be a one time thing, it will be a joyful, playful and memorable event. Mischievous, fun, MAGIC. Kind of like driving a Ferrari. ;)
And don’t think the fun is just for the guy. The story the woman will tell is:
“I went for a drive in this guys’ Ferrari. And, it was just so……Red, the engine so….. masculine, and well we….. well, you know. It was amazing.”
So ladies, when your Ferrari guy rolls up, don’t miss your chance.