If you’re a brontosaurus, and you’re reading this, then your hindbrain is just now finding out about mommyblogger Crissy Kight Page and her refusal to spread (the good news about Toyota) for ten bucks. Well, there’s more news about Toyota out there now, and rather than wait for poor Tiffany Lewis of the recently deceased “Mommy Networks” to get the word out, I’m going to put my own money into this new publicity effort.
Mommybloggers, read on to find out how you can earn a $20 Amazon gift card, courtesy of yours truly,this very afternoon!
Mommybloggers can be rather skittish and easily frightened, so I’ve couched my new offer in terms they will understand:
Hello!
A new opportunity! Another chance to score a $20.00 Amazon gift card for the mommy bloggers who help out.
There was a big report released about Toyota, by the Toyota, saying that they were asking mommies just like you to have 2.1 million of their flaming deathwagons towed back to the dealership and handled with very thick gloves before any more children are killed in the striz-eets. It actually turned out to be pretty much “Toyota error” that was causing the accelerator to stick.
It’s a big deal for Toyota since they have a zillion dollars and electrodes implanted directly into the heads of southern-state members of Congress and they had a lot of apologetic bloggers around their brand as of late, and we’re helping to spread the negative news:
I need you to:
- Spread a sense of absolute fucking panic throughout the country by using words like MILLIONS, FLAMING, DEATHWAGONS, KILLED, and CHILDREN.
- In the post, link to my erotic roman a clef “The Car Girls”.
- If possible, share on social networks or “thumbs up” the paysite “The J Room”, featuring my super best pal, exotic dancer and Vegas sex worker Jessica Janson.
- Make sure you use the words FLAMING DEATH. I don’t care if you babble on about the floormats, as long as it contains the ideas of death, and flame.
Now, the first five mommybloggers to do all that and document it to my satisfaction will receive a ten-dollar Amazon gift card. But you can double your money by sending me a topless candid shot of yourself. You’ll need to have a “timestamp” featuring todays date written on a card, Post-It, or your own body. If you need examples, let me know, I have several thousand saved on my computer. Do that and you’ll “upgrade”, as that sassy Independent Woman Beyonce once said, to a $20 gift card.
Let’s get the bad word out and gratify my personal moral failings TODAY! Offer expires real soon!
Jack Baruth
www.thetruthaboutcars.com
I’m anticipating a flood of mommybloggers will be eager to prostitute themselves for the money. I’m also thinking that some of them will want the gift card deal described above.
I will keep all of you, my favorite readers, posted on this exciting new marketing strategy!
I would gladly take you up on this generous offer but I’m pretty sure my moobs would make most people vomit.
Thanks anyway. FLAMING FIERY FIREBALLS OF FLAMING BEIGE DEATH!!!
What? No love for daddy bloggers?
Wasn’t “MILLIONS of CHILDREN KILLED by FLAMING DEATHWAGONS” a Cannibal Corpse song?
Crissy asked for the money.
And then she modified the language in her “Services Available” on 2/24/2011 to read “…disclosed advertising and sponsorships…”
javascript:alert(document.lastModified) = 02/24/2011 02:58:54
I own daddy bloggers.
I’ve got a very special deal for all the MILF bloggers out there.
This could get interesting….
This has been a flaming epic post by Mr Baruth.
Hey Jack – Back in Jan I recognized you (from your avatar) in the crowd at Slo’s BBQ in Detroit (the Hyundai open bar at the auto show). Was going to introduce myself but I was busy getting friendly with a series of Heinekens. Had this piece of awesomely wrong awesomeness been posted prior to that day – I would have bought you one of those free frosty lagers. So I send a virtual “cheers” and bottle clink.
Did you recognize the Town Car doing a smoking donut in front of Slow’s and then evading the po-lice? :)
I’m sorry I missed that (and I had a table by the window). Was likely one of the more exciting things happening in Detroit on a Monday night.
$10 per photo seems like an awfully poor value.