As I highlighted in the Chevy Express review, I believe the vehicle is inherently unsafe. The Ford E-Series and Dodge Ram Van (RIP: 2002), aren't much better. From 1990 to 2006, over 2700 people have died in extended van accidents, they majority of which were rollovers (seat belt use is an important variable). In 2002, The National Transportation Safety Board wrote an open letter to Bill Ford and Rick Wagoner, stating "Heavily loaded 15-passenger vans are particularly susceptible to rollover… Simulations conducted for the NHTSA research illustrated the adverse effects that a fully loaded 15-passenger van can have on the vehicles handling properties and rollover propensity. Fully loading or nearly loading a 15-passenger van causes the center of gravity to move rearwardand upward, which increases the vehicles rollover propensity and could increase the potential for driver loss of control in emergency maneuvers." Ford and GM declined to make a $300m (per design) modification to the rear end to enhance van safety. They did, however, add stability control systems, as requested. While NHTSA stats show the accident and fatality rate for these vehicles are falling, it's still proportionately higher than for other passenger vehicles. Both the Ford and Chevy score a measly two and three stars respectively in roll-over tendency. These are outmoded designs whose active safety is woeful inadequate– especially when you consider their cargo.
Posts By: Mike Solowiow
I greeted my temporary assignment to Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada with joyful anticipation. After numerous hours in an E-3 looking for simulated bogeys over the Mojave Desert, the proximity to Sin City was a welcome reprieve. Stepping down from my jet, Technical Sgt. Peters handed me a set of keys and pointed to the terminal's parking lot. Examining the plate number on the tag, and seeing a Chevy emblem on the key, I expected a minivan. Instead, a ginormous Express 3500 15-Passenger van assaulted my vision. For this I defend my country?
KFOR News (the only station to come through the antennae in my apartment) reports that Oklahoma City has the cheapest gas prices in the nation, at $3.61 a gallon. They also warned that I needed to fill up my tank ASAP, as gas prices were surely to rise (and meth dealers don't come out early in the morning). So, leaving my skyscraper cum glass walled apartment, I went to the local station to pay just $3.63 a gallon. An Acadia driver next to me looked at my loaner Volvo S40 and said, "I bet that thing gets great gas mileage". "Not really" I replied, "it only gets about 3mpg better than your Acadia" (27 vs 24 Highway). He was shocked, which made me wonder at what other misconceptions have been brought on by the current oil crises. My favorite has been "Oklahoma has the cheapest prices because we pump our own oil, for the entire state!" At least most of the Oklahomans I have talked to are very informed about current market conditions and prices and what affects them, which gives me hope for the rest of the general populace's direct understanding of energy issues. If not the current political debate on the subject.
I'm very familiar with, and very grateful for, the Hertz "Premium Car Collection" available at most tourist destination cities. Many times I have been sent to Las Vegas for an Air Force exercise– only to have been stuck with a Cobalt, PT Cruiser, or something else that sucked the very soul out of my body. Then I discovered the Premium Cars from Hertz. Subaru Outbacks, Volvo XC90s and XC70s, Audi Q7s, and A4s. I will take my German luxury off-roader in brown please. Yes, I want the full coverage insurance. Now, much to my chagrin, Hertz offers a Chevrolet Corvette ZHZ, a Shelby GT-H rent-a-racer version of the Vette (with a 6hp bump thanks to a new exhaust system) for Chevy fans. We're talking 436bhp, yellow paint, $250 a day. So now you too can go to Las Vegas, surrender your credit card, and drive like an absolute hooligan in an overpowered car that you don't own (and hopefully bought the daily insurance coverage for) down the strip. Since RF and I both agree that the Corvette is a death car (a car that when driven hard intends to kill you), how many crashed ZHZs we will see before Hertz auctions them off at twice the price of a normal Corvette?
KFOR news in Oklahoma had a crawl at the bottom of the screen saying, "Fight at gas stations caused by limited quantities of cheap gas." Apparently, a gas station in a not-that-great neighborhood in the city of the Okies was selling regular gas at $3.61 a gallon (with a ten-gallon maximum). Gas-crazed motorists were fighting each other in the rush for cheap go-juice. I felt it my duty as an automotive journalist to investigate this outbreak of violence first hand. I ran to my Volvo in full BDU camouflage and combat boots, gunned the anemic five-cylinder engine, and streaked (safely) down the interstate to the scene of the "crime." I was sorely dissappointed to discover that instead of Mad Max-style mayhem over the last of the cheap gas, several homeless people had been arrested for a meth drug deal gone bad, maybe to get enough money to fill their aging (and impounded) Mercury Montego. So much for my Pulitzer Prize on Peak Oil pugilism. At least I could drive away from the faux news in Swedish comfort, with my Swedish Fish snacks (made in Canada).
"The Porsche Cayenne is a deeply misunderstood machine," RF told me before my test drive. "It's one of the world's fastest off-roaders, not a house-broken truck." Huh? Why would a world famous sports car maker (if not THE world famous sports car maker) tempt infamy by making a kick-ass mud plugger instead of a FX-style sports-car-on-stilts? The answer, I'm told, lies deep in Porsche's DNA. In the late eighties, Porsche jacked-up their 959 supercar and entered it in the grueling Paris – Dakar rally. In their second attempt, the German automaker scooped first, second and sixth places. "Take the entry level V6 off road," RF commanded. "Thrash it without mercy. THEN tell me what you think." Sounded like a plan.
Two hours. Thats how long I spent detailing the engine in my Hummer H3 from Budget Rent-a-Car. I spent another 2 hours detailing the rest of the car and discovered how dirty rental cars really are (how old ARE those M&M's?). In the summer, when I'm not racing my Porsche Boxster S, I'm at a car show, showing it off with my other racer friends and their BMW/Audi's. Replete with racing numbers, sponsor decals and helmets, we put on quite a different show from the normal pristine examples of automobilia from decades past. However, due to my Porsche being in the body shop, I was left without a car for last Sunday's Car Show in Oklahoma City. Over coffee, I came up with the brilliant idea to RENT a car at the airport, detail it, and see how it would do against all the other vehicles there, just for fun. At the Will Rogers International Airport, I was presented with three options, a Mustang V6 Coupe, a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder, or a Hummer H3. The H3 was the cleanest, so $75, rental insurance and a distorted sense of reality and I was in with a chance! $25 in cleaning supplies later, I had the most pristine rental car in the MidWest. Several hours later, I was holding a plaque declaring my Hummer H3 had received first place in the truck category at the show. So if you want an award winning show car, call up Budget in Oklahoma City, they have one for rent…
In our previous edition, the Jaguar XF's headlights had given up the ghost, only to be restored with donor parts from a new, still-on-the-lot XF. This morning, while driving to base to take part in my USAF fitness test, I received a peculiar indication in the center (centre?) computer display: "Performance Reduction." I'd witnessed this message before, when driving quickly through a very high mountain pass. The computer limits the engine output by about 20 percent. Stopping and restarting the car seems to take care of the problem. However, why would it reduce performance while going no more than 45mph in stop-n-go traffic? I can only surmise I angered the spirits of Castle Bromwich. Maybe I should hold a seance over the "power bulge" hood to exorcise the rest of the demons lurking in the convoluted wiring of my Jag, which we have named, "Lady Margaret," or Maggie.
Before setting off on a 2000 mile roadtrip around the Great American Southwest in a loaner Jaguar XF, my co-driver and I commented, "We are taking a brand new, unproven, Jaguar, across barren deserts and across mountain passes, through blowing dust and drifting snow, and the nearest Jaguar dealership lies over 300 miles away. How much water did we bring?" The Jag proved faultless no matter what we threw at it– until now. Arriving back in Oklahoma City, in true Labor Party fashion, the headlights went on strike. The local Jag dealership proved very useful in not only taking immediate care of me, but also gave me coffee and a loaner Toyota Camry– which while not as much fun, will probably have working headlights. Due to a parts shortage on the new XF, the Jag rep had the dealership cannibalize a new XF to provide the parts. Stay tuned for a full second take on the Jaguar XF.
To my eyes, the Toyota Prius looks like an Area 51 reject: an ungainly sci fi fantasy devoid of charm or beauty. To its admirers’ eyes, the Prius is the latter day equivalent of a Model T or a VW Bug: an automobile whose virtues– and virtuousness– transcend the normal dictates of style. And THEN there’s the debate about propulsion, premiums and politics. It’s hard to think of another car that’s been this polarizing– for both manufacturer (Maximum Bob) and the end user (a.k.a. car buyer). And yet, just as sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes a car is just a car. Ah, but is the Prius a good car?
The fact that we’re even having this discussion tells you how far Audi’s come in the uber-sports sedan sweepstakes. Normally, this comparo would write itself. BMW M3 = driver’s car with super smooth, vicious punch. Audi RS4 = sure-footed supersonic GT with numb tiller. BMW fun. Audi fast. BMW wins. But since this contest was first mooted, The Boys from Bavaria have made the jump to V8 space, while Audi have finally figured-out how to make not dying entertaining. But has anything changed?
For Audi fans, Tresser was THE modifier in the 1980's and 1990's. The firm created a very quick (and sought after) Audi 5000 Turbo (Audi 200 in Europe), a Quattro convertible (capital Q), and many others. I happened to stumble upon one of Tresser's last creations, a slightly used Audi 200 Turbo quattro. While the engine, interior, and body panels were rotted, the carbon fiber hood and trunk-lid were not. Mr. Mehta and Mr. Lieberman, you can no longer call my Audi V8 quattro "fat", like me, we are both turning into lean, mean muscled machines that will obliterate all Lincolns/Volvos in our path. Quattro uber alles!
After testing BMW 135i and 335i coupes back-to-back, I can reveal that there are only two good reasons to purchase the smaller, cheaper car. Either you need a track day machine or you're an idiot. Otherwise, spend the extra bucks and buy the 335i coupe. The 335i coupe is more attractive, more enjoyable to drive, holds its value better and offers far more real road usability than the 135i. If BMW had made the 135i as a lightweight, no-frills, Bahn-burning turbo rocket ship, they would have created a truly unique, desirable automobile. But they didn't.
Mr. Mehta, and Mr. Lieberman,
I fear not your V8olvo, nor your red-benecked Lincoln, as I have ditched my Audi 4000 quattro beater (due to many eaten axles, a blown head gasket, and more electrical issues than British Leyland) for something truly unholy. For $0, yes, zero dinero, I have scored a full-on, 260bhp (stock!) 1991 Audi V8 quattro. A car so legendary, that it was banned from the IMSA GTO and German DTM series. Come to think of it, quattro has been banned from rallying, IMSA, DTM and probably the real LeMans in the future… from what has yours been banned for "unfair advantage" recently?
Vorsprung durch technik uber alles!
Sincerely,
Captain Mike Solowiow
Future LeMons Champion
Nissan wants you to buy the Armada LE 4×4 to "Live Big." Someone needs to tell these guys that conspicuous consumption is dead– at least for those car buyers who can no longer afford it. While the high and low ends of the SUV market are still relatively robust, big-ass trucks in the former "sweet spot" are giving potential buyers a toothache. It may have something to do with the price of gas. Or ruinous depreciation. Which is a shame. The Nissan Armada is a damn Skippy good truck; you know, if you used to like that kind of thing.
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